Scars
by FallenDarkness12
Summary: AU Ellie Nash wasn't your average fifteen year old. She was Determined, Unique and Alternative, with a distinct liking of the colour black. Contains Sellie in later chapters. Includes Self Injury. Rated M just in case.
1. Prologue

A/n: This is a Story I've been working on for quite awhile and it will probably be the first in a series. Its pretty much AU though it does still include some of the story lines from the show. It Starts from where Whisper to a Scream finished.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Scars By Papa Roach.

This story will involve Descriptions of Self Injury. If you Don't like, don't Read.

Scars 

Prologue 

_I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut,  
My weakness is that I care too much.  
And my scars remind me that the past is real,  
I tear my heart open just to feel._

Her feet pounded the sidewalk as she ran. Dull thuds echoed though the empty night as her heavy black boots collided with the tarmac. Her vivid red hair held in two messy plaits bounced on her back with each step.

Ellie Nash wasn't your average fifteen year old. She was Determined, Unique and Alternative, with a distinct liking of the colour black. She was often teased for her unique ways, but it was something she had become accustomed to over the years and it didn't really bother her anymore. Ellie knew she'd rather be herself and than fall in line with the other girls around her. One thing that defiantly didn't bother Ellie was other people's opinions of her, she was herself and she was happy to let other people see that. In fact two of the only things which truly bothered Ellie were the two big secrets she kept. One was lying on the sofa of her house and the other was hidden by a well placed mixture of arm warmers and black mesh.

Reaching her house, she climbed the steps to the heavy oak front door, opening it carefully she slipped inside breathing deeply and leaning on the door frame as she recovered from the short run. She let out a sigh she had been keeping held in and paused, still lent on the door frame listening to the silence of the house. She liked the silence, stillness. She opened her eyes and stepped away from the door, taking her coat off as she did. She placed it on its usual peg before turning to the door to her right. She paused briefly once more and took a deep breath before pushing the door open quietly.

As she glanced into the dingy dull room she had to hold herself back from coughing and spluttering as the smell of whiskey and stale cigarette smoke passed over her, it was something she regularly smelt but could never seem get used to. There lay her mother, passed out as usual on the old faded green couch, the odd bottle scattered here and there. She wrinkled her nose irritably at the woman as she started to clean up the bottles, cigarette stubs and stained glasses from the table and the floor.

Once her drunken mother had been taken care of Ellie was finally free to do what she wanted. Climbing the stairs she rubbed her arm absently mindedly. She reached the darkened landing and pushed open the door opposite the stairs revealing a bright white bathroom. Locking the door behind her she lent on the sink and looked in the mirror on the cupboard above it. She paused long enough to let out a sigh before opening the cupboard and searching for her Razor in its usual hiding place behind the Medicines. She withdrew her hand seconds later holding her prize tight in her fist.

Today had been a mistake, the second of her biggest secrets had been discovered by the one and only Paige Michalchuck cheerleader, queen bee and super bitch extraordinaire, Ellie's total opposite. Ellie pulled down her arm warmer and rolled up the sleeve as she remembered the wave of panic that came over her had the blonde girl had entered the bathroom; she had taken her by surprise leaving her no time to cover up what so ever. Ellie blamed herself for being so stupid to not go into a cubical if only she had thought properly she wouldn't be having to deal with the irritating blonde and her 'good intentions'. She put the blade to her skin. Paige had gone to Sauve the school councillor about what she had seen, this meant now Ellie had sessions with Sauve every week to look forward too. Pressing down she drew the shining blade it across her arm, lifting it from her skin she watched as the blood flooded the wound and began to slip over the edge running slowly down her arm. What was she supposed to do in those stupid sessions anyway? Spill her inner most feelings to some shrink woman she barely knew? She wrinkled her nose at the thought of telling Sauve every thought that entered her head and every detail of her life, no that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. Anyway Why should she stop doing something that took her problems away? Cutting herself wasn't the problem it was the solution. In her eyes anyway.

The stairs creaked making Ellie jump as she realised there were foot steps coming closer. She quickly grabbed some toilet paper wiped off the blood from her arm before throwing it down the toilet and flushing it. She put the blade back in the hiding place and had just pulled on her arm warmer before her mother's voice entered the room from the hall way.

"Eleanor…" she muttered drunkenly

Ellie flung open the door and rolled her eyes as her mother fell in and began emptying her stomach into the toilet. She stood disgusted for a minute before she decided to leave her too it and headed into her bedroom. She turned on her CD player and skipped to the track she wanted sinking down on to her bed as the music began to blast out covering the sounds of retching. After making an attempt at her maths homework she decided to get an early night. Once she had changed into an old hoody and pair of pyjama bottoms she settled into her bed turning off her CD player with the remote and flicking of her bedside lamp hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

A/n - I Apologise in advance for any mistakes, I'm not from canada i'm actually from England.


	2. Straightjacket Feeling

Disclaimer: I Don't Own Degrassi or Straightjacket Feeling by The All American Rejects

Scars

Chapter 1: Straightjacket feeling 

_Back me down from backing up  
Hold your breath now it's stacking up  
Etched with marks, but I can deal  
And you're the problem and you can't feel  
Try this on, straightjacket feeling  
so maybe I won't be alone  
Take back now, my life you're stealing._

The early morning rays of light shone across Ellie's bed as she pulled on her favourite arm warmers and picked up her eyeliner, she applied a heavy layer to her eyes before admiring her outfit in the mirror for a minute checking she looked ok. She took a quick glance over her shoulder and noticed the time, suddenly realising exactly how late she was running she grabbed her maths book and hurried downstairs shoving it carelessly into her rucksack. She quickly checked over her mom who had returned to her spot on the sofa. Throwing an old blanket over her she grabbed her coat and bag and hurried out the door.

She ran most of the way to school her heavy boots thumping heavily on the tarmac just like the night before. She entered the building breathing heavily just as the bell rang for homeroom. Entered the Media Immersions lab she took her usual seat between Marco and Ashley as Mr Simpson began the read the register. She glanced up over the top of her computer and nearly died of shock when Paige shot her a small smile. Raising an eyebrow and adverting her eyes from blonde girl she instead turned her full attention back to Mr Simpson.

As Ellie left homeroom slightly behind Marco, Ashley and Craig she was suddenly distracted from her thoughts as Paige's sickly sweet voice flooded her ears.

"How are you doing?" She asked placing a 'supportive' hand on Ellie's shoulder

"Why do you care" Ellie replied shaking off the hand and speeding up to catch up with Marco to get away from the blonde.

Paige watched her join her friends and sighed a little, Ellie could be so stubborn, she only wanted to offer the red head her friendship as she thought that the extra support would help her right now. Paige watched Ellie joining in her friends conversation, she had to admit that she admired Ellie's ability to hide her emotions. If Paige hadn't caught her leaning over the washroom sink, compass in hand, the day before then she wouldn't have realised the red head was having such a hard time. What had made Ellie need to hurt herself was still a mystery to Paige, it was obvious however that she was the only person other than Sauve who knew about Ellie's problem, which made her feel responsible in a way for providing any support the red head might need whether the other girl would accept it or not. As Hazel joined her chatting happily about something or other Paige resigned herself to trying to make contact with Ellie later in the day and switched her thoughts from the other girl to listening to what Hazel was waffling on about.

---

Glancing over the disgusting looking choices that she had to pick from for dinner Ellie settled on a sandwich and a diet coke not wanting to risk any of Sheila's concoctions. She paid up and took her tray down to the tables; Paige spotted her and motioned her over to her table. Ellie hurriedly glanced around the room in hope that she could spot Marco or Ashley, only to realise they were both already sat over at Paige's table. There was no way she was going to sit anywhere near Paige today, even if Marco and Ashley were over there. Ellie took a final look at the table and turned round heading outside and taking a seat on an empty wooden bench by herself instead.

"El?" Marco asked as he came up behind her as she bit into her sandwich. She turned round chewing on her mouthful of sandwich and rolled her eyes at him as he sat down next to her. "So that was strangely bizarre, Paige actually inviting you to sit at the same table as her without me having to force her too first…" he added as she took another bite of the sandwich.

"So?" She replied sharply swallowing her mouthful and picking up her can of diet coke and taking a sip.

"Does she have amnesia or something?" Marco asked pulling out a packet of sweets and popping on in his mouth "I thought you hated each other"

"How would I know if she hates me or not, I'm not friends with her" Ellie wrinkled her nose at the idea "and I never will be, No matter how much she tries to suck up to me"

"Ok, What's up?" Marco asked trying to catch Ellie's eye "You're really touchy today. Is it Paige?"

"It's Nothing" Ellie replied sharply before draining her can and slamming it down on her tray "We have a class to get to, you coming?"

"Oh…Yeh… Of course" Marco replied following her back into the school building still slightly puzzled by his friend's behaviour.

---

Maths was the final lesson of the day and Marco and Ellie had arrived early. Marco was describing his date with Dylan the night before to Ellie who was listening half heartedly to what he was saying as her mind began to wander to other things, such as the appointment with Sauve she had to attend after maths.

"Ellie?" Marco said waving his hand in front of Ellie's face "Earth to Ellie!" Ellie snapped out of her daze and blushed slightly.

"Sorry." Ellie replied "I've got a lot on my mind"

"What is up with you today?" Marco asked concerned.

"I said nothing" Ellie replied rolling her eyes "I'm just thinking is that a crime?"

"Is something going on?" Marco asked her worriedly

"Seriously Marco that's like the third time you've asked me and I said no already" Ellie snapped back irritably

"Ok El, How do you fancy coming to the cinema with us on Friday?" Marco asked her changing the subject.

"Erm, well I guess I could" Ellie shrugged irritably pulling out her pencil case 'At least It'll get me out of the house' she thought to herself as she placed her maths book on her desk next to her pencil case. Suddenly she realised Marco had just said us not me.

"Wait, Us?" she asked as Marco unpacked his bag.

"Yeah, Me, Dylan, Craig, Ash, Spinner, Paige…" He started

"Actually I don't think I can" Ellie jumped in at the sound of Paige's name, she didn't fancy having to spend her free time avoiding Paige as well as her school time.

"You can't back out now you already said yes" Marco told her folding his arms "Come on El, pretty Please? It'll be fun.."

"No" Ellie replied simply as Mr Armstrong Entered the classroom

"I'll buy your ticket…" Marco pleaded quietly

"Excuse me Miss Nash, Mr Del-Rossi could you please discuss your social life after Maths?" Mrs Armstrong asked them a hint of anger in his voice

"Sorry Mr Armstrong" Ellie replied rolling her eyes

"Yeah Sorry Mr Armstrong" Marco agreed opening his text book as he began teaching them about equations. "Please?" Marco leaned over and whispered in Ellie's ear. Ellie rolled her eyes knowing Marco wouldn't give up till she said yes so to save him spending the rest of the week hassling her she decided to say yes now, she nodded slightly knowing she would regret it later.

The lesson passed quickly and Ellie soon found herself heading towards Miss Sauve's office as slowly as she could, dragging her fingers across the lockers on the walls and taking as small steps as possible. When she got there the older woman opened the door.

"Ellie your late" She told her and Ellie simply scowled back at her

"How are you?" Miss Sauve asked as Ellie took a seat and folded her arms defensively across her chest.

"Fantastic" She replied sarcastically

"Have you cut since our last meeting?" Sauve asked

"Is that any of your business?" Ellie replied rudely

"Can I check your arms?" Sauve asked ignoring Ellie's snappy comments

"No" Ellie replied sharply

"Ok" Miss Sauve replied jotting something down in her notebook which made Ellie roll her eyes "What do you want to talk about?"

"How about me not having to come to these stupid pointless sessions?" Ellie snapped Miss Sauve continued to scribble in her notebook "I don't have a problem, I don't need to be fixed, I just need to go home and get some work done"

"Ellie if you are cutting yourself that is a problem" Miss Sauve told her

"Whatever" Ellie rolled her eyes leaning back into the chair "Can I go yet?"

"Not yet we still have another twenty minutes" Sauve told her "So do you consider your cutting not to be a problem?"

"Why would I consider it a problem?" Ellie replied

"Because you are hurting yourself, It can be extremely dangerous" Sauve informed her "and if your cutting yourself there must be some underlying issues that make you feel the need to do it"

"And you expect me to want to spill my life story to you." Ellie said irritably

"Well I need some background information to be able to help you stop" Sauve told her

"And what if I don't want to stop?" Ellie questioned the woman who stopped writing to look at the girl in front of her.

"Why don't you want to stop?" Sauve asked her "Is there a specific reason?"

"Because it helps" Ellie replied bluntly

"Helps How?" Sauve asked curiously

"Because" Ellie snapped "I Really could do with getting home, can I go yet?" she added

"Well we don't seem to really be getting anywhere today, I'll see you on Friday" Sauve nodded "same time"

"Sure, whatever" Ellie replied leaving the room as quickly as she could leaving Sauve watching her back shaking her head as she realised Ellie was going to be an interesting case to deal with.

Ellie hurried home and stepped into the house, shutting the door behind her and starting to pull off her coat as her mother appeared at the living room door. She caught a waft of the horrid Whiskey and Stale Cigarette smoke smell from the living room and turned to see her leaning on the door frame, her eyes bloodshot and a nearly empty vodka bottle in one hand.

"Where have you been Eleanor?" Her Mom slurred

"I was at Marco's" Ellie lied rolling her eyes and putting her bag down and walking over to her mom's side "Here let me help you back to the couch"

"I can help myself" Ellie's Mom said angrily pushing Ellie away into the wall and turning back into the living room slamming the door behind her leaving Ellie leaning on the wall. Ellie rubbed her back glaring after the drunken woman for a minute before climbing the stairs. She extracted her blade from its hiding place and took it to her arm letting out a deep breath as she felt the release. All thoughts of Sauve and her mother disappeared immediately as she sunk down next to the bath and dug the blade into her skin again and again until five fresh cuts were bleeding across her wrist.

---

Friday came and the Bell Rang signalling the end of the day, Ellie irritably stuffed her books into her bag and picked it up before reluctantly making her way towards the door of the Media Immersions lab, tonight she was supposed to have yet another session with Sauve and go to the cinema with Marco and she didn't really feel like doing either.

"El! Wait up!" Marco called after her Ellie rolled her eyes and stepped out of the way of the cheerful students filing out of the classroom.

"What?" She asked a hint of irritation in her voice, as much as she didn't want to go to her meeting with Sauve she didn't want to be late, the sooner she arrived the sooner she left.

"Do you want to come back to mine for Tea before the cinema?" He asked as he joined her "Ma's making Pasta"

"I…" Ellie pondered the idea of skipping her meeting with Sauve, a small smile crossed her face "Sure why not" She added linking arms with Marco, Sauve would probably be angry with her when she didn't turn up but right now she'd take the cinema with Marco and Paige than talking about her so called problem with that woman.

"Hello Ellie dear." Marco's mom smiled as they entered the kitchen "How are you?"

"Fine thanks" Ellie said putting on a smile that she hoped looked convincing, she was so used to lying by now she pulled it off well everyone always seemed believed her.

"It's a good job I thought you might be coming, I made a vegetarian Pasta dish specially" Mrs Del Rossi told her cheerfully "Why don't you both sit down, your pa will be though in a minute" She told Marco as they took their seats. She served up the rather delicious looking meal and Ellie tucked in hungrily, sometimes she'd wish her own Mom would cook like Mrs Del Rossi did, but she hadn't cooked full stop since before her dad had left on his peace keeping mission, she was always too drunk.

"Ah Marco your home, and you brought Ellie with you" Marco's Dad smiled as he entered the room. "You make such a cute couple" Ellie raised an eyebrow as Marco turned red.

"Pa, I told you we broke up ages ago, were just friends now" He told him embarrassed

"Marco there is no such thing as a girl who is just a friend" His dad told him making Ellie choke on her pasta. She took a long drink of water and tried to look inconspicuous and failed miserably as Marco kicked her under the table.

"Well we are" He told his dad

"You're going to the cinema as just friends?" Marco's dad asked

"We're going with a group of others as well" Marco told him, "I'm not dating every girl who's coming"

"Well which one are you dating?" Marco's dad asked as Ellie fought hard to not burst out laughing, she felt sorry for Marco but his dad's ignorance was absolutely hilarious at times.

"None of them" Marco told him rolling his eyes

"We're just a group of friends going to the cinema" Ellie told his dad backing Marco up "Its not like I have a new boyfriend yet either"

"So why can't you both get back together?" Marco's dad asked

"We feel more like brother and sister, it felt wrong" Marco told him using the same lie he had told Spinner last year.

"Well Ellie you should be helping him find a new girlfriend, how about you introduce him to some of your friends?" Marco's dad asked

"We hang out with the same people" Ellie raised an eyebrow "so all my friends are Marco's friends already" she popped the last forkful of food from her plate in her mouth as the doorbell rang.

"That'll be the others" Marco said putting down his knife and fork and disrupting the conversation about his love life "Come on El, Bye Ma, Bye Pa"

"Have a good time!" Marco's mom smiled as they left the kitchen Ellie letting some of the laughter she had been hiding through the meal out as Marco opened the door to reveal Paige wearing a bright pink top and Jeans on the door step. Ellie stopped laughing immediately as she remembered she would be spending the night in Paige's company.

"Hey Paige" Marco nodded as Ellie folded her arms defensively

"All set?" Paige asked glancing at Marco and then practically staring over his shoulder at Ellie who shot her a glare.

"Yep" Marco replied unaware of the awkwardness between Ellie and Paige. He stepped out of the door way and Ellie followed reluctantly behind shutting the door after them as Paige led the way to Dylan' car.

"Marco you need to do something about him!" Ellie commented to Marco as she caught up with him.

"I Know, I'm not ready yet though" Marco told her

"Do something about who?" Paige asked curiously as they reached the sidewalk.

"My Dad he's been questioning me about girls again…" Marco rolled his eyes as they reached the car "It's his favourite dinner time topic"

"Hey Marco." Dylan smiled from the front seat of the car as they reached it, Marco smiled back at him and blushed a little as he climbed into the front seat next to Dylan and left Ellie to climb into the back with Paige and Spinner.

They set off towards the cinema, Ellie looked out of the window and let the cheesy pop music which was playing on the Radio fill her ears as the drove. She avoided making eye contact with the blonde next to her who had started telling Spinner off about something to do with spray cheese. But they didn't get far before Paige's attention was switched from Spinner to Ellie as she tried to make conversation.

"So How are you hun?" She asked

"Fine" Ellie replied sharply rolling her eyes and keeping her eyes fixed on the passing shops outside the window.

"How's it going?" Paige asked, Ellie knew she was attempting to refer to her so called problem without telling the rest of the car. Ellie rolled her eyes, she had to be thankful for one thing, Paige could keep her mouth shut when it was needed.

"Fantastic" She replied sarcastically with a slight glare before glancing out of the window wishing the journey would be over already. Paige shook her head a little she had to find a way to get Ellie to at least talk to her, if not accept her friendship. She sighed knowing it wasn't about to happen during this particular car journey, instead she turned her attention back to Spinner.

Once they arrived at the cinema and had found a parking space they headed inside where they met the others and all brought their tickets. Ellie and Marco Joined the queue at the snack stands to buy some popcorn and drinks while they waited for the movie to start. They were discussing Marco's dad when she felt someone tapping her shoulder; to her disgust she turned to see Paige.

"Yeah?" she asked irritably

"Can I talk to you?" Paige asked

"Well you already are…" Ellie replied sarcastically rolling her eyes

"In Private" Paige said emphasising the private part.

"I'm in the queue…" Ellie said trying to get out of the awkward conversation that she was pretty sure was about to happen.

"I'm sure Marco will get your popcorn for you, wont you Marco?" Paige said smiling a Marco

"Oh… yeh sure Paige" Marco replied confused before turning to Ellie "what do you want?"

"I want to buy my own snacks" Ellie said annoyed glaring at Paige.

"Ellie" Paige said with a hint of warning in her voice "five minutes please…"

"No" Ellie refused

"We can go talk about this in private or here it's up to you" Paige said placing her hands on her hips her eyes fixed on the red heads, she was going to get Ellie to talk to her no matter what it took.

"Oh for god's sake, ok!" Ellie rolled her eyes as she realised Paige was serious "Get me a popcorn and diet coke." She told shoving some money into a stunned Marco's hand before following Paige irritably.

"So?" Ellie said angrily "Finished Blackmailing me?"

"I wasn't Blackmailing you!" Paige rolled her eyes "It was the only way I could get you to talk to me!"

"Maybe that's because I don't want to talk to you!" Ellie told her

"I just want to be friends Ellie." Paige told her

"Well I don't" Ellie said folding her arms "Just because you found out one of my secrets and went to sauve about it, doesn't give you any right to try and be my friend, you weren't interested in being friends before so don't bother faking it now."

"It's obvious no one else knows you're hurting yourself and I feel like I should be here for you." Paige admitted "Seriously Ellie, How are the meetings with Sauve going, How are you doing?" She added

"That's not really any of your business" Ellie replied stepping back towards the door. "Paige you know you don't really care and I Don't either so how about you leave me alone you've already interfered in my life enough as it is." Ellie added angrily

"Ellie, I'm serious I'm just trying to help you, Miss Sauve is a wonderful counsellor she could really help you" Paige said sincerely

"And how would you know that?" Ellie shot back irritably

"She helped me Last year" Paige replied

"What did you have a fashion crisis or something?" Ellie replied sarcastically

"Actually, No. I was seeing her because I was raped." Paige told her making Ellie automatically regret what she had just said "She really helped me that's why I think it's a good idea for you to see her."

"Sorry" Ellie replied looking at the floor "I didn't know… I didn't mean to be…" she looked back up at the girl seeing a different side to the annoying blonde.

"Don't worry about it" Paige told her "She's a good counsellor, she'll help you as much as she can or as much as you'll let her" Paige said placing a hand on Ellie's shoulder which for the first time Ellie didn't shake off "And I want to help you too, Seriously, if you ever need anything you can ask me even if it's just someone to listen to you vent some anger or what ever, I know we've never been friends or anything but I hope we can put that behind us."

"Thanks Paige" Ellie nodded, although the girl had been horrid to her in the past she couldn't stay mad at her for this, Ellie could see she had only been trying to help her, even thought it was with something she didn't need help with maybe it was time she forgot about the past anyway.

"How about be get back to the movie before Marco thinks one of us killed the other one?" Paige suggested with a small smile

"Yeah that would probably be a good idea" Ellie nodded with a smirk as Paige led the way back to the foyer where the rest of the group were just about to go into the screen ready for the movie.

"Where did you two go?" Marco asked confused, as he handed over Ellie's popcorn, drink and change.

"I wanted Ellie's advice on something for your birthday." Paige replied nudging Ellie slightly who shot her a small smile in return for the quick cover up.

"Ok…" Marco said raising an eyebrow at the girl's sudden friendship "Are we going to see this movie or what?"

"Of Course Hun" Paige said taking Spinner's arm and leading the way into the darkened cinema.

Ellie was bored she really couldn't bare one more corny line for the stupid movie. She had much more important things she could be doing right now like making sure her mother wasn't drinking herself into a coma or cleaning up the bottle ridden house. To make things even better Paige kept shooting her small smiles, their new friendship was something which Ellie knew would take a few weeks to get used to. Marco kept looking over at her worriedly as well, he kept giving her those 'I'm so concerned about what's going on with you' looks which she hated, she was fine and she didn't need anyone worrying over her. Finally she had had enough, she stood making the decision right now she'd rather be at home rather than here. She pushed past Marco and Dylan towards the aisle and out the door.

"Ellie?" Marco's voice asked from behind her as she reached the foyer "where are you going?"

"Home." She replied sharply wondering why he had to follow her.

"El, what's wrong?" Marco asked concerned

"Nothing" Ellie snapped defensively storming out of the cinema leaving Marco stood in the middle of the foyer. Marco stood confused for awhile before heading back into the cinema with his hands in his pockets.

"Where did Ellie go?" Paige asked in a whisper as Marco took his seat again.

"Home." Marco shrugged "What on earth did you say to her earlier?"

"That is none of your business Marco; she'll be fine down worry." Paige told him

"She's my best friend" Marco asked angrily "not yours, you couldn't have cared less about her last week! Now for some reason you're puling her off to a side having talks with her in secret and telling me she'll be fine, you don't even know her!"

"I know more about her than you think" Paige told him sharply.

"Oh Whatever" Marco said irritably "I just hope your not plotting something."

Paige rolled her eyes and rested her head on Spinner's shoulder. She wanted to make Marco understand what was going on with his best friend but she knew it wasn't her place to tell him instead she kept her mouth shut.

---

Ellie walked into the Park heading towards home kicking at the dirt as she went. She felt so out of place in the cinema. She couldn't just sit around some cinema watching a movie she couldn't careless about with a bunch of happy smiling people she had to look after her mother. She wrapped her arms around herself tightly as she walked and thought about her conversation with Paige earlier; as much as she didn't want to admit it she was glad to have Paige on her side. She had had to admit it would be good to have someone to talk to about her problems if she ever needed it. She let out a sigh as she climbed the steps up to the front door of her house. The door clicked open and she stepped into the dully lit hallway shutting it again behind her and turning the key in the lock, locking it behind her. She paused to listen and sighed as she heard the sound of throwing up from upstairs. She removed her coat and stepped into the living room, she began cleaning up the bottles and cigarette stubs from around the room before gently flattening covers of the sofa, folding the blanket and turning the television off. Once the room was tidy she headed to the bottom of the stairs where she met her mother who was coming down the stairs clinging to the rail.

"Eleanor" She smiled drunkenly

"Mom you ok?" Ellie asked as she reached the bottom of the stairs

"Oh course Eleanor I just need to get a little drink to steady my nerves" Her mom replied heading towards the kitchen.

Ellie followed her and lent against the door frame rolling her eyes as her mother dug out a bottle of Whiskey from the alcohol cupboard. She poured her self a glass slopping the horrid smelling brown liquid on the counter as she did so. She watched as her mother down one glass, two glasses, three glasses… before she eventually gave up bothering to pour it into a glass instead she simply picked up the bottle and took a long drink before heading back over to where Ellie was stood. She completely ignored the presence of her daughter and headed straight past her into the living room. Ellie sighed shaking her head as the door slammed shut and headed into the kitchen, pulling a cloth from the sink she started cleaning up the spilt whiskey. She slipped the glass in the sink too before sitting down at the table and resting her head on her arms tiredly.


	3. Beautiful Lie

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars

Scars 

Chapter 2: Beautiful Lie 

_Lie awake in bed at night  
And think about your life  
Do you want to be different?  
Try to let go of the truth  
The battles of your youth  
'Cause this is just a game _

It's time to forget about the past  
To wash away what happened last  
Hide behind an empty face  
Don't ask too much, just say  
'Cause this is just a game

Everyone's looking at me  
I'm running around in circles  
A quiet desperation's building higher  
I've got to remember this is just a game

_It's a beautiful lie  
It's a perfect denial  
Such a beautiful lie to believe in  
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me _

The weekend seemed to last forever in Ellie's eyes. With nothing better to do she spent most of it working on her English Essay that was due in on Monday occasionally having a break to clean up after her mother or watch some random television for awhile. Monday Morning dawned the crisp winter air catching Ellie's breath as she left the house and began her walk to school.

"Hey El, Wait up!" Marco's cheerful voice said from her left as she entered the park. She rolled her eyes and turned round to see him running over to her. "Have a good weekend?"

"Yep" Ellie lied forcing a smile "you?"

"I Spent most of it with Dylan so yes" Marco smiled they continued on in silence and before Marco turned to Ellie. "What happened on Friday? Why did you go?" He asked a hint of concern entering his voice.

"It was nothing Marco, I just needed some space." Ellie told him bluntly quickening her pace making him have to practically run to keep up with her.

"What did Paige say to you?" He asked her grabbing her arm forcing her slow down a little, she winced as his fingers closed on some of the open wounds on her arm.

"Nothing" Ellie told him rolling her eyes and pulling her arm back from his grasp.

"Is she the reason you left?" He questioned stepping round in front of her.

"No, for your information she's not" Ellie replied side stepping to avoid him

"Look El, I just want to be there for you and help you, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong." Marco told her as he jogged along beside her towards the school.

"Marco, I'm Fine, Nothing is wrong." Ellie told him "Look I needed some space on Friday, that's all." Ellie added to help convince him before she started up the steps towards the front doors of Degrassi leaving Marco at the bottom looking at her back thoughts buzzing through his head. "You coming or what?" she asked turning to look at him.

"Yeah" Marco said with a nod snapping out of his daze he climbed the steps as she headed into the building he followed her inside and caught up with her at her locker. Marco waited in silence as Ellie got out her books and then they walked to homeroom together still in a fairly awkward silence.

They entered the Media Immersions lab, Ellie looked across the room and spotted Paige sitting over the side of the room, the blonde smile at her a gave her a brief nod which Ellie returned before taking her usual seat next to Ashley, who immediately began blabbing on about her weekend at Craig's. Ellie rolled her eyes and nodded in what she figured were all the right places until to her relief Mr Simpson arrived and Ashley had stop mid flow to avoid detention. Mr Simpson started to call the register but as he called Ashley's Name there was a knock on the door.

"Mr Simpson, Is Ellie here?" Miss Sauve's voice said from the door way making Ellie suddenly begin to pay a lot of attention to the keyboard in front of her.

"Yep" He replied looking up at the councillor and then glancing towards Ellie who was sitting frozen at her computer.

"Could I borrow her for a minute?" She asked, Ellie wanted to hit her head on the computer screen, she had completely forgotten about the session she skipped on Friday.

"Of Course" Mr Simpson nodded, Marco gave her a worried look as she stood up, she could feel Paige's eyes burning into her back as well as she headed to the door way. Miss Sauve led her into the corridor and shut the classroom door behind them.

"Why didn't you come to the session on Friday?" She asked straight away a hint of anger in her voice

"I had something else to do" Ellie said raising an eyebrow and looking her in the eyes.

"Ellie you're supposed to come to the sessions with me so we can work on getting you better, it is important you come" Sauve told her shaking her head

"I don't have anything to get better from" Ellie snapped back irritably

"You may not think you have a problem but you do Ellie you need to realise that, If you skip a session again I will start picking you up and walking you to my office, I expect to see you on Friday same time as usual" Sauve told her strictly

"Whatever" Ellie replied sharply folding her arms "Can I go back to homeroom now?"

"Yes, But Remember to come next time please or I mean it, I will have to start escorting you to sessions" Sauve told her. Ellie rolled her eyes and headed irritably back into the classroom and to her seat. Marco gave her a concerned look as she sat down and turned her attention back to Mr Simpson ignoring her classmates questioning looks from around her. Finally The bell rang signalling homeroom was over and they began to head out and towards English, Ellie picked up her bag and found Marco blocking her path, she rolled her eyes and stepped round him, leaving homeroom. As she got out into the corridor he caught up with her and as she predicted began to question her.

"What was that about?" Marco asked as he reached her side

"Co-op" Ellie lied keeping her eyes on the corridor ahead.

"Oh" Marco nodded "Ok"

Ellie breathed a sigh of relief that he had swallowed her lie and forced a small smile onto her face which Marco returned.

"How's your co-op going anyway?" Marco asked curiously "You haven't talked about it much, mind, you haven't talked much about anything recently"

"It's good" Ellie told him steering the conversation away from the awkward questioning she could see coming "Its hard work but really interesting, I defiantly want to look more into journalism as a career."

"That sounds cool" Marco nodded "I Still have no idea what I want to do for a career."

"You'll find something, we've got, what two and a half years before we leave here, let alone have to think about it properly" Ellie told him with a shrug

"Good point" Marco nodded "Let's concentrate on getting to English on time huh?"

"Yeah, lets" Ellie smiled a little. As they headed down the corridor towards their English classroom and the first lesson of the day.

---

The end of the day seemed to take forever to come but when it finally did Ellie headed towards the front doors, debating whether to go home straight away or to go to the dot to get a drink and delay returning to clean up after her mother.

"Hey El, Wait up!" Ashley's voice echoed down the corridor after Ellie. Ellie turned round to see the taller girl coming towards her "Want to walk together?"

"Where's Craig?" Ellie asked suspiciously wondering why Ashley wasn't drooling over him as usual.

"I Don't know, he mentioned something to do with music earlier" Ashley told her waving a hand casually as they left the building together. "we're not glued to each other you know"

"Could have fooled me" Ellie replied rolling her eyes

"Anyway, I haven't seen much of you lately, we need a catch up session" Ashley told her ignoring Ellie's comment

"There's nothing to catch up on." Ellie responded "Everything's the same as it's always been"

"El, Ash!" Paige's voice yelled from behind them, for the first time in her life Ellie actually found herself glad of the blonde's presence.

"Hey Paige" Ellie smiled slightly as she joined them and Ashley gave her a vaguely confused look before greeting Paige too.

"Where's guitar boy?" Paige asked noticing Craig wasn't with Ashley

"Seriously everyone acts as if we're stuck to each other!" Ashley rolled her eyes irritably. "Anyway I should be the one questioning you two, why the sudden friendship?"

"We came to a mutual understanding and put the past behind us" Paige told her and Ellie nodded

"Well… ok… Strange but at least I can hang out with you both at the same time without you killing each other…" Ashley shrugged

"Anyone fancy a drink at the dot?" Paige offered

"I was heading there anyway, so sure" Ellie nodded

"I Can't, Mom wants me home to keep an eye on Toby and JT, her and Jeff are going out and they want to come back to a house…" Ashley sighed.

The three girls walked together until they reached the Park where Ashley bid the other two goodbye and headed off towards her house. Paige and Ellie started to walk towards the dot together in a fairly awkward silence.

"Well I think we are officially confusing everyone" Paige smiled breaking the silence.

"I know" Ellie smiled back "I think even Marco's pretty freaked out by our friendship"

"Everyone will get over it eventually" Paige waved her hand as the reached the dot and led them inside.

"Can you get me a Strawberry Milkshake please Spin" Paige asked Spinner as she approached the counter "and Whatever El wants"

"uh…ok…" Spinner said looking vaguely confused "Ellie?"

"Can I have a Chocolate Milkshake please" Ellie asked, Spinner nodded and headed off to get the girls drinks. He returned with the two milkshakes and they both paid up leaving Spinner watching confused as they took seats at a table by the window.

"Did you have a good weekend?" Paige asked as they took their seats

"I guess" Ellie shrugged "you?"

"It was pretty boring really, Spin was working" Ellie noticed she was glaring slightly at her boyfriend's back as she spoke. She snapped out of the glare and turned her gaze back to Ellie "Why did Sauve come pull you out of homeroom this morning?" she added with a hint of curiosity in her voice. Ellie was about to snap back at her that it was none of her business but decided otherwise.

"I skipped her session on Friday and went to Marco's instead" Ellie admitted taking a sip on her milkshake.

"Oh" Paige nodded "When's your next session?"

"Friday" Ellie told her stirring her milkshake round with the straw absentmindedly.

"Still don't want to go?" Paige commented noticing Ellie's vaguely disapproving look.

"Who would want to go sit and be questioned by Sauve?" Ellie asked looking up and Paige smiled a little

"A very Crazy person at a guess, you may not enjoy it but one day you'll probably look back at your sessions with her and be glad of them." Paige shrugged picking up her glass and taking a sip from the straw.

"Are you glad you went to sessions with her?" Ellie asked curiously Paige paused and stiffened a little obviously not expecting the question. "Sorry I shouldn't have asked" Ellie added quickly

"Nah, don't worry" Paige shrugged "Yeah I guess I am glad I went to sessions with Sauve, I think things would have been so much worse if I hadn't. You're not thinking about skipping it again are you?"

"No, I don't want her chasing me up again." Ellie shrugged "At least I'll be away from home for a bit longer than usual." She added voicing her thoughts not realising exactly what she had said before it was too late. She looked up at the blonde who had a confused look across her face.

"Why don't you want to be at home?" Paige asked confused and Ellie tensed up more, she had said too much.

"No reason." She replied bluntly pushing her drink away "talking of home, I need to go, I'll see you tomorrow" Ellie told her standing up and leaving Paige sitting in the dot wondering exactly what about Ellie's home life made her want to be away from it so much.

---

Friday arrived, Paige decided it was best not to mention what Ellie had said about not wanting to be at home and Ellie was glad she hadn't asked her any other questions. The last bell rang, Ellie found herself trudging down the corridor towards Miss Sauve's office again for yet another appointment, she was already sick of the room and she'd only been having appointments in their for less than a week. She knocked on the door and was greeted by Miss Sauve's overly happy expression.

"Ellie!" Miss Sauve smiled "I'm glad you remembered to come this time."

"Sure you are" Ellie replied harshly. She entered the office and took the same seat as usual she shot a glare at Sauve who instantly began questioning her once the door was shut.

"How's everything going? Have you been cutting?" She asked

"I told you last time that's none of your business" Ellie snapped back

"Ellie you need to admit you have a problem." Miss Sauve sighed "I can't help you if you wont admit it."

"I do not have a Problem! My only problem is that I have to come waste my time in here every week!" Ellie told her angrily

"What you class as a problem then if cutting yourself isn't a problem?" Sauve asked making notes in her stupid little book. Ellie paused to think slightly.

"Oh… I don't know" Ellie replied "the need to kill everyone surrounding you? Drinking yourself to death? Taking drugs? What do you want me to say, Oh, I cut myself I have a big problem? Well I don't. If I didn't cut myself I'd probably have actual problems that you can scribble about in your notebook." She added sharply

"Why do you think that?" Sauve asked curiously looking up from her notebook.

"I Don't think that. I know that, How can something that makes living bearable be a problem?" Ellie folded her arms irritably

"Because you shouldn't have to hurt yourself to make your life bearable, it should already be bearable." Sauve told her

"Well life's not like that." Ellie said sharply standing up "Can I go?"

"I guess so, your obviously not in a very co-operative mood so you might as well" Sauve nodded "Please think about discussing this properly next week, same time, same place."

"Whatever" Ellie replied rolling her eyes and stepping out the door straight into somebody knocking their books that they had been carrying to the floor.

"Sorry" Ellie said quickly bending down to pick up the books not realising who she had bumped into, she stood up and offered the books to their owner and found herself looking into the eyes of her best friend.

"Ellie?" Marco asked worried taking the pile of books from her and trying to catch her eye as she looked anywhere but in his eyes.

"Marco…" Ellie replied panic in her voice as she wondered what she was going to tell him.

"Why were you in Sauve's office?" Marco asked concerned

"I…" Ellie started turning red "I was just… asking her something…. About Co-op" she looked down at her boots and kicked at the floor.

"What is going on with you Ellie?" Marco asked confused placing a finger under her chin and raising her head so her eyes were level with his "Seriously you've not been yourself for weeks, Sauve drags you out of homeroom on Monday and now you're seeing her in her office after school?"

"Nothing is going on, I have to get home." Ellie snapped pulling away and storming off down the corridor Marco's arm dropped down to his side and he watched her leave both confused and worried about what was going on, he sighed hoping that sometime soon she would let him in and he'd be able to help her with whatever was going on.

---

Ellie ran away from Degrassi as fast as she could her boots thumping in a steady rhythm. She was breathing heavily as she reached the front door of her house and let herself in as usual expecting to come across her mother passed out on the sofa, throwing up in the bathroom or drinking herself stupid as usual. As she shut the door however she realised her mother was sat talking on the phone looking pretty cheerful and sober. Ellie immediately wondered for a second if she'd come to her senses and stopped drinking but her hope faded when she saw the nearly empty vodka bottle on the table next to her, maybe not. She looked up at her mother from the bottle and raised an eyebrow as her mother acknowledged her presence.

"Yes, yes she just walked in the door now actually" Her mother said to whoever was on the other end of the line.

"I'll hand you over" She said before offering Ellie the phone "It's your dad" she said quietly covering the receiver with a shaky hand. So That explained her Moms unexpected cheerfulness, Ellie thought to herself as she took the phone and her mother picked up the vodka bottle.

"Hey dad" Ellie said into the phone turning away from her mother as she drained the bottle.

"Hey Sweetie" He replied "How are you?"

"I'm fine thanks dad." Ellie lied putting her bag down. "How's everything going?"

"That's good Sweetie, Everything's going well I'll hopefully have leave around Christmas so I might see you then, My times nearly up now so I'll have to talk to you later" He told her "Be good for your Mom"

"I Will dad, do you want to talk to her again?" Ellie asked looking over at her mom who was rubbing her head with a shaky hand.

"I Better say bye to her" He replied "Bye Sweetie"

"Bye dad" Ellie said taking the phone away from her ear and handing it to her mom, who perked up again once she was talking to her husband. Ellie rolled her eyes and took her Coat off listening as her mom desperately tried to keep him on the phone for as long as possible.

"Ok Dave, if you really have to go…" She sighed a few minutes later "Right ok then I'll talk to you soon, Bye" Ellie lent on the wall as her mom hung up and pulled her coat of the peg.

"I'm going to the store" She told Ellie "You should do some homework or something." She added as she opened the front door

"I… sure mom" Ellie replied as the door slammed shut.

Ellie sighed and picked up the empty vodka bottle and put it in the bin, it looked like she was in store for yet another long weekend looking after her mother.

---

It had been a long weekend for Ellie, Marco kept trying to ring her and had left several messages on the answer machine which she had ignored. By Sunday Ellie had gotten sick of ignoring the phone and disconnected it to prevent its constant ringing. Monday morning arrived and Marco had kept pulling her to aside to try and get something more about her being in Sauve's room out of her, it didn't surprise her Marco was always pretty persistent. What did surprise her was that the person that eventually managed to get him to leave her alone was Paige. She had dragged her away from him after she caught him begging her to tell him the truth for the fifth time that day, Paige then continued to spend the whole day at Ellie's side so Marco hadn't gotten another chance to corner her all day. They had even walked most of the way home together. Ellie silently thanked the blonde with a nod as they went their separate ways.

Wednesday evening found Ellie walking down the street towards her house slowly as usual not really wanting to go home but knowing she had too. Marco hadn't questioned her since Monday but Ellie suspected it was more because he hadn't had the chance to that because he'd forgotten about bumping into her. She threw open the door of the house and realised the phone was ringing so she threw her coat off and picked it up.

"Hey Ellie" Her dads cheerful voice echoed down the phone making a small smile instantly cross Ellie's face.

"Hey Dad" Ellie said sitting down on the bottom step of the stairs "How's everything going"

"Its good, is your mother around?" Her dad asked

"No she's gone to the store" Ellie told him as she pushed the living room door open a little and watched her mother drinking Vodka from the bottle.

"Oh ok then" He replied "How was school?"

"Not bad, I'm looking forwards to seeing you over Christmas" Ellie told him twiddling the phone cord

"El I'm sorry but I've got to stay over Christmas now." He told her, Ellie fell silent and stopped fiddling with the phone cord

"You're not coming back?" Ellie said biting her lip, she had hoped and hoped her father would be back for the holiday's, now all she had too look forward to was seeing her mother permanently passed out on the sofa.

"I'm Sorry sweetie but I can't" He told her "They need me here, I'm sure I'll have leave soon don't worry, That's why I was ringing to tell your Mom not to make any special arrangements because I cant come back, will you tell your Mom when she gets back from the store?"

"Yeah, ok I can't wait for when you get leave" Ellie said trying to not let her disappointment enter her voice.

"I can't either El" He replied "Now be good for your mom, I'll talk to you again soon"

"I will dad, bye" Ellie responded

"Bye sweetie" He said softly

The phone line went dead. Ellie held the buzzing phone to her ear for a minute before letting her arm drop down. She placed it back on the hook and climbed the stairs to the bathroom. Slumping down against the bath she took the blade to her wrist and pressed down quite hard letting the relief flow over her. Taking her mind of the fact she still had to tell her Mom the horrible news about her father not coming back for Christmas.

Once she had cleaned up Ellie went downstairs and pushed the living Room door open and stepped into the smoky room coughing slightly. Her mother was sitting up holding a bottle of vodka flicking through the television channels.

"Mom?" Ellie asked slightly warily not knowing how mom would react as she was always so unpredictable when she was drunk.

"What do you want Eleanor?" He mom asked drunkenly shielding her eyes from the light with her free hand.

"Dad called…" Ellie started

"Is he still on the line? I want to talk to him" She jumped in standing up and grasping the table again as her world spun.

"No Mom he had to go" Ellie told her taking a nervous step forwards "He rang too say he's not coming back over the holidays"

"Your lying, of course he's coming back" She said immediately making a gesture with the vodka bottle in her hand letting it spill a little onto the stained dull green carpet.

"Mom, I'm not, he's got to stay in Kabul" Ellie told her watching as her mom's face turned redder Ellie backed away a little and suddenly found the half full vodka bottle flying at her

"Liar!" Her mother screamed Ellie dodged sideways and the bottle caught her should breaking and falling to the floor leaving a few shards caught in Ellie's shoulder. Ellie winced as she felt the glass cutting through her shoulder.

"Why doesn't he love me" She said slumping down on the sofa sobbing. Ellie placed her hand on her shoulder which was bleeding her shirt sleeve was torn and a couple of shards of glass appeared to be stuck in her shoulder. She turned back to her mom and watched her pick up a bottle of whiskey and start drinking.

"Dad loves us Mom but he can't come back" Ellie told her, her voice shaking "He's got to do his job"

She got no reply to her last sentence so she left her mom drinking the whiskey and left the room shutting the door firmly behind her before she let the tears come. She threw on her coat and left the house knowing she needed to get away for a while, her hands were still shaking and the tears kept falling from her eyes smearing her make up. She didn't know where to go, she didn't want to go back home and she didn't want to turn up on Marco's doorstep in her current state, Ashley's was out of the question, she would be with Craig. Ellie was in a daze she suddenly found herself walking down a vaguely familiar street to a house she had been too once before; she climbed the steps and knocked on the door.

Ellie Suddenly realised where she was, her headed snapped up as a light switched on in the house In front of her, Cursing herself silently she turned round and started headed away from the house at a brisk walk her heavy boots pounding on the side walk she had barely gotten ten footsteps away when the door clicked open behind her.

"Ellie?" Paige's concerned voice echoed out from the house behind her "Are you ok?" Ellie immediately regretted knocking as she turned to face the blonde girl.

"I.. I shouldn't have come" Ellie said looking up "I'm sorry, I have to go" she added sharply turned and begun to leave again but Paige grabbed her arm.

"No, you're here now, come inside" Paige told her worriedly

"Paige, I can't…" Ellie said her voice shaking as she spoke

"Come on" Paige insisted and Ellie sighed rolling her eyes half heartedly and stepped inside. "You obviously came here for a reason."

Paige led her though the house and up to what Ellie presumed to be her room. Paige shut the door too as Ellie sat down nervously on the edge of her bed. She felt out of place in Paige's house, she knew she shouldn't have come especially in the state she was in now, she hated to show weakness to anyone let alone to someone who had been her enemy till the week before.

"What's going on?" Paige asked sitting down next to her. She could vaguely smell alcohol on the other girl and for a minute debated the possibility that she may have been drinking, though she did seem pretty sober.

"It's nothing, I just wanted to get out of my house for a bit" Ellie replied looking down at her skirt and the pale purple carpet beneath her chunky black boots.

"Are you sure?" Paige asked her placing a hand on Ellie's arm "Are you ok? You seem pretty shaken…"

"I'm fine" Ellie snapped avoiding Paige's eyes

"Why don't I get you a drink?" Paige suggested standing up "Or something to eat?"

"I'm ok" Ellie told her looking up

"How about a hot chocolate?" Paige said not taking no for an answer "Then we can talk." She suggested "if you want too that is" She added.

"Ok I guess" Ellie nodded fiddling with a loose thread in her arm warmers.

"Right I'll be right back" Paige said leaving the room pulling the door nearly closed behind her.

Ellie could feel her shoulder twinging beneath her jacket through the whole of the awkward conversation with Paige, She waited till she heard Paige walking downstairs before pulling her coat off her shoulder to look at where the bottle had collided with her she winced as she touched the largest piece of glass. She pulled her fingers off and noticed they had blood on them; she was too busy checking out her shoulder to hear Paige climbing the stairs again a few minutes later.

Paige reached the door and looked through the crack to see Ellie examining her shoulder which looked like it was bleeding. Paige pushed the door open slowly and entered the room Ellie didn't hear her enter and continued to examine her shoulder before wincing and pulling something that looked like a piece of glass from it.

"What happened?" Paige asked concerned putting the tray down on her desk, making Ellie jump and drop the piece of glass on the floor. She immediately lent down and picked up the piece of glass realising it had splattered blood on Paige's nice, new and very clean looking carpet.

"Nothing" Ellie said pulling her jacket back up "I've got blood on your carpet now, sorry…" she apologised clenching her fist around the glass.

"It doesn't matter" Paige said coming over to the bed and looking at Ellie's hands and the piece of glass clenched in her fist. She held her hand open and Ellie placed the glass in her palm, she quickly deposited it in her bin before turning back to the red head "Let me see"

"No, its fine" Ellie snapped standing up "I should go"

"Ellie, please! You don't want to get an infection or anything." Paige said standing up and blocking the door way. Ellie stopped and looked down at her shoes. Reluctantly she took of her coat and Paige looked over at her shoulder. "There still more glass in it." Paige stated "Sit down again I'll get some antiseptic. Take off your top and I'll try and clean you up ok?"

Paige left the room and Ellie pulled off her t-shirt and Mesh top leaving her feeling pretty vulnerable in just a strappy black top and her arm warmers, she was thankful she hadn't cut her upper arms since Paige had caught her so the scars weren't as fresh as the ones on her forearms, she didn't feel like explaining why she was still cutting, not tonight when she'd already made the stupid mistake of arriving on Paige's doorstep in the first place. Paige came back in and placed a bowl of water which smelt strongly of antiseptic on the bedside table along with some cotton wool.

"We're going to have to take the glass out first" Paige commented looking at Ellie's shoulder. "It's probably going to hurt"

Paige began taking out the pieces of glass, they fell into silence which was only broken as Ellie winced now and again, they didn't speak again until Paige had dabbed antiseptic on the wounds and wrapped a bandage round it. She cleaned up the medical supplies and returned to her room to see Ellie sat in the same position as she had been when she had left.

"You want to tell me what happened?" Paige asked leaning on the door frame. Ellie paused for a minute looking up at the blonde girl in front of her trying to think up a lie that would keep her off her back.

"I walked into a glass cupboard door" Ellie lied "I Broke It"

"Really?" Paige asked something inside her told her Ellie was lying, the way she had turned up on her doorstep and the fact she was still shaking pointed to something bigger than walking into a simple cupboard door. "So why did you turn up on my doorstep looking really upset?"

"I was just being stupid" Ellie muttered "I should really go, Mom will be…"

"Its late why don't ring your mom and then sleep here?" Paige offered "I have a camp bed I'll get it out for you"

"I don't know, I should really go home…" Ellie said biting her lip a night away from her mother was never a bad thing, but her mother needed looking after right now, Ellie would never forgive herself if something happened to her.

Ellie moved uncomfortably and Suddenly Paige's eyes were drawn to Ellie's arm, her arm warmer had slipped a little and a few fresh red cuts were visible. Paige stepped towards her and lent over to take her arm and Ellie moved it away jumping up.

"Ellie are you still cutting?" Paige asked in a concerned voice, she had though the meetings with Sauve would have helped her stop cutting altogether or at least cut down how many times she cut but judging by the number of fresh cuts that has been exposed she had thought wrong. Ellie pulled her arm warmer up again and stared at Paige defiantly.

"That's none of your business!" She snapped back trying to dodge round Paige who put an arm out to stop her.

"Ellie I just want to help, Hasn't seeing Sauve been helping you at all?" Paige asked worriedly

"I Don't have anything for her to help me with!" Ellie told her irritably "there's nothing wrong with me…"

"Ellie there has to be something wrong for you to do this!" Paige said grabbing her arm warmer, pulling it down revealing even more fresh cuts. "Tell me the truth what's going on? What really happened to your shoulder and why are you cutting still?"

"Nothing is going on!" Ellie yelled leaning over to pick up her coat and other tops before placing her hand on the door knob "I'm going home"

"No your not, not until you tell me Ellie" Paige said putting her hand on the door stopping Ellie from opening it.

"Let me go" Ellie said her face white

"Tell me!" Paige said persuasively

"Mom was drunk ok, when I told her dad wasn't going to come home over the holidays and she got mad that's it, Happy now?" Ellie asked her voice harsh. She could fell the tears welling up in her eyes she wiped them away before Paige could see and stared at her in the eyes.

"And she threw a bottle at you?" Paige asked

"Yeah she didn't mean it, she doesn't know what she's doing when she's drunk" Ellie said defending her mom.

"Look I'm serious about staying over do you want me to get the camp bed out you can have a night away from home? It might help." Paige suggested her eyes sincere.

"Fine" Ellie muttered leaning back on the wall the idea of giving her mom a night to cool off did actually appeal to her. Paige nodded and Left the room to get the camp bed. Paige returned and set up the bed while Ellie sat silently on her desk chair. She smoothed out the pink covers and looked up at the other girl.

"Sorry about the colour, I'm afraid I don't have any black bed covers" Paige smiled trying to lighten the mood a little Ellie looked up

"I'll live" Ellie said letting a small smile cross her face for a second

"And I'm afraid I don't down any Black Pyjamas either" Paige said digging though one of her draws and producing a pair of long sleeved dark purple Pyjamas which she handed to Ellie.

"You can change in the bathroom its just down the hallway, it's got a sign on the door, makes it pretty obvious" Paige told her, Ellie nodded and headed out of the room.

She found the bathroom easily as Paige had said it was labelled with a porcelain tag with flowers painted on it. She opened he door and took in the clean white room with pink decorations. She locked the door and quickly made the change into Paige's Pyjamas. She picked up her pile of clothes and looked in the mirror above the sink her make up was smudged and looked awful she put the pile of clothes on the bath and set to cleaning her face of with some toilet tissue. Once she had done she flushed the tissue away and took a couple of deep breaths to get herself together before picking up her clothes and heading back to Paige's room.

---

Ellie jumped as she heard Paige's alarm clock go off behind her. She had spent most of the night awake staring at the pale purple wall in front of her unable to sleep, thoughts running through her head as she tossed and turned in the unfamiliar bed.

"You awake hun?" Paige asked Ellie rolled over a looked up at the blonde who was sitting up suppressing a yawn. Ellie sat up too and nodded.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Paige asked getting up and opening her curtains letting the room fill with light.

"I don't mind" Ellie said feeling slightly nervous

"How do pancakes sound?" Paige asked scooting round her bed and fiddling with something on her table.

"Great" Ellie nodded

"Ok then you an get dressed if you want while I go tell Dylan to get cooking, he makes the best pancakes ever" Paige said as she headed towards the door Ellie nodded and waited till the door clicked shut before quickly changing into her clothes from the day before, she was just examining the bandage when Paige knocked on the door.

"Are you decent?" Paige asked

"Yeah" Ellie replied looking up as Paige entered

"Dylan's just started cooking the pancakes they'll be ready soon" Paige announced "I'll just grab my clothes and go get dressed"

Once Paige was dressed she returned to her room where Ellie was examining her cell phone reading a message or something.

"Coming?" Paige asked as Ellie looked up. Ellie nodded and stood up and followed the blonde downstairs admiring her house, it was very nicely decorated and very clean, spotless in fact. They entered the kitchen where Dylan was just serving up three plates of pancakes.

"Morning Ellie" He nodded and Ellie gave him a small smile back as she took the seat that Paige gestured at and tucked into the pancakes in front of her. Ellie listened to Paige and Dylan bickering over something or other as she ate she sighed a little wishing that life in her house was as simple as at Paige's.

After breakfast they piled into Dylan's car and they drove towards school. They arrived on time outside the building and Ellie and Paige Climbed out of the car so Dylan could go and park. Ellie turned to Paige as they reached the top of the stairs.

"Thanks" Ellie said as they walked through the doors

"No problem hun" Paige said placing a reassuring hand on Ellie's uninjured shoulder "If you ever need to talk I'm here ok?"

Ellie nodded and the blonde headed away down the opposite direction to her to go a find her friends. Ellie wasn't alone long though Marco soon arrived by her side.

"Dylan said you stayed at his last night" Marco commented

"Yeah I did" Ellie admitted

"What's with you and Paige, you've become like best friends lately." Marco asked

"Marco we just put our differences aside ok" Ellie told him "She's a good person and I'm glad we made friends"

"I know she's a good person and a good friend it's just strange that you two get on." Marco told her "Is there anything going on you want to tell me about?" he added

"No" Ellie quickly shaking her head

"Look I'm sorry for hassling you about Sauve ok" Marco blurted out, Ellie could tell he had been waiting to apologise since he had seen her. "I'm just worried about you ok?"

"It's ok" Ellie nodded

"El Your my best friend and I just want to be able to help you with whatever's going on." Marco told her "I wish you would just tell me what the matter is but I know that's your decision and you'll tell me if you want to." he added "Just remember I'm always here if you need me ok?" Marco told her

"Ok" Ellie smiled a little as he pulled her into a hug which she returned

"How about we head of to homeroom?" Marco suggested Ellie nodded and they walked in a comfortable silence together to homeroom.

A/n: Thanks to xobabigrl617 for reviewing


	4. This Time Imperfect

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or This Time Imperfect by AFI

Scars 

Chapter 3: This Time Imperfect 

_I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,  
I'd share with you could I only speak,  
Just how much this, hurts me,_

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,  
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,  
Imagined heart, I disappear,  
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

The Holidays arrived quickly Paige had never mentioned the night Ellie turned up on her doorstep she reminded concerned about the red head but kept her distance knowing that if Ellie needed her she would be there and Ellie had to admit she was glad she now had the blonde as a friend. On her return home the next day Ellie had found that her mother was back to her usual self passed out on the sofa like nothing had happened, although she was on edge worrying if she might flip out again, she just kept out of her way as much as she could and so far so good. Marco had given up on Ellie telling him why she had been in Sauve's office that evening for the moment and he knew that if she ever needed him she would come to him. Although he still worried about her, he just concentrated on trying to be as good a friend as possible to her in the hope one day she would tell him what was going on of her own accord.

Soon it was the final day of term. It was a wintery day the ice cold breeze whistled past the windows of the school making the students thankful they were inside not out, The Last bell rung and the winter holidays begun. The students were buzzing excitedly through the corridors, saying goodbye to their friends and digging through their lockers.

Marco put his Maths textbook into his locker and locked it a small smile crossing his face as he thought about the three weeks of holiday ahead of him. Looking round he saw Ashley further down the corridor putting something in her locker. He pushed through the bustling students towards her.

"So what are you up to for the holidays?" He asked her leaning on the locker next to hers.

"I'm going round to Craig's" Ashley said dreamily "and we have the show…"

Marco rolled his eyes, what a surprise Craig. Ashley had become very over sappy about him recently and it had become five times more sickening ever since they had started rehearsing for the Christmas show.

"Well I hope you have a good time." He nodded looked around them in the hope of spotting Ellie returning from getting whatever it had been that she had needed to get from her locker or Paige, even Spinner anyone he could excuse himself to go and talk too.

"I can't wait, it should be wonderful!" Ashley said closing her locker a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Have you seen Ellie?" Marco asked Ashley as they started to walk towards the door together "she said she'd meet me to walk back once she'd got something from her locker"

"Nope" Ashley shook her head

"Shall we wait for her?" Marco asked not wanting to leave Ellie to walk by herself when he had agreed to walk with her earlier.

"You can but I can't, I don't have time, I'm meeting Craig and I need to take my bag home first." Ashley told him

"Oh ok. I'll wait, it wouldn't be fair to just leave her." Marco said taking his chance he knew he'd much rather walk home with Ellie, than dreamy eyed 'Craig is fantastic' Ashley right now anyway. Craig was cool but he was getting a little sick of hearing about him constantly from Ashley "I'll catch you later."

"Ok bye Marco! Have a good holiday!" Ashley said hurrying down the steps excitedly.

"You too." Marco nodded with a smile heading back into the school, someone looked like they would have a good holiday anyway.

The corridors were emptying now and only a few students remained. Marco sat down on the stairs in the entrance hall and waited for Ellie. He sighed, it had been half an hour, maybe she'd already gone, he stood up to leave and decided to go check if she was in the IT rooms or the library before he gave up. He headed up the empty corridor towards the IT rooms. As he passed one of the Empty class rooms he heard a noise that sounded like a muffled sob. He paused and doubled back looking into the classroom to see who was crying. To his surprise he saw Ellie sat in the middle of the room. He opened the door softly.

Ellie pressed the blade into her wrist; she wished she didn't have to go home, back to her drunken mother and the otherwise empty house. She had debated catching Paige before she left and seeing if it would be possible for her to stay over for a bit of the holidays but she couldn't bring herself to do it, admitting she needed someone's help wasn't something she liked to do. She cut again just letting the feeling take over, these were her final moments of freedom she might as well feel free. The door of the room creaked as Ellie went to cut a third time. Her head shot up as she saw the familiar figure enter the room. She threw the blade to one side and pulled her arm warmer up realising her hands were covered in blood a minute too late.

"El?" Marco asked warily as he entered the room.

She pulled herself up using the table for support and glanced over at him. He saw her smudged make up and the tear stains on her face straight away but it took him a minute to notice the blood on her hands and the fact she was shaking.

"What's the matter? What's going on?" Marco asked going over to her and trying to take her hand. She shrugged him off picking up her bag.

"Nothing" She snapped heading towards the door. Marco watched slightly shocked as she left the room he signed and looked down at his feet it took a minute for his brain to register there was something shiny on the floor by his feet. He bent own and picked it up. It was a razor blade it caught the light as he stood up and examined it a sick feeling in his stomach hitting him as he realised it had blood on it. Ellie's blood? Marco put the razor in his pocket and hurried out the door after Ellie.

Ellie placed her bag on secluded the park bench hidden under the trees of the park, it was one of her favourite places to go sit and think. She started to dig through it impatiently looking for her blade she tipped out the contents before she realised with a jolt she had thrown it aside in the classroom.

"Damn" She muttered under her breath stuffing some of the items back into her bag irritably preparing to go back to home where at least she knew she could find a razor even if it did mean going back to her mother.

"Ellie?" Marco's voice came from behind her startling her causing her to knock her bag off the table and the contents to spill across the floor. Ellie immediately began scooping things up and throwing them back into her bag before shooting Marco a glare.

"What?" She asked angrily standing up and putting her bag back on the table

"What's this?" Marco asked angrily producing the Razor from his pocket

Ellie froze like a rabbit caught in a headlight. The colour drained from her face. He knew. He had her blade. She couldn't take it, her mind was whirling, her arm stung and she wished she could be anywhere but here.

"What's going on Ellie?" Marco asked he already had an idea, blood stained razorblades don't just fall out of the sky.

"Nothing is going on, ok!" Ellie yelled defensively standing up

He dropped the blade and grabbed her arm in a tight grasp, she tried to pull away but he wouldn't let go instead he used his other hand to remove the arm warmer from her arm before looking down at the damage she had done to herself. She kept trying to pull away but he held on tight.

"So this is nothing?" he asked his voice becoming a little softer looking at the scars on her arm and the bleeding cuts

"Yeah, it's nothing" She snapped back pulling her arm back

"El?" He asked her trying to look in her eyes but she was avoiding his gaze "It's obviously not nothing" Thoughts zoomed through his head, how could he have not noticed what Ellie was going though, why couldn't she have come to him and why was she cutting herself? Ellie didn't reply "Why?" He asked his voice hoarse tears brimming in his eyes.

"It makes everything else go away ok." She told him a hint of harshness in her voice.

"Everything else?" Marco asked Ellie looked away she wasn't about to start explaining her mothers drinking or her fathers absentness right now. "Oh Ellie…" Marco said sadly "Why couldn't you tell me?"

"Its not like I got round bragging that I cut myself" She snapped with a shrug

"How long has this been going on for?" He asked trying to get more from her.

"Awhile" She responded wondering how long his questioning would go on for.

"Is this why you were in Sauve's office?" Marco asked her

"Yes ok, it was. Paige told her what was going on when she caught me a few weeks ago" Ellie told him sharply "I don't see why I need to see her, I don't even have a problem"

"So this isn't a problem?" Marco said gesturing to her arm "Cutting yourself is a serious problem Ellie!"

"No it isn't" Ellie snapped looking over at him "I think I'd know if I had a problem."

"Ellie…" He said looking into her eyes Ellie glared at him.

"I've heard it before Marco, all this rubbish about it being a problem, but its not, its my way of living ok so leave me alone" She replied standing up and picking up her bag. Marco sighed.

"Let me walk you home" Marco told her as she turned to walk away

"No, you don't need to, I know my way" Ellie snapped tried to shrug him off

"Come on El" Marco tried again.

"Marco I need some time alone." Ellie told him

"So you can go cut yourself again?" Marco asked

"No so I can think" she replied irritably

He grabbed her shoulder and she visibly winced causing him to withdraw his hand quick in the fear he had hurt her.

"What's wrong?" Marco asked

"Nothing" Ellie shook it off

"What happened to your shoulder did you cut there too?" Marco asked

"No I didn't" Ellie snapped back "It's nothing"

"So why did you wince?" Marco asked curiously

"None of your business" Ellie replied sharply, he'd found out about her cutting he wasn't about to find out about her mother, not yet, not if she could help it.

"Let me see" Marco asked

"No" She replied taking off across the Park

"Ellie please tell me I want to help" He pleaded as she followed her

"I don't want to talk about it Marco, cant you see that?" Ellie yelled spinning on her heal to face him.

"I'm not going to give up Ellie, you're my best friend, you've always been there for me so it's about time I was there for you." Marco told her

"I'm sorry Marco but there's no reason for you to need to be there for me, not right now anyway." Ellie told him rolling her eyes

"But Ellie, Cutting... it's a problem, Can't I even…" Marco started

"I don't have a problem" She yelled as they reached the front of her house

"Ellie stop denying it!" Marco yelled back, a light to licked on inside the house and the front door flung open causing Ellie to jump and wince at the same time. Marco had never come over to her house before for the simple reason she didn't want him to see her mother.

"I Have to go" Ellie said as her mother wobbled on the door step grasping a bottle of Vodka in her palm. Marco looked up at the woman warily.

"Eleanor stop yelling this minute and get in here!" she yelled at Ellie who turned white

"Just a second mom" Ellie replied

"Ellie, is she drunk?" Marco asked in a low voice

"Just... Go Marco ok?" Ellie replied starting up towards her house, Marco watched as Ellie's mom pushed her into the house and slammed the door.

"In future don't make scenes on the front lawn in front of the neighbours!" He mother said angrily

"Sorry Mom" Ellie replied before her mom stepped into the living room slamming the door.

Ellie went into the kitchen and leant on the table, she took a deep breath and calmed herself down a little before taking off her bag and helping herself to a drink thinking about what had just happened. She slumped down at the table tiredly sipping on the drink when suddenly a loud crash echoed through from the living room. Ellie got up leaving her drink on the table and headed through to check on her mother. She opened the door cautiously and walked inside. Her mother was holding her head in her hands and the coffee table had been tipped over, empty bottles scattered across the floor.

"Mom are you ok?" Ellie asked going over to her side "Here let me…"

Her mom lashed out slapping her across the face. Ellie stepped back stunned.

"I can look after myself Eleanor, I'm the adult here" she muttered angrily Ellie backed away from her mother who was making her way to the door. She left the room and left Ellie stood in the middle off it her face white, hands shaking.

Ellie let the tears that were welling in her eyes over flow, She headed quickly out of the room and ran upstairs to her bedroom passing the bathroom where her mom was throwing up as usual. She dug out a blade from a box under her bed and rolled her arm warmer down. Pressing down hard digging the blade into her skin she let the warm red liquid dribble down her arm, her attention was draw to the cut and her mind was immediately taken off what had happened earlier in the night, the bruise forming on her cheek and her stupid drunken mother.

---

Ellie flicked through the channels looking for something decent to watch, finding only the usual daytime rubbish chose a random game show. Realising how cold she was getting she got up and dug through her wardrobe, picking out an old jumper she pulled it on and looked in the Mirror, she looked from the jumper to the purple bruise forming from the night before she fingers flitted over it and she winced as her door suddenly flung open and her mother entered her room. She turned her head at the unusual movement behind her. Her mom never came up to her room but then she was also looking pretty sober, she was able to stand up straight without holding the door, the stench of whiskey and sick wasn't hanging around her and she had changed her clothes. For some reason the older woman looked excited.

"Mom?" Ellie asked confused a little uncertain as to what she wanted

"Come on Eleanor, we need to put up decorations for when dad gets back" She said merrily

"Mom, Dads not coming back for the holidays…" Ellie said confused

"Of course he is, now come on Eleanor" Ellie's mom said coming into the room and taking her by the arm, pulling her out of the room despite her protests.

Once In the living room Ellie found herself in the midst of what looked like a Christmas decoration factory explosion. Obviously her mother had been shopping as several over flowing bags of new looking decorations were dotted around the room. Her mother started putting up the tree as Ellie watched her struggle raising an eyebrow and shaking her head at her mom's actions.

"Come on Eleanor" she said as the tree nearly fell over "help me"

"Ok Mom" Ellie said with sigh.

She had helped her mother put up the Christmas tree and the overly cheerful woman started to cover it with decorations while trying to persuade an un-amused Ellie to do the same. Once the tree was finally decorated as well as the room around it her mother retreated to the kitchen where Ellie found her five minutes later mixing up a mixture ready to shape into cookies. She shook her head and ventured back up to her room before her mother spotted her and forced her to join in with the cooking too.

---

Christmas was approaching and her mothers sober state, which had lasted like it always did when her father was due home, although he wasn't due home not yet, he had called the other day and confirmed the fact to Ellie that he defiantly wasn't coming back, though No matter how much Ellie tried to persuade her mom that he wasn't coming back she wouldn't listen. She hated to think how her mother would react when she realised she had been telling the truth and that her father wasn't returning home for the holidays after all.

There was a knock on the door, Ellie was lounging on the sofa which for once didn't have her drunken mother passed out on it, she wondered vaguely who would be calling round she pushed herself off the sofa and opened the door.

"Hey Marco" She said pushing on a fake smile as she saw him on the door step "What's up?" 

"I was wondering if you would come to the dot and the cinema with me…" Marco said in an almost pleading voice "I'm going with Craig and Ashley and I could so do with a normal person to talk to why they make out"

"I guess I could" Ellie shrugged Marcos questioning seemed much more enjoyable right now than the strangeness of her sober mother "Just let me check"

She popped her head round the door of the kitchen where her mom was baking again, raising an eyebrow at the site in front of her she shook of her confusion.

"Mom Can I go out with Marco, Ashley and Craig for the day?" she asked waiting for her mom to turn round and start yelling at her

"If you want to, be back before eight though" she told her Ellie left her mom to it and went back into the hallway.

"Let me get my boots" she told Marco who smiled.

She hurried upstairs and came back a minute later wearing her boots, she grabbed her coat and led Marco out of the house shutting the door firmly behind her.

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of them as they walked, what had happened a few nights ago still praying on both their minds. Marco was the first to break the silence.

"How are things going?" he asked nervously

"Fine" Ellie snapped back quickly and defensively

"What happened to your face?" He asked curiously she slapped her hand to her cheek, she had forgotten all about the bruise from a few nights ago

"I had a little disagreement with a door" Ellie shrugged "nothing major…"

"About the other night…" Marco started

"Can we not talk about it?" Ellie asked with a sigh Marco stopped and turned to face her.

"I just wanted to say, if you need me I'm here" Marco told her placing a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry I was such a bitch, it's just… It's personal, Everyone keeps saying I have a problem but I don't its just my way of getting by." She told him biting her lip nervously

"I'm not going to lie and say what you want to hear, you do have a problem Ellie, but if you chose to believe you don't, I will still be here for you" Marco told her "You know you can always come to me ok?"

"Thanks Marco" Ellie said pulling him into a hug before they began to walk again

"Just tell me, honestly, what is so bad that you have to do that to get though it?" Marco asked "If you tell me maybe I can help." 

"A lot of things Marco" Ellie told him with a sigh "I'm not sure I'm ready to share…" 

"Does it have something to do with your mom?" Marco guessed remembering the woman when they had been arguing in front of Ellie's house, she had been holding a vodka bottle when she opened the door and she had pushed Ellie into her house so roughly... Ellie bit her lip, could she tell him?

"Yeah" she said not believing she had just admitted it to Marco "She's going though a rough time with dad gone, she's an alcoholic, he's the only thing that keeps her of the drink so with him gone she's usually drunk." Marco nodded appreciatively

"Well if everything at home is ever getting on top of you, remember you can always call me or whatever ok?" Marco told her and she nodded

"Thanks" She said simply as they reached the dot "She's sober at the moment" she added "she's convinced herself my dads coming back for the holidays but he isn't, she's going to be so disappointed when he doesn't come back" Ellie bit her lip

"Well at least she's sober" Marco nodded "perhaps you should enjoy it while it lasts?"

"Yeah" Ellie sighed

"Anyway Lets got meet the love birds" Marco winked making Ellie smile, she was glad she had told him, she didn't like sharing her secrets and she would never tell him about the times her mom had been angry when she had been drunk and hit her or pushed her around but just getting the fact she was an alcoholic out of her system felt like a weight off her shoulders.

Ellie ordered a chocolate milkshake while Marco ordered a cappuccino and they took seats at a table waiting for Ashley and Craig who arrived shortly after hand in hand. The all sat around drinking and chatting, Ellie took a sip of her drink, looking up she rolled her eyes as Ashley and Craig started kissing. Marco Coughed loudly.

"If I could interrupt the lovebirds" he said in a loud voice before softening it once he had attracted their attention "Are we going to see that movie or what?"

"Oh yeah" Ashley blushed as Ellie shook her head.

"Come on Marco, we better leave these two to go get a room" Ellie smirked putting the empty glass down and standing up

"Wait we're coming to see the movie." Ashley said standing up too and Craig followed her lead a slightly wonky smile crossing his face. Ellie shook her head and led the way out of the dot and they began the walk over to the cinema.

"Why couldn't we have gone to see the horror movie?" Ellie complained as they took their seats in the dark screen "I hate girly films"

"Because I don't have Dylan to hide behind" Marco informed her "and girly films rock" Ellie raised an eye brow

"Aww, Scared of the nasty horror films Del Rossi?" Ellie asked teasingly

"Yes" Marco said sticking out his tongue Ellie shook her head and settled back into her seat munching contentedly on her popcorn.

---

"Ergh it looks like she's suction cupped to his face" Ellie whispered halfway through the movie to Marco gesturing to Ashley and pulling such a face that he burst out laughing spraying his mouthful of coke all over the seat in front of him, which luckily no one was sitting in.

"Ellie!" He said hitting her playfully on her shoulder she winced "Oh sorry, I forgot…" He apologised

"Don't worry" Ellie shrugged it off falling silent.

The movie finished and Ellie and Marco split up from Ashley and Craig who were heading towards Craig's where they said they were going to practice their performance for the next day.

"Are you coming to the holiday show tomorrow?" Marco asked as they walked back after the cinema.

"Of course, Ash is forcing me…" Ellie rolled her eyes

"Ah" Marco nodded "Figures, Craig and the show that's all she talks about lately"

"Tell me about it" Ellie said as they reached the children's play park section of the park. "I should get going Mom's expecting me back"

"Ok El look after yourself" Marco said giving her a hug before she headed off in the opposite direction. Ellie breathed a sigh of relief as she walked out the Park onto the sidewalk and slowly and unwillingly headed back to her house where her mother would probably we waiting with some chore or other that needed doing before her dad 'came home'.

---

The next day Ellie's door bell rung at six making her jump. She put her eyeliner down and headed to the top of the stairs where she caught a few words of the conversation downstairs.

"Hi Mrs Nash is Ellie around?" Marco's familiar voice drifted upstairs from the hallway

"She's up in her room, Just a second" her mom's voice replied

"No need Mom I'm here" Ellie said coming down the stairs "Hey Marco why are you here?"

"Thought you might want to catch a lift with us to the show" Marco shrugged gesturing to the open front door and Dylan's car why was parked on the drive way. "I tried to call but your Cell was off and the line was busy"

"Oh" Ellie nodded knowing her mom had been on the phone to her dad earlier on "Sure just let me get my bag"

"Ok" Marco nodded "I'll be in the car"

Ellie hurried back up stairs she picked up her bag and as she was about to leave she changed her mind and pulled her CD case out of her school bag and slipped it in just in case. she hurried downstairs and grabbed her coat of the hook.

"I want you back by nine!" Her mom's voice called after her as the door shut.

Ellie climbed into the back seat of Dylan's car with Paige who offered her a smile which she returned as she did up her seat belt. They arrived at the front gates in no time at all. Paige and Ellie got out of the car at the steps at the front of school while Marco and Dylan parked the car.

"How are you?" Paige asked as they entered the building together

"Fine" Ellie nodded "How are your holidays going?"

"Good, Spin is being a jerk though he wont tell me what he's got me for Christmas and I'm starting to worry it has something to do with spray cheese" Paige a hint of annoyance in her voice Ellie laughed

"Well I hope he's got you something better than that" Ellie smiled

"What happened to your face?" Paige asked suddenly spotting the bruise on Ellie's cheek which had now faded quite a lot.

"Disagreement with a door" Ellie said emotionlessly as her face grew red "Should we go and save Marco and Dylan seats?" she asked trying to avoid the conversation going any further

"Sure" Paige said leading them though the empty halls before suddenly blurting out "Your mom did it didn't she?"

"I'm not talking about this" Ellie said walking faster

"Your still cutting too aren't you?" Paige asked catching up

"Paige I don't want to talk about this, not now" Ellie said sharply turning down the corridor towards the gym where she was relived for the first time in awhile to see Ashley.

"Hey Ash" Ellie said leaving Paige behind

"Oh Hi El" Ashley said sounding distracted

"Ready for your performance Hun?" Paige asked joining Ellie

"Oh yeah the performance, I should go… get ready to go on" Ashley said still sounding distracted before hurrying off leaving Ellie with Paige again, though thankfully Ashley's odd behaviour was Paige's new topic of conversation.

"I wonder what's with her" Paige said as they entered the gym

"Nerves probably" Ellie suggested with a shrug following Paige towards four seats towards the front. Marco and Dylan joined them Marco looking rather red; Ellie sent him a questioning look which made him blush even more. Ellie shook her head with a small smile as the performance started.

Ellie didn't have a particular interest in any of the performance apart from Ashley's song so she sat though the first half waiting for her friend to appear on the stage wiggling her foot impatiently. About halfway through it was Ashley and Craig's turn they came in and took their seats, Ellie un crossed her legs and lent forward a little as Craig started playing his guitar and began singing though he soon stopped as he turned to look at Ashley who must have supposed to have been singing too.

"Has she got stage fright or something?" Paige whispered in Ellie's ear Ellie shrugged and looked back at Ashley who suddenly stood up and slapped Craig before running out of the hall. He paused for a moment before following her.

"Have I Missed something?" Ellie asked confused "She was all over him yesterday"

"Looks like there's Trouble in paradise" Paige commented as both Marco and Ellie nodded in agreement

After the performance Ashley was nowhere to be found, Marco, Ellie and Paige did however bump into Craig who was sat in the corridor holding his head in his hands.

"Where's Ash?" Ellie asked him

"I Have no idea where she is" Craig said looking up

"What've you done this time?" Paige asked placing her hands on her hips, Ellie had to admire her up fronted-ness Ellie would have skipped around the subject much more before bringing it up.

"I…I don't think that's any of you've business." Craig said a hint of anger in his voice

"Yes it is because we're her friends" Ellie said stepping up to Paige's side

"What did you do?" Marco repeated Paige's earlier question.

"I cheated on her, with Manny" Craig said sound ashamed

"Santos?" Paige asked her jaw dropping "That slut?"

"She's not a slut" Craig argued

"Nice going" Ellie said rolling her eyes

They left Craig and found Dylan who had been talking to some of his classmates.

"Come on Dylan, are you ready to go yet?" Paige asked him tapping him on the shoulder

"Yep, come on lets go" Dylan nodded "Bye guys" he added to his friends "Found out what happened to Ashley?"

"Craig cheated on her" Paige told him "With Manny of all people"

"Ah" Dylan said with a nod

Dylan drove them home he dropped of Ellie first, she said bye to the three of them before climbing out of the chair and heading up to the door which opened in front of her.

"I said be back by nine" Her mom said angrily

"Its five past mom" Ellie replied "anyway there was some drama at the show"

"But I said nine, your grounded for the rest of the holidays" Her mom said irritably

"But mom!" Ellie said her mouth dropping

"Come in get inside" Ellie's mom said stepping out of her way

Ellie rolled her eyes, she wished for a moment her mom was still drunk because then she wouldn't have gotten grounded or if she did get grounded her mom would have forgot about it by the next day after a few drinks, Ellie know there was no chance of that happening to night though.

"Sorry mom" Ellie sighed rolling her eyes

"You better behave yourself when your dad gets back" her mom added simply before heading into the kitchen and beginning to clean the work surfaces. Ellie put her bag down on the stairs and sat down next to hit picking up the phone and Dialling Ashley's number.

"Hello Kerwin-Issacs Residence" The familiar voice of Ashley's mom said after a few rings

"Hi Mrs Kerwin is Ashley around?" Ellie asked

"She'd in her room but I'm not sure she's in the mood to talk, I presume you were at the performance?" Ashley's mom asked Ellie

"Yeah I was just calling to see if she's ok" Ellie told her playing with the phone cord

"We'll I'll go and get her she could use a friend right now" Mrs Kerwin replied "Hold on"

Ellie waited and soon enough she heard Ashley's familiar voice on the other end.

"Hi Ellie" Ashley said dully

"Hey Ash" Ellie said hoping her voice sounded sympathetic "Are you alright" 

"Not really" Ashley replied

"Craig told us basically what happened" Ellie said hoping to open up the subject a bit more

"What how he cheated on me with that stupid grade 9 slut by dating us both at the same time?" Ashley said her voice bitter

"Yeah" Ellie replied

"I can't believe him, he's such a bastard" Ashley said angrily

"He defiantly is" Ellie agreed and suddenly found herself in the middle of one of Ashley's famous rants as her mother came into the Hallway and made a motion across her neck suggesting Ellie better hang up or she would be in trouble.

"Ash, I'm so sorry about this but I have to go" Ellie said actually feeling slightly relieved at her mothers sudden arrival in the hallway

"Oh ok, bye" Ashley responded dully

"Bye" Ellie replied before hanging the phone up

"Did I say you could use the phone?" Her mom asked as she hung up

"Er no…" Ellie said confused, since when did she have to ask permission to ring someone.

"Well maybe you should ask in future it does costs money you know" her mom told her

"Sorry mom" Ellie said raising an eyebrow at this sudden change to responsibility in her mother, for once she sounded like a mother rather than a child.

"Next time ask" her mother replied before disappearing into the kitchen. Ellie picked up her bag and headed upstairs to her room. Life sure got confusing when her mom was sober.

A/n Thanks to xobabigrl617 for reviewing again


	5. December is for Cynics

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or December is for cynics by The Matches

Scars

Chapter 4: December is for Cynics 

_Black frames to stare out  
Mod lang slang to wear out  
Scoff at squares in sweaters  
Ho, Ho, Ho, we're so much better_

Used is the new black  
Downloads are the new crack  
Mocking carols that we hate  
Damn, it's easy being great

So to hell with Holiday romantics  
December is for cynics  
December is for critics  
Let's get high on art supplies and hibernate  
December is for cynics  
Damn, it's too easy being great

I brought you a bottle of wine full  
Of flowers and this vinyl  
I know we both made it clear  
No stupid presents this year

Christmas was drawing nearer; Ellie's mom's mood was growing cheerier if it was possible. However Ellie was still grounded, it appeared the sober version of her mom actually had a pretty good memory. Ellie had rung Marco, who informed her he had visited Ashley who had now resorted to moping in her room permanently and wouldn't even get out of bed when he arrived, He also tried to invite her to Dylan and Paige's new years party but Ellie had to say no because she was grounded not that it was her scene anyway.

An irritated Ellie was dragged into wrapping presents late in the day on Christmas Eve with her cheery mother. She added the last piece of tape to a Christmas present to her father before putting it under the tree and sighing sadly as she looked at the pile of presents they had wrapped for her father who wasn't even going to be there to open them. She glanced at her mother who was immersed in a midnight mass program on television drinking a glass of orange juice. She couldn't really bare to hang around her much longer and the television was driving her insane so she left the room and headed to her bedroom, changing quickly into her Pyjama's before climbing into bed, not looking forwards to the day ahead.

---

"Merry Christmas Eleanor!" Her mother said cheerfully bursting into her room the next morning; Ellie looked up groggily at her mother who had put on a red shirt with glittery attachments in honour of the occasion, the wrinkled her nose in distaste at both the shirt and her mothers cheerful mood.

"Happy Christmas Mom" Ellie replied dully sitting up

"Hurry up and get dressed your fathers going to be back soon" She said before leaving the room. Ellie glanced at her clock which said it was eight o'clock. She yawned before dragging herself out of bed knowing this was going to be a long day.

"What are you wearing?" Ellie's mom said as Ellie entered the living room in one of her usual outfits, black skirt and black tops and arm warmers, the only thing missing were her black boots.

"My clothes" Ellie said raising an eyebrow

"Go and put on something more cheerful!" her mom told her angrily

"But mom!" Ellie replied irritably

"Now, your father doesn't want to come home to that" her mom said checking her hair in the mirror "Its Christmas Eleanor make an effort"

Ellie rolled her eyes and left the room, she took her time getting changed and eventually returned an hour later her tartan skirt and two toned hoody.

"Better?" she asked entering the living room

"I suppose" her mother said wrinkling her nose "Why can't you dress like normal girls"

"Because I don't want to" Ellie replied emotionlessly digging her finger nails into her palm in a feeble attempt to calm the part of her that just wanted to scream, she hated when her mother complained about her clothing but she wasn't going to become some type of model girl just because her mother wanted her too.

"Why don't we open some presents while we wait for your dad?" her mother suggested

"Sure" Ellie shrugged going over to the tree and picking out her present for her mother

"Happy Christmas Mom" she said handing it over and watching as her mother opened it

"Its lovely Eleanor" she said pulling out the gold necklace with a pink stone embedded into it. "Thank you"

Ellie shrugged she had picked the present up on a whim that her mother would still be sober enough to appreciate it. She found herself being passed presents from her mother. Some of which were five new tops, mostly in light colours to Ellie's disgust, with the exception of once which was a nice black top with silver decorations on it which Ellie found herself thinking would look ok with arm warmers and a fish net top underneath, There was also a pair of dark coloured Jeans which Ellie figured she could always wear while hanging around the house. She then opened a new personal CD player and an envelope with twenty dollars in.

"I didn't know what Else you would like" Her mom told her as she pocketed the envelope

"Thanks mom" Ellie nodded letting a small smile cross her face

"Right we just have to wait for your father for lunch so why don't you take your presents upstairs and perhaps play some CDs' other something" Her mom suggested

"Can't we have lunch and then…" Ellie started her stomach was rumbling and she was defiantly ready for lunch.

"No we're waiting for your father, he'll have had a long trip and he'll want a decent meal" her mom told her sharply "go find something to do until he gets here Eleanor"

Ellie sighed and left the room carrying her presents. She dumped the new clothes in her wardrobe before picking up the CD player and finding a CD from her collection to listen too. An hour passed, Ellie swapped from listening to music to watching Christmas television, another hour passed and there was still no sign of her father, Ellie's stomach rumbled loudly distracting her from the Christmas movie she was watching. She decided to go downstairs and fix herself a sandwich but before she got to the kitchen she heard sobbing from the living room, Ellie knew what this must mean, her mom had realised her dad wasn't coming back.

"Mom?" Ellie asked pushing the door open looking into the room the tree had been tipped over and her mom was sat on the sofa five bottles of alcohol in front of her.

"He didn't come back" she told Ellie Her voice rough and shaky, she lent over and picked up a bottle of vodka

"I know, he will be back someday soon" Ellie said sitting beside her and putting an arm round her as she drank down some of the clear liquid.

Her mother was sobbing now, shaking as she brought the bottle to her lips again. She downed the lot this time putting it down ad picking up the whiskey.

"Mom slow down" Ellie said trying to wrestle the bottle off her but gave up and let her drink from it again.

"He doesn't love me" she sobbed after downing the whiskey

"He does mom he's just doing his job" Ellie sighed "He will be back soon"

"Leave me alone Eleanor your lies wont fix this." she told her picking up a third bottle

Ellie stood up her eyes full of tears leaving the room she climbed the stairs and locked herself in the bathroom pulling out her razor. She made one cut, two cuts, three cuts and was going for a forth when she head a huge bang from downstairs which made her jump, the razor slipped and cut deeper than Ellie was expecting she pressed a towel to her arm to stem the blood flow which took much longer than usual to stop she glanced at her arm noticing the cut was gaping open and kept filling up with blood. She was feeling a little light headed now but she knew she needed to go check her mom was ok after that loud bang. She wrapped a bandage tightly round the cuts to stem the blood flow she stashed her razor away in the medicine cabinet and hid the towel in her room before heading downstairs. The minute she pushed open the living room door she knew there was something wrong.

"Mom?" Ellie asked worriedly, her mother was lying on the floor next to the broken table, broken glass lying around her, it was a minute before Ellie noticed she was lying in a pool of her own vomit too, with blood on the back of the head.

Ellie turned her mother over and pressed her fingers too her wrist to find her pulse, she realised her mother was barely breathing. Not knowing what else to do as her mother had never been this bad before she ran into the hallway and called 911.

"Hello 911 what service do you need?" a woman's voice said down the phone

"Ambulance" Ellie said hurriedly

"Ok hold on sweetie I'll put you right through" The lady told her. Almost immediately another voice came from the phone of a slightly older sounding woman

"Hello Ambulance service how can I help you?" The woman asked

"I need an ambulance my Mom's passed out, I think she drunk too much and she's hit her head, there's blood. She's unconscious" Ellie told the woman

"Where are you?" The lady asked

"22 Maple drive" Ellie said breathlessly

"Ok, we're sending an ambulance right away stay with your mother ok until it arrives make sure she's not in an danger of choking and if she waked up try and keep her still ok?" the woman told her

"Ok Thank you" Ellie replied before hanging up the phone and hurrying back to her mothers side.

The Ambulance arrived within minutes, Ellie saw the flashing lights though the window. She headed to the front door and let the paramedics in, she showed them to her mother and watched from a distance as they assessed her and put her on a spinal board.

"Do you know how much she drank?" The lady paramedic asked as they stepped out of the house and Ellie locked the door.

"Erm I think probably at least five bottles of alcohol" Ellie said remember the five bottles on the table earlier

"Mixed?" the lady asked placing a hand on Ellie's shoulder

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I Think she must have fallen off the sofa and probably hit the table on the way down"

"That would make sense" the Paramedic agreed "You can get in the back with me" she told Ellie as they reached the ambulance.

Ellie climbed in silently next to her mother, her face was white and she had breathing equipment on to help her breath. She watched the rhythmic rise and fall of her mom's chest as they drove to the hospital. In Ellie's opinion it was longest journey of her life. Once they arrived she was led through to a waiting room while the doctors took care of her mom. she pulled her knees up to her chest and sat in silence worrying about whether she was ok or not. An hour passed before a Doctor entered the room.

"Are you Eleanor Nash?" He asked her

"Yes" Ellie nodded putting her legs back down to the floor

"Your mom's going to be fine, the wound on the back of her head is nothing to worry about she hasn't lost too much blood and the scans reveal no damage to her brain, we're expecting her to wake up any time soon" The doctor told her "You can come and see her now"

"Ok" Ellie nodded standing up and following the doctor to her mother's room.

Her mother was laying still, her breathing slow and steady and the heart monitor beeping in a rhythm. Ellie took the seat next to her watching her for awhile before she felt exhausted she dosed of in the chair and managed to have a little bit of un-restful sleep in the uncomfortable position she was sat in, she had just fallen into a deeper sleep at about seven in the morning when she was woken by coughing.

"Mom?" Ellie asked sitting up and looked over at her she was stirring.

"Where am I?" she said her voice hoarse

"In hospital Mom" Ellie told her as she opened her eyes.

"Hospital?" She asked sitting up a bit

"You We're unconscious" Ellie told her

"I'd have woken up" Her mom said viciously opening an eye and glaring at her

"Mom…" Ellie said worry in her voice

"Eleanor why on earth did you bring me here?" She asked a hint of anger in her tired voice

"Because you were barely breathing" Ellie replied angrily

"I don't need to be here, I had a few too many drinks, its Christmas" Mrs Nash said irritably

Ellie sighed and stood up going to the door.

"Where are you going?" her mom asked

"To see if there's a doctor around so they know you've woken up" Ellie told her irritably before heading out of the room.

She eventually found a nurse who got the doctor who was seeing to her mom and brought him to her room, after a quick check over and Ellie's mom explaining she had had a few too many Christmas drinks and felt fine, they were left alone again while the doctors organised her some pain killers and arranged for her to be discharged.

"Mrs Nash, your taxi's here" A Nurse said popping her head into the room an hour later

"Oh good, thank you" Ellie's mom replied getting off the bed and smoothing the shirt she had been provided with. Ellie followed her tiredly to the taxi.

Ellie signed watching the world pass as they drove, 'Merry Christmas Ellie Nash' she thought to herself bitterly.

Once they arrived back home Ellie stepped into the house after her mother who immediately retreated to the living room and opened a bottle of vodka. Biting her lip and pushing the urge to scream at her to the back of her head she headed up stairs, collapsing on her bed tiredly. Even though her mind was working over time from the trip to the hospital she fell asleep almost immediately exhaustion taking over, However She didn't manage to stay asleep long, four hours later she was woken by the phone which kept ringing and ringing. She slipped out of bed and stumbled tiredly downstairs to pick it up.

"Nash… Residence" Ellie yawned blinking the sleep out of her eyes

"Ellie!" Marco's cheerful voice said from the other end of the phone

"Oh hey Marco" Ellie tiredly

"You sound tired" He commented

"Well yeah I didn't exactly get much sleep last night" Ellie replied resting her head on the wall

"Oh, well I tried to ring you last night but there was no answer" he told her

"I wasn't here" Ellie told him skipping round the subject

"I thought you were grounded?" Marco commented slightly confused

"I was, well I am" Ellie replied with a sigh

"So where were you?" Marco asked confused

"Well, I Erm was in hospital" Ellie told him twiddling the phone cord nervously she didn't want to tell him about her mother but knowing him and how persuasive he was it would come out eventually

"Oh my god what happened El?" he asked worriedly

"Mom got herself a little bit too drunk and I found her unconscious in the living room" Ellie told him "But she's fine now, especially now she's got a bottle of vodka in her hand again" she added bitterly

"Oh god El, do you want to come over for a bit a take your mind off it?" He suggested

"I can't after that, I want to keep an eye on her" Ellie replied looking into the living room and wrinkling her nose in disgust at the woman slump on the couch with a glass of whiskey in hand.

"I could come over" Marco suggested

"No" Ellie told him quickly she didn't want him to see her mom "No, don't bother I think I'll just get some sleep" she added

"We should meet up soon I feel like I haven't seen you in ages" Marco commented

"Well I have been grounded" Ellie reminded him

"Oh yeah, are you still grounded?" He asked her

"No, I Don't think so, she's not sober anymore, therefore even if I was grounded she won't even notice I'm gone" Ellie replied with a shrug

"Does that mean you can come to Dylan's Party on Friday?" Marco asked hopefully

"Oh yeah, I guess I could" Ellie replied hesitantly realising her New Years Eve was probably going to be spent cleaning up after her mom if she didn't go to Dylan's Party so the party defiantly sounded like the better option.

"Great!" Marco replied happily "I'm guessing that your mom took your dad not coming back badly then if she drank herself into such a state"

"You could say that" Ellie sighed "anyway I think I'm going to go back to bed" she told him not really wanting to talk about her mom any more.

"Ok Els, I'll talk to you soon" Marco replied softly

"Ok, Bye Marco" Ellie replied hanging up the phone quickly.

Realising she was more awake than she thought Ellie decided her time would be bet spent tidying up the downstairs rooms and removing the Christmas decorations. She moved quietly around her mother who was snoring loudly on the cream sofa she placed the decorations neatly in their boxes before putting the plastic Christmas tree back in is box. Memories of the year before flooded her mind as she packed the decorations away, Her dad hadn't been away, he had helped Ellie put up the old plastic Christmas tree while her mom had made her Christmas cookies, they had spent Christmas day together as a family. She hated that he couldn't be there, Christmas wasn't Christmas without him.

---

Snowflakes fluttered down outside Ellie's bedroom window as she dug through her wardrobe looking for something to wear for Dylan's new years Party, It would be the first time she had left the house since her mothers trip to the hospital earlier in the week and after spending most of the week hanging around in her Pyjamas not really bothering to get dressed, she really felt like making a bit more of an effort tonight. She pulled out her favourite black skirt but then changed her mind and pulled out her Green Combat skirt instead, she proceeded to dig out a long sleeved black top with a mesh layer and red stitching and to complete the outfit her black arm warmers with white skulls. She plaited her hair into two plaits and was applying her eye make up when the door bell rang.

"Eleanor! Get the door!" Her mom yelled drunkenly from the living room. Ellie rolled her eyes as she heard clinking from below her. Putting down the eyeliner she picked up her bag and headed downstairs grabbing her coat on the way she opened the door and gave Marco, who was standing on the door step, a small smile.

"Ready?" He asked her as she shut the door behind her

"Yeah" she nodded pulling her coat on and throwing the bag over her shoulder.

Ellie pulled the door shut behind her and they walked towards Dylan and Paige's house where the party was to be held, Marco telling Ellie what she had missed out on whilst she had been grounded as they walked, Ellie not quite paying him the amount of attention she should have. It didn't take them long to arrive on the door step, loud dance music was echoing from the house in front of them, Ellie knocked on the door and they were greeted by a obviously drunk Spinner who was slurring his words as he invited them in.

Marco squeezed her shoulder before heading off to find Dylan, Ellie watching him go and wrinkled her nose at the teens around her sipping on drinks, making out with random others and dancing cheerfully. She helped herself to a can of diet coke and took a seat on a stool in a dark corner out of the way sipping on her drink and watching the people in the room.

"Aren't you going to come join in?" Paige asked Ellie coming up next to her offering her a cup of some fowl smelling alcoholic liquid.

"No thanks" Ellie replied pushing the cup away.

"Are you ok?" Paige asked a little concerned taking a stool next to her

"Fine, I don't drink" Ellie said taking a sip of her can of coke instead

"Oh ok" Paige said then paused before offering her the cup again "not even at new year?"

"Not ever, I'm not becoming some lazy, slob who spends their days passed out on a sofa, not being able to survive without a drink." Ellie said a hint of anger and bitterness in her voice

Paige nodded wondering for a minute why Ellie had such a dislike for alcohol, she remembered the red head turning up on her door step a few weeks ago, maybe her mom being drunk was more of a regular occurrence than Paige had first thought. Paige shrugged off the thought and shot the red head a concerned look.

"Are you sure you're ok?" she asked breaking the silence between the two "You haven't been around much lately, Marco said you were grounded or something…"

"I was and I'm fine" Ellie said standing up "It's just been a long holiday" she added before sliding away into the crowd. Paige watched her leave before headed back over to Spinner removing the can of spray cheese he was holding to his mouth from his hand before he could spray it.

"If you want a kiss at Midnight you will defiantly not be touching that stuff" Paige told him putting the spray cheese in the bin and rolling her eyes.

---

Ellie looked around the party for someone to talk too, Marco was with Dylan, and even Ellie had to admit they were a cute couple, deep down she knew she still had feelings for Marco. She couldn't help but feel slightly jealous towards Dylan for being able to be with Marco when she couldn't, but she pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind if Marco was Happy, she was Happy for him. Ashley appeared to have not turned up for the party as Ellie saw no sign of her anywhere, she guessed she was still hooked up over Craig.

Not being able to spot anyone who she felt like talking to, Ellie slipped away quietly up the stairs towards the familiar bathroom from a few weeks before. Locking the door she sat on the edge of the bath taking a minute to herself to think, she opened her bag and dug out her razor, rolling down her sleeve she made a few new cuts, until she heard everyone start to count down to the beginning of the new year. She put the blade away and cleaned up her arm as she listened to them.

"5…4…3…2…1… Happy New Year!" She heard the television which was playing the count down yelled out, someone turned up some loud music as the sounds of everyone congratulating each other filtered up to her ears, she let out a small sigh wondering to herself if this year would be any better than the last. She flushed the loo and waited for a minute before leaving the bathroom and re-entering the party, as she did she found herself being jumped on by a cheery Marco.

"Happy New Year Els!" He smiled happily

"Happy New Year Marco" Ellie replied returning the hug half heartedly.

"Come on, come dance with me" Marco said leading her into the crowd of dancing teens

"Marco, I don't dance…" Ellie started

"You do now" He told her forcing her into a rather awkward dance.

Ellie laughed as Marco finally led her out of the crowd of dancing people after while they finished dancing and she helped herself to a drink and joined Marco talking to Paige, Jimmy and Hazel.

"Having a good time Ellie?" Paige asked as she joined them

"Yeah" Ellie nodded half lying because until Marco had started dancing with her she had wished she had been anywhere but here. The cuts on her arm stung reminding her of that fact, but dancing had been fun. "Did you invite Ashley?"

"Yeah, but she's too hooked up over Craig, I tried to force her out earlier but she wouldn't even move from her bed" Paige said wrinkling her nose "She needs to brighten up a bit, according to her Mom she hasn't left the house since the Show"

"Is she coming back for school?" Marco asked helping himself to some snacks from the table they were stood next too

"Maybe if she removes herself from the tomb of a room" Paige said referring to Ashley's dark and gloomy room.

"She's quite the Drama Queen" Hazel added

Ellie nodded in agreement, even if Ashley was her best friend she had to agree that being dumped wasn't the end of the world.

"I think I might head off" Ellie said checking her watch "I have to… Get back as earlier as possible" she said stumbling on her reason, not wanting to admit to everyone she needed to go check on her mom.

"I'll walked you" Marco offered

"No Marco I'll be ok, you stay here and have fun with Dylan" Ellie told him with a small smile "I'll be fine"

"You sure?" Marco asked "You don't want some company, After what happened last week?"

"What happened last week?" Paige asked nosily

"Nothing" Ellie replied shooting Marco a small glare "I'll be fine, It'll be fine I'm capable of walking myself home Marco, don't worry"

"Ok Els" Marco replied pulling her into a hug

"Bye Ellie" Jimmy nodded, while Hazel gave her a small wave.

Ellie started to leave and realised Paige was following her.

"Yes?" Ellie asked a little sharply turning to face the blonde

"What did Marco really mean about last week?" Paige asked her

"Nothing, as I said." Ellie replied "I need to get back."

"Well, you know I'm here if you want to talk." Paige said pulling her into a quick awkward hug. "Take care" she added before disappearing back into the crowd. Ellie sighed at her friends retreating back, at least Paige knew when to stop asking questions.

She left the party and pushed her hands into her pocked as she walked down the snowy sidewalk through the park and back down towards her house. She was relieved to find her Mom sitting up quite alert sipping on a glass of what appeared to be Martini, it was possibly the first time Ellie was relieved to see her with a glass of alcohol in hand, she had been worried she might have had another drinking binge because of the new year, though the chances were she didn't even know what day it was anyway. Tiredly Ellie set to tiding up after her before she headed off to bed.

---

Ellie kicked at the dirt beneath her feet before she heard foot steps approaching she smiled a little as she spotted Marco approaching.

"One chocolate milkshake express from the Dot" Marco said passing Ellie a cup with the Dot's logo on it and a straw before taking the swing next to her.

"Thanks" Ellie nodded poking the straw into the cup and beginning to drink.

"Looking forwards to school tomorrow?" Marco asked as he swayed slightly on the swing.

"Sort of and sort of not" Ellie shrugged watching him sip on his Cappuccino.

"Wonder if Ash will turn up" Marco wondered out loud

"If she's as bad as Paige says she is then even if she does she's not going to be in a good mood, I reckon she should go and see Sauve, save me having the pleasure" Ellie shrugged

"Oh yeah, How often to do have to see Sauve anyway?" Marco asked curiously

"Once a week" Ellie said wishing she had never mentioned the woman

"Sounds fun…" Marco nodded

"Yep half an hour of her writing notes on every word that comes out of my mouth." Ellie said sarcastically taking another sip on her milkshake. "It's the most fun I've ever had in my life"

"You should talk to her properly El, She'll be able to help you better if you do" Marco said looking over at her a hint of sadness in his eyes, Ellie knew he wanted her to admit she had a problem to the woman, something she wouldn't do, ever. "I want you to get better, you're just not the same Ellie I used to know at the moment"

Ellie's heart skipped she didn't want to hurt Marco but she didn't think she had a problem. She kicked at the ground hard digging the toe of her heavy boots into the ground.

"Look Can we not talk about this anymore?" she snapped slightly and Marco nodded throwing his empty cup at the bin missing it completely causing Ellie laugh as he got up to put it in the bin properly.

"You'll never be a Jock Del Studly" She laughed as he rolled his eyes

"So? You'll never wear baby pink, Miss Vampire" Marco said sticking his tongue out

"I Don't want to wear Baby Pink" Ellie said pulling a disgusted face

"Well I don't particularly want to be a Jock either thanks" Marco said taking his seat again "I've got my own Jock all to myself anyways" he added with a wink

"Good Point" Ellie Laughed "and I don't think he'd be very amused if Del Studly began flaunting his Studly ways again would he?"

"No I Don't think he would" Marco smiled with a wink Ellie shook her head and turned her attention Back to her Milkshake draining the cup and throwing it neatly into the bin.

"Show off" Marco muttered rolling his eyes as Ellie laughed and poked her tongue out at him.

A/n Thanks once again to xobabigrl617 for reviewing.


	6. Fine Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Fine again by Seether. 

Scars 

Chapter 5: Fine Again 

_It seems like every day's the same  
and I'm left to discover on my own  
It seems like everything is grey  
and there's no colour to behold  
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah  
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here_

Monday morning arrived and the holidays were over. Ellie lay in bed awake; her alarm clock beeped suggesting she should get up. Irritably she rolled over and turned it off. She got herself ready before poking her head into the living room to check on her mother, coughing on the stale cigarette smoke she decided it would be best to do a quick clean up before school as the bottles were already beginning to mount up on the table and the floor. Quietly as to not wake her mother up she carried an armful of empty bottles to the bin in the kitchen where she deposited them disgustedly before returning to the living room and picking up a bottle half full of vodka wrinkling her nose she quickly emptied down it down the sink before filling it with water and retuning it to the table.

Once her mother was sorted and the house was tidier Ellie headed quickly out the house and walked briskly towards Degrassi. She arrived a little early and headed through the familiar halls towards homeroom. She slipped into the classroom a few minutes before the bell went and headed to her usual seat between Marco and a Very miserable looking Ashley.

"El!" Marco smiled jumping up and wrapping her in a hug as she attempted to sit down

"Hey Marco" Ellie replied with a forced smile before turning Ashley who was sat at her usual computer looking pretty rough "Hey Ash, How are you?"

"Hey" she replied dully "I'm alive" Elle and Marco shared a look and Ellie took her seat wondering what to say to the girl, Luckily Mr Simpson's arrival saved Ellie from having to make conversation with Ashley instead she nodded to her friend and began to unpack her bag as he began to take the register.

---

By lunch time Ashley was no where to be seen Ellie looked around the dining hall and spotted Paige and a few others sat together she headed down to the table and took the Seat next to Paige. She soon discovered the group were discussing the Craig – Manny – Ashley Triangle.

"Hey hun" Paige offered breaking their conversation as Ellie sat down "Have you see Ashley?"

"Not since English" Ellie replied shaking her head "I Think she might have gone home"

"I can't believe she's being so dreary over a break up" Paige said rolling her eyes

"I always knew Manny was a Slut" Hazel added picking at her salad

"She's defiantly changed this year, I think she took what I told her about her image a bit too much to heart" Paige commented spreading some butter on her bread.

"Thinking about it I saw Manny and Craig together at the end of last year" Hazel said thoughtfully "How long did it go on for?"

"Months I Reckon" Paige said "That little slut couldn't..." she stopped mid sentence as Craig took a seat next to Jimmy. The Table fell silent all four of them watching Craig who had simply tucked into his food.

"What?" He asked looking up

"Nothing Hun" Paige replied "Anyway I'm hoping the Spirit Squad will finally get the moves down to the latest cheer at some point soon" Paige improvised and Hazel followed her lead as they begun a conversation about the grade eights who apparently didn't know the difference between left and right.

---

The Last bell rung and Marco came over to Ellie's side.

"Walking home?" he asked as she put her final book in her bag

"Nah, Got an Appointment with Sauve remember" Ellie rolled her eyes

"Well can I walk you to your appointment then?" Marco asked

"If you really want, I won't stop you" Ellie shrugged

"Do you think Ash will ever get over Craig?" Marco asked as they set off

"I hope so, she may be my other best friend but she's even annoying me" Ellie rolled her eyes "being dumped sucks but she's taking it to another level, its not like their relationship was even that serious."

"Yeah I know" Marco nodded as they reached the room "How about I hang around the Media Immersions lab until your done and you come find me to walk home?"

"You don't have to" Ellie replied raising an eyebrow thinking he probably wanted to find out what happened during the session.

"I want to, plus I've not got anything better to do." Marco smiled "I'll see you in a bit"

"Ok" Ellie agreed reluctantly as he headed off down the corridor towards the media immersions lab. She sighed as she turned to face the door of Sauve's office and unwillingly tapped on it quietly hoping Sauve wouldn't hear. Unfortunately she had no such look the door opened before she had finished knocking.

"Hello Ellie, Had a good holiday?" She asked

"Fantastic."She replied sarcastically rolling her eyes "it sure was eventful" she added

"What happened to make it eventful?" Sauve asked as Ellie took her seat

"The usual" Ellie told her with a shrug

"What's the usual?" Sauve asked stating to take her notes

"That's not your business" Ellie replied sharply

"Have you been cutting?" Sauve asked her

"Do you really think I'm going to answer that?" Ellie asked folding her arms defensively

"Your body language tends to answer for you" Sauve pointed out making Ellie flush red.

"Well I told you before it's my way of living" Ellie told her "You think I'm going to just stop, to give that up?"

"Why do you class it as your way of living?" Sauve asked

"Because it keeps me going…" Ellie replied raising an eyebrow surely Sauve wasn't stupid enough t think she was going to give her a proper answer.

"Have you ever seriously considered killing yourself?" Sauve asked curiously

Ellie raised an eyebrow at the question not quite expecting it. She stalled pondering her answer, Should she tell Sauve the truth? She was silent for a minute while she decided what to say before deciding if she told Sauve the truth she might realise why she didn't want to stop cutting. "Yes" She said quietly not quite believing what she had just admitted to the older woman. Sauve scribbled her reply down and she quickly added "But that was before I discovered cutting, I've never thought about it since"

"So that's why you class it as a way of living not a problem?" Sauve replied looking up from her notebook

"Yes, if I didn't cut I would probably have tried to killed myself by now." Ellie told her with a small shrug it felt good to have gotten something that she had kept to herself for such a long time of her chest, she was beginning to realise that maybe talking with sauve did have its uses "Maybe I'll stop one day but I'd rather work out when is right for myself."

"That is understandable" Sauve nodded and Ellie smiled a genuine smile at the woman relieved that she had listened to her and understood what she had meant without question. "I Think this has been quite a productive session" Sauve added looking up from her book "You can head of early and we'll discuss more next week"

"Ok" Ellie nodded and she picked up her bag and headed out the door glad to be leaving the room early. She headed down towards the Media Immersions Lab where Marco was watching though the window obviously waiting for any sign of her. He waved and gathered up his stuff before hurrying out the room to her side, he started to question her immediately just as Ellie had though he would.

"How'd it go?" he asked keenly

"Good" Ellie told him quickly rolling her eyes "Very good"

"What did you talk about?" Marco asked curiously

"No offence Marco but I'd rather not share, not right now" Ellie told him quite sharply

"Don't worry, if you want to keep it between you and Sauve I don't mind" Marco said draping an arm round her shoulders as they walked "want to go get milkshakes at the dot?"

"Can't I need to go home" Ellie sighed "Mom Check up"

"Ah, ok" Marco said squeezing her shoulder "want me to come back with you?"

"No thanks I'll be fine on my own" Ellie said shaking her head and pulling away from Marco putting her hands in her pockets as she walked

"Ok, maybe we can go get drinks another night then huh?" Marco asked taking in his worn out looking friend.

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "perhaps we should drag Ash out too"

"That's a good idea, maybe we can work on cheering her up" Marco replied with a small smile "it would be nice to have the old Ash Back"

"Yeah it would. We could give cheering her up our best try" Ellie agreed as they reached the part of the park when they had to go different directions.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow" Marco said pulling her into a hug which she returned

"Yeah, See you tomorrow" Ellie nodded before they both headed off in their different directions.

Ellie continued her walk home in silence listening to her own footsteps as she walked, her mind going over the session with Sauve a slight feeling of relief washing over her. She arrived on the doorstep of her house, opened the door and slipped inside, locking the door behind her.

---

Ashley's school attendance had become pretty low. She didn't turn up for most of the next week and a half and even Marco and Ellie couldn't seem to drag her out of the house. Soon there was a rumour going round that Manny was pregnant, which caused Ashley to promptly disappear from school for three whole days before she was forced back into attendance by her mother. Ellie had had another 'productive' appointment with Sauve they discussed a few random things and Ellie was finally beginning to find the sessions bearable as she realised every time she told the woman something it felt like it was another was a huge weight of her chest.

Friday was going extremely slowly for Ellie, Ashley was being extremely dark and depressing, to the point where she was even getting on Ellie's nerves. Ellie was getting to the point where she wanted to scream at her to get over it already but she decided it was probably best to just keep her mouth shut. It was the last lesson of the day, drama and Ellie was sat on the stage between Marco and Ashley waiting for the lesson to begin. She swung her legs against the side as Marco told her about a new Indian classic movie he had heard about while they waited for Miss Kwan's arrival.

"Good afternoon everybody" Miss Kwan smiled as she entered the room stopping Marco mid sentence. "We'll split up into our groups and work on the scenes from last week. I want them ready to perform by next lesson." Miss Kwan announced "Paige your group can stay here in this half of the hall Terri your group can use the other half of the hall, Heather your group can have the chemistry lab as that's not in use at the moment, Craig your group can work in the music room and Marco your group can work in my English classroom. I'll come round and check on your progress and you can all leave when the bell rings at the end of the lesson but if I find that you left earlier there will be consequences." Miss Kwan announced "Alright! Let's get started!"

Marco stood up and Ellie and a sulky Ashley followed him out of the room. They headed down to the English room they started to work on the scene. Miss Kwan came in after a few minutes and gave them some pointers before heading off to see the other groups. When she left Ashley took a seat on a desk.

"Come on Ash cheer up already!" Ellie told her rolling her eyes a little. "Its no fun working with you when you're moping around, you've got to get over it already Ash"

"Well I don't want to cheer up!" Ashley said angrily standing back up folding her arms defensively

"El's right you should cheer up, I miss the happy Ashley" Marco said putting his script down.

"Well nobody just cheated on you did they? No one just tore your heart in too two, you don't wake up and have to force yourself out of bed every morning." Ashley said dramatically.

"Why don't you stop being so self centred" Ellie said angrily

"You don't understand 'miss my life is perfect'" Ash said viciously

"Oh yeah, well there are much worse things you could have to deal with than having your boyfriend dump you!" Ellie replied furiously

"Like what" Ashley said wrinkling her nose

"Well, why don't you try living with…" Ellie started before stopping herself in her tracks realising she was about to say, she looked up at her friend and slapped her hard before storming out of the room. Ashley stood in shock with her hand on her face where Ellie had slapped her.

"I Agree with her Ashley" Marco said stepping up to her "stop being so pathetic, you are taking this way over the top, it happened what three weeks ago? You should get over it and move on already, you'll find someone else"

"What does she know about pain anyway" Ashley said bitterly glaring at Marco for agreeing with Ellie.

"A lot more than you" He replied angrily defending Ellie.

"Whatever" Ashley responded bitterly removing her hand from her face

"Look Ashley, Her Mom is an alcoholic, Ellie has to look after her all the time, her dads away on his peace keeping mission and when he didn't come back from it for the holidays her mom ended up drinking herself into such a state she ended up in hospital." Marco started telling her angrily "She's been pushed to the edge of the past few months to the point where she started to cut herself but she still goes on, she has to see Sauve a weekly and I know even though she looks strong on the outside she's fighting herself on the inside." He took a deep breath taking in Ashley's shocked face "You, you just got dumped by a boy you've been with, what less than a year? You weren't even in that serious of a relationship! It's not that bad, deal with it and move on. Her life is a whole lot worse than yours and she deals with it, perhaps not in the best way but she doesn't constantly mope around feeling sorry for herself."

"I… I didn't know… I'm sorry Marco I've been so stupid" Ashley said sitting down realisation crossing her face. Marco went over to her side and placed a hand on her back.

"Put it behind you, Craig's an idiot, deal with it you can do so much better than him anyway." Marco told her

"Yeah, I guess I should just put it behind me shouldn't I? Its not that bad compared to…" Ashley started "All that stuff you said about El, that's all true?"

"Um yeah" Marco nodded "I think there's more to it and she's just not saying it, but you can tell, she'd never admit something's wrong or that she needs help you know how she is."

"I feel so awful for being such an awful friend…" Ashley sighed "I'm moping over a boy and one of my best friends is obviously in a much worse place."

"You didn't know" Marco reassured her "It took me finding a blood stained razor to get anything out of her and she usually tells me everything, or I used to think she did"

"It really puts things into perspective, sure getting dumped by Craig for that slut Manny Santos was bad but compared to that..." Ashley said quickly

"She's going to kill me for telling you" Marco said stepping away

"Well I'm glad you did" Ashley replied "maybe we can persuade her to see Sauve when she comes back"

"She already is Ash" Marco shook his head "Look I don't think she needs us talking about therapy and stuff, I think she just wants to get on with living and not talk about it that's what her sessions with Sauve are for."

"But she has to talk about it!" Ashley told him and Marco sighed maybe telling Ashley wasn't a good idea at all, Ellie was going to kill him.

---

Meanwhile Ellie burst into the girls bathroom angrily he locked herself in a cubical and pulled out her blade from her CD case, She couldn't believe she had nearly spilled everything about her mother to Ashley, Rolling up her sleeve she placed it down and made three deep cuts. She started to grab some toilet roll and the blood started run down her arm she pressed it on quickly. It didn't take long for the bleeding to slow and Ellie found an old bandage in her CD case which she wrapped around her arm breathing deeply. Checking for any hints of blood in the cubical she flushed the blood stained toilet paper down the toilet and started making her way back to the classroom so Miss Kwan wouldn't give her detention for slipping away.

"Ellie, I need to talk to you" Marco said as she stepped back in the room he hurried over and led her out of the room into the corridor again.

"Look don't blow up when I tell you this" Marco said nervously

"What?" Ellie asked irritably raising an eyebrow

"I Just flipped out at Ashley and told her about your mom and your cutting…" Marco said

"You what?" Ellie said a hint of anger in her voice

"She's not going to tell anyone don't worry and I think we might have the old Ashley back now she's realised there's worse things in life than getting cheated on" Marco said hoping Ellie wouldn't be too mad

"Well I would have preferred if you hadn't spilled all my secrets but I guess I can forgive you" Ellie nodded before shaking her head "She best stop moping now."

"Good, where did you go?" Marco asked a relieved smile crossing his face for a second.

"I needed a breather" Ellie told him starting back towards the door

"You cut didn't you?" Marco asked and she stopped in her tracks shooting him a glare before going back into the classroom.

"You alright Ellie?" Ashley asked as she entered a frustrated Marco on her heels "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"No. and I'm Fine" Ellie snapped instantly "How about we work on this script" she added making her voice a little softer realising how snappy she was being.

"Ok" Ashley agreed reluctantly while a slightly distracted Marco nodded.

---

The bell rang signalling the lesson was finally over. Ellie and a now much brighter looking Ashley started to leave but Marco pulled Ellie back she glared at him and tugged her arm from his grasp.

"You did cut didn't you, you completely avoided my question" He said angrily as he pulled her back into the room

"Marco…" Ellie started irritably

"Look I know its hard but, Please try and stop" Marco pleaded

"Marco, I don't really want to stop, not yet, cutting is the one thing in my life I can actually control and rely on right now without it I'll… I don't know what I'll do ok." Ellie said her voice full of a mixture of emotions. Marco looked at her sadly. "I'm working on the problems behind the cutting first then I'll work on stopping in my own time, forcing me isn't going to help at all, Sauve's seen that so you need to see it too."

"You know can rely on me" He told her softly "I will always be here if you need me" Ellie nodded and looked down her arm. She could feel the hurt in his eyes as he looked at her, she didn't like hurting him but she wanted to do this right and quitting cutting right now could lead to much worse things.

"Can we go now?" Ellie asked motioning towards the door wanting to get out of the awkwardness of the conversation. Marco nodded and she led the way out of the classroom and to their lockers.

"I have to go to my appointment" She told him as she shut her locker "See you later" Marco watched her go before leaving the building and heading home.

Ellie knocked on Sauve's door and entered when she was invited in by the woman. Offering her a brief smile Ellie sat down and waited for Sauve to start questioning her.

"So What's been going on with you this week?" Sauve asked

"Not Much really" Ellie shrugged "its been an average week"

"Now I know we've come to the conclusion at the moment you find cutting more productive that what might happen if you stop, I think what we need to figure out in the next couple of sessions is what triggers you into cutting" Sauve told her and Ellie nodded "That way we can think of ways to prevent the triggers or suppress them so they stop triggering you as much"

"Ok that sounds like a good idea" Ellie agreed, she hated talking about the things behind her cutting as the main thing was her mom, but she decided that maybe she could go over a few others first and then talk about it later.

"Ok so we'll start with one trigger at a time, what do you want to discuss today?" Sauve asked her.

"School" Ellie said thoughtfully

"Ok so what triggers you in school?" Sauve asked

"I guess when all the work gets on top of me" Ellie told her

"So if we managed to spread out your work load and gave you a few passes to let you have a little extra time on a few assignments when you can prove you have a lot to do would that help a little?" Sauve asked

"Yes, I think so if I have less assignments in at one time I can spread out the working and it would make it less stressful" Ellie nodded

"Any other things about school that Trigger you?" Sauve asked

"Low grades, but if I can spread out my work more I'll have more time to revise and then I'll probably get better grades," Ellie told her "and I guess I should stop being so harsh on myself about them especially in my worst subjects"

"Anything else?" Sauve asked

"Pressure from friends, Living up to them and just generally wanting to please them, I feel horrid if I don't…" Ellie told her.

"You know you don't have to live up to your friends" Sauve pointed out

"I know but I can't help it" Ellie sighed

"You are all different people and excel in different areas" Sauve told her "What is your best subject?"

"I Guess English, I like writing" Ellie told her

"Do you get good Marks in English?" Sauve asked

"Yes I do" Ellie nodded "Usually"

"Well that's your subject, that's the subject you get the good marks in, you can't be perfect Ellie and you need to understand that, no one is ever perfect. Maybe you could ask some of your friends who are better at a subject than you are to give you a hand in their best subjects?" Sauve told her

"Yeah, I like that idea" Ellie nodded

"You should understand you shouldn't have to please your friends all the time too, think about yourself. You are the most important person in your life so take care of yourself, don't let others pressure you" Sauve informed her

"I know, it's hard not to. I'll try and think about myself a little more and put what I want first." Ellie nodded in agreement

"OK Lets wrap that up their for now, this has been a good session" Sauve told her "I'll see you same day, same time, same place next week"

"Ok" Ellie said as she left. "Thanks"

"No problem Ellie" Sauve replied as the door clicked shut.

---

Marco telling Ashley about Ellie's problems sure had stopped her moping around but it also had another rather annoying side effect; Ashley was now permanently talking about, help groups, Sauve and how Ellie was doing. In fact Ellie was pretty sure she'd hadn't had a normal conversation with Ashley since that day, it was nice she cared but caring had its limits and the extra stress from Ashley wasn't helping Ellie. Ellie closed her locker and spotted the older girl coming down the corridor towards her, she quickly started to walk and dodged out of the way into the nearest the girl's toilets. She locked herself into a cubicle and sat down on the toilet lid. She didn't hear anyone enter the washroom after her so breathed a sigh of relief. After a minute or so the bell rang and Ellie stepped out of the cubicle. She really didn't feel like going to class so instead she stepped into the corridor and headed in the opposite direction to the Maths classroom. She reached the entrance hall and headed out the front door thinking she'd go to the park for awhile or maybe check up on her mom just let some of the school stress leave her for a bit, she had just left the building when she heard a voice behind her.

"Miss Nash exactly where are you going?"

Ellie cursed as she turned and saw Radditch stepping out of the front door behind her.

"I have a... Dentist appointment…"she improvised quickly

"Do you? Where's your note?" He asked

"Erm, I forgot it" Ellie said raising an eyebrow knowing he was going to crack down on her without a note.

"I Think I shall be seeing you in detention on Saturday, Skipping Class is not allowed" he told her "Next time I hope you'll think twice about the idea, now which class are you supposed to be in?"

"Maths" Ellie sighed rolling her eyes irritably "With Mr Armstrong"

Radditch accompanied her to the door of the classroom and watched her enter before leaving.

"Miss Nash why are you late?" Armstrong asked as she entered the room

"I er…" Ellie said "I lost my textbook and was looking for it" she lied

"Well I presume you found it" he replied and Ellie nodded "so you can get on with the questions on the board and put your homework on my desk as you leave"

Ellie set too work with a sigh and found Marco had slid a piece of paper her way.

_You ok? Where have you been?_

Ellie sighed a scribbled a quick response

_I'm fine, Don't ask… _

She turned her attention back to the questions and set to work.

---

Ellie carried her tray over to the usual table rolling her eyes as Marco continued to question her about her lateness

"I tried to skip, failed and got Saturday detention" Ellie told him irritably as she sat down.

"Saturday Detention?!" Marco said raising an eyebrow "well I suppose its your own fault you shouldn't have tried to skip…"

Ellie rolled her eyes again and tucked into her food.

"Why were you skipping again?" Ashley asked "was it anything to do with…"

"No." Ellie said stabbing a potato angrily with her fork "I just didn't feel like going to class" 'or being around you' she added in her head.

"But _Saturday_ detention?" Marco shook his head "Radditch's crack down has sure gone to the next level…"

"I know…" Ellie agreed "What happened to after school detentions and Lunch time detentions? It's a good job I didn't have anything planned."

"I wonder if anyone else will be doing Saturday detention." Ashley wondered out loud

"Possibly" Ellie shrugged "if Radditch cracked down on me like that then there's a chance I'm not going to be the only one there."

"Actually Jimmy and Hazel both have Saturday detentions this weekend" Paige told them looking up from her Meal.

"Well at least I won't be alone then" Ellie nodded

"Did you here another chocolate machine was broken into?" Ashley asked changing the subject as she picked up her chocolate bar

"Oh yeh, I went to go grab a snack before Maths earlier and I saw" Marco said stabbing his fork into his pasta. "Who do you reckon is behind it all?"

"I think its that Jay and his friends including Sean…" Ashley said giving a look of disgust at the last name, Ellie knew she was still a little bitter over what she had told Ellie had happened at the end of grade 8.

"How many thefts is that now…" Ellie asked curiously

"Five I think" Marco said taking a sip from his water "three chocolate machines, a DVD player and a Laptop."

"Honestly, some people have nothing better to do with their lives…" Paige rolled her eyes

"We should be getting to Class" Ellie sighed as the bell rang.

"Yep." Marco agreed "English here we come, No trying to skip this time El." he added with a wink and Ellie rolled her eyes as she picked up her tray.

The rest of the day passed slowly, they had an English pop quiz, which Ellie was sure she had failed and then they had biology which was extremely dull in Ellie's opinion. She chucked her biology book in her locker and waved goodbye to Marco and Ashley as she had to go to her co-op job. She walked down to the television studio, signed in and knocked on Caitlin's door.

"Ellie!" Caitlin smiled "That report you gave me was wonderful! Great work!"

"Thanks" Ellie blushed she loved her co-op job, she had always had a passion for journalism and directing and her co-op was allowing her to get a taste for doing a bit of both.

"So how are you?" Caitlin asked gesturing for her to sit down

"I'm ok thanks." Ellie nodded

"Good! Well I have been thinking of a new project for you and we came up with the idea of a real life story, from Degrassi itself for our young peoples section." Caitlin told Ellie who listened interestedly "Basically we'll let you chose the story, it could be about someone in the school who has an interesting and different story, Maybe cover a topic that the whole school is talking about, anything really but make sure the students are interested and it's presented in away people outside of the school can understand it. What do you think? Are you up for it?"

"Sure its sounds good" Ellie nodded

"Great you can go and work in your office for a little on it if you want or you can go home and start it, it's up to you." Caitlin said standing up.

"I think I might go home…" Ellie said with a small smile, the earlier she got back the less likely it would be that her mom would be angry about her being back late. "I can talk to some people from school and find out what they think they'd like to see a report on."

"Ok! Well you can report back to me next week with how it's going so far and if you need to contact me you have my phone number and Email address." Caitlin smiled "so off you go!"

"Ok." Ellie smiled standing up "see you next week!"

"Good luck Ellie" Caitlin smiled

"Thanks" Ellie nodded leaving the office

She left the building and headed across the street and towards the park. She arrived home and shut the door quietly behind her, glancing into the kitchen she found her mom lying on the table passed out. With a sigh she entered and took an oven glove off the side and removed an overflowing boiling pot to potatoes from the oven. She flicked it off and replaced the oven glove on the side. She grabbed a drink for herself and headed upstairs. She turned on her computer and logged into DIM. She was immediately flooded by messages from Ashley. She rolled her eyes and replied before spotting Marco was online and starting a conversation with him to see what his opinion on her new project would be.

DarkStar: Hey Marco!

MarcoDR!: Hey Els! How was Co-op?

DarkStar: Good thanks, actually I'd like your ideas for something.

MarcoDR!: What would that be?

DarkStar: Well I need to work on a report related to Degrassi and I wondered if you had any ideas what I could do it on, Caitlin suggested a real life story thing or a topic the whole school is talking about… any ideas?

MarcoDR!: well I think The thefts would be a good one, you could try find out who's doing it… and it's the main topic of conversation at Degrassi at the moment.

DarkStar: Sounds like a good idea, thanks Marco.

Ellie decided Marco's idea about the thefts was defiantly a good one so she opened up her internet explorer and began doing a bit of re-search into theft online for background information ready for her story.

---

It was Friday afternoon and lessons were over, Ellie walked alone through the slowly emptying halls of Degrassi, Ashley was with Paige and Marco had disappeared with Dylan, she had opened her locker, humming the tune she had stuck in her head and started getting her books ready for the afternoon's lessons when she heard voices.

"Why can't you come down the ravine on tomorrow?" The familiar voice of Jay Hogart voice echoed though the corridor as a group of students started coming down the hall, Ellie kept her head in her locker as they passed.

"Saturday detention… again" Sean's voice sighed "Radditch is such a bastard."

"Sucks man" Jay said as the rounded the corner of the hall Ellie pulled away from her locker and looked after their retreating backs, suddenly she had an idea. She locked her locker and started towards her Appointment with Sauve.

Ellie knocked on the familiar door and was promptly invited inside by the old er woman.

"So How is everything going?" Sauve asked sitting down, Ellie following her lead.

"Just like normal" Ellie shrugged

"I heard you got Saturday detention. How did you get it?" Sauve asked her

"Tried to skip class and got caught" Ellie rolled her eyes

"Why were you skipping?" Sauve asked

"Felt like it" Ellie replied "I was getting a little sick of the fuss some people were giving me"

"Who would that be?" Sauve asked making more notes in her little book

"Ash." Ellie told her "ever since she found out about my cutting, she's all over me most of the time but all she ever talks about are sessions with you, stopping and my problems."

"So you just felt like you needed a little space?" Sauve questioned

"Yeah" Ellie told her

"Ok how about we discuss another trigger?" Sauve suggested

"Ok" Ellie agreed reluctantly, she wasn't as keen about talking about the other two reasons she cut.

"So what shall we discuss?" Sauve asked

"My dad" Ellie said slowly

"How does your dad trigger you?" Sauve asked making her usual notes

"He's a soldier" Ellie told her "he's currently in Kabul on a peace keeping mission, he holds our family together, without him mom…" Ellie stopped not wanting to go into her moms drinking today.

"What about your mom?" Sauve pressed

"Can I talk about her next week? She's probably the main reason I cut and I'd rather have whole session." Ellie explained

"That's perfectly fine" Sauve agreed making a note "so your dad's absence affects you?"

"yeah I really miss him whilst he's gone" Ellie sighed "I always worry he wont come back one day and sometimes… it feels like… he.. Doesn't love me… otherwise he wouldn't leave me to deal with her on my own" Ellie bit her lip tears welling in her eyes "Sorry I'm being so stupid"

"Your not, You have a right to be worried, Maybe more correspondence with your father might help you feel more like he loves you, because I'm sure he does" Sauve told her as Ellie wiped at her eyes.

"Yeah, I'd like more contact with him, I hate lying to him though" Ellie sighed

"About what?" Sauve asked

"About everything happening at home" Ellie told her "I tell him everything's fine but its all lies, but I won't hurt him by telling him the truth."

"Its good you feel like you should protect him but he is your dad he's supposed to be more responsible than you" Sauve told her

"I'd rather skip round the lies and not tell him for mom's sake and my own" Ellie told her still biting back tears "Can we finish I don't want to talk anymore"

"Ok then, let's leave it there for today." Sauve nodded making a note "Unless there is anything else you want to talk about?"

Ellie shook her head preparing to pick up her bag and hurry out as soon as Sauve gave her the go ahead.

"Ok I'll see you next week, we'll try talk about you mom then ok?" Sauve told her standing up. Ellie nodded and stood up too picking up her bag and left the room hurriedly knowing next week was going to be one hell of challenge for her.

A/n Thanks to Lichfield Girl for reviewing :)


	7. Don't you forget about me

Disclaimer I don't own Degrassi or Don't you forget about me by simple minds 

A/n The start of this chapter follows Take on Me quite closely with a few slight changes, unfortunately I don't own the bits you recognise. I also really apologise for how long this has taken to get up my dad got took into hospital and I've spent most of the past nearly 2 weeks going to college then to the hospital luckily he's back home now waiting for an operation so I should be around a bit more and after I've finished college on Friday I should have more time to update. 

Scars

Chapter 6: Don't you forget about me 

_Tell me your troubles and doubts  
Giving me everything inside and out and  
Love's strange so real in the dark  
Think of the tender things that we were working on_

Saturday morning dawned bright and cheery. A less than cheerful Ellie dragged herself out of bed yawning tiredly as her alarm clock woke her up, She pulled on her studded wristbands over the sleeves of her cobweb mesh top making sure the sleeves weren't too see through as she did so, she decided that her outfit was ok before picking up a pile of stuff from her table. She hesitated slightly before picking up her voice recorder as well and slipping it into her bag before doing it up and leaving her room. She headed into the living room before she left and threw an old blanket over her passed out mother before heading out of the house locking the door behind her.

The school was unusually quiet as Ellie entered the entrance hall she made her way to the cafeteria where she found Hazel, Jimmy and Toby, Jimmy nodded to her as she entered and offered her a small smile which she returned as she took a seat. It wasn't long before Sean entered the cafeteria taking a table across from Ellie and putting his feet up she watched him curiously as he pulled off his hat and ran a hand through his messy hair yawning tiredly.

Radditch soon came into the cafeteria and started a lecture about Saturday detention and the rules he expected them to all follow before he left the room as quickly as he had arrived. Hazel, Jimmy and Toby had started to pull out books and papers that looked like work whilst Sean had just put his feet back on the table where they had been before Radditch had removed them during his speech. He noticed Ellie looking at him and put them down again shooting her one of his smirk like smiles, Ellie raised an eye brow and pulled out her notebook blushing slightly.

"So this is exiting" Sean said resting his head on his hand boredly

"It's detention, it's not supposed to be exciting." Toby replied as he wrote not looking up. Ellie kept her eyes on her notebook but kept her ears on their conversation.

"So?" Sean replied producing a tennis ball and standing up. He began to throw it as hard as he could at the Degrassi wall painting.

Ellie looked up from her notebook and watched as Sean swapped from throwing the ball at the wall to the ceiling making loud banging noises which caused a few irritated glances from the other three until Jimmy started to argue with him about doing it. The next thing she knew there was a bang and one of the tiles had fallen right in front of her on her bag.

"Oh great, thanks a lot" She said sarcastically rolling her eyes irritably before scooping up her bag and checking inside it that the tape recorder was still in one piece.

"Anything broken?" Sean asked coming over and Ellie looked up and folded her arms over the bag and glared at him before looking up at the rather large hole.

"We should fix it" Toby suggested suddenly putting his pen down "Radditch will kill us if he sees he'll probably put us in Saturday detention for the rest of the term…"

"For once Toby has a point" Hazel agreed.

"Right, I'll stand on this table and lift Toby up because he's the smallest, Jimmy you help balance us" Sean said picking up the white board. "We going to fix this or what?"

"No chance you broke it, you fix it." Jimmy said still sitting in his chair.

"Come on Jimmy, Radditch will screw" Hazel said nervously

"Oh alright then!" Jimmy snapped getting up. It didn't take long for them to organise themselves, Sean lifted Toby as Hazel stepped out of the way, Ellie joined her not particularly wanting to be crushed by the three boys. Jimmy passed the board up to Toby and they tried to re-fit it with the Hazel giving instructions.

"A little to the left" Hazel instructed them "the other left…" she rolled her eyes as Sean side stepped in the wrong direction and whispered to Ellie. "boys…" Ellie smiled and shook her head as she continued to watch them struggle.

"Do you want to do this princess?" Sean asked irritably "it's not exactly easy…"

"Shut up Sean she's just trying to help, so lay off" Jimmy snapped back

"I really don't like heights" Toby chipped in as he tried to push the tile in

"Oh just shut up and do it." Sean said annoyed

They had just managed to fix it in place when Toby and Sean toppled off the table and landed in a pile on the floor with Jimmy.

"Are you ok?" Hazel asked them all

"At least it's fixed." Jimmy said holding his head and Sean nodded as Toby lay on his back.

Jimmy and Toby stood up and Ellie paused seeing her chance she offered Sean her hand, he looked her in the eyes before he took it, stood back up and straightening his top looking her over. Radditch however decided this was an appropriate time to appear and irritably split them up around the cafeteria before leaving them yet again. Ellie took out her notebook and pen again, Sean began playing with some keys, Hazel started to read and Jimmy and Toby started doing their work.

"Please someone tell me that clock is wrong" Hazel said interrupting the silence in the cafeteria making the others look up, "some of us have social engagements…" Ellie rolled her eyes typical Hazel, social engagements.

"Like what? Does Paige need you to lick her boots before she goes out?" Sean asked sarcastically Ellie hid her laughter at his comment; she had to admit that Sean had some class, Hazel did follow Paige around a lot.

"Leave her alone Sean" Jimmy said coming to Hazels defence. Ellie watched as the two boys exchanged sneers.

"Still, I've got to wonder why your girlfriend miss conformity ended up in detention." Sean replied Ellie thought about his words, now she thought of it why was Hazel In detention? She was always good in class and never forgot her homework or anything… "Me?" Sean asked no one in particular "Well I'm pleased to announce I'm here for 8 solid weeks for anti social behaviour!"

"Well that's a Surprise" Hazel rolled her eyes "and I'm not his girl friend anyway."

"I skipped class and Radditch caught me" Ellie added hoping it would make Hazel open up a bit and tell the group why she was in detention. Everyone stopped and looked at her "What I didn't feel like going…"

"Wow what a great story Ellie" Jimmy said sarcastically, Ellie just rolled her eyes and went back to her notebook wishing she hadn't bothered to speak in the first place.

"Is yours any better?" Sean asked slightly defensively. Ellie looked up again wondering if he had actually been defending her or not.

"Well, I should be at the concert of the year today but…" Jimmy said with a sigh and Toby butted in

"I hacked the school computers to change his grade and we got busted"

"No Toby, you got busted and you ratted me out." Jimmy said irritably

"Anyway back to Hazel…" Sean said looking over at her

"Why do you think I'm here then?" Hazel said

"Your shoes didn't match your purse?" Toby asked looking up from his work Sean laughed.

"Yeh that it, my shoes didn't match my purse." Hazel said rolling her eyes and picking up the bathroom pass "I'm out of here"

Hazel left the room. Toby and Jimmy got back to working Sean stared off into space and Ellie rested her head on her hand and looked over at Sean wondering how she could get him to confess about the thefts. He caught her eye again and she looked away as Hazel bounded back into the room.

"Oh my god you'll never guess what I just saw!" Hazel said as she entered.

"What now princess" Sean asked putting his feet up on the table.

"Radditch. in the gym. playing with a Swiss ball!" She burst out laughing and imitated the movements he had been making and the others started laughing too.

"I walked in and he was like 'Iit's a Swisss ball from Switzerland'" Hazel flopped back in her seat laughing. "If only I had had a camera"

---

Toby was snoring with his head on one of the desks, Jimmy looked up from his work to ask Hazel to do the Radditch impression again breaking the almost silence that had formed in the room since she had gotten back and the novelty of the swiss ball had worn off.

"Iit's a Swiiss ball!" Sean laughed impersonating Hazel's impression

"I'm bored of doing it." Hazel sighed "I'm bored of everything, this room, my work, everything!" Ellie looked up and suddenly had an idea, one which she could possible get Sean to confess to the thefts with and find out why Hazel was in detention.

"Ok then why don't we do something more interesting?" Ellie asked them all they all stopped what they were doing and looked at her "How about a game of Truth or Dare?" The others shrugged and agreed "Truth or Dare" They played for awhile before Ellie grabbed her chance to question Hazel.

"Hazel? Truth or dare?" She asked with a small smile

"Truth" Hazel said shiftily

"So, what are you doing in detention?" Ellie asked with a smirk pleased with herself

"Out with it" Jimmy said from across the room

"Yeah, either that or take a dare" Ellie said "So… what are you doing in detention?"

"I've changed my mind, Give me a dare" Hazel said quickly

"Fine." Jimmy said with a slightly evil smirk jumping in before Ellie had chance to think up a dare "I dare you to kiss Toby"

"Jimmy!" Toby shot upright from the desk he had been sleeping on.

"Jimmy!" Hazel said speechless

"Yes! I Like it Brooks, Come on, on the lips, like you mean it!" Sean laughed

Hazel sighed and stood up. She walked over to Toby while everyone tapped on their tables or clapped. She sat down on his knee and kissed him, Hard.

"Woah!" Ellie laughed, Sean and Jimmy laughed too.

Hazel wiped Toby's lips and stood back up and returned to her seat. After a few more rounds the group fell silent again and as they returned to its bored state Ellie realised she hadn't had chance to ask Sean about the thefts, She sighed realising that getting Sean's confession would be harder than just playing truth or dare. She pulled out her notebook again while Jimmy and Hazel started on some work, Sean was just staring into space playing with his keys and Toby was now throwing things into a bin.

"He Scores, again." Toby smiled in Hazel's direction "god JT is going to be so jealous when I tell him about that."

"No he's not because you're not going to tell him" Hazel said annoyed looking up from her work.

"Why can't he tell him? it's just a stupid dare…" Sean chipped in from across the room

"Because she doesn't want anyone to know she kissed a total loser, even if it was a dare." Jimmy said putting his pen down

"Well that's great Hazel very mature" Sean rolled his eyes

"I don't make the rules" Hazel replied

"No that's because all you do is follow them." Sean said taking his feet off the table "You don't even have the guts to tell us why you're in Saturday detention in the first place"

"Sean" Jimmy said threateningly "Leave her alone"

"No, shut up Jimmy" Sean replied "Why are you here?" he asked Hazel leaning on the desk in front of her. "Did Paige pull your puppet strings? Make you dance?" he asked when she didn't reply.

"Paige can't make me do anything" Hazel told him defiantly

"Yeah right whatever" Sean said "Why…" Sean started loudly, Ellie watched as he lent on the desk in front of her.

"Because I got caught surfing porn ok!" Hazel said loudly standing up. Everyone burst out laughing including Ellie.

"I got some spam in my email I was curious…" Hazel said and then joined the others laughing.

"Oh.." Sean said pulling a fake serious face before laughing again.

Once then had stopped laughing about Hazels reason, the group had become less tense, the boys got into a game involving a ball, a mop and Toby wearing trays. Hazel and Ellie had settled down at their tables to do their work after a while Ellie pulled out her lunch and decided to have a bit, Just as Mr Simpson walked into the room.

"What on earth is going on in here?" Mr Simpson asked making the boys stop in their tracks. Ellie put down her sandwich and looked up. After Jimmy had explained to Mr Simpson what was going on and Hazel had questioned him about if he was returning he left coving his eyes as if he was pretending he hadn't seen them.

"So are we playing again?" Toby asked

"I'm not, you can though" Sean said looking over at Ellie.

"I'm in" Hazel said jumping up bored of her work.

He headed over to where Ellie was sat, she glanced up as she heard the footsteps coming closer and spotted him coming over and on instinct switched on her voice recorder just in case as he took the seat next to her. She quickly shut her book up as he did and then after a pause offered him a sandwich which he took with a grateful nod.

"So are the rumours true? Are you really a blood sucking vampire?" He asked breaking the uneasy Silence between the two of them. Ellie rolled her eyes, why did every rumour about her involve vampires.

"No I'm not a vampire; Rumours are much more interesting than the truth." Ellie replied then after a second she had an idea "There's rumours about you too" she added looking over at him.

"Why cause things get stolen?" Sean replied rolling his eyes and looking over at the others playing their game.

"Yeah but its all just rumours though right?" Ellie asked before taking another bite of her sandwich "You don't know anything…"

"I do" Sean replied turning to look at her before leaning over so only she could hear what he said next "Because I'm stealing it."

Ellie held back a silent cheer, she had a confession on tape, although for some reason the idea of the confession being recorded was making her feel nervous, she pushed the feelings aside as the doors to the cafeteria opened. Hazel pour a tray of plastic forks over Toby and Jimmy attacked him with a pole as Radditch stepped back into the room.

"Sorry for crashing the party." Radditch said annoyed Ellie glanced over at Sean who was busy watching the scene unfolding in front of them, she took her chance with the distraction for Radditch to stop her voice recorder recorder. "Mr Isaacs, Mr Brooks and Miss Aden please clean up this mess immediately" they all sighed and began to clean up Ellie and Sean stayed seated. Sean popped the rest of the sandwich into his mouth and looked over at Ellie who was nervously tapping her fingers on the desk.

"Right I'm putting you all in separate rooms." Radditch said as soon as the mess was cleaned up "Follow me, bring your work."

Ellie picked up her bag and walked past Sean who looked after her before following. Radditch opened the door to the empty maths classroom and Ellie walked in. She pulled a chair down off the nearest table as the door shut and sat down pulling out her notebook and the voice recorder. She pressed the play button on the tape and listened to Sean's confession something felt wrong about it, she bit her lip nervously. After about twenty minutes re-listening to the tape and adding a few notes in her notebook. She sighed and swapped the tape for a fresh one before putting everything back in her bag, pressing record and leaving the room.

"I can't sit in a room by myself for the next two hours!" Ellie said entering the room Hazel was in.

"But Radditch says we stay separate…" Hazel replied looking over her shoulder

"Well I say screw him, lets go" Ellie replied raising an eyebrow

"You're pretty cool Miss Nash!" Hazel smiled standing up and following her out of the room, Ellie smirked.

They found Jimmy, Toby and Sean and persuaded them to come along too. They all walked though the halls excitedly and Ellie lead them into the basement where they found an old elevator which was padlocked. However after a quick search of a nearby janitor's closet Jimmy found a set of keys. After they tested about half the keys on the key ring they came across the right one and unlocked the lift. They all stepped in and after a short trip up they got off the other side where Sean found a ladder and began to climb it. He pushed off the lid at the top and climbed out onto the roof and the others followed, Toby complaining about how he didn't want to go. Sean helped Ellie out of the opening and she looked around at her surroundings.

"Wow we're on the roof" she commented, Sean walked off and Ellie paused and then followed him. Jimmy and Hazel headed off in a different way and Toby was left behind alone muttering something about not liking heights. Sean sat down on a pipe and Ellie sat down next to him.

"I didn't expect so much space…" She said trying to make conversation as she sat down.

"You carry that bag everywhere with you huh?" Sean asked as she placed it down beside her.

"It's a Psycho girl thing… Emphasis on the psycho part" Ellie replied with a small half smile pulling her skirt down a little.

"I Think you're cute" Sean told her randomly looking over at her.

Nerves flicked in Ellie's stomach again as he smiled at her she bit her lip and mentally told herself to focus on trying to make the best report for her co-op, she fiddled with her sleeve for a second and a thought crossed her mind, would he still say something like that if he saw the damage she had done to herself? She turned to face him and watched as he lay back. She paused for a second then followed his example and lay back too.

"You don't seam to be scared of me…" Sean said looking over at her when she lay back "Most people tend to just stay away from me."

"Why should I be scared of you?" Ellie replied raising an eyebrow "You're not like a mass murder… are you?"

"No" Sean laughed a little "I don't know I guess people just find me threatening or whatever" he added with a shrug

"Well I'm defiantly not scared of you" Ellie confirmed for him

"That's good" Sean nodded with a small smile

"And you don't seem freaked by me" Ellie replied cautiously all thoughts of the co-op article leaving her mind.

"Nope" Sean said

The thought of whether he would still not be freaked by her if he saw her arms crossed her mind again, she looked over at him before making up her mind impulsively and rolling down her sleeve with a shaking hand not quite sure what was making her do it, she had only shown Paige and Marco he scars before but she felt like she could trust Sean for some reason.

"Are you freaked now?" She asked showing him her arm

Sean looked a little shocked but he shook it off and traced her cuts with his finger tips before looking her in they eyes and sliding his hand up into hers.

"Not a bit." He said softly Ellie felt her heart skip a beat, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes holding on to the moment. They lay in silence for a bit before Sean spoke up again.

"Why do you cut?" he asked curiously

"I… Dunno… I guess… It's the only pain I can control" Ellie replied thoughtfully trying to decide the best way to explain it.

"Yeah that makes sense" Sean nodded squeezing her hand tight

Ellie smiled over at him a little. Her mind suddenly flashback to the tape recorder she knew she couldn't do the article on the thefts anymore. It felt wrong to write an article incriminating someone who actually seemed like a nice person, He hadn't even freaked when she had shown him her cuts. Maybe there was something more behind him stealing stuff, it could be his form of control or maybe he was pressured into it by his friends but whatever the reason he stole she realised she couldn't judge him especially when she didn't know the whole story. Suddenly they heard Toby's voice calling that Radditch was coming. Sean jumped up and offered Ellie his hand which she took. Once she was stood up she hurried to roll her sleeve down again before they ran together back towards the opening. They hurried down the corridors and Sean tried to open the door to the classroom he had been in but it was locked.

"Jimmy!" he yelled

"You locked it?" Jimmy asked

"I don't know…" Sean replied

Jimmy began trying the keys in the lock until just in time the lock opened and Sean darted inside muttering his thanks and Jimmy ran towards his classroom but dropped the keys. He paused and nearly went back for them but Radditch opened the door so he shot inside the classroom instead. Radditch however found the keys and called them all to the cafeteria again.

"Ok Who took the keys?" he asked and no one replied

"Fine you all have Saturday detention for the next three weeks." He said angrily and begun to leave. Suddenly he changed his mind.

"Look just tell me who took them." He said turning around

"Mr Radditch…" Jimmy started

"I took them" Toby butted in

"Toby, I'm disappointed, But I appreciate the honesty" Mr Radditch said "Go home. All of you and enjoy your weekend. Detention is over." Radditch said before he left the room.

"He didn't even freak on you" Hazel said

"Yeah" Jimmy agreed "Toby that was cool, I didn't expect it"

"Aww you guys group hug!" Hazel smiled

"Wait!" Ellie said a sudden burst of inspiration coming too her "I have an instant camera in my bag somewhere!" She dug through her bag and then pulled it out and her bag fell on the floor.

"_You don't seam to be scared of me…" _Sean's voice said from Ellie bag _"Most people tend to just stay away from me." _

"_Why should I be scared of you?" _Ellie's voice replied

Ellie went to grab her bag but Sean got there before her. He dug through and pulled out the voice recorder and stopped it.

"You taped us?" Jimmy asked standing up

"It was for co-op…" Ellie replied trying to defend herself inside she wish she'd never tried to do it in the first place. "I wasn't going to use any names"

"About what?" Toby asked "detention? Us?"

"No the theft of Degrassi" Sean said taking the tape out and stamping on it.

"Not cool Ellie" Hazel said leaving. Toby and Jimmy followed.

Sean gave Ellie one final glare and walked off. Ellie stood alone in the cafeteria watching them all leave. Biting her lip she picked up her bag and ran to the familiar toilets. Locking her self in a cubical she rolled her sleeve up and examined the cuts that Sean had run his fingers over earlier on that day. She felt awful. He had seemed to understand and she had just thrown it away how could she have been so stupid? Why did she always have to screw things up? She pulled out the CD case and pulled out her razor. She made a few hurried gashes on her arm and the blood ran out of the cuts and dripped onto the floor as she fumbled getting some toilet paper. She gasped a little and quickly held some loo roll over the cuts. It took longer than usual for the cuts to stop bleeding, to Ellie it felt like it had been hours but when they Finally slowed a bit she wrapped a bandage round them and threw on her coat. She quickly wiped the blood spots off the floor before running out and heading out of Degrassi and towards her house.

---

Monday came. Ellie was dreading going back to school, first she had to face the others who had been in Saturday detention who probably all hated her after the tape thing especially Sean. She knew she had to explain that she wasn't doing the article anymore; she hated herself for screwing up her chance with Sean after those few minutes on the roof she saw a completely different side to him, one she really liked and wanted to get to know. She walked absentmindedly in the general direction of Degrassi.

"El?" Marco's voice came from the behind her

"Oh Hey Marco" Ellie replied looking over her should at him as he ran to catch up with her.

"Are you ok?" Marco asked

"Yeah" she snapped half heartedly

"You don't sound ok, what's happening?" Marco commented noticing the tone of her voice.

"You know my project for Caitlin, well I tried to record Sean confessing in Saturday detention" Ellie started to explain "But then we were on the roof together and we kind of connected, I showed him my scars and he seemed to really get me and not judge me for it, its hard to explain but yeah and then afterwards the voice recorder started playing…" Ellie sighed "I felt so awful, I can't do the story… I knew from the minute he touched my scars I didn't want to do it any more. Marco, I… I really like him and I've screwed it up like I always do"

"You don't always screw things up El." Marco comforted her "Maybe you should talk to him, explain everything" he suggested

"I guess." Ellie sighed again "I'm not looking forward to facing him… I feel horrible" Marco squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.

"Don't worry it'll be fine…" he told her and she smiled a little

"I best go find him if he'll let me near him…" Ellie sighed as she climbed up the stairs

"Ok, I'll see you in Homeroom" Marco agreed

Ellie left Marco and walked down the hallways till she saw Sean putting something in his locker, she approached him slowly he spotted her coming and made to close his locker and walk away.

"Sean?" Ellie asked as he started to push the locker door shut "Listen I'm sorry I wasn't going to do the article, well at first I was but then with what happened on the roof I couldn't bring myself to even think of doing it, I'm sorry I always screw everything up." Ellie told him "Have this, it's the other tape I don't want it or need it"

Sean took the tape from Ellie and threw it in his locker. Ellie sighed and started to walk off again heading towards homeroom. Sean slammed his locker shut and turned to Ellie's retreating back.

"So I don't freak you out either?" Sean asked and Ellie turned round at his unexpected comment

"No, Not at all." Ellie replied walking back over to him and looking into his eyes, Sean took her hand and placed his fingers in hers and smiled at her. Ellie smiled genuinely back her heart fluttering she couldn't believe he had accepted her apology.

"Can I walk you to your homeroom?" Sean asked her

"Sure" Ellie smiled happily and they walked hand in hand to Miss Kwan's room.

"How about we meet up to eat lunch?" Sean suggested "if you want to that is…"

"I'd love too" Ellie nodded and Sean smiled back

"I best head off" Sean told her as they reached the Media Immersions lab "see you at lunch then?"

"Yeah see you at lunch" Ellie smiled as he squeezed her hand, She walked into the classroom beaming and took her seat next to Marco.

"I guess it went well then?" he asked

"Really well" Ellie grinned "we're meeting up for lunch!"

"That's Great El!" Marco smiled hugging her "Though you and Sean.. An unlikely couple or what?"

"I guess" Ellie shrugged

"Ok Class time for register" Mr Simpson said interrupting their conversation. Ellie smiled looking forwards to lunch with Sean.

---

"You and Sean?" Ashley asked as they left maths for lunch

"Yeah" Ellie nodded

"Well he is a nice guy, though he doesn't seem it with his bad boy attitude" Ashley replied "I still think he's involved in those thefts though"

"Ash I don't really care if he is, he's really sweet and we really connected at detention" Ellie told her rolling her eyes as they walked towards the cafeteria together.

"Hey That'll be one to tell your kids, you met in detention!" Ashley laughed and Ellie smiled too shaking her head.

"Oh well" she smiled "at least it would be an interesting story." Ellie picked up her lunch tray and scanned the room for Sean. She spotted him sitting with Jay and Alex.

"Hey Ellie" He smiled spotting her walking over

"Hi" Ellie said nervously taking the seat next to him.

"You know Jay and Alex don't you?" Sean asked

"Yeah vaguely" Ellie nodded

"'Sup Red" Jay said "we're going to have to check your good enough for our Sean." He pulled off Sean's hat and ruffling his hair

"Jay…" Sean warned snatching back his hat as Ellie raised an eyebrow.

"Don't worry we don't bite" Alex said raising an eyebrow "Though rumour is you do though Vampy" Alex commented before taking a sip of her soda.

"I don't bite actually" Ellie said with a small smirk "well only if someone annoys me"

"Hey Sean, why don't you bring Red here down to the ravine sometime?" Jay asked as he finished his lunch

"Sure, if you want to come you can." He told Ellie "It's up to you"

"Yeah why not" Ellie agreed before taking a sip of her diet coke

"Right, Come on Alex lets go for a drive." Jay said standing up "See you later Man, Bye Red"

"Bye" Ellie nodded as Sean and Jay did a kind of fist hitting motion.

"See you later" Sean said with a nod, They both fell silent till Jay and Alex had left the room.

"Sorry about them" Sean said nervously hoping Alex and Jay wouldn't put Ellie off him.

"Don't worry" Ellie smiled "They seem ok, if they're your friends then I have to give them a chance and try and get to know them better."

"Really?" Sean asked a little confused "Emma used to tell me off for hanging around with them because they are bad influences, I though you might…"

"I'm not Emma, Sean" Ellie replied raising her eyebrow "and I know I can't tell you who to hang around with and who not too, I'm not your mom" Sean smiled

"You actually want to come to the ravine sometime then?" He asked

"Why not?" Ellie replied taking another sip of her drink

"And you don't mind hanging round with Jay and Alex?" He asked

"No of course not" Ellie shook her head and he smiled over at her

---

Ellie found herself heading nervously towards Sauve's office on Thursday, a day earlier than usual as she was supposed to be going to her Co-op job on Friday after school. She knocked on the office door and Sauve let her in, she took her usual seat knowing today's session was going to be a hard one, she would have to talk about her mom for the first time to Sauve.

"So Ellie last time you said you wanted to spend a whole session on your Mom because she's the main reason you cut." Sauve said getting straight to the point.

"Yeah" Ellie nodded wondering where to start taking a deep breath she looked up at Sauve "My Mom is… she's an Alcoholic"

"How long had she been an alcoholic for?" Sauve asked making a few notes

"Well I'm not sure, she could have been on from before I was born but she started drinking a lot the first time my dad went away for a long time, when I was six" Ellie told her a hint of nervousness entering her voice. "That's the first time I remember her getting really drunk"

"Does your Dad know?" Sauve questioned

"He didn't, She would start drinking every time he went away and stopped whenever he came back, but one time just before we moved to Toronto dad came back earlier and found out, he forced her into rehab and stuck around to look after me, she wasted a lot of our money and dad decided to move the family up to Toronto for a fresh start once she was out of rehab, he was home for about a year after that then he had to go on this peace keeping mission, the ones he's on now. He thinks she was under control, but she's not, the minute he went she hit the bottle again." Ellie told her slightly bitterly

"Have you told him that she's still drinking?" Sauve asked

"No, I can't tell him, I lie to him every time I talk to him, he doesn't need to have things going on at home added to his list of worries" Ellie sighed

"Ellie I know you might not want to tell him but he is an adult, he'll be able to help if you tell him…" Sauve suggested

"I'm not telling him" Ellie snapped quickly

"Ok" Sauve nodded making a note "She triggers you to cut a lot?"

"Yes" Ellie replied simply

"What about her and her drinking triggers you to cut?" Sauve asked

"I don't know, I guess the unpredictableness of when she's drunk, the constant stress of looking after her and making sure she's ok all the time" Ellie told her with a shrug

"So when your dad's home and she stop's drinking all the stress goes away?" Sauve asked

"Yeah, I just have to concentrate on school and whatever else is going on" Ellie nodded

"Ok we'll finish there but I think you should consider telling your dad it may take some of the stress off you" Sauve suggested and Ellie rolled her eyes

"I'll consider it but I'm not going to" she said folding her arms defensively

"That's your choice" Sauve told her "but if I was you I would seriously consider it"

"Well your not me" Ellie snapped standing up "I need to get home" She picked up her bag

"I'll see you next week Friday as usual" Sauve added as she headed towards the office door.

"Ok" Ellie replied opening the door and heading off down the corridor.

---

Ellie couldn't help but smile. It was Friday at last, she had been having the best week she had had in along time, she had a new boyfriend and even gotten an A in her chemistry test.

"So ready for our double bill tomorrow?" Marco asked as they left from media immersions.

"Defiantly!" Ellie grinned

"Double bill?" Ashley asked

"Of classic Indian cinema" Marco told her "I got hold of two Indian classics we haven't seen yet"

"Is Sean going to sit though that?" Ashley asked raising an eyebrow

"Why would Sean come?" Ellie asked her raising an eyebrow

"Well if you guys are like going out, won't you want to do something together?" Ashley said matter of factly

"No, Just because I'm going out with Sean it doesn't mean anything will change between me and my friends." Ellie said snapped back at her

"Change isn't always bad you know El" Ashley told her

"Whatever" Ellie rolled her eyes "I'll bring the popcorn" she added to Marco who shared a glance with Ashley before walking down the corridor

"I have to go to co-op" Ellie said once she'd finished putting her stuff in her locker

"Ok El I'll see you tomorrow at mine then" Marco smiled

"Ok Marco" Ellie said giving him a hug

"Bye guys" she said walking off

She arrived early at co-op and settled down to do a bit of work in her office before Caitlin came in and invited her to come and watch her report on security cameras that she had just finished. Ellie tidied up her work and followed Caitlin into a different room where a television was set up and began watching the report.

"It's fantastic Caitlin" Ellie commented as the program finished

"I always cringe at myself on tape!" Caitlin shuddered and Ellie laughed

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Sean came in.

"Security cameras? I thought tape recorders were the next big thing" He smiled looking at the screen

Caitlin glanced at Ellie and then excused herself from the room

"Surprise visit?" Ellie said with a smile and Sean offered her a hand "Unexpected but nice"

"Ellie Nash just said nice…" Sean laughed "I just popped by to ask you if you wanted to come to the cinema with me tomorrow!"

"Really?" Ellie smiled

"Yeah, it's the opening weekend of elimination round three I thought we could go and see it, if you want to…" Sean said

"Oh but…"Ellie started remembering Marco

"But what?" Sean asked

"Nothing, I'd love to come" Ellie smiled

"Great!" Sean grinned back "I'll meet you at the cinema then at four?"

"Sounds good" Ellie nodded

Ellie returned home that evening and put her bag into her room before picking up the phone and calling Marco.

"Del Rossi Residence how can I help you" Marco's voice came from down the phone

"Hey Marco" Ellie said

"Oh El, Hey How was co-op?" Marco asked

"It was good thanks, I had a surprise visitor though" Ellie replied

"Let me guess, Sean?" Marco said cheerfully

"Yep" Ellie replied "he wants me to go see a movie with him tomorrow; I know it'll mean we can't have our Indian classic movie double but I thought you could come with us and then me and you could watch the Indian movies on Sunday."

"I'm not sure Ellie…" Marco began to object

"Please Marco" Ellie begged, she didn't want to admit it but she was a little nervous about going out with Sean on her own and she wanted Marco to come with her so she wouldn't be alone.

"Oh alright" Marco agreed "but your buying popcorn"

"Fair deal" Ellie laughed "I'll come round to yours at three tomorrow then so we can walk to the cinema together"

"Ok sure" Marco agreed

"Bye" Ellie smiled

"Bye" Marco replied.

---

Ellie rang Marco's door bell at three on the dot the next day and Marco's mom let her in. She took the drink Mrs Del Rossi offered her whilst she waited for Marco to appear, he threw on his coat and they left the house together.

"Are you sure Sean isn't going to mind me being there?" Marco asked

"Of course not" Ellie said as they walked

"Indian cinema tomorrow from two then?" Marco checked

"Defiantly" Ellie agreed "I've been looking forward to it all week!"

They arrived at the cinema and Found Sean, Alex and Jay in the foyer area waiting for them.

"Come on Marco" Ellie said trying to get him to hurry up as he was trying to hang behind.

"Why the hurry? We wouldn't want to miss a second of elimination round whatever…" Marco said sarcastically Ellie couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Sorry we're late" Ellie said as they walked up to the others

"Hey Jay" Marco said nervously spotting the older boy starting at him

"er, yeh" Jay replied "Alex go get me some popcorn"

"Give me twenty bucks and I will" Alex replied and Jay rolled his eyes before leaving with Alex to get popcorn.

"I already had plans with Marco so I thought I'd ask him" Ellie explained taking in the expression on Sean's face "Is there a problem?"

"Let's get seats" Sean said avoiding the question and Ellie rolled her eyes following him into the cinema and taking her place between Sean and Marco.

Ellie ate a hand full of popcorn as she watched the boring action movie Sean put his arm around her and she smiled watching a crappy film was worth it as long as she was in Sean's company she decided. Ellie and Marco were both beginning to find the stupid ness of the movie quite funny and found themselves laughing at random bits, Sean took is arm off Ellie's shoulders looking vaguely annoyed as she laughed at another bit she should have, he then proceeded to reach for the popcorn only to find Marco's hand already there. Ellie noticed that Sean was starting to look pretty pissed off as he removed his hand from the popcorn. Her smile faded and she sighed, maybe bring Marco was a bad idea after all, she sighed once more and just turned her attention to the movie trying not to make things worse.

---

"I don't think Sean was too happy I came yesterday" Marco commented as they settled down in his living room on Sunday to watch the Indian Classic movies.

"I know but I did already have plans with you I wasn't about to leave you with nothing to do because I wanted to go off with my boyfriend, especially when your much more important to me anyways" Ellie said picking up the tub of popcorn.

"Ellie, I could have found something else to do" Marco said shaking his head and pressing the play button

"Well I wouldn't have enjoyed myself without you, I so didn't get that movie" Ellie sighed as the film started

"Neither did I" Marco smiled

"But I do get these movies" Ellie laughed as she looked at the screen.

The watched three movies in a row before the smell of Marco's moms pasta drifted through to the living room where they were spread out on the sofa watching the credits of the final movie.

"Shall we go see if tea's nearly ready?" Marco asked with a yawn as the screen went black

"Sure" Ellie nodded "I can smell it already!"

They headed into the kitchen and took their places at the table, waiting for Mrs Del Rossi to serve up the food. They didn't have to wait long and soon they were tucking into Mrs Del Rossi's Pasta with her own recipe special sauce. As Ellie was staying over once they had finished eating they went up to Marco's room and Ellie grabbed her clothes to go change in the bathroom. Once she returned they decided to watch another random movie before bed.

"This just doesn't compare to the Indian movies" Ellie smiled as they lay on Marco's bed and the movie finished.

"No I agree" he laughed "Canadian comedy and Indian comedy are completely different."

"Shall we go to sleep? We have to get up tomorrow for school" Ellie suggested

"Yeah we probably should." Marco agreed Ellie climbed off his bed and into the camp bed set up next to it.

"Night Marco" she smiled

"Night El" Marco replied turning off the light

---

Marco's dad dropped them off at school the next morning and They headed to lessons together where Paige told them about Terri's accident over the weekend, Rick was rumoured to have had left the school and Ellie had to admit after what Paige had told her she defiantly felt it was better he wasn't around. At lunch time Ellie decided to join Marco eating on the front steps of the school, she felt out of place sitting with them all while they were discussing Terri and Rick as she never was particularly close to either of them.

"I'd go with Ash to see Terri after school, but I didn't even know her that well, it seems kind of morbid…" she said tucking into the pasta from Marco's mom.

"We could go if you want" Marco suggested "I didn't know her too well either"

"Yeah maybe we should" Ellie nodded as Sean appeared and sat down in between them making Marco scoot over so much he stood up to leave.

"I'll see you in English" he said rolling his eyes and leaving.

"What did you do that for?" Ellie asked Sean

"I just wanted to spend time alone" Sean shrugged

"Well you've got your wish" Ellie said following Marco back into school, she could not have anyone treat her best friend like that, even Sean.

---

"Do you want to go to the Dot for a drink before we go back to mine to pick up your stuff?" Marco asked

"Sure" Ellie nodded as they left their last class of the day and headed out of Degrassi.

Ellie took a sip of her chocolate milkshake

"I should dump him" she commented

"Sean?" Marco asked putting his cup down

"You're worth six Sean's" Ellie told him "He can't be that rude and expect me to stick around."

"Sean's Rude El?" Marco asked "What do you call bringing Marco the human security blanket on a double date?"

"Marco the what?" Ellie asked confused though inside she knew she had used him as a sort of security blanket.

"Look El, I Know you want everything to stay the same but Sean could be good for you if you let him" Marco told her "I can tell your so much happier now you with him, your just so much more cheerful!"

"I suppose, I better apologise to him tomorrow, if he'll even talk to me…" Ellie sighed "I seem to have to apologise to him a lot…"

"He will" Marco smiled

"Let's go get my stuff I should be heading home" Ellie nodded

---

The next morning Ellie arrived early in the hope that she could catch Sean before homeroom. She spotted him by his locker and walked over.

"Sean?" she asked "listen I'm…"

"Aren't we through…" Sean asked irritably

"Ok are you like dumping me?" Ellie asked a bit confused

"Didn't you already dump me?" Sean asked confused

"No… ok let's start over" Ellie said "I'm here to apologise, I haven't been a very good girlfriend, but you haven't been that great of a boyfriend"

"Look Ellie, I don't hate Marco… it's just that I'm dating you…" Sean replied

"Look Sean I've never done this before ok, like a proper relationship thing, so sorry if I don't totally know how it works..." Ellie admitted

"Well you know you can ask me anything anytime" Sean smiled

Ellie leaned in a kissed him and he took her hand

"Can I walk you to homeroom?" Sean asked

"Yeah sure" Ellie smiled back happily as he squeezed her hand.

A/n Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I apologise for how much was from the show but I didn't want to change events too much just add my own twist to them if that makes sense…


	8. Fix You

A/n I don't own Degrassi or Fix you by Coldplay 

Chapter 13: Fix you

_When you try your best but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want but not what you need  
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep   
Stuck in reverse._

And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

It was a bright Friday afternoon Ellie was heading towards her locker to put a few of her books away before she left to go home, she turned the corner to her locker and saw Sean waiting for her outside of it.

"Hey" He smiled giving her a quick kiss on the lips as she joined him "I've been hoping to catch you all day"

"Hey" she nodded back "What's up?"

"I was wondering if you would like to come to the Ravine tonight" Sean asked

"Yeah why not" Ellie smiled "now?"

"If you want" Sean nodded

"Just let me put these away first" Ellie nodded gesturing towards her books, she led Sean towards her locker, unlocked it and threw the books in before locking it again. "Shall we head off then?" she asked quickly as she finished turning the combination.

"Don't you need to ring home or anything?" Sean asked as they started towards the front doors.

"It doesn't matter. My Mom probably won't even notice I'm not there." Ellie shrugged rolling her eyes slightly.

"Oh ok" Sean nodded vaguely confused.

He shrugged off his confusion and took her hand, they left school and headed towards the ravine together hand in hand. When they arrived they met Jay and Alex who offered them both beers. Ellie took a can hesitantly wanting to fit in for Sean's sake, she took a sip and cringed a little as the foul tasting liquid hit the back of her throat, she wrinkled her nose and resigned herself to just holding it. They stood around with Jay and Alex for awhile talking about stuff and then she went for a short walk round the ravine with Sean who introduced her too a couple of other people as they walked.

"Something wrong with your beer, Red?" Jay asked as they re-joined him and Alex at his car "you haven't finished it yet."

"No, there's nothing wrong with it" Ellie pressed the can to her lips and took a long drink from it to prove that she was drinking it. She couldn't help but pull a face as she swallowed, Jay laughed at the face she pulled as did Alex.

"Here I think you'd prefer this" Alex commented handing her a bottle of vodka mixed with coke. Jay took her beer can from her and downed the contents in one gulp burping loudly afterwards. She nervously took a sip of the vodka and coke, it didn't taste anywhere near as bad as the beer so as they talked she drank a bit more and then she found herself drinking more still until half the bottle was gone. She went to take another swig but realised what she was doing. The bottle dropped from her grasp and fell to the floor.

"Ellie are you ok?" Sean asked as the bottle smashed and he saw her face.

"Fine" she said shrugging off his question, inside she wanted to scream, she'd broken the one promise too herself she never wanted to break, she was going to turn into her mother.

Sean turned his attention back to Jay who was talking and Ellie tried to take her chance and slip away unnoticed. She started off walking slowly but then sped up faster and faster before she came to a clearing in the trees. Falling down to her knees she let the tears fall from her eyes. She was about to pull out her phone and remove the razor from inside the case when she felt her stomach churn and found herself throwing up instead.

---

Sean saw Ellie departing out of the corner of his eyes and watched her back ignoring the fact Jay was still speaking. He put his can down headed in the direction she had gone and eventually found her on her knees retching and spluttering, her face white.

"Ellie?" He asked softly coming up beside her, She looked up and him as she wiped her mouth with the back of her arm and quickly tried to stand up and walk away but she ended up leaning on a tree for support, the vodka taking effect.

"You ok?" He asked coming over to her side

"Sorry" she muttered trying to hide the fact she was shaking from him. She tried to walk away but he wrapped her in his arms around her holding her in place. She clung onto him for a minute before looking up in his eyes and trying to push away. she needed to cut, she needed to get out of there, she was so stupid.

"I shouldn't have come out, I should go" She muttered avoiding his eyes

"What do you mean?" Sean asked forcing her to look into his eyes he saw tears of frustration and anger forming "What's the Matter El?"

"I'm turning into her" She blurted out pulling back again as she realised what she had said, this time she had pulled back much more forcefully and had broken free from Sean's grasp.

"Into who?" he asked curiously as she backed away unable to believe what she had just blurted out. She responded by simply turning to the tree next to her and punching it hard.

"Woah, El" Sean said grabbing her wrist as she tried to punch it again. He tried to pull her close but she was fighting him.

"Calm down" Sean said worriedly as she squirmed trying to free herself from his grasp. "Why don't we go back to mine for a bit?" he asked as she stopped squirming and started glaring at him for holding her, her eyes softened a little and she nodded slightly. Sean took her hand quite firmly and led her away from the ravine back to the apartment he shared with his brother Tracker. Opening the door he led her in, thankful that Tracker, as usual, appeared to be out. He led her to the sofa where she sat down looking round the apartment, beginning to regret what had happened in the woods as she began to sober up a bit.

"Do you want a drink?" Sean said breaking the silence

"Sure" She nodded nervously

"What do you want?" Sean asked going through to the kitchen area

"What've you got?" she replied looking over the back of the sofa at him

"Chocolate milk, Hot chocolate, tea, coffee, orange…" Sean listed as he glanced in the fridge

"I'll have a Hot chocolate please" Ellie told him

Sean quickly boiled up the kettle and made Ellie and himself a hot chocolate each. He took the cups over to her and passed her one of them before taking a seat on the sofa next to her.

"Are you ok?" he asked as she sipped at her drink.

"Yep" Ellie snapped back quickly.

"What you said down in the Ravine…" Sean started "About turning into someone or something, what did you mean?"

"It's nothing" Ellie she replied not meeting his eyes

"It was obviously something if it made you that upset" Sean pointed out

"I Don't want to talk about it" Ellie replied defensively "Can I use your bathroom" she asked her voice emotionless as she placed the hot chocolate on the coffee table

"Sure, it's through there" Sean pointed through towards the bathroom and Ellie stood up and headed into it locking the door behind her. She slumped down against his bath and pulled out her cell phone from her pocket, removing the back a blade clattered to the floor, She picked it up examining it and rolled up her sleeve.

Sean cleaned up the cups and slumped back down on the sofa, rubbing his eyes, he wished she would share what ever it was that was bothering her he wanted to see if he could help. He started to do some washing up wondering why Ellie was taking such a long time, Maybe she was just getting herself together or got sick again. He rinsed of a knife and placed it in the drying rack, suddenly a horrid thought crossed his mind as he remembered back to when they were on the roof in detention, maybe she was cutting. He dried his hands quickly on a towel and knocked on the bathroom door, he heard a small clatter before she spoke.

"Just a second" Ellie snapped trying to hide the panic in her voice

"Ellie are you ok?" Sean asked worriedly

"Fine" Ellie said flushing the toilet and appearing at the door looking slightly red and nervous.

"Show me your arm" Sean told her blocking the door way

"Why would I do that" Ellie sharply trying to look confused but Sean could see panic in her eyes. Sean lent over and pulled her sleeve up by himself revealing a line of deep fresh cuts which were still bleeding.

"I thought you were having meetings with Sauve?" He asked her confusion and a slight hint of anger in his voice.

"I am" Ellie told him sharply pulling her arm away from his grasp.

"Then why are you still doing it?" Sean asked confused

"Its more complicated than that" Ellie sighed sitting down on the bath. Sean came over and sat down next to her.

"Why is it more complicated?" Sean asked wanting to understand why she was still hurting herself.

"Because I don't want to stop, not yet, I need this" she told him defiantly

"You need to stop Ellie its dangerous. Have you seen how deep these are?" he commented taking her arm again "You have to stop, for me, please." Sean pleaded looking her in the eyes she looked at the floor.

"I can't" she whispered

"You can, I know you can." Sean told her "you don't need to hurt yourself" he squeezed her hand tightly "whenever you feel like doing this" He gestured at her arm "come to me ok, ring me, hammer on the door at three in the morning if you want. Just try and stop." Ellie bit her lip she couldn't stop, not yet, but she couldn't hurt him. She gave a sort of half nod and He placed a soft kiss on her lips, She returned the kiss pushing the thought that she was lying to him to the back of her mind, she knew she wasn't anywhere close to stopping. "I Care about you El and I want you to get better ok?" he brushed a strand of hair from her eyes and looked back down at her arm "Now let me get you cleaned up."

---

Ellie placed her head tiredly on Sean's pillow as he turned off the light and lay down next to her wrapping his warm arms around her, Ellie's eyes fluttered shut and for the first time in awhile she fell asleep feeling safe and warm. Sean watched her sleeping in his arms, he couldn't explain how he felt for the girl he was holding it had been like an instant connection between them a spark, like they were meant to be together, all the dates since their first meeting only confirmed this fact in Sean's mind, he felt something for Ellie that he had never felt for anyone else before. He traced the bandages on her arm with a finger wishing he could do more help fix her so she could be as happy as he was right now.

---

Ellie stirred as she felt the bed move, confused she blinked open an eye and saw Sean sitting on the bed next to her yawning tiredly. She realised where she was and pulled herself into an upright position, spotting the bandages on her arm a wave of guilt flooded her.

"Morning" He said his voice hoarse as he realised she was awake. He lent over and placed a kiss on her lips and stood back smiling. Ellie returned the kiss and his smile before she looked around his room for the first time in daylight taking in the mess around her, she could have guessed Sean would be the type to have a messy room, she smiled a little at the thought.

"Want to come get some breakfast?" Sean offered and she nodded swinging her legs out of the bed and adjusting the baggy jogging bottoms he had lent her to sleep in. He took her hand and led her through to the living area where his older brother Tracker was lying across the sofa eating some cereal. He looked over taking in the pair as they left Sean's room.

"Sean you didn't say you were having anyone stay over" he said sitting up, a hint of anger in his voice

"Oh sorry Tracker" Sean shrugged gesturing for Ellie to take a seat at the old table "This is my girlfriend Ellie, Ellie this is Tracker"

"Next time bro ok?" Tracker said getting up "Nice to meet you Ellie, I'm going to go get ready for work"

"Sorry about him" Sean shrugged as Trackers bedroom door slammed "What would you like to eat?"

"What've you got?" Ellie asked as she sat.

"Cereal, toast, nothing fancy I'm afraid" Sean shrugged heading into the kitchen area.

"Toast would be nice" Ellie told him and he nodded immediately taking out the bread and putting two slices in the toaster, he then bustled round the kitchen pouring himself a bowl of cereal and…

"Chocolate milk?" Ellie asked raising an eyebrow as she watched him pour the brown liquid over the cereal

"Makes it taste nicer" Sean shrugged as she laughed "here try it" he brought his bowl over, he scooped up some of the mixture and fed it to her.

"That's actually quite nice" Ellie commented with a small laugh as he returned to the kitchen to put her toast on a plate "It's not exactly the healthiest breakfast in the world though."

"So?" Sean shrugged "What do you want on your toast?" he asked looking in one of the cupboards "We have Jam, chocolate spread, butter…"

"Jam please" Ellie replied watching him pull the jar out and haphazardly spread some on the slices of toast before putting the plate down in front of her. He then headed back into the kitchen and returned with the bottle of chocolate milk and two glasses. He made a gesture at the bottle as if to ask of Ellie wanted some and she nodded.

"Are you addicted to that stuff or something?" she commented as he sat down and poured them each a glass

"Might be" He winked as he picked up his own glass and took a long drink. Tracker re-appeared telling Sean off for his choice of breakfast as he hurried out of the flat to go to work, the first time he forgot his keys and hurried back in five minutes later to grab them before leaving properly.

"I should get dressed and go" Ellie said as she finished her last piece of toast and drained her cup.

"Can't you stay for awhile?" Sean asked her as he finished his own breakfast

"Sorry, I really need to get home" Ellie said wishing she could actually stay with Sean, but had to check up on her mom.

"Ok well lets get dressed and I'll walk you" Sean said standing up and clearing the dishes into the sink.

"You don't have to" Ellie protested standing up too

"But I want to" Sean told her "Why don't you go get dressed while I sort these out."

Ellie sighed and headed back into his bedroom; she pulled on her clothes from the day before and picked up her bag before returning to the living area.

"Give me a sec" Sean told her hurrying into the room where she had just come out of. Ellie fixed her hair into a side pony tail while he changed and He returned a couple of minutes later pulling his hat over his hair to cover up the fact he hadn't brushed it. "Ready" he asked picking up his keys

"As I'll ever be" she muttered leading the way out of the apartment.

They walked hand in hand towards Ellie's house as they reached her house Ellie broke away from Sean's Grasp and climbed the steps, he followed and she turned to face him wishing he would just go so he wouldn't see her drunken mother. She pressed her lips to his in quick goodbye kiss just as the door next to them flew open.

"Eleanor Nash get inside this minute!" her mom yelled angrily flinging the door open waving a half-full bottle of vodka. Her sudden yelling made Ellie pull away from Sean and blush as she tried to make him leave but he was too busy looking at her mother a confused and worried look on his face.

Ellie's mom grabbed her arm, tears threatened to fall from Ellie's eyes as she felt some of the cuts from the night before re-opening themselves as her grasp tightened. She pulled her daughter into the house before turning to Sean.

"Stay away from my daughter" she spat before slamming the door in his face.

Sean stood on the door step for a minute shocked at Ellie's mom's behaviour before stuffing his hands in his pockets and heading back towards the apartment. The scene on the doorstep with Ellie's mom was replaying in his mind as he walked. He wondered if she was reason Ellie didn't want him to walk her home, the way she had been carrying a bottle of vodka reminded him on his own parents back in Wasaga and he wouldn't wish living with alcoholic parents on anyone especially someone as special as Ellie.

---

Ellie flinched as the door slammed and her mother turned face her.

"Where have you been?" she yelled "You stay out all night, you don't even think to call and you turn up with some _boy…_"

"He's my boyfriend Mom" Ellie interrupted her rant

"Don't interrupt me" she yelled pushing Ellie backwards, she stumbled and landed on the phone table breaking it in half "I'm your mother! I expect you to respect me, Go to your room! You're grounded." She stumbled out of the hallway back into the living room downing some more vodka.

Ellie bit her lip and pushed herself up and off the now broken table. She held her back as pain shot through it. Climbing the stairs slowly and headed straight for the bathroom where she automatically pulled out a Razor, sitting on the edge of the bath she rolled up her sleeve and saw the bandage, Sean's words the night before came flooding back to her mind but she ignored them, she removed the bandage and saw the re-opened wounds from the night before instead of adding more She pulled up her other sleeve and pressed the blade down over and over. It clattered to the floor covered in blood and she let the tears she had been holding back finally fall.

---

Sean rubbed his eyes as a faint knocking disturbed him from the nap he had been taking on the couch. He sat up wondering if there was actually someone at the door or not, he scratched his head and suddenly there it was again, a quiet knocking. Sean stood up and opened the door to see who was there.

"Ellie?" he asked spotting the familiar red head "What are you doing here? Your mom seemed mad; I didn't think I'd see you again till Monday."

"Sorry about earlier she was drunk" Ellie said rolling her eyes, Sean stood aside and let her come inside she took a seat at the able where they had sat earlier eating breakfast. "I was bored, thought I'd come and see what you were up to" Ellie lied, really she had just wanted to get away from her mother for awhile but she wasn't going to tell Sean that.

"Does she drink a lot?" Sean asked taking the seat next to her Ellie didn't reply instead she became very interested in a pizza advertisement lying on the table. She had hoped he wouldn't start questioning her about earlier, she didn't really want to answer questions about her mom right now she decided if she ignored him maybe he would give up.

"My parents used to drink a lot when I lived with them" Sean told her and she looked up "I used to come back from school and they'd be laid around the living room with empty bottles scattered around them, Tracker was more of a parent to me than they ever were…"

Ellie looked a little take aback by what Sean had just said. She hadn't expected him to tell her his parents drank. She pondered her response before deciding he'd probably understand if she told him about her mom, he already knew about her cutting so why not her mom too.

"Mom's always drunk now dad's gone; she's only ever sober when she goes out to by more alcohol…" Ellie told him watching his face for his response, she saw the sadness in his eyes as she admitted it.

"You shouldn't have to deal with that" Sean said taking her hand and squeezing it tightly.

"Is there another reason you're here?" he asked glancing at her arms wondering if she had felt like cutting after her mom's scene she bit her lip. "You already cut didn't you?" he asked realising what her hesitancy might mean. She nodded. "don't worry about it" Sean said squeezing her hand again. "Why did you do it?" 

"Mom…" Ellie said trying to explain but she couldn't bring herself to tell him what had happened when the door had shut.

"I get it, she puts a lot of pressure on you? my parents used to put a lot of pressure on me, I used to get drunk too and I couldn't never control my emotions, I actually punched a kid one time and made him deaf, not my proudest moment…" Sean told her Ellie nodded along, it was true her mom put a lot of pressure on her so it wasn't a complete lie, it did however surprise her to hear about Sean punching a kid, now she thought of it she didn't know a huge amount about Sean's past and he didn't know much about hers either.

"She was one of the reasons I started…" she confessed

"Fits" Sean nodded "You want to stay again?" he added she paused then nodded hesitantly

"I don't want to go back there today" she told him thinking about her mom's mood swings.

"Then you don't have too" Sean pulled her into a hug and Ellie winced a little.

"You ok?" he asked

"Fine" she covered quickly

"Sure?" Sean asked

"Positive" she replied as he raised an eyebrow curiously before standing up.

He led the way over to the sofa and she sat down as he hunted around the area looking for the television remote she watched him as he looked under the edge of the chairs, everything was so simple here Ellie couldn't help but smile as he raised his arm triumphantly and slumped down on the sofa next to her. They flicked through the channels eventually settling on a random cartoon, Ellie rested her head on Sean's chest and his rhythmic breathing soon made her doze off.

As the cartoon finished Sean realised Ellie was asleep, he carefully removed himself from underneath her and nudged her awake, she sat up yawning and he suggested she went to bed for a bit and Ellie agreed tiredly. Sean led her through to his bedroom, she climbed willingly into his comfy bed and he tucked her in kissing her on the head.

As Sean watched Ellie dose off he heard the door to the apartment open, guessing Tracker was back from work he headed back into the living area and saw Tracker placing a pizza box down on the side.

"Ellie's Staying over again" Sean told him as he entered the room

"Again doesn't she have a home to go to?" Tracker asked "Where is she anyway?" he added glancing round the room.

"Asleep" Sean said gesturing toward his room "I think she's having a hard time at home"

"Right, but no funny business ok?" Tracker said lifting the lid of the box of Pizza

"No funny business, _Mom_" Sean laughed emphasising the last word

"Aren't you going to wake her and see if she wants some tea?" Tracker suggested as Sean stuffed a slice of pizza in his mouth

"Mumf momfly mumft…" Sean started trying to talk with his mouth full

"Swallow _Then_ speak Sean" Tracker interrupted him shaking his head Sean swallowed the mouthful

"She only just fell asleep again" Sean told him taking a seat on the sofa with another slice of pizza.

"Ok bro, I'm going out again tonight" Tracker told him ruffling his hair gaining himself a glare before he headed into his own bedroom.

Sean yawned tiredly and drained his glass of chocolate milk before putting it in the sink and heading through to his room, he pushed the door open and looked at Ellie sleeping peacefully on his bed. He quickly pulled off his jeans and tops so he was just in his boxers, which was what the usually slept in before He looked over to the bed again and the girl tucked up in it. He kissed her softly the top of her head and climbed into the bed next to her, sometimes

---

Ellie knocked on the door of Sauve's office the following Friday

"Hello Ellie" Sauve smiled opening the door Ellie nodded in response and slipped inside sinking into her usual chair. "How are things going?" Sauve asked shutting the door and coming over to the other empty seat.

"Ok I guess" Ellie shrugged

"What've you been up too?" Sauve questioned her as she removed her notebook from the desk and took a seat.

"Working on my projects, Looking after Mom, Hanging around with Sean…" Ellie told her

"So things are going well between you and Sean? You've been together a few weeks now haven't you?" Sauve questioned "

"Yeah, there ok, well mostly" Ellie told her

"Anything you want to talk about?" Sauve asked

"Well it's just, Sean caught me cutting at the weekend, he thought because I was seeing you I had stopped and when I tried to explain I can't stop, not yet, he didn't seem to understand what I was saying, he just kept trying to persuade me I didn't need to cut and that I should go to him rather than cutting and promise him I'll try and stop" Ellie told her quickly a hint of frustration in her voice

"Maybe you could sit him down and talk him through why you're not stopping?" Sauve suggested

"What so he'll think I'm a stupid suicidal freak?" Ellie shot back angrily

"No Ellie, I'm just saying that you want him to understand why you do it and why your continuing to do it so that he can see why pushing you to stop isn't going to help. You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to" Sauve told her

"I know but its So Frustrating because I want to tell him I will go to him and I want to promise him I'll stop but it's a promise I can't keep and I don't want to make it till I think I can keep it." Ellie told her with a sigh.

"Well at least you know, when you want to try and stop, when you feel ready to stop you will have a shoulder to lean on, he sounds like a really decent guy" Sauve told her truthfully

"I Know, Maybe I should have a talk with him about everything." Ellie nodded "But I don't want to scare him off…" 

"You won't scare him of, if he's as good a boyfriend as he sounds I highly doubt he's going to run away from you because of your problems. Why don't we discuss what you want to tell him so you know what your going to say?" Sauve suggested

"That sounds like a good idea." Ellie agreed

"Well what does he know about already?" Sauve asked

"My Cutting, My Mom and My Dad being away." Ellie told her "I don't want to tell him about before cutting, about the thought's and stuff" Ellie added

"Don't you think he should have a brief but Detailed taste of what led you to Cutting?" Sauve suggested "I know you're scared he'll run away and leave you but it would help him understand a lot more easily if you can tell him a little about it."

"I guess but I'll scare him of" Ellie said a hint of annoyance in her voice "He won't want to stick with me if he knows the truth; I'm surprised he even puts up with the fact I cut."

"Maybe he'll surprise you, if he knows more he can be more supportive and I'm sure he would appreciate being in the loop of what's gong on with you, especially if you really mean something to him." Sauve told her

"I Guess" Ellie sighed "Should I tell him how I felt before and then what led to my first cut?"

"Then maybe you could explain why it helps you and that one day you want to work on stopping once you've worked on the issues behind the Cutting first." Sauve suggested

"Yeah, Maybe I should tell him more of the back story to Mom's drinking while Dad was away" Ellie suggested

"If you feel comfortable telling him about that then yes, that would probably be a good idea too, just tell him what you feel comfortable telling him but make sure you try and tell him about the thoughts, what led to the first cut, why it helps you and why your not trying to stop yet." Sauve told her "We can finish there unless there's anything else you want to discus?"

"I don't think so" Ellie said standing up

"Try and have that talk before next week, then we can discuss what happens ok?" Sauve asked her

"Ok" Ellie nodded

"I'm here if you need to come back sooner, you know where to find me" Sauve told her "and good luck I'm sure he won't react badly, I bet he'll just be pleased you feel able to open up to him"

"I Hope so" Ellie replied as she slipped out of the room. Taking a deep breath she decided that the best idea would be to confront Sean and have the talk sooner rather than later, before she chickened out, making her decision she sped up and left the school building to head towards Sean's apartment.

Ellie pushed her nerves to one side and knocked on the door to Sean's Apartment. Sean pulled open the door with his mouthful of Pizza holding a slice in his hand a confused look crossed his face as he spotted Ellie.

"Mumf youmph domufhing meumph?" He asked with his mouthful

"Pardon?" Ellie asked raising an eyebrow and he swallowed his mouthful and she rolled her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He asked again

"We need to talk" Ellie told him glancing down at her feet

"You're dumping me?" Sean asked a hint of worry in his voice

"No, No of Course not, but it's important, you'll probably want to dump me after but that's a different matter" Ellie shrugged

"Ok we can go in my room, Trackers watching television" Sean told her

"Ok" She nodded

"Want some pizza?" he asked as she stepped inside

"No thanks" She replied wrinkling her nose at the pepperoni pizza on the table as they passed it on the way to his bedroom. Shutting the door firmly behind them Sean turned to Ellie who had sat down on his bed as soon as they entered.

"So what is it?" Sean asked confused sitting down next to her, Ellie pondered how to start talking about the subject for a second before she started.

"Sauve suggested I talked to you properly, It's about…" Ellie started before pausing and taking a deep breath "Sorry, this is hard for me to talk about." She added with a sigh looking down at her hands "But we need to talk about it. You should know." 

"Go on I'm listening" Sean told her taking her hand and giving it a squeeze to show her he was listening.

"It's about my Cutting." Ellie told him letting the words slip out of her mouth quickly instantly drawing Sean's full attention to her. "I want you to know why I can't stop because I know you mean well when you're saying you want me to come to you and you want me to stop and stuff but at the moment it's likely to do more damage than good." 

"More damage than good?" Sean asked worried "what do you mean?"

"I bet you'll think I'm a psycho when I tell you." Ellie sighed and He gave her a slight confused look

"I'd never think you were a psycho" Sean assured her

"Well I guess everything started when my Dad left for the first time when I was six, that's when my mom started to drink." Ellie started nervously "When Mom was drunk I found things really hard, I used to end up spending all my time looking after her and basically later on I ended up hating living, I felt alone and horrible because I wasn't enough to stop my mom from drinking herself stupid. I was failing at school because I skipped it so much to look after her or just because I couldn't bring myself to go. Some mornings I didn't want to get out of bed, I just wanted to curl up and die but when things were getting to the worst point I was starting to actually think about killing myself." Ellie admitted nervously pausing to take in Sean's reaction, he took her hand a squeezed it encouraging her to go on, she took a deep breath and carried on "But that's when Dad came back, She'd always be sober when he was home so he didn't know she drank, it was like a secret between us, but this time dad came home early from his mission and found her passed out on the sofa. He was angry at her and made her admit she had a problem. He decided to take leave from the army and stuck around to look after me while he forced her into rehab. Once she was supposedly better he moved us away, to here for a fresh start. Everything was going really well So he went back to the army and got put on this peace keeping mission he's on now, before he left he convinced me she wouldn't start again but she did. I couldn't bring myself to tell him because he doesn't need to worry about her when he's working and its not like there's anything he could do to stop her drinking herself stupid when he's not around anyway, because I don't think she wants to stop. Anyway when she started again things went down hill pretty quickly for me too, I started wanting to kill myself again and that's when I started to cut. Cutting stopped me from wanting to kill myself, it gave me a way to deal, It made everything go away for a bit." Ellie told him and he nodded "I know I need to stop it but I need to work on the problems behind why I do it first because otherwise I might go back to not having a way to deal and I'm scared that I might end up falling back into the same hatred of life but this time I'm scared I might actually get round to killing myself." Sean sat stunned for a minute not knowing what to say at the revelation Ellie had thought about killing herself and exactly how bad her mothers drinking really was.

"You're not a psycho" Sean told her softly squeezing her hand she could see tears in his eyes "I'd rather you didn't have to cut, I wish you could just stop and I could make everything go away" Sean told her squeezing her hand she could see tears in his eyes "If you still feel like you have to cut, Just be careful, I don't want to find you slipped up and did some serious damage ok?" Ellie nodded "Just promise me you'll work on your problems and try and stop."

"I will" Ellie said softly "It's just not as simple as stopping for me, I just wanted you to see that"

"I'm sorry I tried to force you to stop but I was and still am worried about you, I'll be here whenever you need me, if you want help working on your problems and when you finally decided it's the right time to stop, I will always be here. I know we've not been together long but there's something about you Ellie. I Love you" He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug

"I love you too" Ellie said letting a few nervous tears escape her eyes.

"I'm so glad you decided to share that with me" Sean told her kissing the top of her head gently "I Know it must have been hard." She lent into his arms, too her it felt weird having someone know nearly everything about her, but at the same time it was comforting, she wasn't going to tell him about her mom's mood swings, they were just a part of her mother's drunkenness; it happened, she didn't need to give him anything else to worry about.

Sean looked down at the small red head in his arms, he ran his hand up her arm thinking about everything she had just told him, he wished he could just make everything better for her so she didn't have to deal with anything other than normal teenager problems, not drunken parents and looking after herself.

A/n Thanks to my reviewers :) Sorry for amount of time its taking me to update at the moment (thought hopefully the next chapter will be up very soon because its nearly finished already!) things are still a little up in the air with my dad at the moment even though he's home from hospital and I'm also busy sorting my bedroom out (I'm getting it totally re-done) soon I'll be having driving lessons too (as soon as I get my provisional licence) which is quite scary! I also have a very busy week next week, it's my 18th birthday on Tuesday, my college assessment for the course I want to go onto on Wednesday, my college graduation practice on Thursday and the actual graduation on Friday… so I'll probably try and post the next chapter tomorrow or at the weekend.


	9. When Your Heart Stops Beating

A/n I don't own Degrassi or When your heart stops beating by Plus 44 

Chapter 8: When Your Heart Stops Beating 

_Turn it up I never wanna go home  
I only wanna be part of your breakdown.  
She got caught by the four on the floor  
I picked her up  
And she'll never get let down._

Ellie deposited the final empty bottle from the living room in the trash in the kitchen contemplating her earlier session with Sauve, who had spent the first half of the session congratulating her on being able to share her problems with Sean and saying how she was glad he was still willing to support her. She opened the fridge and wrinkled her nose as she pulled out a mouldy tub of something and deposited it in the bin, digging around the fridge and cupboards she managed to find some bread and cheese and set about making herself a toasted sandwich. She was half way through making it when the phone rang causing her to jump and knock the plate and half finished sandwich to the floor. Muttering irritably and cursing herself for being so jumpy, she headed into the hallway and picked up the phone off the new table that she had replaced the old broken one from last weekend with.

"Nash residence" She said irritably.

"Hey Ellie" Marco cheerful voice echoed down the phone

"Oh Hey Marco" Ellie replied wondering what he wanted

"I've got a new movie and I wondered if you wanted to come over and have some tea and watch it?" Marco asked

"What now?" Ellie asked

"Well, yeah if you're not busy…" Marco told her

"Erm…" Ellie pondered the thought; the smashed plate on the floor in the kitchen caught her eye and she glanced into the living room at her passed out mother, she had nothing better to do right now and she hadn't hung out with Marco in awhile "Sure I'll see you in ten"

"Ok" Marco replied cheerfully "See you in a few"

Ellie hung up the phone and quickly tidied the mess in the kitchen up before grabbing her coat and heading over to Marco's. She knocked on the door and Marco opened it letting her into the warm house. She pulled off her coat and Marco took it off her and hung it on a peg.

"Ma's just putting dinner out" Marco told her opening the door to the kitchen where his dad was sat at the table and his mom was serving up a delicious looking pasta meal.

"Hello Ellie" Marco's mom smiled looking up "How are you dear?"

"I'm good thanks Mrs Del Rossi" Ellie forced a small smile as she took the seat Marco offered her. Marco took the seat next to her and his Mom took the third empty seat. They all tucked in and Ellie savoured the taste of the food wishing half heartedly that her mother cooked home cooked meals all the time for her like Marco's did.

"Marco why don't you bring girls round more often?" Marco's dad suddenly burst out breaking the silence that had surrounded the table since they had started to eat.

"He doesn't have to bring all his girlfriends home for dinner." Marco's mom told him "You go out with that Paige girl a lot don't you Marco."

"Er… yeah ma" Marco replied as Ellie raised an eyebrow and hid a small laugh at the thought of Paige and Marco being a couple.

"Why don't you bring her back for dinner then" Marco's dad asked bluntly

"You shouldn't say that in front of His girlfriend" Marco's mom told him

"She's not the dinner type Pa" Marco improvised breaking up the argument he saw coming "And Ma me and El aren't going out we're just friends, she has a boyfriend." he added "You know that"

"Still Marco you should be out with all the girls, a handsome young man like you." Marco's dad added, Marco shoved the last piece of pasta in his mouth and stood up.

"Ready for some Movie time?" He asked Ellie his face slightly red

"Sure" Ellie said quickly cleaning her plate and standing up too "Thanks for the food Mrs Del Rossi it was delicious"

"No problem dear" Mrs Del Rossi smiled as they left the room.

Ellie distinctly heard Marco's mom telling his dad of for pressuring him as they left the room.

"I am so, so sorry about that" Marco said rolling his eyes at his parents behaviour.

"You need to tell them." Ellie pointed out a small smile crossing her face as she shook her head.

"I know but I'm still not ready for that yet." Marco said with a sigh as he pushed the DVD into the player "I can't believe they started with you here again though, it's so embarrassing"

"You and Paige, that's got to be one of the best ones I've heard all year" Ellie said with a smirk holding back her laughter.

"I bet it's because every time I go out with Dylan I usually say I'm going out with Paige…" Marco told her sitting back next to her on the couch

"Considering how much time you spend with Dylan I can see why they are suspicious." Ellie laughed

"Anyway How are you?" Marco asked as the movie flicked through some adverts.

"Good" Ellie replied

"Did you have a meeting with Sauve today?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I talked to Sean about some stuff and she was just asking if it went ok really."

"What sort of stuff?" Marco asked

"Just stuff" Ellie told him slightly defensively, she may have been ready to tell Sean but she wasn't sure about Marco, he was her best friend but he'd worry too much. "He's so great Marco." She added thoughtfully "He appreciates me and doesn't question why I am like I am."

"I'm glad things are going well between you, you're so much brighter and happier now you're with him, you can see how much you mean to each other." Marco smiled "But you know I'm always here too if you need me" he added as an after though as he placed an arm round her giving her a hug "Anything you need you can come to me too ok?"

"Thanks Marco" Ellie nodded gratefully with a small smile leaning into his one armed hug placing her head on his chest.

"No problem El" Marco replied. The movie began to start with the titles and they spent the hour watching it curled up together on the sofa.

"That reminded me a little of the movie we watched the other week" Ellie commented as she lifted herself off Marco stretching her arms and yawning a little.

"I think they are directed by the same person" Marco told her looking on the box "Yeah they are"

"God, it's five past ten I should really be off" Ellie said spotting them time as she stood up

"You sure?" Marco asked "You can stay over if you want?"

"I better not, got to go check up on Mom" Ellie rolled her eyes as Marco followed her out of the room into the corridor.

"I meant what I said earlier" Marco told her while she put her coat on "I'm always here"

"Thanks" Ellie nodded as he kissed her goodnight on the cheek.

"Take care" He said and she replied by giving him a hug and nodding.

Ellie pushed the door open quietly so not to wake her mother up if she happened to be asleep. Shutting it quietly behind her she removed her coat and hung it up before heading towards the living room door.

"Where have you been?" Ellie's mom yelled as Ellie looked in through the living room door.

"At Marco's" Ellie told her pushing the door open a little wider and watching her mom take a swig of whiskey from the glass in her hand before she stood up.

"And you don't think to tell me where you're going?" She yelled standing up and grabbing Ellie's arm twisting it until tears or pain sprung up in her eyes.

"I… You were asleep" Ellie said biting her lip

"Are you incapable of leaving a note?" She asked angrily

"No… I just… I Didn't think…" Ellie started

"To right you didn't think!" Her mom yelled angrily letting go off Ellie's arm and watching as she fell to the floor. "You Never think!" She shouted angrily as she kicked her hard in the ribs, Ellie spluttered and coughed as her foot collided with her chest. She shook her head before picking up the bottle of whiskey off the table and taking a long drink, Raising herself slightly Ellie watched her mom downing more alcohol from the bottle, She placed a hand on her chest and winced as a Jolt of pain shot through her body. She watched her mom slump back down on the sofa and seeing her chance she stood up and left the room quickly before her mom had time to protest. She climbed the stairs and she slipped into the bathroom heading straight for the cupboard above the sink she pulled out her razor.

---

The door bell rang as Ellie finished her last mouthful of toasted sandwich, wondering who would be spending their Saturday afternoon visiting her. She stepped into the hallway and opened the front door to see Sean stood on the doorstep.

"Afternoon" He smiled

"What are you doing here?" Ellie asked confused

"I wondered if you wanted to come hang out with us" Sean suggested gesturing towards Jay's car which was pulled up on the sidewalk.

"Oh, ok sure just give me a sec" Ellie replied heading back into the house, Sean followed her in and stood in the hallway while she hurried upstairs to pick up her bag and put on her boots.

Sean's eye was caught by the family pictures decorating the walls he smiled a little at a picture of Ellie as a toddler as he heard a moan from the living room. He turned round a looked in through the open door spotting Ellie's mom sat on the sofa absently pouring a glass of vodka for herself splashing more on the table than in the glass. He suddenly heard footsteps and Ellie re-appeared at the top of the stairs wearing her coat and carrying her bag over her shoulder.

"Lets go" She said in a low voice as she reached the bottom of the stairs wrinkling her nose as glanced in to the room Sean had just been looking in.

"Ok" Sean nodded as she took his hand lacing her fingers with his and leading him out the door which she shut quietly behind them. "I tried to call you last night but there was no answer" he added

"I was at Marco's he invited me over for a bit" Ellie told him "Sorry"

"No problem, as long as your ok" He said squeezing her hand "How did the meeting with Sauve go?"

"Good, she's really glad I managed to open up to you" Ellie told him as the neared the car "and I'm glad I did too"

"Me three" Sean smiled giving her a quick kiss on the lips as he opened the door to the car and heavy rap music blared out. Sean ignored the deafening music and held the seat forward so Ellie could get in. She clambered into the back and took the seat next to Alex.

"'Sup Vampy" Alex nodded as she entered

"'Sup Bitch" Ellie replied imitating Alex and the pair of them burst out laughing.

"You're one in a million Nash" Alex said once they started driving and the laughter had subsided.

"So where are we headed?" Sean asked

"The Montréal crew are having a get together tonight, I thought we could head down there" Jay smirked turning up the volume of his music as they continued to drive. "We'll probably have to stay there all night, So anyone got any objections? Ellie?"

"Hey, I'm just as much up for partying as everyone else! Anyway as long as its fun I don't care, right now I want fun!" Ellie smiled meeting Sean's eyes as he looked back at the girls. 'and I want to forget about my stupid drunk mother, the bruises from last night, my absent father and the scars on my wrists' she added silently to herself.

They drove for half an hour before Jay and Sean decided they were hungry and they pulled into a road side café.

"Do you two only ever think of your stomachs?" Alex asked as she climbed out of the back seat.

"No, I think about getting some too" Jay replied causing Alex hit him over the head

"Ow!" Jay complained

"Stop bickering like a married couple and Lets go get some food already" Sean said putting an arm round Ellie.

Alex pushed Jay towards the Café and he shot her an irritable look as he started to lead them towards the café. They walked into the café and up to the counter where Jay ordered a large beef burger meal, Sean ordered a Grilled chicken burger, Alex ordered a pasta dish and Ellie ordered a Veggie burger. After they ate the started to drive again and finally reached the Montréal crews get together at half past seven.

"Hey man" Jay greeted a dark haired guy who was stood by the door of the house they had pulled up outside. They did a fist punching type of greeting before Jay led the four of them into the house which was full of people alcohol and loud music. The Four of them picked up drinks, beers for the boys and Alex and a diet coke for Ellie. Jay was soon talking to some guy he knew from somewhere slurring his words a little as the alcohol took effect. Alex was hanging round his neck nibbling on his ear as he talked. Sean and Ellie joined several others on the dance floor and Ellie smiled happily, she was really enjoying herself all thoughts of what was going on back home had been pushed out of her mind as Her lips crashed into Sean's.

---

Ellie woke up on Sunday morning and found herself lying with Sean on an unfamiliar sofa. She looked up to see that Sean was awake too.

"Morning" he said kissing her on the top of her head

"Morning" Ellie replied with a smile sitting up and yawning

"We should find Jay and Alex so we can head back, Tracker will be wondering where I've gotten too" Sean said pulling off his hat and running a hand through his messy hair

"I doubt Mom will have notice I'm gone" Ellie shrugged adjusting her arm warmers "I'm glad we came up here. It was fun" she added

"I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself" Sean smiled

"It's nice to just be a normal teenager for awhile" Ellie sighed standing up "I didn't have to worry about anything but having fun last night"

"I wish I could just make things better for you" Sean blurted out "You deserve so much better" he added

"I wish you could too" Ellie commented quietly as Sean pulled her into a hug she winced slightly the bruise from two nights ago still sore.

"Are you ok?" Sean asked worried

"Fine" Ellie replied quickly picking up her coat.

"Are you sure?" Sean asked concerned turning her head to face him

"I'm sure" Ellie told him before placing a kiss on his lips.

"Sorry to interrupt such a beautiful moment but its time to head back already" Jay said loudly.

"Alright man, Where's Alex?" Sean said as they pulled apart

"In the car already, lets go" Jay replied leaving the room.

Sean took Ellie's hand and they walked out of the house towards Jay's car. He couldn't help wonder why Ellie had winced earlier, he hadn't thought he'd hugged her that tightly. One and a half hour of driving and a visit to yet another greasy roadside café later they pulled up outside Ellie's house.

"Here you go Red" Jay said

"Thanks" Ellie replied climbing out of the car

"You two want a lift to school tomorrow?" Jay offered as Sean clicked the seat back into place

"Sure It'll save me walking" Ellie replied with a shrug

"Right, we'll be round tomorrow morning then" Jay nodded

"I'll call you later" Sean said turning to Ellie and giving her a quick kiss

"Ok" Ellie smiled "It's been fun, See you later Jay, Alex."

"See you tomorrow Vampy" Alex replied and Jay nodded. Sean climbed back in the car and Ellie started walking up the path to her house. She turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open warily wondering if her Mom knew she had been gone all night or not. She put her bag on the stairs and slipped off her coat before looking into the living room.

"Ellie is that you?" her Mom asked looking over from the sofa where she was sat, a glass of vodka and coke in her hand.

"Yeh Mom" Ellie replied

"Where have you been?" She asked putting her glass down and standing up

"I stayed at Ash's" Ellie lied

"You didn't tell me you were going out, let alone staying at Ashley's, you didn't leave a note again and you left the whole house in a mess!" She yelled angrily Ellie backed up a little

"Sorry mom I'll do some cleaning now I'm back" Ellie replied

"Good" She said moving back to the sofa and picking up her glass again as she sat down

Ellie let out a sigh of relief she didn't know she was holding in and left the room. She moved into the kitchen and started to tidy up. By the evening she had washed up, mopped the floor, hovered the house and finished her maths and chemistry homework. She had some tea and checked in on her mother who was sleeping on the sofa, half empty bottles scattered across the table. Ellie sighed, she headed into the room and started to clean up a few of the bottles as she did she knocked one off the table, it hit the floor and broke. The noise of the bottle breaking woke Ellie's mom who sat up quicker than Ellie had seen her move in weeks, she spotted the bottled in Ellie's arms and jumped up.

"Put those down!" She screeched

"Mom, I'm just tidying up" Ellie told her putting the bottles back on the table and stepping back

"Look at the mess you've made!" She yelled angrily "Stealing my drinks"

"I wasn't…" Ellie started but she didn't get chance to finish her sentence as her mom had pushed her roughly against the door frame. She winced as the wood hit her back.

"Don't you dare try and steal from me again!" She spat

"I won't" Ellie mutter and her mom let her go, she fell to the floor and watched her mom walk drunkenly back to the table where she picked up a half empty bottle and downed the contents of it.

"Don't you go." Ellie Mom said as Ellie went to leave the room rubbing her back "Come back her Clean up the mess you made."

"I'm going to go get the dustpan and brush" Ellie replied putting her hand back on the door knob

"You don't need a dustpan and brush you just need to start cleaning up that mess!" she told her daughter picking up a second bottle

"But Mom its broken glass" Ellie protested

"Stop wining and clear up your mess!" she told her before she took a swig from the bottle and leaned back into the sofa.

Not wanting her Mom to get mad again she started to pick the pieces of glass up. It took her half an hour to be sure she had got it all and her hands were covered in little cuts by the time she was done, she cleaned them up and bandaged her left hand where a one of the pieces of glass had cut quite deeply into her palm. Deciding the best idea would be to say out of the way of her mom for the rest of the evening she slipped into her bedroom and had just changed into her Pyjamas as the phone rang. She got to the top of the stairs before she heard her mom answer it.

"Hello?" she asked Ellie stopped at the top of the stairs to listen to her mom's side of the conversation

"No she can't talk right now." She said angrily to the person on the other end of the line "we're waiting for a call from her dad, he could be calling right now while you're wasting our time keeping the line busy." she slammed the phone down

Ellie winced as the phone hit its stand and she watched as her mom headed back into the living slamming the door shut. She was tempted to sneak downstairs and call whoever had rung her back but she didn't want to get in trouble with her mom again so she headed back into her bedroom where she put on some music and slipped into bed.

A/n not the longest or most exciting of chapters but I just wanted to show a bit of Ellie/Marco friendship and Ellie and Sean hanging out with Jay and Alex. Plus I wanted to update while I have chance. I'm not sure how long it will be till I update again, it defiantly wont be till next weekend at the earliest but I'll be as quick as possible.


	10. Been So Long

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Been so long by Gob 

Chapter 9: Been so long 

_How I long to see your eyes, _

_Your eyes fill me up,_

_I breathe them inside._

_I have your image deep inside of me._

_I hold your picture, it's a part of me.  
It has been so long, without you there's no sun, just sky._

_I'm a wound that's bone deep, bled dry it has been so long._

Ellie's life had settled down into a regular pattern of school, Sean, cutting, caring for her mother and being on the end of her mothers alcohol related rage. Sauve was still attempting to persuade her to start taking steps in sorting out the problems behind her cutting but she was still refusing because it meant confronting her mom about her drinking and she knew she wasn't ready to do that yet.

It was just after dark and Ellie had just returned from Sean's apartment. As she locked the door of the house behind her the phone started to ring. She dropped her bag and picked up the receiver.

"Hello Nash Residence" Ellie said absentmindedly taking over her coat with one hand and holding the phone in the other

"Hi Sweetie" Ellie's dad's voice said cheerfully down the line

"Dad!" Ellie smiled happily dropping her coat on the stairs "How are you?"

"I'm good sweetie, how's everything back home?" he asked

"Everything's fine" Ellie lied playing with the phone chord

"That's good, I've got some great news! I've finally got leave and I'll be coming home in three weeks!" He told her

"Really?" Ellie asked in a slight state of disbelief not quiet believing what he was saying.

"Yeah things have really quietened down here we're barely even needed anymore, I suspect I won't have to come back here either" He told her

"I can't wait to see you again" Ellie smiled happily "I've missed you loads"

"I've missed you too and I can't wait to see you either sweetie" He told her "Is your mom around? I want to tell her the good news" 

"Yeah I'll just get her" Ellie told him deciding her mom defiantly had the right to find out he was coming back for herself.

"Mom!" Ellie said excitedly opening the living room door "dad's on the phone"

Ellie watched as her mom jumped up off the sofa as if she hadn't just drunk a litre of vodka and walked quickly over to the phone which Ellie held out to her. Ellie listened intently to her mother's side of the conversation.

"Dave?" She said down the line sounding soberer than she had done in days

"How are you?" She asked

"You're coming home?" Her mom said her face lighting up "three weeks? Oh Dave that's Fantastic."

Ellie shook her head and headed into the kitchen knowing her mom was about to spend half an hour to an hour trying to keep her dad talking until he really had to go. She helped herself to a sandwich and sat at the kitchen table munching contentedly once she had finished her tea and done some homework she settled down into her bed smiling to herself a little she had already started counting down the days till her dads return and she couldn't wait.

---

"Hello Ellie" Miss Sauve smiled as the opened the door to her office

Ellie couldn't hide her smile, she was so happy that her dad was coming back in just under three weeks, she had been grinning like an idiot all day though telling Marco, Paige and Ashley and even though getting a C on her latest maths test, it seemed that nothing could bring her down.

"You seem really happy today" Sauve commented as she pulled out her notebook

"I am" Ellie replied "My dad's coming home in three weeks"

"Oh that's wonderful" Sauve smiled knowing how happy it would make Ellie to see her dad again

"Miss Sauve?" Ellie said cautiously

"Yes Ellie?" Sauve asked

"I want to stop." She looked into the older woman's eyes not quite believing she was actually doing this "I want to stop before he comes back."

"Well stopping is a long process as I've said before and you might not ever be completely rid of the yourself of the urge to cut." Sauve reminded her "It's a day by day thing but if you've got the motivation I think you can do it."

"I don't expect to be completely better after three weeks, I just think now is the right time for me to try and stop." Ellie told her

"I think that's great" Sauve smiled. "Well I know you said you wanted to work on issues behind your cutting first and we have already worked on school work and talked about friends and pressure from them, your dad coming home solves another of them doesn't it? There's just…" 

"Mom" Ellie sighed "She'll stop drinking the day before he comes back, she always does."

"But that won't make the problem go away forever will it?" Sauve reminded her

"So what do you want me to do? confront her and end up getting…" Ellie started sharply but stopped when she realised what she was saying "I can't confront her"

"Maybe you should tell your dad and he can confront her" Sauve suggested "You could do with telling him about how him going away affects you and your mother anyway, he needs to know Ellie."

"I might mention how it makes me feel and I know I should talk to him, but I don't want him to find out about my cutting and I feel I owe it to mom not to tell him about her drinking." Ellie sighed

"Well it's your choice Ellie, I just don't want to see you go down the same path again if he has to leave again." Sauve told her

"I won't, I'm sure I wont. I'm going to get better so that of he ever goes again I won't slip back into my old habits." Ellie told her

"Well you seem determined to get better which is a good thing and I hope once you are you do never slip back into your old habits." Sauve nodded "Well since we're talking about stopping distraction is probably going to be the best method you could use to stop yourself from cutting, so perhaps you could play your guitar or drums, maybe do some writing or talk to someone."

"Yeah" Ellie nodded taking in Sauvé's advice

"There's another little method that some people find useful to distract them or as some see it replace cutting" Sauve said fiddling in her desk draw and pulling out a bag of elastic bands "Some people find it helps to snap an elastic band around their wrist when they feel like cutting."

"Thanks" Ellie said accepting the elastic bands "I'll try it"

"Now were nearly out of time but I want you to know that if you feel like cutting while your in school you can come and talk to me anytime ok?" Sauve told her

"Ok" Ellie agreed

"And you should try using the elastic band or any other distractions you can think of even talking to someone who knows about your cutting if you feel like doing it." Sauve suggested and Ellie nodded standing up

"I'm going to do this, for my dad" Ellie told her determinedly.

"Just one more thing" Sauve said pulling out a leaflet and handing it to Ellie "if you do confront your Mom you might want this, it's a leaflet about AA meeting in the Rec centre"

"Thanks" Ellie nodded "same time next week?" she added

"Same time next week" Sauve confirmed

Ellie left Sauve's office and looked at the leaflet in her hand. She doubted that she would get up the guts to confront her mother but it was there if she did. She slipped the leaflet in her bag and pulled the string shut, Chucking it on her shoulder she headed down the front steps of the school and began walking towards Sean's house. She arrived on his doorstep and knocked loudly.

"Hey" She smiled as he answered the door

"Hey El" He replied "what do you want?"

"I want to talk to you." She replied nervously

"Sure whats up?" Sean asked opening the door wider so she could slip inside. Ellie entered the house and put her bag and coat on the table before heading over to the sofa with Sean. "So what do you want to talk about" Sean asked as they sat down.

"I've just had my session with Sauve" Ellie told him "I told her I want to stop. It feels right with my dad coming back and everything but I wanted to tell you too. Get your support I guess."

"Oh El that's Great" Sean smiled pulling her into a hug "I'm always going to be here and you know that, anything you need you come to me got it?"

"Got it." Ellie smiled as he kissed her forehead

"Want to hang round for a bit and watch television?" Sean offered

"Yeah sure" Ellie agreed snuggling down in his arms contentedly everything felt like it was slipping into place, everything but her mothers drinking but Ellie was trying to forget about that.

---

A week later Ellie had managed to avoid cutting, the elastic band thing Sauve suggested was working well, whenever she felt like she was going to cut she'd snap it on her arm a few times and then usually ring Sean. Paige, Marco and Ashley had all been happy for her when she told them she was trying to stop and although it had returned Ashley to her constant talk of Sessions with Sauve and the idea of group therapy meetings, but still Ellie was glad she had told them all because it meant even if Sean was busy she had someone else to ring or talk to.

Ellie slipped into the house on Friday night after another session with Sauve who had been telling her how proud she was that she had gone a week without cutting.

"Where've you been?" Her mom asked drunkenly as she entered the house.

"Paige's" Ellie replied simply

"Well you should have been here, its two weeks till your dad gets back and its time you started tiding the house." She told Ellie drunkenly.

"Mom you should be cleaning not me." Ellie told the woman in front of her a hint of anger in her voice "You're my Mom, You should be looking after me and tiding up after me but I'm the one that's doing all the looking after and tiding up." She told the older woman bravely.

"Not now Ellie I have a headache, just tidy the kitchen" she told her daughter irritably

"No mom." Ellie said standing up to her mother for the first time since her dad had left. "I've had enough, You have a headache because you've spent the past six months completely off your face."

"Pardon!" her mom said angrily

"Mom if you don't stop drinking I'm going to have to tell dad when he gets back." Ellie told her matter of factly

"What? There's nothing wrong with my drinking!" She replied shaking her head, Ellie rolled her eyes at her Mom's denial.

"Yes there is!" Ellie told her angrily "You're killing yourself with that stuff. I'm sick of keeping your dirty little secret, you can either try and get better before dad comes home or the second I see him I'm going to tell him exactly what's been going on and he's not going to like it."

"I…" Her mom started before breaking down into tears "I'll try and get better please don't tell him" she begged

"Really?" Ellie asked wondering if it was actually going to happen.

"Really" She assured her

"I have a leaflet about AA meetings at the Rec centre, if you stop drinking, enrol and go to the sessions I won't tell him." Ellie told her passing her the AA leaflet Sauve had given her. "If you don't enrol, don't go the sessions and keep drinking I'll tell him"

"I'll do it ok." She replied "and If I do you promise you won't tell?"

"Not a word, ever." Ellie replied "It'll be our secret."

"You're a good girl Ellie, looking after me, I'm a rubbish mother" She said pulling Ellie into an awkward hug "I'm a mess, It's time I sorted myself out, we don't want your father to see me like this again."

"Yeah" Ellie agreed in a state of slight disbelief realising she had just confronted her mother "you can do it mom" Ellie added supportively hoping this time would be the time she finally stuck to her word.

---

Monday morning arrived and Ellie kissed Sean, who had walked her to school, goodbye before heading towards Marco who was putting something in his locker.

"Marco!" Ellie greeted her friend enthusiastically with a hug

"El!" Marco smiled back returning the hug "You seem happy this morning. What's going on?"

"Mom's going to go to AA Meetings." Ellie told him

"Oh Ellie that's great!" Marco said hugging her again Ellie just grinned in response "what with your dad coming back next Friday too…" Marco pointed out back "you totally deserve some happiness El"

"Thanks Marco" Ellie replied as Paige and Ashley approached them.

"Where's Ellie gone?" Paige asked jokingly "I haven't seen you so Happy in ages hun, what's happening?"

"My Mom's going to stop drinking and go to AA meetings" Ellie told her

"That's great El" Ashley smiled

"Yeah El it's fantastic" Paige nodded as they headed to homeroom together. The day passed quickly and final bell rang before Ellie knew it, she left Chemistry with Marco, Ashley and Paige and they headed towards their lockers discussing the chemistry test they had just sat. Sean was waiting outside her Locker for her and gave her a kiss when she arrived.

"Have a nice day?" He asked as she pulled away

"It was ok, English was a complete snooze fest..." she rolled her eyes as she opened her locker

"You guys want a lift back with us tonight?" Marco asked as Ellie locked her locker again

"Sorry I can't" Ellie replied "I need to go see Miss Sauve before I leave. I want to tell her about my mom"

"Oh Ok Els" Marco nodded "see you tomorrow"

"Yeah bye El" Paige agreed.

"See you later" Ashley added and the three of them headed off towards the entrance hall together.

Sean stayed with Ellie and walked her up to Sauve's office.

"I'll wait for you, we can get drinks at the dot after if you want" he suggested with a small smile leaning on the wall as Ellie nodded in agreement and knocked on Sauve's door.

"Ellie!" Miss Sauve Smiled opening the door "I did expect to see you today"

"Yeah I know" Ellie nodded "I just wanted to tell you something"

"Come in then" Sauve said opening the door a little wider to let her in

"I confronted mom last night." Ellie admitted as the door clicked shut. "I threatened to tell dad if she didn't try and get better, she's starting AA meetings tonight."

"Oh Ellie that's really good." Sauve smiled "Is everything else going ok?"

"Yeah, I still haven't cut and everyone's being so supportive." Ellie replied

"Well I'll see you on Friday then" Sauve smiled "unless you need to talk before then drop by if you want"

"Thanks" Ellie nodded back as she left the office. Sean stepped away room the wall and took her hand and they walked out of the school together and towards the dot where they had chocolate milkshakes before Ellie realised her mom would be wondering where she was.

"I best get going" She said as she stood up

"Wait a sec and I'll walk you" Sean told her

They reached Ellie and they exchanged a quick kiss before Ellie scuttled inside.

"Eleanor, your back late." Her mom said appearing from the kitchen. Ellie rolled her eyes, at least when her mom was drunk she didn't constantly question her every move.

"I went to the dot for a drink with Sean" Ellie said putting her bag on the stairs

"Well tea's ready come and lay the table." Her mom said disappearing back into the kitchen

Ellie paused before following her mom into the kitchen, it was really strange having her sober and it was going to take some getting used too. Ellie took out the knifes and forks and began to lay the table. Once she had done she sat down and her mother produced plates of Vegetarian lasagne for them both. Ellie was taken aback her mom even remember she was vegetarian, that was a first. After the initial shock had worn off She tucked into her meal hungrily realising as she ate her Mom wasn't actually that bad a cook when she was sober.

---

It was a Bright and sunny day at Degrassi. It reflected Ellie's mood perfectly. Her mom had been sober for two whole weeks and she hadn't cut in three. She had the boyfriend of her dreams, great friends and to top everything off her dad was coming home tonight. She enter the entrance hall hand and hand with Sean following Jay and Alex why had given them a lift to school. Jay and Alex headed off somewhere as Marco started to approach them.

"Ellie!" Marco said excitedly, Ellie let go of Sean's hand to return the hug Marco gave her.

"Hey Marco!" Ellie smiled as Sean draped his arm over her shoulder.

"So Tonight's the night!" Marco he nodded "Bet you can't wait!"

"No I can't" Ellie said cheerfully

The bell rang and Ellie hugged Sean goodbye before she headed to homeroom with Marco.

"Looking forward to tonight?" Paige asked as Ellie entered the classroom

"Yeah" Ellie smiled taking her seat next to Ashley

"What's tonight?" Ashley asked vaguely confused

"Dad's coming back" Ellie reminded her

"Oh I completely forgot!" Ashley smiled

"It feels like forever since he was home." Ellie sighed as Marco sat down on the seat the other side of her

"Ok everyone settle down!" Miss Kwan said as she entered the room.

The day seemed to past slower than Ellie thought physically possible, the last bell seemed like it would never come but finally the day drew to a close. The final bell went and she hurried out of down to her locker where she quickly put her books away and then She climbed down the stairs to her mom's car which was pulled up on the sidewalk outside.

"Ready?" Ellie's mom asked as she climbed into the car.

"Yeah" Ellie smiled and her mom smiled back.

The journey was quiet and felt longer than it was. They arrived at the Meeting point and the sun was still beating down upon them. There was a small gathering of people waiting for the returning soldiers. After what seemed like forever an army coach rounded the corner. Ellie could feel the butterflies in her stomach she was so excited and nervous too. The first couple of men came down off the coach into the arms of their loved ones and then her dad finally appeared. He came down the steps and over to them. Ellie smiled as he hugged her Mom first and then came to Ellie.

"How's My little Ellie then?" He said pulling her into a hug "You've grown so much I could barely recognise you!"

"Hi Dad" Ellie smiled "I missed you"

"I missed you too sweetie" He smiled "So shall we get home?"

They got into the car and Ellie listened to her parents idle chat as they drove home. Her mom had kept her side of the deal so Ellie wasn't going to tell her dad what had been going on while he had been gone not that it made her feel any less guilty that she was keeping such a big secret from him. They arrived home and while Ellie's Dad unpacked and settled himself back into the family home Ellie's Mom cooked a family dinner. Ellie set the table and watched her mom bustling round the kitchen. Once it was ready they all sat down together and ate the meal, three weeks ago Ellie could never have dreamed this would be happening but now here she was eating a meal with her sober mother and her Father. She smiled contently as she chewed on her Vegetarian sausage, their family was back together and everything was really looking up.

a/n Thanks to all my reviewers, the next chapter should be up soon :)


	11. Me Against The World

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Me Against the World by Simple Plan

Chapter 10: Me against the World 

_We're not gonna be  
Just apart of their game  
We're not gonna be  
Just the victims  
They're taking our dreams  
And they tear them apart  
Til everyone's the same  
I've got no place to go  
I've got no where to run  
They love to watch me fall  
They think they know it all_

I'm a nightmare, a disaster  
That's what they always say  
I'm a lost cause, not a hero  
But I'll make it on my own  
I've gotta prove them wrong  
Me against the world  
It's me against the world

It was nearly a week since Ellie's dads return. Ellie brushed her hair quickly, picked up her bag and headed downstairs grabbing her coat from the peg in the entrance hall. She looked in the kitchen for any sign of either of her parents and then in the living room she found her father watching television.

"I'm going to school" Ellie said

"Ok Sweetie, have a good day." He said standing up from his chair and turning the television off.

"Will do." Ellie said headed out the door and walking quickly away from the house.

Once out of site she began to run toward school, she was late again.

"Stupid alarm clock" She muttered as she turned a corner and a car horn honked

"Ellie! Hey El!" Marcos voice yelled "Want a lift?" Ellie looked back to see Marco in the front seat of Dylan's car with Dylan driving and Paige in the back seat.

"Yes please" Ellie said. She jumped in the car gasping for breath. She pulled out her drinks bottle and took a long drink as the began driving.

"Hey Hun" Paige smiled as she put her bottle away

"Hey Paige." Ellie said doing her bag back up.

"How are things going with your dad?" Paige asked

"I feel like I'm living in a dream…" Ellie told her with a small smile

"Good then?" Paige smiled back

"Yeah everything's going really well, I'm go glad its back its made everything so much easier for me." Ellie replied

"That's great El" Marco told her from the front "You deserve it"

"Here we are!" Dylan said interrupting their conversation as they pulled up

"Thanks Dylan" Paige said hopping out of the car

"Thanks" Ellie nodded as she got out too

They all headed into school and Dylan split off from them to head towards his own homeroom not without a kiss goodbye from Marco first. Ellie, Paige and Marco headed into their own homeroom just as the morning announcements flicked onto the screens. They took their seats quickly and apologised to Miss Kwan before settling down to watch the announcements.

The bell for lunch break rang and Ellie split up from her friends and headed back to her locker to put her books away ready to go meet Sean for lunch like she usually did. But when she closed her locker she found Sean facing her.

"Hey" She smiled "I was just about to come find you"

"Ellie, it's over." Sean said quickly on second glance Elle realised it looked like he'd been crying, his face was white and he was looking at the floor unable to meet her eyes.

"What?" Ellie asked confused, she could feel her heart beating faster, was he really dumping her? What had she done?

"I'm moving to Alberta, on Saturday" he explained "Me and you, well, it's over Ellie." He told her still unable to look her in the eyes

"I.." Ellie didn't know what to say how could Sean do this to her. She bit her lip feeling the tears welling up in her eyes she turned and ran from the hall way leaving him behind her. She headed to the girls toilets and entered a cubical, locking the door behind her she sat down on the toilet seat lid and let the tears she had been holding back flow down her cheeks, How could he do that too her? She opened her bag and pulled out the CD case containing all her cutting instruments. Out of habit, She pulled out her old compass and looked at it longingly, one cut wouldn't hurt would it?

She pulled down her arm-warmer and pushed up her sleeve. She pressed the tip against her skin and dragged it across. The cut filed with blood and Ellie instantly regretted doing it. She placed the compass against her skin again and again feeling that if she had already slipped she might as well carry on.

The Bell rang and Ellie jerked back to reality realising she had been locked in a cubical for around an hour, her arm was covered in blood. She quickly put the compass away in her CD case and zipped it up realising she was going to be late for English she quickly dabbed at her cuts with some tissue and once she was cleaned up she hurried out of the washroom and started heading back to English.

"Sorry I'm late Miss Kwan." She said entering the room avoiding the worried glances from her friends.

"That's ok Ellie you didn't miss anything just try to be onto tomorrow." Miss Kwan said as Ellie took her seat next to Marco who gave her a worried look.

She listened as Miss Kwan began reading from a book. Marco nudged her sliding a piece of paper towards her.

_Are you ok? Have you been crying?_

Ellie bit her lip and pulled out her pen.

_I'm fine. Me and Sean Broke up. _

Marco read the paper and scribbled something else

_Thank sucks El, why did you break up? _

Ellie sighed

_Tell you about it after class._

Marco read the note and nodded crumpling it up and putting it in his pencil case. Ellie turned her attention to Miss Kwan's reading. The lesson finished quickly and Marco pulled Ellie to one side once they left the room.

"So What's going on?" He asked worriedly

"Sean broke up with me." Ellie said pushing the tears back

"Why I thought you were getting along perfectly?" Marco asked confused

"We were." Ellie said her lip trembling a little "He said he was moving and that we had to break up."

"That's… awful! Oh Els I'm so sorry…" Marco said hugging her she burst into tears and sobbed into his shoulder. "But where did you get to? I thought we were meeting up at lunch?"

"I just needed to think." Ellie lied wiping her face with her sleeve.

"Did you cut?" Marco asked looking at Ellie's arm. Ellie looked at the floor ashamed. "Oh Ellie" Marco said pulling her into a hug again. "He's not worth it"

"I've screwed everything up Marco" Ellie said biting her lip

"Hey, no you didn't, Sean's got to be mad to split up with you, even if he is moving." Marco told her

"Mad or not I still cut…" Ellie sighed

"Look El you've just got to start again tomorrow, it's like an addiction, and you've got to expect to slip up once in awhile" Marco comforted her "What about a long distance relationship?" He suggested as they made their way down the front steps and Marco directed her towards Dylan's Car.

"I…I don't know, I suppose I could try and find him tomorrow and suggest it…" Ellie said wiping her face with her sleeve.

"I'm sure he'll say yes" Marco said positively "He's got too, I mean your great El, if only I liked girls huh?" he added with a wink.

"Thanks Marco" Ellie tried to say cheerfully but instead her voice came out dull and hollow

"I said El could hitch a lift with us" Marco told Dylan as he opened the door to his boyfriend's car

"Ok then lets get going" Dylan nodded in agreement knowing better than to question why Ellie looked so upset. The car journey was quiet the only sounds that could be heard were the occasional sniffles from Ellie. They arrived outside Ellie's house and Marco climbed out the front seat and gave her another hug.

"Take care El ok?" He told her and she nodded "Ring me if you feel like you're going to do it again ok?"

"Ok" Ellie agreed before leaving Marco and climbing the steps to her house, Marco watched her go wondering how Sean could have just dumped her like that.

Ellie slipped into the house and up to the bathroom where she cleaned up her face and rolled up her sleeve and pulled down her arm warmer. Sighing at the state of her arm she started to clean up the dried blood that she hadn't quite managed to clean off at lunch time.

"Ellie is that you?" Her dad asked knocking on the bathroom door.

"Yeah I'll be out in a sec" she told him quickly covering her arm back up and flushing the toilet. She opened the door and came face to face with her dad. She put on a fake smile.

"Have a nice day at school?" he asked pulling her into a quick hug

"Yeah thanks," Ellie lied "I have lots of homework though so I'm going to start doing it"

"Ok sweetie." He replied as she headed off towards her room. Once inside she shut the door and let out a sigh, lying to her dad was so hard.

---

Ellie arrived early the next day to try and find Sean so she could suggest to him the long distance relationship idea Marco had had the day before. It didn't take her long to track him down, he was digging through his locker looking for something.

"Sean?" Ellie asked biting her lip tapping him on the shoulder

"Oh Ellie I was just about to come and find you" Sean said spotting her stood behind him

"I had an idea, I know long distance relationships tend to break up quickly and stuff but I'm sure if we worked hard enough we could keep our relationship going…" Ellie blurted out quickly

"Relax El they'll be no need." Sean said with a small smile

"We can't even try?" Ellie asked hopefully her face falling as Sean rejected her idea

"We don't need too." Sean said simply offering Ellie a piece of paper which she read quickly and a smile spread across her face.

"You're staying?" Ellie asked not believing her eyes

"Yep!" Sean grinned opening his arms. Ellie ran into them and he span her around.

"So are we back together?" Ellie asked

"Defiantly!" Sean smiled and she kissed him. She suddenly felt extremely guilty for reacting as she had done the day before. "You want to go to the dot after school to celebrate?"

"Yeah sure but I have my session with Sauve first." Ellie told him with a sigh

"Ok" Sean nodded putting his arm round her as they headed towards Ellie's homeroom.

---

Ellie was dreading her meeting with Sauve and sooner than she would have liked she found herself knocking on the familiar door.

"Afternoon Ellie" Sauve smiled as Ellie entered her office

"Hi" Ellie said nervously

"How are things going at home?" Sauve asked

"Good" Ellie said quickly not meeting Sauve's eyes

"Have you cut?" Sauve asked and Ellie stiffened a little

"Sorry" Ellie muttered

"Why are you apologising?" Sauve asked

"Because I messed up" Ellie sighed

"You are allowed to slip up Ellie, you don't have to be perfect" Sauve told her "How many times did you slip up?"

"Once, but I cut a few times." Ellie told her

"And why did you feel then need to cut yourself again? What led to it?" Sauve asked

"Sean had just told me we had to break up because he was moving, I just ran to the washroom and cut, I wasn't thinking, I felt awful afterwards" Ellie admitted

"So what's going on with you and Sean now?" Sauve questioned her

"We're back together. He's staying, He's going to get student welfare" Ellie told her "and the second he said he was staying this morning I felt so stupid for over reacting" she added with a sigh

"You didn't know he was going to say he was staying when cut so I wouldn't class that as over reacting, true you went straight and cut which you shouldn't have done, but Ellie you have to remember It's only one slip up, You just have to carry on, your doing it for your dad right?" Sauve told her

"Yeah" Ellie nodded

"Well your not going to give up because slipped up are you?" Sauve told her

"No, I'm still going to do it." Ellie told her determinedly

"If something like that happens again come and find me and we'll talk ok?" Sauve told her.

"Yeah ok" Ellie nodded

"You're a strong girl Ellie and from what you've told me you've got really supportive friends, I want you to use them, talk to them" Sauve told her. "You can still do this, everybody slips up"

"I know" Ellie sighed "When I told Marco he said that, he told me not to let it worry me and that it was just one slip up."

"Well he's right." Sauvé nodded "I think that'll be enough for today." Sauve said closing her notebook "I'll see you the same time next week ok?"

"Ok, Thanks Miss Sauve" Ellie agreed standing up and leaving the room to meet Sean.

----

By the weekend Tracker had left and Sean now had a house to himself. As his first week living alone drew to an end he begun to have a lot of parties and Ellie was round nearly every night though usually any quiet nights in together that they had planned were interrupted by Jay, Alex and several others coming over for yet another party. Ellie came to most of the parties but her dad had a strict rule about being in be eleven on school nights so she never stayed too late.

"Are you having another party tonight?" Ellie asked sitting down next to a tired Sean in the cafeteria.

"Yep" Sean yawned "but I need to do my homework… I think Jay said something about bringing the Montréal crew over."

"Why don't I come early and help you with your homework?" Ellie suggested "I can only stay till quarter to eleven as usual because it's a school night…"

"Sure El that would be great" Sean smiled then yawned again. Ellie laughed and took a sip on her diet coke shaking her head.

---

That evening Ellie sat next to Sean in his apartment, some party 'guests' had already arrived and Ellie was still helping Sean with his homework at the table when the infamous 'Montréal crew' and Jay arrived. They kept at it but people kept interrupting them so Ellie sighed and decided to go get some snacks for them both. When Ellie returned she found Amy an ex-girlfriend of Sean's sitting next to him clinging onto him like a leech.

"You don't like me anymore." Amy said drunkenly continuing the conversation they had been having before Ellie returned

"Amy, You dumped me…" Sean said rolling his eyes trying to prise the blonde off his arm.

"And he has a girlfriend" Ellie pointed out from behind them holding a tray of snacks.

"Right, and what are you? Some kind of blood sucking vampire?" Amy asked drunkenly collapsing into giggles

"Keep hitting on my boyfriend and you'll find out." Ellie said irritated, Amy glared at her but then stood up and left. Ellie rolled her eyes and took her seat back next to Sean placing the snacks on the table in front of them.

"I'm glad you came back when you did" Sean commented "I thought she was going to be glued to me for the rest of the night!" he pulled a face and Ellie laughed

"No skanky ex-girlfriends will be clinging to you while we're together" Ellie smiled "Or at least I hope they won't" she added half questioning him.

"Believe me I don't want to touch Amy again with a barge pole, or any other girl, I've got you" He said kissing her on the lips and making her smile. Ellie returned his kiss and picked up a tortilla chip from the tray.

"I guess we should carry on if you want to have the grades to get your money" Ellie suggested reluctantly

"I guess we should." Sean replied helping himself to a handful of chips and re-directing his attention to the work in front of him. After a few more disruptions and a few more answers Ellie sat back with a sigh.

"Two more questions" she sighed "Then you're done"

"Right let's get this finished already" Sean said determinedly as he picked up the book and started to read the question. Suddenly there was a loud crash and they both turned to see a couple of the Montréal guys had started a fight.

"If you're going to fight, take it outside!" He shouted angrily standing up, the Montréal guys ignored him and simply carried on. Sean shook his head and scanned the room, he spotted Jay stood a few feet away and yelled to his friend gesturing towards the fighting duo. Jay stepped into break up the fight and got pushed back.

"Oh I'm going to kick his…" Jay started angrily rubbing his arm.

"Argh!" Alex's voice yelled suddenly causing the fight to stop and Jay, Sean and Ellie to look towards the bathroom where she had just appeared from. She noticed everyone looking and yelled "It's Amy! Something's really really wrong!" Ellie looked at Sean, she may not like the girl that much but she couldn't ignore Alex's call. Neither could Sean and they followed Alex back into the bathroom a few others on their heels. They found Amy passed out on the floor, Alex leant over her shaking her. Ellie was suddenly reminded of her Mom on Christmas day and her face turned white and she took a step back, bumping into Sean who instantly realised what she might be thinking and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder encouraging her to move forwards again.

"I can't wake her up…" Alex said worriedly

"I Think its probably alcohol poisoning, it might be best to call an ambulance" Ellie suggested starting slowly towards the passed out girl, Sean's hand still on her shoulder.

"She'll be fine" Jay said waving a hand casually as he appeared at the door "Maybe you've never seen someone get really drunk at a party Vampy, but this Happens"

"Maybe you haven't seen your mother nearly die because she was in the exact same condition! We need an ambulance." Ellie shot back viciously before realising she had just let out her mom drunk to Jay, Alex and a few other random people round the door.

"Ellie's right she is not going to be fine" Sean said angrily backing up his girlfriend "I'm going to call the ambulance." He left the room with a squeeze of Ellie's shoulder. Ellie joined Alex leaning over the blonde while Jay shook his head.

They didn't have to wait long before the ambulance arrived and had taken Amy away. Sean placed a comforting arm round Ellie's shoulder as the group watched the ambulance disappearing into the distance.

"So where's the party moving to?" Jay asked once the sirens could no longer be heard.

"It's finished" Sean told him as he headed back inside, Ellie behind him.

"Did your girlfriend decided that?" Jay asked sarcastically.

"No I did" Sean replied angrily "Go. Now."

Jay muttered something about not being cool then headed off Alex and the other guests following, most thanking or nodding to Sean as they passed him and Ellie. The pair of them headed inside to the dimly lit and alcohol scented living area.

"El?" Sean asked as he flopped own on the couch "You ok?"

"Yeh" Ellie nodded snapping back from the daze she had been in "Yeh I'm fine, just Seeing Amy like that reminded me of my mom…"

"Are Sure your ok?" Sean asked concerned as she sat down next him and he pulled her into a hug.

"Yeah it's just strange." Ellie replied "Anyway all that is in the past now." Ellie said confidently "Mom hasn't drunk in weeks I think she's finally getting better."

"That's really good El" Sean told her "I really hope she keeps it up." He told her "for your sake" he added kissing her on the top of her head.

"Me too" Ellie replied with a sigh leaning tiredly on his shoulder.

"Shall I walk you back? It's after eleven…" Sean suggested as he looked over at the clock.

"Yeah, Dad will be wondering where I am if I don't get back soon" Ellie nodded standing up and grabbing her coat from the peg. She pulled it on as Sean stood up and then led them out of the house locking the door behind them. Ellie slipped her hand into his as they began the walk back to Ellie's. They walked in comfortable silence, until they reached Ellie's front door. Sean kissed her goodnight and headed off back to his empty flat.

"Mom? Dad? I'm home" Ellie said as she entered the house hanging up her coat.

"Hey Sweetie" Her dad's cheerful voice said from the kitchen "You're a bit late back." He commented

"Sorry dad I got caught up helping Sean learn algebra" Ellie lied as she entered the kitchen taking off her coat.

"That's ok Sweetie, did you have a good night?" he asked carrying on with the washing up he was doing

"Kind of…" Ellie said taking a packet of chips from the cupboard

"Only Kind of?" her dad asked putting some more empty plates into the sink

"It wasn't that interesting" Ellie covered quickly "all I was doing was helping Sean with his homework"

"So when am I going to meet this young man who's stolen my little Ellie's heart then?" Ellie's dad asked her as he put the last dish on the rack and started to dry his hands

"Why doesn't he come round for tea before that school dance next week?" Ellie's mom suggested entering the kitchen making it clear she had been listening into what they had been saying.

"We weren't going to go actually…" Ellie said with a shrug "It's not our kind of scene"

"Of course you have to go!" Ellie's mom insisted "Tell him your going and you're both having dinner here first."

"Ok mom" Ellie said rolling her eyes "I'll tell him tomorrow at school, I'm going to bed now."

"Ok sweetie" Ellie's dad said giving her a hug "sleep tight"

"Night dad, Night Mom" Ellie said as she left the room and headed tiredly up to her bedroom worrying about what Sean was going to think of her mom's plan.

---

"Family Dinner before the dance?" Sean asked the next morning when Ellie told him nervously what her Mom was planning "But I thought we weren't going…"

"We Don't have to if you don't want to I guess, we can just pretend were going and go back to yours or something but Mom was being pretty persistent about this Dinner…" Ellie said rolling her Eyes " and dad really wants to meet you too…"

"Well I suppose, there will be free food so I can't really say no!" Sean winked Ellie nudged him.

"You'll do anything for free food" She rolled her eyes

"Hey! take away's do get boring after awhile and expensive, plus my cooking's rubbish!" Sean pointed out

"You can say that again!" Ellie replied pulling a face at the memory of Sean attempting to cook them macaroni and cheese and burning it so badly the flat smelt of smoke for a week.

"Hey! I tried, anyway it's the thought that counts" Sean laughed

"It's a shame the thought doesn't provide edible food when you're really hungry." Ellie pointed out

"I took you out for a posh meal after!" Sean replied folding his arms

"You took me out for a veggie burger at the dot…" Ellie laughed

"It was posh by my standards" Sean shrugged

"So about this meal…" Ellie started as the bell rang for homeroom.

"I'll be there." Sean agreed "That is as long as there no raw fish!" Sean said wrinkling his nose remembering his meeting with Emma's parents.

"Ick! I wouldn't let raw fish in the house!" Ellie laughed

"Well time to go hand in that homework you helped me with last night…" Sean said with a sigh "See you later"

"Ok, Bye" Ellie said giving Sean a quick hug before heading off to homeroom.

---

Ellie pulled her arm-warmer a little further up her arm nervously and then put an extra hair clip in her hair as the doorbell rang. She hurried downstairs and opened the door before either of her parents had chance.

"Hey El" Sean smiled nervously Ellie noticed he was wearing his best hoody, jeans, shoes and coat.

"Hey Sean" Ellie smiled pulling him into a hug "Come in" she said as they pulled apart

"Ah so is this the Young man who has taken my daughters heart?" Ellie's dad asked appearing from the kitchen drying his hands on a towel "Sean is it?"

"Yes, Mr Nash its nice to meet you." Sean replied

"It's nice to meet you too Sean, Ellie talks about you all the time." He replied shaking Sean's hand as Ellie's mom popped her head out from the kitchen.

"Hello Sean" She nodded to him before turning to Ellie and her father too "Dinners nearly ready" she added before disappearing back into the kitchen

"Let's go sit down" Ellie suggested directing Sean through to the kitchen. They took seats at the table and Ellie's mom served up the vegetarian lasagne she had made.

"So Sean, Ellie said you were interested in Cars, Mechanics and the like" Ellie's dad said in between mouthfuls as they all tucked in. Sean nodded looking up from his food. "I studied mechanics when I was at school do you still work on a project as well as the other class work?"

"Yeh" Sean replied politely "It makes up fifty percent of your grade."

"I always found that more interesting than the other work personally" Ellie's dad said taking a sip of his drink

"Yeah" Sean agreed "I like the practical work best too…"

The polite chatter continued throughout the meal, along with a few less than polite comments and questions from Ellie's mom. Ellie quickly announced that they probably should be headed off to the Dance as soon as the clock reached half six, she stood up and Sean followed her lead.

"Well It was nice meeting you Sean, I hope to see you again soon." Ellie dad said shaking Sean's hand

"It was nice meeting you too Mr Nash, Mrs Nash." Sean smiled politely as Ellie quickly led him out of the house letting out a deep breath as they begun to walk away from the house.

"Well that went better than the night I met Emma's parents." Sean laughed slightly as they headed down the road

"Wasn't that also the night you got drunk and turned up at Jimmy's party and started stealing his parent's alcohol?" Ellie asked thoughtfully.

"Yeah actually…" Sean said confused "How did you…"

"I remember Ash telling me about it last year." Ellie said with a shrug

"Oh" Sean nodded "So where too Miss Nash?"

"How about we go to the Dance" Ellie suggested "we've not got anything better too do and Marco will let us in… I feel kind of guilty not going as he's just spent the last month setting it all up…"

"Sure, I suppose we might look a bit daft in normal clothes though aren't we all supposed to be in Indian clothing?"

"Oh Who cares?" Ellie laughed "It'll be a laugh lets go!"

"Ok El" Sean smiled "This will be the first and last dance you will EVER catch me at!"

"Well you never know…" Ellie laughed as they headed up to the front doors of the school and were greeted by an overly enthusiastic Marco.

"Hey Marco!" Ellie smiled approaching her best friend "can you do us a big big favour?"

"And what might that be Miss Nash?" Marco asked

"can you give us a couple of late tickets to the ball?" Ellie asked quickly

"Sure I can!" he winked "Here, on me" he smiled passing them a ticket each

"Thanks Marco you're a star!" Ellie smiled hugging him before he started to lead then into the gym which had been transformed with material and lighting into a Bollywood haven. Marco left to find Dylan and Mr Simpson passed them as they entered the Gym.

"I need to go do something" Sean said in Ellie's ear as he spotted the older man "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Ok" Ellie nodded she looked round the gym. She didn't quite feel like she fitted in and without Sean she didn't really want to hang around randomly by herself so she headed out into the front hall and sat on the steps instead. While she was sat on the steps She was joined by Ashley for a little bit and they had a brief conversation before she had to hurry back off again leaving Ellie sat tapping her foot on the stairs until finally Sean returned with Mr Simpson.

"You ok?" She asked standing up

"Yep, I think I am" Sean nodded watching Mr Simpson leave as she pulled him into a hug.

As Ellie pulled away from Sean the fire alarms started to go off making Ellie jump. Suddenly everyone started leaving the hall and Sean and Ellie exchanged confused looks.

"What's going on?" Ellie asked grabbing Marco's arm as he hurried past

"Those curtains, turns out they're ever so slightly flammable…" Marco said rolling his eyes a little "Come on."

Ellie and Sean followed Marco outside as a couple of fire engines pulled up.

"Well aren't you glad we came now!" Ellie smiled as they watched the firemen take their hoses inside and start tackling the fire.

"What to see the school burn down?" Sean replied "Sure!" he added with a laugh.

Someone decided to hook up a stereo or something and the party continued outside. Ellie and Sean decided to join in with the dancing and finally the evening ended as students started to disperse.

"Well that was complete disaster" Marco shook his head as he came over to Ellie and Sean as the music died.

"Nah it wasn't" Ellie smiled back "The gym look great Marco, Well before it burned down it did and everyone had fun still even if it wasn't in quite the way they thought they would"

"Yeah, it was really great" Sean agreed "That's coming from the guy who hates dances"

"Thanks Ellie, Thanks Sean" Marco smiled

"Hey, you should so run for president next year!" Ellie suggested "You're great at organising stuff and you'd do really well!"

"Seriously?" Marco asked blushing a bit

"Yeah seriously!" Ellie laughed "Go for it!"

"Ellie's more than right, you'd make a good president" Sean agreed with Ellie.

"I hadn't thought about it but maybe I will…" Marco blushed "I'm going to go find Dylan, I'll see you guys in a bit" he added giving Ellie a kiss on the cheek before walking away.

"Bye Marco" Ellie smiled as he walked away

"Shall we head off?" Sean suggested "I'll walk you home if you want"

"Sure" Ellie agreed. They headed away from the school and towards Ellie's house again, hand in hand.

"So we've got a whole summer ahead of us…" Sean pointed out breaking the comfortable silence between them.

"Yep, No homework or school for seven weeks!" Ellie agreed happily

"Got anything planned?" Sean asked

"Not really" Ellie shrugged "I think we're going to visit relatives at some point but nothing spectacular. You?"

"Nah, well probably some parties down at the ravine, possibly at the apartment… though maybe not after last time." Sean shrugged

"Well here's my stop" Ellie smiled as they reached her house "I'll see you later"

"Ok Els, see you soon" Sean said pulling her into a tight hug, she kissed him on the cheek before pulling away and heading up towards the house.

Ellie entered the house and smiled to herself as she took off her coat and hung it on the peg, She stuck her head into the living room and told her parents who were watching television together that she was back before heading up to her room and changing into her pyjamas. Turning out her light a tired Ellie snuggled down into her warm bed smiling contentedly to herself as she decided that, the school year had defiantly ended better than it had started.

A/n Thanks to all my reviewers, My laptop has completely broken but I luckily managed to rescue my fic's before it completely died so at least I will be able to update. I'll update again ASAP.


	12. It Was Summer

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or It was Summer…(Baby steps) by October Fall 

Chapter 11: It Was Summer... 

_And it was summer  
Don't hide your sunburn  
Wear that shirt that's cut so low  
I know you loved her  
But couldn't trust her  
So lets take this extra slow  
Sleeping in and we're nowhere near the weekend  
Waking up inside a basement with my best friends  
We chased our dreams from 9-5  
But when the sun goes down is when we felt alive..._

You say you'd never let this go  
I say we forget what we know  
Keep taking baby steps  
We're still so far ahead  
In summer heat we lose our clothes  
And it won't hurt what they don't know  
Keep taking baby steps  
We're still so far, so far ahead...

Summer secrets keep me breathing  
My old routine stopped repeating  
And I'll never forget anything  
That happened today  
The days go by but we don't change  
Dear summer, I won't forget you  
Walk away but I won't let you  
And I'll never forget anything  
That happened today  
The days go by but we don't change

You say you'd never let this go  
I say we forget what we know  
Keep taking baby steps  
We're still so far ahead  
In summer heat we lose our clothes  
And it won't hurt what they don't know  
Keep taking baby steps  
We're still so far, so far ahead...

And here's the best part  
It's got the best start  
No one saw this coming from a mile away  
So unexpected, I know you meant it  
If I can't have you I'll dream about you  
So I'll be sleeping because this dreaming  
Is as close as I can get to getting close to you  
So close my eyes, don't wake me up  
Keep taking baby steps

Ellie screamed and dodged the jet of water Sean sprayed her way.

"Hey! I said I wasn't playing!" She complained crossing her arms

"Come on Vampy don't be so boring!" Alex smirked sending a jet of water in Ellie's direction hitting her directly in the face.

"Oh I am so going to get you for that!" Ellie said taking the water gun off Sean and sending an ice cold jet towards Alex who jumped side ways to avoid it.

"Missed me!" Alex laughed

"Got you!" Ellie laughed sticking out her tongue as the water splattered Alex's already wet top.

"Oi Vampy!" Jay yelled Ellie turned and he threw a bucket of water over her.

"Jay!" she screeched as Alex, Jay and Sean doubled over laughing at Ellie's angry face, she looked like a drowned rat.

"I'm soaked now" Ellie said folding her arms irritably

"Well that is the aim of a water fight Vampy!" Jay said scooping another bucket of water from the ocean and throwing it promptly over Sean, who snatched the water gun from Ellie and squirted him back.

The Day trip to the beach had been a random decision made the day before, Ellie hadn't been too keen on the idea, she never particularly liked beaches but she had to admit she was having a great time. The Summer holidays were going fantastically, Ellie had spent a lot of time at Sean's, now there was no school her dad let her stay over some of the time too. Sean and Ellie had attended several house parties at other people's houses and a few parties down the ravine too and Sean had even decided to risk holding a small party at the flat the other week and luckily it went without a hitch. Ellie had also spent some of her holiday hanging out with Marco, Paige and Ashley too and they had come to the party Sean had held. So far she had decided this was the best summer holiday ever.

Ellie settled herself down on the seat next to Sean at the picnic table they had left all their stuff on earlier.

"Coke?" Sean asked offering her a can as he sat down next to her

"Thanks" She said opening it and taking a sip

"Enjoying yourself?" Sean asked while it was just the two of them

"Yeah, I'm glad we came now it's been fun!" Ellie smiled

"You best not think your coming back in my Car that wet" Jay said interrupting their conversation as he returned from getting changed.

"Well I didn't exactly plan on having a water fight or anything so I didn't bring a change of clothes." Ellie replied rolling her eyes

"I have a spare t-shirt and shorts in her somewhere." Alex said digging through her bag as she came back over. She produced a white t-shirt and some blue shorts and handed them to Ellie. Ellie stood up ready to go get changed then remembered her arms. She stopped in her tracks biting her lip.

"Are you getting changed or not?" Jay asked

"Oh er yeh" Ellie said making eye contact desperately with Sean who obviously clicked on why she looked a worried and threw her his hoody

"Wouldn't want you to get cold." Sean nodded

"Thanks" She smiled before heading into the bushes. She changed quickly and joined them back at the table.

"Wow you look almost normal there Vampy" Alex commented as she returned

"I'm not sure if I'm supposed to take that as an insult or a complement." Ellie smirked back

"Which ever you feel like" Alex winked

"Right, time to head back." Jay announced interrupting Ellie and Alex's conversation "I don't want to be late for The Montréal crew's party."

They piled into Jay's car and began the hour long journey back. Ellie and Sean got out at Sean's house and waved by to Jay and Alex before heading inside. Ellie dug a pair of her pyjamas out of her bag and changed into them before snuggling up with Sean on the sofa in front of the television. Things couldn't be more perfect. Her relationship with Sean was perfect and Her Fathers return had spurred her mom into becoming completely alcohol free, she hadn't slipped up once since the break up with Sean and the fact there was no school for another whole two weeks just topped everything off perfectly in Ellie's eyes.

"Sean?" she asked looking up at him

"Yeah?" Sean replied

"I love you" she smiled

"I love you too" he smiled back kissing her on the top of her head

---

Ellie blinked her eyes open. She found herself lying snuggled up on Sean's couch with Sean fast asleep next to her. She looked around for a second trying to figure out what had woken her only to realise the phone was ringing. Not wanting to wake Sean up she answered it quickly.

"Hello Sean's House." She said sleepily down the phone

"Ellie? Its me, dad" she heard her dad's voice down the phone.

"Oh Morning dad" Ellie said standing up and heading to Sean's kitchen to get a drink "What do you want?"

"Could you come home please, I've got some news" her dad said down the phone

"Oh yeah sure dad I'll just go wake Sean and tell him I'm going then I'll be right over" Ellie said putting the juice carton back in the fridge.

"See you in a bit then sweetie" her father said down the phone before hanging up.

Ellie put the phone down and shook Sean.

"Sean?" She asked

"Huh?" Sean said sleepily

"Sean I've got to head home, dad rung and said he had some news." She told him

"Oh, ok Els what time is it?" Sean asked sitting up yawning

"Ten past eleven." Ellie said heading into his bedroom and quickly changing out of her pyjamas into some of her clothes "I'll come back when I can or ring you later." She told him as she came back into the living area.

"Sure Els" he said standing up. Ellie gave him a quick kiss before hurrying out of the house.

She opened the front door to her house and stepped inside closing it neatly behind her.

"Dad, Mom. I'm back" Ellie said loudly

"In the kitchen sweetie" he dad's voice replied

Ellie hung her coat up and entered the kitchen. Her parents were sat at the table.

"Ellie, Sit down" he dad said gesturing towards the chair she usually sat on.

"So what's going on?" Ellie asked nervously

"Well I wanted to tell you both together" He dad replied "I'm being sent back out to Kabul, the fighting has gotten worse again and they think its going to become an all out war, they need all the troops they can get."

"What?" Ellie whispered her face white

"I'm going in two days" he announced

"No you can't go" Ellie said tears welling up in her eyes

"Ellie I have to" He told her placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Ellie shook of the hand and ran up to her room.

She paced the room, she knew if her father left her mother would start drinking again, it was a vicious circle. She flicked the elastic band around her wrist. What if he died, she couldn't bare the thought. She flicked her elastic band again and sat down on her bed.

"I must not cut" She chanted to herself over and over quietly. She pulled out her CD case and picked up her razor. She placed it on her arm and let the coolness of the blade flood her mind for a minute before putting it away and walking over to her drums. Picking up the sticks she began to play loudly.

--

"Ellie?" Ellie woke up to a knock at her bedroom door she rolled over wondering how long she had been asleep for, everything had been a bit of a blur since her dad had announced her was going to be leaving them again.

"What?" she asked getting up and poking her head out of her door

"Sean's on the Phone for you" Her dad said passing the phone over

"Oh thanks dad" Ellie said taking the phone of him

"Hello?" Ellie asked down the phone shutting the door

"Hey El, what's going on? You said you'd call or come round last night and it's been like a day…" Sean asked

"Oh sorry I got caught up doing… stuff." Ellie replied looking over at the floor where her CD case was open and an unused razor was lying.

"Oh what was your dad's news?" He asked

"Oh nothing important, it was just about my aunt" Ellie lied quickly

"Ok, are you coming over tonight then?" He asked

"No I can't now, maybe tomorrow if it's ok with my parents" Ellie replied sitting on her bed.

"Ok then" Sean agreed "I'll miss you"

"I'll miss you too" Ellie sighed "But I'll hopefully see you tomorrow"

"Ok see you later" Sean replied

"Bye" Ellie said hanging up and flopping back on the bed and lying staring at the ceiling.

---

Ellie spent most of the day in bed. She knew she should be spending some time with her dad before he left but she just couldn't bring herself to go downstairs. It took her along time to get to sleep that night, she spent most of the night worrying about what was going to happen once her dad was gone again. When she finally got to sleep she was woken a couple of hours later at half seven by her dad who announced he was leaving in half an hour. Ellie got up in a bit of a daze and headed downstairs and into the kitchen past her fathers packed bags in to the hall. She sat down at the table and listened to her parent's conversation. She couldn't join in because she didn't know what to say. Half an hour past quickly and soon enough a horn beeped from outside of the house and Ellie was kissing her dad goodbye. He was about to leave when Ellie pulled him aside.

"Please don't go dad" she said letting a stray tear fall "I hate it when you go"

"I know you do sweetie but it's my job" he told her

"I know but everything just goes wrong when you go." Ellie replied with a sigh

"What do you mean Ellie?" he asked her

"I… oh never mind" Ellie sighed "Just come back soon"

"I'll be back as soon as I can sweetie." He replied kissing her on the cheek "Be good for you mom, you know how hard it is for her"

"I will dad" Ellie replied as he stepped back

"Right I'm off, See you soon El" He told her stepping towards the door and receiving a final hug from Ellie's mom before stepping out of the house with his suitcase which he loaded into the trunk of the car before climbing into the front he gave Ellie and her mom a small wave before shutting the car door. Ellie sighed as the car drove out of sight and then once it was gone she followed her mother back into the house.

"Mom I'm going to go over to Sean's" Ellie told her knowing she needed to just get away for a bit.

"No you're not your staying here" her mom replied

"But mom…" Ellie protested

"No" her mom said loudly "go to your room, I'm going shopping and I want you to be here when I get back"

Ellie sighed, She knew her Mom was about to go and buy some alcohol. She climbed the stairs and slammed her bedroom door behind her. She phoned Sean quickly and apologised for not begin able to come over before opening her CD case. She pulled out her compass and lifted up her pyjama leg and slid the point across her ankle, the skin didn't break but the scratching calmed her a little.

She heard the front door bang open and then closed again. It made he jump and the compass dug in a bit deeper than she meant and made a thin line of blood appear, Ellie winced a little and grabbed a tissue from the box on her bedside table. She dropped her Pyjama leg back down and headed downstairs where she found her mom downing vodka from the bottle.

"Mom you promised you wouldn't drink!" She said as she caught sight of the half empty bottle.

"Oh shut up Eleanor" He mom replied irritably

"I said I'll tell dad and I will" Ellie threatened her "next time he calls I'll tell him"

"No you wont!" Her Mom yelled angrily grabbing her by the collar and pushing her hard up against the wall

"What's to stop me?" Ellie replied quickly trying not to let her nerves show.

"I'm your mother and I say you won't tell him!" she spat angrily

"or what?" Ellie asked bravely

Her mom didn't answer she just threw her towards the kitchen table. Ellie felt herself collide with the hard table and tears flooded her eyes.

"You don't say a word, got it?" her mom yelled picking her up by the collar

"You can't stop me" Ellie replied her voice wavering slightly, her mom slapped her across the face and let go of her to pick up a kitchen knife from the side. She pointed it at Ellie who started to back away.

"I can and I will, don't you dare every say anything to your father about what happens in the house while he's not here, that's none of his business, it's his choice to leave us and he doesn't have any right to know anything about what happens to either of us while he's away being selfish." She said angrily.

"I wont tell" Ellie replied nervously as she back into the wall and her mom came closer with the knife

"That's better" she replied throwing the knife back onto the counter and turning away back to her precious Alcohol.

Ellie sunk down to the floor breathing quickly, it was the first time her mom had truly scared her. She waited until she had finally left the room before slipping out of the room and hurrying upstairs to the bathroom. She pulled out the razor, it had been such a long time but she could almost feel the blade slicing though her skin, it was what she needed right now, if her mom was allowed to drink she was allowed to cut. She gripped the blade tightly fighting and inner battle before bringing it down on her arm once, twice, three times, over and over she pressed it down to her left arm before switching to her right and covering that in fresh wounds too. She suddenly felt dizzy from blood loss and lent back against the bath.

'Maybe I should just make a couple deeper cuts and then I would finally be free' she thought bitterly but as soon as she picked up the blade again she remember Sean and her friends and even her dad, he would be back someday and if she did it she'd never see him again. She felt the blade clatter to the floor and felt more tears running down her cheeks, she just couldn't do it. She grabbed an old towel and put some pressure on her arms wondering how she was going to explain this slip up to Sean, her friends and eventually Sauve when she returned to school.

Once Ellie had cleaned herself up she snuck downstairs to the phone, she placed her hand on the cold plastic, she wanted to ring Sean and tell him what had happened and ask if she could go over. But she didn't want to let him down and she didn't want to tell him about what had happened in the kitchen to make her so upset. She didn't even want to tell him the truth about her dad's news, she just wanted everything to go back to how it was before her dad had to leave again and if she told Sean the truth it would make what had happened all the more real. Ellie took her hand off the phone and climbed the stairs again. She climbed into bed and let silent tears fall as she lay in the semi darkness wishing she could go back in time.

---

Ellie spent most of the last two weeks of the holidays in her room avoiding her Mom, she only really left it to grab some food and a drink once a day. Sean had eventually rung her, worried about what was going on with her and she had pretended she had been grounded because she had tried to sneak out to see him. She just found she wasn't in the mood to see or talk to anyone. With her dad gone her mom was still spending most of her days passed out on the couch in the living room and Ellie was cutting again, she didn't even think twice before pressing the blade to her arm anymore.

The first day back at school arrived and Ellie had to face her friends, Sean and Sauve. The first person she met up with was Marco who noticed the difference in her mood straight away.

"Hey El" He said pulling her into a hug

"Hey" She nodded forcing a small smile

"I haven't seen you in weeks, are you ok?" Marco said concerned

"I'm fine, Just getting over being grounded" Ellie rolled her eyes trying to play it off as nothing

"Are you sure?" Marco said looking into her eyes wondering if she was lying.

"I'm sure Marco." Ellie told him quickly as Ashley, Paige and Hazel came round the corner.

"Hey Marco, Hey El good holiday?" Paige asked

"You know I had a good holiday I was at yours for practically the whole time!" Marco laughed

"Good point" Paige laughed "How about you Ellie?"

"Good until I got grounded" Ellie lied "The last two weeks have been a complete snooze fest"

"Poor you" Ashley said placing a hand on Ellie's shoulder as her and Marco joined them in walking to homeroom.

"Ellie!" Sean's voice echoed down the corridor

"Hey Sean" Ellie tried to force a smile for him but she was sure he'd be able to see through her.

"Finally got out of the house?" Sean asked kissing her on the cheek

"Yeah, I'm so sorry we didn't get to do anything the last two weeks but parents…you know how it is." Ellie said quickly

"Its ok, can you come out tonight?" Sean asked "or are you still grounded?"

"Sure, but I have a meeting with Sauve first to discuss how the holiday went" Ellie told him.

"You see Sauve?" Hazel asked curiously, Ellie cursed she had forgotten Hazel was there

"Yes and it's none of you business" She snapped defensively.

"After Sauve's then?" Sean asked as the bell rung

"Sure" Ellie replied as he pulled her into a hug before heading off quickly to his own homeroom.

"Still going strong huh hun?" Paige asked

"Yeah" Ellie nodded as they entered their new homeroom and took seats. Finally Miss Kwan who was to be their new homeroom teacher entered the classroom and Ellie breathed a sigh on relief as the conversation died.

---

Ellie didn't know if she was worried about Sauve's session or looking forward to it. In their last session Sauve had said they could stop meeting every week if things had improved over the summer and Ellie had decided to just fake it and see if she could get out of having meet with her.

"Ellie" Sauve smiled as she opened her office door "did you have a good holiday?"

"Yes thanks" Ellie replied forcing a smile as she stepped into the room and took her usual seat

"How are things at home?" Sauve asked

"Good" Ellie replied crossing her fingers in her pocket "Mom's kept of the Alcohol and is still going to AA meetings and its nice having dad back." She lied

"That's good, how about you're cutting?" Sauve asked

"I haven't cut since that time before the holidays" Ellie told Sauve with a lopsided half hearted smiled wondering if this could really work.

"That's really great Ellie" Sauve nodded "Well I since its obvious things are getting better for you I defiantly think we don't need to be meeting every week unless you want to, how about you come back in a month and report back on how things are going?" Sauve suggested

"Sure" Ellie nodded a genuine smile crossing her face as she realised her plan had worked

"Congratulations Ellie" Sauve smiled "I'll see you three weeks on Friday."

"Thanks" Ellie replied with a smile "See you then"

"If you need to come back sooner don't hesitate" Sauve told her and she nodded before slipping out of the room congratulating herself for being able to persuade Sauve she was fine

"You look happy" Sean commented as he spotted her

"I don't have to see Sauve again for a whole month" She told him "and with dad being here, mum being sober and having such a great boyfriend I feel happy" Ellie lied, truthfully she was only happy she didn't have to keep talking to Sauve and that she wasn't home she was with Sean.

"How about some celebratory milkshakes at the dot?" Sean offered "Then a movie at mine?"

"Sure" Ellie nodded as the left the building and started towards the coffee shop. "Sounds great"

"I'm glad things are getting better for you El" Sean told her as walked

"Me too" Ellie replied putting on a fake smile "You know I don't know what I'd do without you" She added as he put and arm round her

"You don't have to worry about that" Sean smiled kissing her on the top of her head as they reached the dot.

They entered the dot and Ellie smiled a little as she took a seat at their usual table by the window while Sean ordered their usual chocolate milkshakes from Spinner. He brought their drinks over and Ellie took a long drink and shot him a small smile.

"You ok El? you seem a little pre occupied" Sean asked taking a sip of his own drink

"I'm fine" Ellie assured him "Just didn't get much sleep last night that's all"

"Ok" Sean nodded taking down half his milkshake in one gulp

"Honestly" Ellie shook her head

"What?" Sean laughed "I was thirsty"

"I can tell" Ellie replied with a small laugh

"Still going to come back and watch some movies or something?" Sean asked as Ellie took another sip on her own milkshake

"Sure I have nothing better to be doing" Ellie shrugged

"I was thinking Elimination mara…"Sean started to suggest

"I was thinking your joking" Ellie interrupted him "How about something we both like?"

"Like what?" Sean asked

"I don't know, How about a Final Destination Marathon instead?" Ellie suggested

"Well guess I could compromise to that." Sean agreed "I thought you were going to suggest some girly movie you've seen with Paige and Marco."

"I'm not the girly movie type, you know that" Ellie laughed "Plus you'd be surprised Paige isn't actually into the type of movies you'd presume"

"Anyway" Sean said draining his glass "Hurry up so we can get this movie marathon started!"

"Just because you drank yours in two mouthfuls doesn't mean we all drink that fast" Ellie replied taking another sip on her half finished milkshake

"Hurry up or I'll drink it for you" Sean said taking his straw out of his glass and trying to put it into Ellie's.

"Hey!" She complained "That's mine"

"I paid for it and you're taking forever" Sean pouted

"Good boyfriends don't steal their girlfriend's drinks" Ellie said pointedly before taking a sip of her milkshake again

"Good girlfriends don't keep their boyfriend waiting for hours" Sean retorted

"It's a shame I'm not good then" Ellie laughed taking another sip and kicking Sean under the table as he tried to put his straw in her drink again

"Ow what was that for?" Sean complained

"Hands off Cameron" She said taking a long slip and draining the cup "Happy now?"

"Very" Sean replied kissing her over the table "Now you have to kiss my leg better" 

"Dream on" Ellie laughed "Let's get moving" she added standing up she had missed her carefree relationship with Sean over the past two weeks.

They walked hand in hand back to Sean's apartment where they settled down to watch the first of the three final destination movies.

"God you're so squeamish" Ellie laughed as Sean hid behind her at a particularly disgusting bit of the movie "I should be hiding behind you, I thought I was the girl!"

"That's a gross bit!" Sean protested

"Aww poor Sean-y" Ellie laughed "it's so fake its unreal…"

"I think I'll go order a pizza instead of staying here to get picked on" Sean shook his head "Shall I get our usual?" he added

"Yeah why not" Ellie agreed as he left the room to find the phone he returned having ordered the pizza to watch the final twenty minutes of the film.

They were five minutes into final destination 2 when the Pizza arrived. Sean quickly paid for it and brought it and two cans from the fridge back so that they could watch the movie and eat at the same time. A couple of hours later the Credits were rolling for the second movie and Sean yawned looking at his watch.

"It's getting late" He pointed out

"Aww come on spoil sport, lets watch the final one too" Ellie said picking up the final destination 3 DVD from the pile on the table

"Don't you have to get home? it's nearly midnight" Sean asked

"I'll give my dad a call I'm sure he'll let me stay" Ellie shrugged, she didn't feel like going home and facing her drunk mom right now when she was actually having fun for the first time since her dad had left again. "Chuck me the phone"

Sean passed the phone over and Ellie dialled her home phone number and pressed the hang up button before it had chance to ring.

"Hi dad?" she said down the buzzing line "Its only me, I'm sorry it's late but I'm at Sean's, we've been doing homework and we only just realised how late its gotten is it ok if I stay over?" she paused as if her dad was talking "Ok I will, see you tomorrow, thanks dad bye" Ellie said before pretending to hang up

"Sorted" She smiled "now put that movie in"

Sean slipped off the sofa and put the final movie before curling back up next to Ellie.

---

Ellie was woken the next morning by a loud knocking. She opened her eyes and realised she was asleep next to Sean on his sofa. The remainders of their Movie night scattered around them. She sat up holding her head wondering if the knocking had been in her imagination but as she stood up and heard it again stepping over a pillow that had fallen on the floor she headed to the door and opened it.

"Yo Cam…" Jay started "Oh its you Red, where's Cameron we're going to be late for school"

"He's still asleep" Ellie replied as Jay and Alex let themselves into the apartment.

"Aww sleeping like a baby" Alex laughed as she saw Sean curled up on the sofa "

"Sean" Ellie said shaking him awake

"wha's matta?" He muttered blinking

"Jay and Alex are here to give us a lift to school" Ellie laughed as Sean sat up sleepily

"Oh, 'sup Man" Sean nodded to Jay

"Come on Sean, we're going to be late" Alex rolled her eyes

"Just a sec" Sean replied heading into the bedroom to get his school bag. Ellie threw her messy hair back into a pony tail and picked up her coat and bag yawning as she waited for her boyfriend to show up again.

"Keep him awake all night did you Red?" Jay asked as they headed towards his car, Ellie blushed.

"We were watching movies all night" Sean Yawned

"Riiight" Jay laughed "Let's get moving, Radditch is on the war path at the moment and I really don't want detention this week"

---

Ellie unwillingly let Sean walk her home that night, she didn't want him to realise her dad was gone and her mom was drunk again and she didn't want to home anyway, she was dreading her mom's reaction to her staying out all night the night before.

"I'll see you tomorrow" Sean said kissing her "Do you want a lift to school with us again?"

"Nah I'll be ok" Ellie told him, she wanted to keep him as far away from her house as possible to stop him realising the truth. "I'll see you tomorrow at school."

"Ok if you're sure" Sean nodded

"I'll miss you" Ellie added

"I'll miss you too" Sean replied hugging her before they went their separate ways.

Ellie climbed the steps to the front door of her house nervously, she let herself in and shut the door quietly behind her. The house was completely silent. She hung her coat up and put her bag down before pushing the living room door open slightly. She wasn't surprised to see her mom sipping on a bottle of vodka.

"Oh so you're back" She said standing up

"I stayed at Ashley's" Ellie told her mom as she stood up putting the vodka down.

"What happened to asking my permission? What happened to letting me know what's going on?" She started angrily

"Sorry Mom" Ellie replied

"Sorry Mom?" her mom said imitating her as she came closer "Sorry Mom?"

"I can't count the amount of times you've disappeared for hours or days while I'm left her wondering where the hell you are!" She yelled "And all you ever have to say is 'sorry mom' and some stupid excuses!"

"I am sorry mom" Ellie said nervously taking a step back

"Your going to leave me aren't you! Just like him!" her mom said angrily

"Look mom dad only goes away because he has to work and I was just spending the night at a friend's!" Ellie said matter of factly

"Am I that bad?" her mom asked put her hands on Ellie's shoulders and shook her.

"No mom your not" Ellie told her

"I don't believe you" She replied "Why doesn't he stay if I'm ok to be around?" She added

"Because he has to work" Ellie told her

"It's probably because of you" her mom accused her and Ellie bit her lip "Yeah that's it. It's you he doesn't like!" she started to convince her self. Ellie didn't know what to say as tears brimmed in her eyes "One day he won't come back" she told Ellie "and it will be because of you!"

"Mom he'll always come back" Ellie replied

"Liar" Her mom said punching her in the face

"One day he will get sick of coming home to see you so he won't come home to see me either!" she shouted "you're a failure! It's your fault he's going to leave us!"

"Mom he'll always come back" Ellie tried to assure her

"Your lying" her mom spat pushing her up against the wall hard

"I'm not" Ellie told her wincing

"Admit it!" she shouted in Ellie's ear "Admit you're the reason he goes away all the time, he never left before we had you!" she told her "Admit it!" her mom yelled ignoring Ellie's protests and slamming her harder against the wall until tears of pain were falling down her cheeks

"Ok, ok!" Ellie winced "I'm the reason"

"See I knew it was the truth!" she shouted spinning Ellie round and throwing her into a wooden cabinet "You make him stay away!"

Ellie watched as her mom headed back to the bottle of vodka, She pulled herself up from the wreckage of the cabinet and shakily started towards the door.

"Where do you think your going?" her mom asked angrily as Ellie placed her hand on the door knob.

"Just upstairs" Ellie replied

"No your not. You worthless, selfish, bitch" she screamed coming over to Ellie and grabbing her by the collar with one hand and throwing her towards the fire, she hit the hard metal of the fire place and looked up at her mother who was advancing on her holding a bottle of vodka. She took a swig and put it on the table before launching herself at her daughter's neck.

"He never went away before we had you!" she said angrily "You were a mistake!" she grabbed her daughter round the neck and started strangling her with her hands. Ellie gasped for breath wondering if her mom was actually going to kill her, She felt a numbness spreading through her body and she slumped down onto the floor. He mother finally let go of her and stood up.

"It's all your fault." She said simply before picking up her bottle of vodka and leaving the room, slamming the door and her daughter behind.

Ellie just sat there half stunned getting her breath back. Some how she managed to pull herself upstairs and collapse into her bed. The pain took over her body and she soon passed out. The next day Ellie didn't wake up until tea time, she climbed out of bed and looked in the mirror she had a black eye and there were clear hand print shapes round her neck. She winced as she felt a pain shoot across her chest and sat back down taking a couple of deep breaths. She crawled back under the covers and curled up in a ball. Each breath she took felt like it was tearing her chest in two, she wanted to cut so badly but couldn't even muster the energy to get back out of bed. She let the tears begin to fall and eventually she fell asleep.

A/n Thanks to ifonlyuknew for reviewing :) I thought since I managed to finish this chapter already I'd post it! I'll update again as soon as I can, maybe even later today/ tomorrow because I'm pretty bored right now lol


	13. Poprocks and Coke

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Poprocks and Coke by Green Day 

Chapter 12: Poprocks and Coke 

_I don't care if you don't mind  
I'll be there not far behind  
I will dare  
Keep in mind  
I'll be there for you_

_Where there's truth  
You know I'll be there  
Amongst the lies  
You know I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere  
So I'll see you there_

_I don't care if you don't mind  
I'll be there not far behind  
I will dare  
Keep in mind  
I'll be there for you_

_If you should fall  
You know I'll be there  
To catch the call  
You know I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere  
So I'll see you there_

Friday came around and Ellie realised she should probably show her face at school. She hadn't left the house since Tuesday night, in fact she hadn't left her room, not even when she heard the phone ringing, because she didn't want to face her mom. Sighing she threw on an old black hoody over an old black turtle neck to make sure the hand prints on her neck were covered, she then slipped into a comfy pair of black jeans and her black boots before and applying a little bit of cover up make up to the remainder of her black eye. She left early and walked slowly towards the school as her chest was still playing up. She arrived just before the bell and was greeted by a worried Marco.

"Oh god Ellie you look awful" He said pulling her into a hug the second he saw her, Ellie winced as pain shot through her body but she tried not to show it. Marco pulled away and looked her up and down "we've all been so worried about you"

"I've been sick" Ellie told him, her voice was raspy and she knew she looked ill so she had decided to play on it.

"You look it" Marco told her

"I've been throwing up all week and I've had killer headaches" she lied "but I feel a bit better today so I figured I should show my face"

"El?" Sean's voice came from behind them and Ellie turned to see him hurrying down the corridor towards them

"Hey" Ellie said before having a coughing fit, Marco handed her a drink and she took a swig of it and stopped coughing.

"You look really ill" Sean commented pulling her into yet another painful hug "is that why you haven't been in school?"

"Yeah" Ellie nodded

"I tried to call you" Sean told her "but no one picked up"

"Mom and dad have been gone since Tuesday night, they had to go see my aunt because she was in a car crash" Ellie lied "I had to stay because of school but then I woke up sick on Wednesday and I couldn't talk anyway so it seemed pointless trying to answer the phone"

"Are they back yet?" Marco asked as the three of them started walking "No their still staying with my aunt for a bit" Ellie lied

"You could come stay at mine while they're gone if you want" Sean suggested

"I would but I'm supposed to be looking after the house" Ellie lied "I promised them I would just go to school and stay at home the rest of the time"

"Oh well" Sean nodded as the bell rung and they reached Ellie and Marco's homeroom "I best be going, see you later"

"Bye" Ellie said in her raspy voice and Marco nodded.

Friday was a long day for Ellie, she had repeated her made up story for Miss Kwan, Ashley and Paige and soon enough had lost her voice. It was all she could do to keep her eyes open all afternoon she was so tired. When she tried to leave at the end of the day Marco suggested that Dylan gave her a lift home which she gladly agreed too. She got home on time and her mom had no complaints. She helped herself to a glass of juice and climbed the stairs to her bedroom.

By the end of the weekend Ellie felt much better, the black eye had practically disappeared, her voice was finally back and the hand prints round her neck looked much less obvious. She had avoided her mom all weekend. She returned to school on Monday looking much more like her usual self which all her friends and Sean were glad about. She covered the bruises on her neck carefully with a layer of makeup and a chocker necklace and she still pulled on a hoody with her skirt and some tights and her boots though to make sure the bruises on her chest were well covered.

---

"Hey Paige" Ellie said Monday morning when she bumped into a pre-occupied Paige in the hall before homeroom.

"Oh Hey Hun" Paige replied

"You ok?" Ellie asked

"Yeh I guess" Paige shrugged fiddling with her book

"You don't seem it" Ellie commented

"I am, Just a bit worried about tomorrow" Paige told her

"What's happening tomorrow?" Ellie asked curiously

"It's my trial." Paige replied nervously "I've got to stand up in front of court and tell them what happened two years ago in detail, I've been thinking of cancelling, it was so long ago, telling the court will be like reliving it again and I'm not sure I'm up for it" she admitted

"You need to go do it" Ellie told her "Then you can finally get some closure."

"I know but its going to be so horrible." Paige sighed "I don't ever want to see him again, I just want to forget"

"You need to do it Paige, what if you don't? You're just going to let him get away with it? Maybe if you go you can make him think twice about ever doing it to some other girl" Ellie suggested

"I guess" Paige nodded

"Would you like some moral support?" Ellie offered "I can skip school and come with you…"

"Thanks but you don't really want to come its going to be awful..." Paige started

"After everything you've done for me Paige I owe you big time, if you want support I'm here just say" Ellie told her placing a hand on the older girls shoulder.

"I... well I guess it would be good" Paige nodded

"What time is it?" Ellie asked

"Come to mine at 9, my mom's driving to the court" Paige offered "Are you really sure?"

"Yes" Ellie nodded "I think your going to need all the support you can get, it's going to be hard but it's a really brave thing to do."

"Thanks El" Paige gave her a half hearted smile "I can't believe we were enemies this time last year." Paige said pulling Ellie into a hug

"Me either" Ellie smiled back as the bell rung.

"You're completely right by the way." Paige told Ellie as they headed down the corridor together "I need to do this, I need get closure."

---

The next morning when Ellie's alarm clock rang she got up quickly remembering her promise to Paige. She slipped into the most presentable outfit she owned, a plain black skirt, black tights, her usual boots, a red long sleeved shirt and smart looking black jumper. Once she was dressed she quickly put on her make up and her watch before brushing through her hair and deciding to keep it down to cover the now fading bruises round her neck from the previous week. She made a point of quickly checking in on her mother when she got downstairs only to see her passed out as usual. With a sigh she headed out of the house, grabbing her best jacket on the way out before hurrying towards Paige's. When she reached the familiar house She climbed the steps to the front door and rung the doorbell before standing nervously waiting for an answer. She didn't have to wait long before a nervous looking Paige answered.

"Hey El, thanks for coming" She said nervously letting the red head in

"No Problem" Ellie replied offering her a small smile.

"Mom's just eating breakfast, she'll be done in a minute and we'll be of." Paige told her shutting the door

"Nervous?" Ellie asked simply as Paige fiddled with the smart jacket she was wearing, which Ellie suddenly realised was the same one she had worn the day they had both had their co-op interviews, the day she had cut for the first time.

"You have no idea" Paige sighed and Ellie pulled her into a hug

"You'll be fine" She told the blonde supportively

"I think I would have bottled it by now if you weren't here El" Paige admitted

"Well I'm glad you haven't and you will be too." Ellie told her

"Paige are you and Ellie Ready?" Paige's mom's voice echoed through from the kitchen

"Yeah Mom, we're ready" Paige replied Ellie could hear the nerves in her voice. "Let's get this over with" she added with a sigh to Ellie who nodded supportively as Paige's mother appeared.

"Hey Mrs Michalchuck" Ellie greeted the older woman

"Hello Ellie it's nice to see you again" Mrs Michalchuck replied "It's great that Paigey has such supportive friends, she told me how you persuaded her to go ahead with the trial to get her closure."

"Yeah she does" Ellie nodded

"Well you're completely right dear and Paigey needs closure over this whole ordeal and she needs all the support she can get so I'm glad you've come" Mrs Michalchuck replied

"What are friends for?" Ellie nodded meeting Paige's eyes with a small smile which the older girl returned

"Anyway girls we should be going" Mrs Michalchuck said taking her coat off the peg in the hall and leading them to the car.

---

Ellie had never been to the Magistrates court before. When they arrived and parked up she got out for the back seat of the Michalchuck family car and looked up at the large building in front of her, it was even making her nervous and she was only going to support Paige.

"I don't think I can do this..." Paige said as she got out of the car

"Yes you can" Ellie told her straight away coming over to her side "You can and you will"

"I… can…" Paige said a hint of un-surety and nervousness in her voice "I can…" she repeated trying to convince herself.

"Come on Paigey, Ellie lets get inside" Paige's mom suggested and Ellie nodded leading Paige towards the front steps of the building.

"Ready Paigey?" Her mom asked her as they reached the top of the steps

"I Think so" Paige sighed nervously before looking back the way they had come, she suddenly saw a very familiar face at the bottom of the steps. "Oh god, he's here, he'd really here" Paige muttered nervously

"Its ok Paige he can't hurt you" Ellie said softly

"I know but still…" Paige said nervously not taking her eyes from Dean she watched him and a girl who she presumed was his current girlfriend start towards the building. "You know what I can do this and I will, I'm going to teach him a lesson, he'll think twice before he ever does something like this again" she added taking a deep breath "Come on lets get this over with"

Ellie nodded and the three off them started up the stairs before they heard a familiar voice calling from behind them.

"Paige!" They turned around to see spinner climbing the stairs towards them.

"You shouldn't be here" Paige sighed "I don't want you to have to hear this"

"Paige I'm here and I'm not leaving ok" he told her and she sighed and continued to lead them into the building.

---

Ellie played nervously with her sleeves as the court case started. She was nervous for Paige who was sat in front of them with her lawyer. She looked across at Dean who looked surprisingly confident and she glared at him, after all he'd done to Paige, even though Ellie didn't know the guy she couldn't help but hate him. The case was presented and Ellie listened in disgust as Dean told the court his side of the story. At one point she even had to grab Spinner's arm and stop him from jumping on Dean even though she would have gladly jumped on him herself when he called Paige a liar and told the court she got what she asked for. Soon it was Paige's turn to be questioned and she stood up in the dock looking extremely nervous. She was first asked to tell the court what in her eyes had exactly happened that night. Ellie listened to Paige as she told the court about going upstairs with Dean, about kissing him in the dark and then the way he had pinned her down on the bed. She could feel anger radiating off Spinner next to her and she could here Paige's mums nervous breathing the other side of her as she listened to the details of her daughter's ordeal. Ellie herself felt her heart truly go out to Paige, she had only been 14 at the time and she shouldn't have had to have gone though any of what she told them about.

Once she had given her account Paige took a deep breath as the judge announced that Dean's lawyer was going to ask she some questions. Dean's lawyer was the first to question her.

"Miss Michalchuck did you go upstairs willing with my client?" the woman asked as she stood up "Did you not in fact suggest it?"

"Yeah" Paige told them truthfully

"Why did you do that?" the lawyer asked

"I Just thought we'd…" Paige started but the lawyer interrupted her

"Play a game? Talk?" the lawyer asked

"Objection your honour!" Paige's lawyer said standing up

"Please re-phrase the question" The judge asked Dean's lawyer accepting Paige's lawyers objection.

"What were your intentions Miss Michalchuck in going up to that room?" She asked

"I Just thought we'd be along together" Paige told her nervously

"And you find my client, attractive?" Dean's lawyer asked

"Yes" Paige replied truthfully "I did, before." Ellie watched Spinner grit his teeth and clench his fists next to her as Paige spoke.

"When my client put his hand inside your blouse did you immediately reject him?" The lawyer asked, Paige shook her head looking down at her feet "For the record please" The lawyer asked

"No" Paige said quickly.

"This is very difficult for you I know." The lawyer started and Paige watched her walk across the room towards her "But when my client touched your breast how did you respond? Did you enjoy it?"

"No" Paige replied nervously "well at first, yeah"

"So you're telling us that you did… Miss Michalchuck did my client ever hold a gun to your head, a knife to your throat, a grenade?" The lawyer asked

"No" Paige replied getting more frustrated

"Did he not infect wear a condom?" the lawyer asked

"Yes but that doesn't make him…" Paige started angrily

"Could you tell us how he managed to open one of these and roll it onto his penis without offering you a chance to get away if you wanted too?" She asked

"I Said no," Paige told her "But he is bigger than me, Stronger. I was afraid. I'm not sure."

"Oh so you don't know." The lawyer said "How many men have you had sex with Miss Michalchuck" she added

"Objection!" Paige's lawyer said standing up

"Actually, I'd like to answer that" Paige said determinedly "That was my only experience" she continued bravely "and I wouldn't have chose to lose my virginity upstairs at a house party with a guy I had known for an hour."

The court was silent for a minute after Paige's last speech before the judge adjourned the court so she could make the verdict. Paige came over to Ellie, Spinner and her mother nervously.

"Well done Paige" Ellie said quickly as she joined them "That was really brave"

"Ellie's right dear, whatever the verdict you did really well" her mom added and Spinner nodded "I'm proud of you for facing him sweetie" she added pulling her into a hug

"I hope he gets what he deserves" Spinner muttered glaring across the court room at Dean who was laughing with his girlfriend.

Paige's lawyer came over and congratulated her on standing up in front of the court and said he hoped she got the result she deserved. Just as he finished speaking the judge came back in.

"It's a good thing she's done already isn't it?" Paige asked watching her enter

"er Yeah sure it is" Paige's lawyer said but Ellie caught the tone in his voice which clearly didn't sound so sure. They returned to their seats and the judge stood up.

"Miss Michalchuck's Testimony was very compelling and I would like to applaud her for having the courage and the strength for doing what she did here today. This is the kind of case that keeps me awake at night, its not the kind a judge in my position wants to here. Give that there are no eyewitnesses and no physical evidence, I have no choice but to the find the defendant not guilty, Mr Walton you are free to go." The judge announced.

Ellie watched Paige who was watching Dean leave the courtroom a half shocked and half disbelieving expression on her face. She followed Paige's Mom and Spinner to Paige who collapsed sobbing in her mom's arms.

"I'm going to kill him" Spinner muttered angrily making to go chase after Dean. Ellie grabbed his arm and gave him a look which clearly said 'this is not the time'.

---

The car journey back to Paige's was quiet. Ellie spent most of the journey watching Paige as she stared out of the window, silent tears still rolling down her cheeks. They arrived back at the Michalchuck family home and Paige shot inside and straight up to her room. Ellie followed Mrs Michalchuck inside and glanced up the stairs.

"Maybe you should go home dear" Mrs Michalchuck told Ellie

"I'll go see if she's ok first then I'll go if that's ok" Ellie half asked the older woman.

"Sure" Mrs Michalchuck nodded

Ellie climbed the familiar stairs and went over the Paige's bedroom door which was shut tight. She knocked lightly and got no reply.

"Paige?" She asked opening the door, she spotted the blond sitting on the bed facing the opposite direction to the door and staring at the window.

"Go away Ellie" Paige replied harshly not bothering to turn around

"No" Ellie replied clicking the door shut "I won't go away until I know your going to be ok"

"I'm fine" Paige replied dully

"You don't sound it Paige and I know I wouldn't be if I was you" Ellie told her sitting down on the bed next to the other girl who promptly stood up.

"Well I'm not you." Paige snapped "I'm not going to go cut myself or whatever"

"Paige…" Ellie started standing up

"Leave me alone!" Paige yelled, Ellie half wanted to just leave her but she knew she was just upset. Instead she stood up and pulled Paige into a hug. She fought her to start with but then eventually she collapsed sobbing into Ellie's arms. "I just wanted to make him pay for what he did" she sobbed quietly

"Paige you may think that him just getting away with it means he didn't get punished but it has given him a warning about what'll happen if he does it again." Ellie told her "Plus, you got your closure, you got it out in the open and you never have to see him again. You should be proud of yourself, you told the whole court what he did to you so now you can put it behind you and move on."

"I know It's just there's a part of me that wishes I could have actually got revenge for what he did to me." Paige whispered as the doorbell rang downstairs.

"Maybe you should go see Sauve tomorrow and talk to her," Ellie suggested you are right, she is good."

"Yeah, I guess going to talk to Sauve probably is a good idea" Paige sighed pulling away and Ellie nodded as there was a small knock on the door and Marco entered the room.

"Hey ladies" he smiled "Your mom let me in" he added to Paige.

"Hey Marco" Ellie smiled and Paige nodded

"Sorry about the trial Paige" Marco said looking slightly nervous.

"Its ok" Paige sighed "I just wish he'd been punished but what Ellie's just pointed out is right, I pretty much did get my closure and I should never see him again."

"Yeah Paige, I think we all wish he'd got punished but you've got to put it behind you now." Marco told her

"I wish it was that simple" Paige sighed and Marco and Ellie exchanged looks.

"Look How about we all go to Dylan's Party" Marco suggested

"I don't think, I want to" Paige sighed wrapping her arms round herself

"What else are you going to do?" Ellie asked "Sit around and wish he'd been charged?"

"Yeah Paige you can't let him control you, its over now" Marco told her "Its time to move on"

"Come on Paige, let's go with Marco and see Dylan, we can just stay a few minutes and come back if you want, you know how much I hate parties…" Ellie pointed out

"Ok, just let me get changed ok?" Paige sighed giving in

"You've got ten minutes" Marco smiled as he and Ellie left the room so Paige could change "Then Spinner's going to be here to pick us up."

---

They pulled up outside Dylan's dorm in Spinners new red car, loud hip hop music blasting from the stereo despite Marco, Ellie and Paige's Protests. Marco led the way inside and Ellie watched Paige talking to Spinner admiring the fact that the blonde was very good at putting on a front.

Dylan spotted them though the crowd and came over, he exchanged a quick kiss with Marco before pulling his sister into a hug and telling her he was proud of her for confronting Dean even if she did lose the trial. Paige smiled weakly as he let go of her and gladly accepted the drink Spinner offered her. They hung around in a group for awhile before Paige and Spinner disappeared somewhere leaving Ellie with Marco and Dylan.

"She's pretty cut up about the trial" Ellie sighed as she watched the blonde's retreating back

"I Wish they could have locked Dean up and punished him" Marco nodded taking a sip on his drink

"I wish I could have protected her from that creep from the beginning" Dylan added with a sigh "She's my little sister I should have been there to protect her"

"There was nothing you could have done" Ellie comforted Dylan

"I know" Dylan shrugged "I wish I could have been there for her this morning, I would have come but Mom refused to let me skip college."

"Well its all over now" Marco pointed out

"Yeah" Dylan nodded draping an arm over Marco's shoulder "Anyway this is supposed to be a dorm party not funeral, anyone up for some dancing?" he smiled a little

"Not me" Ellie smiled a bit "I only dance if Sean forces me to"

"Come on El" Marco laughed "Sean may not be here to force you but I am" Ellie shook her head as Marco took her hand and dragged her onto the dance floor with him and Dylan.

They danced together for awhile before Dylan went to talk to one of his college friends leaving Ellie and Marco alone. They were dancing to some cheesy pop song when someone accidentally bumped into Ellie and she felt a sharp Pain across her chest and suddenly she couldn't catch her breath.

"El?" Marco asked as Ellie doubled over holding her chest

"I'm fine" Ellie gasped quickly taking a couple of deep breaths and standing up straight again trying to ignore the pain.

"You really don't look it, lets get some fresh air" Marco suggested

"Ok" Ellie agreed.

They headed outside; Ellie ignored the dull throbbing pain in her chest and offered Marco a small smiled when he looked over at her with a concerned look on his face. They sat down on the wall outside Dylan's dorm and Marco offered Ellie a drink which she gladly took a few sips from before handing it back.

"Feel better?" Marco asked

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I think I just got winded"

"From someone knocking into you?" Marco asked unsure "It wasn;t even that hard, from your reaction it looked like he'd thumped you in the stomach or something"

"I don't know what happened ok Marco. Maybe it was just because I'm still not right after being ill last week but whatever it was I'm fine now ok." Ellie told him irritably.

Suddenly there was a loud screeching of brakes and a smash. Ellie breathed a sigh of relief as the sounds distracted Marco from his questioning. Instead he turned his attention to the noise.

"Do you think someone crashed?" He asked standing up

"I don't know shall we go see?" Ellie asked glad for an excuse to turn the attention away from her.

"Yeah someone might be hurt" Marco agreed

They headed down the steps and round the corner of Dylan's dorm to where the sound had come from. Once they rounded the corner they spotting Spinner staring at two cars across the road, one his own new red car, the other the sporty yellow car Dean had arrived at court in that morning, Ellie had a horrible feeling which was confirmed as Spinner headed over where a familiar blonde had just stepped out of the driving seat of his car.

"What the hell we're you doing Paige!" Spinner screamed as Paige stood looking at Dean's car laughing madly.

Ellie distinctly heard Paige said 'wow' between laughs before Spinner Pointed her away from the cars and told her to go get a cab and go home.

"What on earth did she do that for?" Marco asked Ellie

"That's Dean's car" Ellie told him and Marco nodded in understanding as Ellie left him and walked over to where Paige was walking, she had obviously had more than jus one drink and she was still giggling. "Paige!" Ellie said approaching the blonde

"Ellie! Oh my god did you see dean's car!" Paige laughed "I think I got my revenge" she giggled childishly.

"I Saw" Ellie agreed "Come on lets get a cab and get you home." She suggested

"Oh but…" Paige began to protest as Marco joined them

"El's right I think you've had enough excitement today" Marco agreed

The three of them headed to the edge of the campus and Marco signalled down a cab for them and they all climbed in.

---

The next morning Ellie was checking through her maths homework with Ashley when Paige entered Homeroom after going to See Sauve. Ellie watched her walk nervously over to spinner and sit down next to him, they talked quietly before the classroom door opened and Miss Hatzilakos entered the room and called for Spinner to go with her and two formidable looking police officers who were stood behind her. Ellie shared a look with Marco who was sat opposite her and Ashley and the both watched Paige slump down on the table resting her head in her hands. Ellie stood up and walked across the room and took Spinner's seat.

"Hey" She smiled

"Hey El" Paige replied dully

"How did it go with Sauve?" Ellie asked

"Ok, she told me that going to court meant I had morally triumphed over Dean , but pretty much everything else she said was the same as you and everyone else had been saying all day." Paige shrugged "I said I'd go back and talk to her again on Thursday"

"That's good" Ellie nodded "I guess Spinner's getting called away because of something to do with last night"

"I guess so" Paige sighed "It should be me out there, I'm the one who crashed his car into Dean's"

"I bet it felt good" Ellie commented

"At the time." Paige sighed again "I think I should go see what they're doing with Spinner"

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I'll see you in a bit" Paige stood up and left the room and Ellie headed back over to Marco.

---

"I still can't believe you ditched me for Paige and Marco and then went to a party without me!" Sean shook his head at Ellie who was sitting sipping on her usual chocolate milkshake

"Excuse me but I thought you went to a party with Jay and Alex last night anyway" Ellie pointed out "we aren't glued at the hip you know, plus you said you had fun, you'd have hated hanging out with Marco and Paige"

"Good Point" Sean shuck his tongue out and Ellie kicked him on the shin under the table. "Ow!" Sean complained as Ellie laughed and the Door of the Dot opened. Ellie glanced over Sean's shoulder and recognised the blonde who had just entered.

"One sec" Ellie said standing up and kissing Sean on the cheek before heading over to the counter where Paige was stood. "Hey Paige"

"Oh Hey El" Paige replied

"Did you go to the police station?" Ellie asked

"Yeah I got my licence taken away and I got about a years worth of community service." Paige sighed

"Talk about good girl gone bad" Sean jumped in making it Clear he was listening in to their conversation.

"Don't mind him" Ellie rolled her eyes at Sean "Do you want to join us?" Ellie offered

"I can't, I've actually come to see Spin's boss in the hope he'll give me a job because I owe Spin a lot of money to get his car sorted." Paige replied with a sigh.

"Did I here the word car?" Sean asked joining the girls at the counter. "Maybe I can help, if you get the money for the Parts for Spinner I could do the work free of charge," he offered "I'm not bad at mechanics, I sorted Mr Simpson's car over the summer and that's running fine now" he added as he put an arm around Ellie.

"Thanks Sean" Paige nodded with a small smile "That would help cut down on the cost and I'm sure Spinner will agree"

"No problem" Sean shrugged "if you want to after you're finished talking to Spinner's boss we could go look at the car and I'll tell you what needs fixing and where the best place is to get it, I know quite a few car parts dealers that do second hand parts cheep"

"Sounds good" Paige nodded "I was going to see Spin after anyway so we can get his approval and you can look at whatever you need to"

"Great an afternoon of cars" Ellie said pulling a face and then laughing

"Right lets finish our shakes and leave Paige to it" Sean suggested as the owner of The Dot Came out from the back of the café and started to walk towards them.

"Wish me luck" Paige said crossing her fingers

"Good luck" Ellie replied before letting Sean lead her back to their table.

Paige returned half an hour later grinning and announced she had gotten the job. Ellie congratulated her as the three of them headed out of the Dot and towards Spinner's house which was only a short walk away. When they arrived Paige called Spinner out and explained Sean's offer to him. Spinner quickly agreed and the two boy's started examining the car while Paige and Ellie sat on the steps talking. Soon enough Spinner had a list of Parts and Sean's estimations of price. Soon enough Sean and Ellie left and started the walk back to Ellie's house.

"I can't believe you offered to do that" Ellie said as Sean wrapped his arm round her "I know you don't like Paige much"

"Well she's your friend and that would have cost her about three year's worth of wages to fix otherwise, Plus I like having a car to work on." Sean shrugged "I'm not all bad" he added with a laugh

"I know" Ellie smiled kissing him on the cheek.

"Are your parents back yet?" Sean asked as they reached the end of Ellie's road.

"Oh, yeah they are" Ellie shrugged removing herself from Sean's grip and fiddling with a loose thread on her arm warmer. "My Aunt's much better"

"Good" Sean nodded not noticing Ellie's nervousness on the subject. "Anyway I should head home" he added as they reached the path up to Ellie's front door.

"Ok" Ellie replied returning the kiss he planted on her lips before the he watched her head up the steps and enter the house. She waved a little as she shut the door and he headed off back to his flat.

Ellie looked nervously round the hallway and hung up her coat before poking her head into the living room where her mother was passed out on the couch. Sighing with relief she shut the door and headed upstairs to get started on her homework. She had been working at her Maths homework for half an hour when the phone rang. Quickly she darted downstairs and picked up the receiver hoping it hadn't woken her mother.

"Hello Nash Residence" she said quietly

"Hey El" Marco's familiar voice said from the other end of the line

"Oh Hey Marco" She replied sitting down on the stairs and playing with the phone cord

"You won't believe what just happened" Marco said quickly. Ellie could sense the nervousness and excited ness in his voice

"Is it about the election?" Ellie asked

"No it's not about the election actually" Marco told her

"What then?" Ellie replied wondering why Marco was calling about anything but the election as it was all he had talked about the last few days when she had seen him.

"I just came out to my ma!" Marco told her

"Really?!" Ellie said surprised and excited for her friend "What did she say?"

"she sort of knew" Marco told her "and she didn't blow up, it was awkward but she accepts it"

"Oh Marco I'm so happy for you!" Ellie smiled down the phone "Just your pa to tell now huh?"

"Yeah, the tough one. I still don't think I'm ready for him yet… He's probably going to throw me out of the house when I tell him." Marco sighed

"Well telling your ma is a big step" Ellie told him "I'm sure you will up the courage to tell your dad soon and I'm sure he won't react as badly as you might think."

"I hope your right" Marco agreed

"Have you told Dylan yet?" Ellie asked

"I haven't spoken to him since lunch when he practically dumped me." Marco sighed

"Oh sorry Marco I forgot" Ellie apologised quickly "Look I'm sure everything will work out, I can come over tomorrow night after school and help you before the election on Friday if you want"

"Thanks El that would be great" Marco agreed "anyway I better be going, I think pa wants me too look over something for the election." He sighed

"Ok Marco, Congratulations on telling your Ma." She replied

"Thanks El, See you at school" Marco replied quickly

"See you at school" Ellie agreed before he hung up. She slipped her own phone back on the hook and smiled, she was happy Marco had been able to tell his Ma, it was a big thing for him and Ellie knew it, as she climbed the stairs back to her bedroom she decided she might get up early and nip to the sweet shop near the dot and buy him a present before school.

---

Ellie headed into school the next morning after visiting the sweet shop a bag of Marco's favourite sweets stored safely in her bag. She bumped into Sean first and returned his kiss willingly before heading off to homeroom to find Marco.

"Morning Marco!" Ellie smiled as she bumped into him in the corridor outside homeroom "Congratulations again!" she said pulling him into a hug which he returned happily

"Thanks El!" He smiled "its all a bit surreal still actually" Marco told her as she dug through her shoulder bag and pulled out his present.

"I thought you deserved a treat" she smiled handing over the sweets.

"Aww El thanks" Marco smiled digging through the bag and popping a sweet into his mouth before offering one to Ellie who took one too. "are you still ok to come over tonight and help with the stuff for tomorrow?"

"Of course" Ellie replied "I told Sean I was coming over to help you and he's going out with Jay away"

"Great" Marco nodded as they entered homeroom and took their seats.

"Morning Ash" Ellie smiled as she sat down next to Ashley

"Hey El, Marco" Ashley replied

"Marco's got some news" Ellie told her nudging him

"I came out to my Ma last night" he told Ashley quickly a smile spreading across his face.

"Oh That's great Marco!" Ashley smiled in agreement "Well done"

Their conversation was abruptly brought to a halt as Miss Kwan entered the room and began calling the register. The morning passed quickly in a haze of lessons and Ellie split up from Marco who had decided to go put up some posters while her and Ashley headed to lunch where Ellie had agreed to meet Sean. They were just about finished eating when Marco and Paige appeared.

"Hey guys" Ellie nodded to them both as they sat down

"You won't believe what Alex just said" Paige burst out the second she sat down. "She threatened to out Marco in front of the whole school at the election speech"

"She what?!" Ellie with a hint of anger entering her voice "Surely she wouldn't…" she added looking at Sean who shrugged

"Sounds like Alex, when she's got a plan she carries it out" he pointed out

"I'm sure she wouldn't" Ellie comforted Marco who was playing with his mom's pasta

"I hope she doesn't because my Pa's coming to watch" Marco sighed putting down his fork

"Marco you know your going to do great no matter what happens" Paige told him

"Yeah Paige is right" Ellie agreed

"Thanks guys" Marco sighed as the bell rung and the group began to split up to head towards their first lesson of the afternoon.

---

Ellie spent Thursday night at Marco's house listening to him nervously going over and over his speech, asking her advice and panicking about whether Alex was actually going to call him a Queer or not.

"Look Marco, whatever happens you'll deal with it perfectly." Ellie told him confidently from the floor where she was lying making notes on a piece of paper "You totally deserve to get class president and I reckon you will, even if Alex does call you queer I know you can come back and beat her still anyway."

"God I'm so nervous…" Marco sighed getting up from the position on his bed where he had been sat for the last 3 hours "and it's getting late do you want to stay over?"

"Yeah I suppose I could" Ellie agreed sitting up

"Do you want to call your parent's?" Marco suggested

"Oh yeah I better" Ellie agreed she followed Marco downstairs and made a fake phone call to her dad before taking the hot chocolate he offered her. They set up Marco's camp bed and he dug out some old pyjamas for her to borrow before they changed and climbed into their beds.

"El?" Marco asked once the light had been turned out

"Yeah Marco?" Ellie asked

"Do you really think I can do it?" He asked nervously

"I am 100 sure you can do it" She told him confidently "You were practically born to do it."

---

The next morning Ellie was woken by Marco's alarm clock. She sat up to see Marco was already awake and going through his notes once more. They both got dressed quickly and settled down to eat the pancakes Marco's ma made before Marco's pa drove them to school and announced he'd be back with Marco's ma in time for the speeches. The morning passed quickly and Ellie was soon dragging a protesting Sean into the hall at to watch Marco and Alex's speeches. After a quick introduction from Mr Radditch Alex was the first of the two to speak. Ellie watched Marco sitting on the stage staring nervously at his feet. She crossed her fingers and prayed Alex would have more sense than to out him in front of the whole school.

"It's always the same." Alex started as the hall fell quite "Some pretty boy or girl wants to be president and me, we, sit out while they have their special dances or trips that nobody can afford. So I say screw 'em! Screw student council. No dances, no trips, nothing, not if it's gonna be just like last year." She told the hall, Ellie could here a few murmurs of agreement pass between the students as Alex spoke "Take a chance and vote for me, it won't be like last year. I will make changes, where they actually count! So it's up to you Degrassi. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna vote for the freak or…" Alex paused, Ellie closed her eyes praying for Marco's sake "or the pretty boy? You'll have more fun with the freak." Alex finished, Ellie let out a sigh of relief and clapped politely for her as she left the stand. She heard a slight snore next to her and rolled her eyes as she spotted Sean was asleep. She nudged him hard and he woke up looking around him bleary eyed. Ellie gave him a look and he sat up a bit more and began to listen as Radditch announced Marco's name.

"Look she's right." Marco sighed "No, Alex is right. The school is split. But where she's wrong. Look. C'mon it's not the presidents job to remind us that we're freaks. I mean I do that fine all by myself." He told the quiet audience

"Queer!" Ellie heard Jay suddenly cough as Marco fell silent

"Mr Hogart! I'll see you after in my office!" Mr. Radditch said stepping forwards and glaring at Jay. Ellie shook her head wondering how Marco was going to recover.

"Hey! Queer?" Marco said, Ellie could here the nerves in his voice still "Sure. Odd? Why not. Strange? You bet!" He continued his voice becoming more sure with each statement "I love this school and I promise if you vote for me I will bring Degrassi together in freakish harmony for the first time. For real. Thank you." He finished and the hall broke into cheers and applause.

"Well done Marco you did great!" Ellie congratulated her friend as she met him after the speeches

"Thanks El" Marco replied with a smile as she pulled him into a hug

"That come back from Jay, it was perfect." Ellie told him

"Come on Marco lets go wait for the announcement!" Paige suggested as she joined Marco and Ellie, Ashley and Hazel on her heels.

"Ok" Marco agreed

The five of them joined several other pupils including Alex around the television in the entrance hall. Half an hour after the arrived the screen flicked into life and Liberty came onto the screen. She begun her announcement and ran through the days news before turning to the election results.

"and the new student council president is… Marco Del Rossi!" she announced

Marco suddenly found himself in the middle of a huge group of people who were congratulating him. Once the crowd began to thin Alex came over to where he was stood with Paige, Ellie, Ashley and Hazel.

"I knew it" Alex said raising an eyebrow

"Look Alex, I get to pick my vice president…" Marco started

"And I get to pick my nose" Alex shrugged starting to walk off

"Alex!" Marco called after her

"I don't play well with others" Alex told him

"I'm not asking you to play ok, I really liked your speech. But most important I think you can bring a lot to the position" He told her walking away from the group and towards her

"Thursday right?" Alex asked

"Yep bring your lunch" Marco smiled as she walked off.

Marco suddenly spotted Dylan and he looked quickly over his shoulder at the group who were chatting Ellie gave him a thumbs up and he headed over towards his boyfriend. The rest of the day passed quickly and Ellie and Marco decided to walk home together.

"I can't believe I'm student council president" Marco smiled happily

"I can" Ellie laughed "You totally deserve it"

"Thanks for last night El it helped a lot" Marco nodded

"No problem" Ellie smiled "I told you you'd be able to handle it and you did, I'm glad you picked Alex as your vice, she can be a really nice person."

"I know, plus student council is supposed to represent the whole school not just the more popular or smart kids" Marco replied

"So Mr. President what's your first job?" Ellie asked

"How about making us both nice big mugs of hot chocolate and watching a new Indian classic movie I picked up last night?" Marco suggested

"I like it" Ellie smiled back before following Marco into his house.

A/n Thanks to ifonlyuknew for reviewing again. I had been thinking about the whole, 'What if Paige and Ellie were friends and Ellie supported Paige at her trail' storyline idea for awhile so I decided to include it, I know Paige's court case happened earlier in the term but still... While I was writing this chapter I also had the random idea that since Sean's good with cars and Spinner's needs fixing Sean could work on his car. It also turned into a much longer chapter than I originally hoped because I kept thinking of bits I needed to add in… I also apologise for any mistakes especially in this chapter because I just finished writing it and It's now exactly 4.46am and I really should be in bed… (but I can't be bothered lol) The next chapter is pretty much already written (this one wasn't hence why it took so long to write.) so it will probably be up tomorrow night or thereabouts depending on my computer access (I hate sharing a computer with my parents, I need my laptop back working…)


	14. Face Down

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Face down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. 

Chapter 13: Face Down

_Cover up with make up in the mirror  
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again  
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you._

Do you feel like a man  
when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect  
every action in this world will bear a consequence  
If you wade around forever you will surely drown  
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say your right again,  
say your right again  
heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man  
when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down a new life she has.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough  
its coming round again.  
its coming round again.

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the grown?  
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..  
Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..

A month passed. Ellie avoided any serious run-ins with her mom by asking her permission to do anything and everything, the only times she had found herself on the end of her moms anger where the times she had been late back and she figured she had asked for it then anyway. She spent a lot of time doing her usual routine of tidying up after her mom and cutting but She found herself making more and more excuses to stay at Sean's, He still didn't know about her Dad leaving again or that her mom was drinking again though. She had her meeting with Sauve who was so please with her 'progress' she agreed there was little point in Ellie having regular sessions instead she just told Ellie to come when she needed too. Ellie had spent a fair bit of the last couple of weeks round at Spinner's house talking or watching movies with Paige while Spinner and Sean worked on Spinner's car which was halfway finished according to Sean.

Soon it was time for open house and Ellie was dreading it. It meant bringing her drunk mother out in public and lots of potentially awkward questions. She handed the letter inviting her mom to open house to her nervously hoping she wouldn't want to come but her mom actually seemed keen on the idea. Soon enough she found herself leading her tipsy mother round the school introducing her to teachers and trying desperately to avoid her friends especially Sean. She managed most of the evening before she bumped into Ashley and her mom made some inappropriate comments about Ashley's father and his partner before she managed to drag her away. They were heading down a corridor when Ellie suddenly spotted Sean, she tried to pull her mom into a classroom but she had already recognised him from the dinner he had come too while her dad was still home.

"Isn't that your boyfriend?" Ellie's mom asked walking away from the room Ellie had been desperately trying to pull her into.

"Sean isn't it?" She asked as Ellie gave up rolling her eyes

"Nice to see you again Mrs Nash" Sean said looking at Ellie confused. Ellie cursed slightly, because she knew he still though she was sober.

"Aren't your parents coming to see this fine auto shop display?" She asked

"Actually I Live alone" Sean told her

"Not lately" Ellie's mom snapped "Sometimes I forget what Ellie looks like"

"Mom we should go…" Ellie protested biting her lip

"No, I'm talking to your boyfriend!" she told her slapping away Ellie's hand. "She spends way to much time at your house"

"Look I care for her ok" Sean told Ellie's mom defensively

"Not ok" her mom replied grabbing Ellie's arm roughly arm and dragging her away from a very confused Sean.

"Mom!" Ellie said angrily pulling her arm back "He's my boyfriend you can't talk to him like that"

"I can talk to whoever I want, however I like, you can't tell me what to do" her mom hissed pinning her against the lockers

"Ok, ok. sorry" Ellie apologised quickly and her mom let go of her just as Marco rounded the corner with his dad.

"Hey Ellie" Marco smiled "Mrs Nash" he nodded to Ellie's mom

"Hey Marco, Mum you remember Marco?" Ellie asked her Mom

"Oh yes Marco" Ellie's mom replied "and you must be Marco's dad"

Ellie shuffled her feet impatiently as the parents talked briefly

"Anyway mom we were just leaving weren't we?" she interrupted the conversation glaring at her Mom

"Well I'll see you tomorrow then" Marco nodded

"Bye Marco, Bye Mr Del Rossi" Ellie smiled before dragging her mom towards the front door

"How dare you drag me away when I'm talking to someone!" her mom spat angrily as they started to walk home

"I was just trying to stop you making a fool of yourself" Ellie told her

"I wasn't going to make a fool of myself" her mom said angrily "I'm your mother Eleanor show me some respect"

"Sorry" Ellie replied rolling her eyes

"Don't you roll your eyes at me!" her mom said angrily "You know this is exactly the type of behaviour that makes your dad leave" her mom hissed as they reached their house. The second her mom said it Ellie knew she was in trouble. "Get in" her mom told her

Ellie ducked under her arm and entered the house wondering what her mom was going to do to her.

Ellie watched nervously as her mom entered the house and locked the door. She ignored Ellie and headed into the kitchen to get some vodka. Ellie breathed a sigh of relief and took off her coat, placing it on its usual peg she started to head upstairs towards the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" her mom enquired

"upstairs" Ellie replied

"Did I say you could go upstairs yet?" her mom asked before taking a long drink from the vodka bottle in her hand.

"No you didn't" Ellie replied looking at the floor and stepping off the bottom stair.

"Your dad hasn't rung in three days" her mom told her "I think he's avoiding you"

"What?" Ellie asked looking up at her mom

"I told you, you're the reason he goes away all the time, before we had you he didn't need to go away, then we had you and he couldn't bare to be around you so he joined the army to get away from you." She told her. Part of Ellie knew all of what her mom was saying was lies but another part of her believed every word. "You know what makes you so unbearable?"

"What?" Ellie replied warily knowing she wouldn't like the answer

"You're a selfish little freak, All you ever did when you were small was scream and cry and try and get everybody's attention all the time, Remember when your dad came home early and you just cried and cried at him till he sent me away? You wanted him all to yourself didn't you? So you could have all his attention. You know He only gives you attention because he has to. He doesn't love you, he Pities you because all you ever want is everyone's attention." She spat in Ellie's face "Selfish little freak"

"That's not true" Ellie protested "I don't want attention and he does love me, he said he does" she felt like a small child as her mother bore down on her

"He never sticks around because he can't stand you!" she yelled "and I can't either, I have to drink to be near you."

"But he loves me" Ellie whispered quietly

"He doesn't love you, face it Ellie you will never be more than a worthless little selfish freak who thinks the entire world revolves around her." Her mom said inching closer

"Sorry" Ellie said as she found her mothers face barely and inch from hers

"Saying sorry wont change anything." Her mom told her grabbing her collar. Ellie closed her eyes ready to feel herself fly into something. "I should never have had you, all you've been is trouble. You're a Mistake." Ellie felt tears well up in her eyes as she hit the stairs, she felt pins and needles spread up her arm as she landed on it awkwardly. She opened her eyes to see her mom had finally given up and disappeared into the living room with her bottle of vodka. She waited half an hour to make sure she wasn't coming back before hurrying upstairs, she couldn't take it anymore. She threw some stuff into a bag and snuck out of the house and headed straight to Sean's.

---

"Ellie what are you doing here?" Sean asked concerned as he spotted a shaken Ellie on his doorstep.

"I thought you could do with some company" She lied forcing a lopsided smile onto her face.

"Oh ok" Sean nodded letting her in even though she had a feeling she was lying "what was with your mom at the open house earlier?" he asked as the door clicked shut and Ellie collapsed on the sofa.

"Oh she was having a bad day" Ellie shrugged

"She looked drunk" Sean commented

"Of course the wasn't drunk" Ellie said her voice faltering a little

"Ellie is there something you want to tell me?" Sean asked his voice containing such a mixture of emotions Ellie couldn't tell if he was angry or worried.

"About what?" Ellie asked folding her arms across her chest

"How about your Mom being drunk, you said she only got drunk when your dad went away." Sean said sitting down next to her "You also said she was going to AA meetings and if she broke any of the promises she made you, you would tell your dad"

"He's gone again ok." Ellie snapped standing up

"What?" Sean said not expecting Ellie's reaction

"He left a few weeks ago and she's drinking again, happy?" Ellie snapped

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sean asked concerned

"I figured you didn't need the extra worry." Ellie shrugged with a sigh

"You should have told me instead of dealing with it by yourself" Sean told her

"I know I should of ok. But I wasn't exactly thinking straight" Ellie sighed "I came over to get away from her for a bit is that ok?" she added

"Of course it is." Sean nodded

"Sean?" Ellie asked as she sat back down next to him and let out a sigh "Do you think I'm an attention seeker?"

"Of course not, Why would you ask that?" Sean replied confused

"No reason" Ellie shrugged

---

The next day Ellie nervously returned home. She stepped inside expecting her mom to scream and yell at her but instead the house was quiet. She found her mom asleep on the sofa in the living room. She quickly cleared up the bottles and threw an old blanket on her before heading into the kitchen where she started to make herself a sandwich as the phone rang, Ellie ran to pick the phone up quickly so it wouldn't wake her mom.

"Hello Nash residence" Ellie said fiddling with the cable.

"Hello is that Mrs Judy Nash?" an official sounding voice echoed down the line

"No it's her Daughter, Sorry she's busy at the moment can I take a message?" Ellie told the stranger

"Is there any chance at all she could come to the phone? It's very important." The man told Ellie.

"I'll see if she can" Ellie told him before putting the phone down and entering the living room

"Mom? Mom there's a Man on the phone for you" Ellie told her

"Dave?" She asked

"No another man, not dad" Ellie told her rolling her eyes "It's important"

"I'm coming, I'm coming" Ellie mom said pulling herself up and accepting Ellie's help to the phone.

"Hello?" she said down the line collecting herself together to talk to the stranger.

Ellie headed back into the kitchen to finish her sandwich, she listened closely to her moms side of the conversation as she spread the butter.

"Yes" Her mom said to the man

"No it can't be." She said

"But I talked to him last night" she protested

"I don't believe you." She continued to protest, Ellie crept to the door and opened it a little

"This can't be happening" her mom said Ellie could see tears in her eyes

"I won't believe it until I see him" she told the stranger and Ellie felt a jolt of worry wondering what the phone call was about

"When will it be?" she asked "Monday? At the base."

"No I'm fine." Her mom told the stranger

"I can't believe this is happening" she shook her head letting a few tears fall

"Thanks." She said hanging up the phone she took a minute wiping her eyes before she came storming towards the kitchen. Ellie jumped back from the door as it flew open.

"Look what you've done now!" She yelled

"What?" Ellie asked worriedly

"Your father is dead and it's all your fault!" she screamed

"What?!" Ellie said backing up tears springing in her eyes.

"You're the reason he join the stupid army, you're the reason he's dead!" she screamed grabbing her daughter angrily "This is all your fault!" she screamed punching her in the face and then the stomach before throwing her at the kitchen table. Ellie hit the table hard and it broke. Her mom picked up the nearest thing too her which happened to be a plate and threw it straight at Ellie who only just moved out of the way in time.

"I wish you had never been born!" she yelled angrily at Ellie who was now in a pile on the floor, she watched as mom left sobbing. Once she had disappeared Ellie reached for the closest sharp item which happened to be a piece of plate. She rolled up her sleeve to revel her wound covered arms and pressed down hard over and over. She sat there for a few minutes just concentrating on the wounds on her arms before she realised she had to get out of there for a bit. She stemmed the blood from her arms with a couple of tea towels, once it had slowed she pulled her sleeves down and hurried out of the house towards Sean's.

---

Sean was shocked to find Ellie on his doorstep the second day in a row, but he was even more surprised when she collapsed sobbing into his arms.

"Woah El what's the matter?" he asked pulling her inside and shutting the door.

"Mom just got a phone call." She said in between sobs "dads dead."

"Oh god Ellie that's awful" Sean said holding her close as she sobbed.

"It's all my fault" Ellie muttered

"Ellie it's not your fault at all" Sean said looking her in the eyes

"Yes it is. I'm the reason he joined the army, he joined to get away from me so it's all my fault he's dead" Ellie told Sean repeating what her mom had told her earlier

"I'm sure that's not true" Sean told her

"It's my fault" Ellie sobbed "I'm a stupid mistake"

"Woah El where's all of this coming from?" Sean asked softly "Why would you think it's your fault and that you're a mistake"

"She said so" Ellie replied

"Who said so?" Sean asked

"No one" Ellie said pulling away from Sean not wanting to tell him what her mother had been up too

"Ellie what the hell is going on?" Sean asked as she backed away from him

"I should have come here" Ellie said shaking her head ignoring his question "I'm just attention seeking like I always do, I need to be home. Mom might need me. No matter what she says she still needs me" Ellie rambled realising that her mom might try and drown her sorrows like she did at Christmas.

"Ellie I'm not letting you go anywhere." Sean protested "You aren't in a state to go anywhere, stay here for a bit and calm down ok?"

"No I have to go!" Ellie said trying to fight her way to the door.

"Ellie you're staying here." Sean told her come on

"But…" Ellie protested

"Your staying here at least until you calm down" he told her

She protested and tried to fight him off but ended up collapsing in his arms.

"Are you ok?" he asked concerned as her sobbing slowed

"I'm fine" She replied a second later opening the door "I'm sorry I'm just in shock right now, I should have stayed with my mom, she needs me"

"I understand, it's got to have been a big shock" Sean said pulling her into a hug "but I think you should stay here tonight, just to calm down a bit. I can help distract you from cutting and we'll go check your mom tomorrow morning together ok?"

"Ok" Ellie replied feeling guilty because Sean still thought she had stopped cutting. "But mum was pretty upset, she might drink too much…"

"Ellie worry about yourself for a change ok." Sean told her "You need to calm down and then if you want to we'll go se your mom tonight if you don't want to wait until tomorrow." Ellie nodded "Come on" Sean said leading her towards the sofa. He sat down and she sat down next to him and let him take her into his arms. Silent tears were still rolling down her face and her arms stung reminding her of what she had happened the in kitchen before she left.

---

Ellie was still in shock later that night but she had calmed down a fair bit, They decided to put off checking up on her mom until the next day so Sean produced a hoody and some old Jogging bottoms for Ellie to wear as Pyjamas. She took them gratefully before heading into the bedroom to change while Sean made them some hot chocolate.

"Here you…" Sean started as he pushed the bedroom door open a cup of hot chocolate in each hand and looked in. He was defiantly not prepared for the sight that met him. Ellie was just pulling the hoody on and he caught a glimpse of her back which was covered in bruises and old scars.

"Jesus El what happened?" He asked worried putting the cups down and walking over to her

"What?" she said panicked holding the sleeves of the hoody down worried he'd seen some of the fresh cuts and wounds on her arms.

"Where did you get all those bruises on your back?" Sean said coming over to her side, the only other bruises like those that he'd seen before had been on Craig the other year when his father had been beating him.

"Oh it's nothing" Ellie blushed "did you make those hot chocolates?"

"Yes but how about you tell me what happened first?" Sean asked as she turned away from him putting her clothes in a pile and avoiding his eyes

"I had a collision with a table, that's all" Ellie shrugged her back still facing him. His mind was working over times as he started putting a few things together and came up with the only logical answer he could think of.

"Did your mom do that to you?" he concluded. Ellie spun round angrily

"Oh course not" she snapped

"Are you telling the truth?" Sean asked and she looked down at her feet

"Of course…" Ellie replied still looking at her feet her voice sounding unsure.

"Ellie look me in the eyes and tell me your mom didn't do that to you!" Sean said a hint of anger entering his voice although he didn't mean to sound threatening, Ellie viable stepped backwards. She was frozen, she wanted to lie to him and say she didn't but she just couldn't so she just kept looking at the floor and bit her lip nervously.

"She did, didn't she" Sean answered for her. Ellie looked into his eyes tears now making their way down her face and nodded. Sean put his arms around her and held her close. "Your staying here, I Don't care what you say you can't go back to that"

"But she needs me…" Ellie said pulled away "She only does it when she's drunk she doesn't know what she's doing and without dad she's probably drinking herself into a coma, she needs me Sean"

"Ellie your shouldn't have to look after her all the time just for her abuse you every time she's in a bad mood" Sean told her

"She doesn't abuse me, she just gets… angry sometimes" Ellie said defiantly

"You just admitted she did it, Ellie that's abuse!" Sean told her anger rising in his voice again "Look, Move in with me. You can't go back to that. If you go home again I'm going to go to Sauve and get her to tell child protection services, I wont let you get hurt by that woman."

"Look I can't move out and I deserve it anyway" Ellie snapped trying to walk towards the door of Sean's apartment

"Ellie you don't deserve to be hurt like that" Sean said raising his voice "She doesn't care about you and I won't just stand by and let you get hurt over and over by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally"

"I just got my dad killed, I'm an attention seeking, worthless, selfish liar and I deserve to be punished" Ellie said her face flushing red

"What the hell has she been telling you?" Sean said worriedly moving closer to her "You didn't get your dad killed, you don't attention seek at all, your not worthless, you are certainly not selfish or a liar and you defiantly do not need to be punished in anyway. Don't believe a word she's told you"

"But she's my Mom, why would she lie to me?" Ellie protested

"I don't know El, but I know you and I know you are none of those things you just described ok?" Sean told her "You need to get away from that woman, please stay here, stay with me" Sean said grabbing her arm "Drunk or sober its still abuse whether you think you deserve it or not!"

"I can't leave her though, she needs me" Ellie told him "what if she gets too drunk and dies? Then I'll be responsible for both my parent's deaths"

"Ellie I told you, you aren't responsible for your dad's death and your mom will be just fine." Sean assured her "What are you going to do? Keep going back till one day she puts you in hospital?"

"I'd deserve it" Ellie replied in a whisper sinking down to the floor and wrapping her arms round her legs

"Please" He begged "She's hurting you El, its wrong and you don't deserve it at all." Sean added as he knelt down beside her. "Will you move in with me or am I going to Sauve?" he asked her softly and Ellie looked up at him.

"Make it stop Sean" She whispered quietly.

"I will" he promised as he wrapped his arms round her and held her tight wondering how on earth Ellie's mom could hurt her like that.

---

Ellie nervously headed back to her house the next morning hand in hand with Sean. They should have been in school but they both decided this couldn't wait, Especially Ellie who was extremely worried still that her mom would have drunk too much the night before.

"I'll go in first" Ellie told him

"No. we'll go together." Sean protested

"Are you sure?" Ellie looked up at him

"Of course." He replied simply.

They entered the house together and Ellie pulled her hand out of his. She opened the living room door and found her mom a sleep on the sofa. Ellie let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding as she saw her mom was ok.

"I told you she'd be fine" Sean whispered in her ear "why don't we let her sleep and leave a note to say where you've gone?"

"Ok" Ellie agreed

They headed up to Ellie's room where Ellie packed two bags with all her all her most essential stuff (including her CD case which she slipped in when Sean wasn't looking) and as many clothes as she could fit. Once she was packed Ellie started writing a note.

_Mom. _

_I'm going to stay at Sean's for awhile. What you've been doing to me is wrong and Sean says he's going to go to Child Protection services if I don't move out of here so I'm going to move in with him for a bit. I'm sorry to leave you especially just after the news about dad, but this is the best thing I can do right now for both of us. Once dad's funeral is arranged call me at Sean's and tell me when it will be, I'll talk to you then._

_Love Ellie _

"I don't know what else to put" Ellie said handing over the letter to him to read.

"I think that should do it." Sean nodded

"Well maybe we should get moving" Ellie said taking the letter back off Sean.

"Yeah ok" Sean agreed

"I'll just put this on the table downstairs where she'll find it" Ellie told Sean as she led the way downstairs. She slipped into the living room and put the note on top of one of her mom's bottles of vodka. She took a final look at her mother before leaving the room.

"Are you ready to do this?" Sean asked as Ellie locked the door behind them

"I think so" She replied nervously

---

Ellie kissed Sean goodbye and turned to face Marco and Paige who both came hurrying over when they spotted her

"Hey hun" Paige smiled

"Hey El!" Marco smiled too "Are you ok? I tried to ring you last night and no one answered"

"I'm fine but… I'm staying with Sean. As in I've moved in with him" Ellie told them both

"You've moved in with him? As in properly like your living with him?" Paige asked

"Sort of" Ellie shrugged

"Why have you moved in with Sean?" Marco asked confused "I thought everything was ok for you at home with your dad back and your mom sober? I Didn't think that you and Sean were that serious yet…" Tears welled up in Ellie's eyes as Marco talked abut her dad.

"Hun are you ok?" Paige asked worried noticing Ellie starting to look like she was about to cry

"Dad went back to Kabul" Ellie told him quickly "during the summer."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Marco asked concerned

"I didn't want to worry anyone" Ellie shrugged

"Did you not tell anyone?" Paige asked her worriedly

"No" Ellie shook her head

"Not even Sean?" Marco enquired

"Not even Sean" Ellie confirmed "well not until Sunday."

"What about your mom?" Marco asked

"She started drinking again when he left" Ellie sighed

"Oh El" Paige said sadly "are you ok?" she gestured towards Ellie's arm and Ellie bit her lip

"Fine" she snapped a little too quickly and Marco and Paige exchanged worried looks.

"You know you're allowed to slip up hun?" Paige told her comfortingly

"I know." Ellie sighed "Just I've been slipping up for the past god knows how many months since dad left."

"But I thought Sauve stopped having meetings with you?" Marco asked confused "surely if your still doing it you should still be seeing her" 

"I lied" Ellie sighed

"Oh Ellie." Paige sighed "Tonight after school you should go and see her again, I'll come with you if you want." she offered

"But what will I tell Sean, he doesn't know I'm still doing it…" Ellie replied looking down at her feet.

"You don't have to tell him" Paige suggested "and if you go to Sauve we won't tell him either ok?"

"I'm sorry" Ellie muttered

"You don't need to be sorry about anything" Paige assured her

"So you moved into Sean's to get away from your mom?" Marco asked

"Yeah" Ellie nodded because it was the truth though Paige and Marco thought she meant her mom's drinking not her mom's abuse. She looked up at them both "She kind of flipped out on Sunday night when we got the phone call and I went over to his and he insisted I moved in with him at least for a bit." Paige looked the shaken girl in front of her up and down carefully wondering whether any more bottles had been thrown when Ellie's mom had flipped out.

"Phone call?" Marco asked

"About My dad… he's…"Ellie stuttered taking a deep breathe and whispering the words as if it make them less true. "He's dead"

"Oh god El" Marco said pulling her into a hug straight away

"Ellie, I'm so sorry" Paige said a little stunned placing a hand on Ellie's back as she sobbed into Marco's shoulder. The Bell rung and Ellie pushed away from Marco.

"We should get going" She said wiping her eyes slightly putting on a brave face, embarrassed because she had broken down in front of them both.

"Ellie you don't have to put a front up about this, you're allowed to be upset." Paige told her

"Maybe you should go talk to Sauve now" Marco suggested "I think you need to talk to someone"

"No, I'll wait" Ellie protested "I've talked to Sean about it, I've told you two and I'll be ok"

"I'll take you now" Paige said quickly "It'll probably do you good El"

"I'll be fine" Ellie said shaking her head "I don't need to miss any more lessons"

"I'm with Paige" Marco told her "Go talk to Sauve for a bit"

"Oh ok" Ellie sighed "I'll walk myself though, you two get to homeroom I'm already making you late"

"I don't care, I'll walk you." Paige said quickly "Marco you go tell Kwan where we are and I'll meet up with you in a bit" Paige told him

"I could come too" Marco suggested

"It'll only take one of us, plus I need to ask Sauve something anyway" Paige told him with a shrug

"Ok then" Marco nodded "I'll see you both in a bit."

They girls started to head up the corridor towards Sauve's office, they got halfway there before Paige pulled Ellie aside.

"You know you said your mom flipped out?" Paige asked "It wasn't in the bottle throwing sense again was it?" she added worriedly

"No" Ellie replied sharply and quickly

"Ellie does she normally do things like that?" Paige asked the question she had been thinking about ever since Ellie had turned up on her doorstep

"Paige why all the questions?" Ellie asked irritably "I'm really not in the mood right now" 

"I just care El ok, if I'm the only person who…" Paige started

"Your not" Ellie told her

"What?" Paige asked confused

"You're not the only person who knows" Ellie told her "why do you think Sean's forcing me to stay at his?"

"Oh" Paige nodded "Have you talked to Sauve about it?"

"No" Ellie shrugged "and I won't be either"

"You should think about it" Paige commented "she will be able to help you better if she knows the full story."

"I know but it not something I'd like to share with the world ok?" Ellie told her quickly

"I know and I understand, I didn't want to tell anyone anything when I was raped but the when I told Sauve she was able to know where I was coming from and as result she was able to help me more" Paige told her

"I'll think about it then ok? I've already got enough to tell her this week" Ellie sighed

"Do you want me to come in?" Paige offered

"No I'll be ok" Ellie shook her head

"Ok then if you're sure" Paige nodded before knocking on Sauve's door for her. "Just tell her as much as you can so she can help you El."

"Good morning Ellie, Paige what can I help you with?" Sauve asked when she saw the two girls. Paige nudged Ellie.

"I need to talk to you" Ellie sighed stepping forwards and looking at her feet nervously

"I'll go back to class and make sure Marco's told Kwan where you are hun, See you later" Paige nodded before leaving Ellie with Sauve.

"So what brings you to my office this morning?" Sauve asked clicking the door shut as Ellie sat down

"Paige and Marco made me" Ellie told her

"Why did they make you?" Sauve asked

"I lied to you, Everything's not ok" Ellie told her honestly "I've been doing it again, Since summer. Dad left again and mom started drinking so I started cutting. Then on Sunday we got a phone call, dad's dead and when Sean found out he thought it would be better for me to move in with him to get away from her" she blurted out quickly.

"Oh Ellie, I wish you have told me the truth from the beginning" Sauve said shaking her head. "I'm disappointed you couldn't tell me."

"I'm sorry" Ellie said hanging her head

"Well you're here now" Sauve nodded "I'm sorry about your dad"

"It hasn't kicked in properly that he's not coming back yet" Ellie admitted sadly

"A lot of people find it hard to believe someone they love is truly gone" Sauve comforted her "but then there will be a moment when it all hits you and you'll realise he's not coming back and although you won't want to you'll have to carry on without him. Its going to be hard Ellie, loosing someone so close to you always is." Ellie nodded and sighed. "So you started cutting when your Dad left again?" sauve asked changing the subject away from Ellie's dad's death.

"Yeah, when I found out he was going I was tempted but I was determined not to cut so I just distracted myself, I even tried to talk to him on the day he left but I couldn't bare him knowing so I chickened out. Then after he left Mom went to the store and came back with alcohol and started to drink again straight away so I guess I figured if she could drink, I could cut…" Ellie admitted "It was stupid but it made sense in a messed up sort of way" Sauve nodded

"So everything you said in our last two sessions together about not cutting and everything being great was completely made up?" Sauve asked

"well yeah, thought the beginning of my holiday was as good as I said, everything was great when dad was home and I had gone nearly 2 months without cutting, I didn't slip up once." Ellie told her "But I ruined all that"

"Well you can get back on track again" Sauve suggested "Just because your mom is drinking doesn't mean you have to keep cutting, what would your dad think?"

"I don't know, he probably thinks I'm stupid and worthless" Ellie sighed looking down at her feet

"Ellie you're a smart girl, your not worthless, cutting is an addiction as much as any form of drug abuse" Sauve told her comfortingly "Lets see if we can't get you into recovery, you seem to have really supportive friends and if your not living with your mother anymore and your living with Sean you can talk to him and he can help you fight the urges and you wont have the added pressure of looking after your mom anyway."

"Sean doesn't know I'm still doing it" Ellie admitted "I really don't want him to find out, he'd hate me"

"I'm sure he wouldn't" Sauve told her

"Anyway, I still don't want to admit it to him" Ellie sighed

"Well even if he thinks you've been cut free for a few months then he will still understand if your having a particularly hard time staying that way so you could still let him help you." Sauve suggested

"Yeah I suppose I could" Ellie agreed

"So you're going to try again?" Sauve asked

"Yeah" Ellie agreed "I'm going to try again…"

"Great" Sauve smiled "Why don't you try the elastic band thing again that worked quite well for you before didn't it?"

"Yeah" Ellie nodded

"I know this may be hard Ellie but I was wondering if you could show me your arms?" Sauve asked cautiously knowing it was a sensitive topic

"What?" Ellie asked taken aback, folding her arms protectively against her chest.

"I don't want to have to Ellie but after you lied about having stopped maybe it would be best if you showed me your arms each week so I know whatever you've told me is the truth, that way I will know if you've kept your word."

"I… I don't want to though" Ellie told her a hint of anger entering her voice, three people had seen her cuts, Sean, Marco and Paige the three people she trusted most and she wasn't sure she trusted Sauve enough to share them with her.

"Ellie I know its something private to you but I need to know the truth if I can keep helping you and your arms will tell me if what you're saying is true." Sauve told her

"Can't you just take my word?" Ellie asked

"Not after last time Ellie." Sauve shook her head "You know you can trust me, everything said in this office is confidential, everything seen in this office is confidential. I only want to see them to help you ok?"

"Ok" Ellie nodded nervously.

She looked into the eyes of Miss Sauve as she slowly pulled off her arm warmers and let the older woman see her scars for the first time. Sauve examined the damage and nodded.

"That's fine Ellie." She told her making a quick note on her notebook "I'll check your arms every session from now on just to back up what your saying to me, if you slip up tell me, I won't be mad but I will if you slip up and don't tell me and then you show me your arms and I see a new cut ok?" Sauve told her "When I trust what you're saying again then I will stop checking your arms ok?"

"Ok" Ellie agreed pulling her arm warmers back on as the bell rung.

"Right well I think we should leave it there, just remember to come talk to me if you need to Ellie, you're a strong girl and you can do this." Sauve told her comfortingly

"Thanks Miss Sauve, I'm going to try really hard." Ellie told her

"I'll see you next Friday, same time, same place." Sauve nodded

"Ok" Ellie agreed slipping out of the room.

She walked down the corridor and headed into the girls bathroom instead of heading to the maths lesson she was supposed to be going to. She lent on one of the sinks and looked into the mirror wondering how on earth she was going to fight the urge to cut with everything else going on around her.

A/n yet another fairly long chapter, I figured since I had five minutes I'd check through and post it. The next chapter probably won't be up as quickly as this one as I still have a fair bit of writing to do on it. But I'll update again ASAP, Anyway Thanks to my Reviewers.


	15. Everything

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Everything by Buckcherry 

Chapter 14: Everything 

_Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a melt down  
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her  
The look on her face, A waste of time  
She won't let go, Gonna roll the dice  
Losing her grace, Starts to cry  
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes. _

I wanna be, I want everything  
I want everything

Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better  
Praying to God and breathing deep  
Gotta break this long obsession  
The look on her face a waste of time  
She won't let go gonna roll the dice  
Losing her grace, Starts to cry  
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything  
I want everything  
I wanna be, I want everything  
I want everything.

If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?  
Oh wanna be high  
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?  
Oh wanna be high.

Now and then she talks to me  
And sometimes writes me letters  
The look on her face a waste of time  
She won't let go gonna roll the dice  
Losing her grace, Starts to cry  
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.

I wanna be, I want everything  
I want everything  
You know I wanna be, Yeah I want everything  
I wanted everything everything

Your eyes, never close your eyes  
And open up your mind  
Oh and baby you can have everything everything  
Your eyes, never close your eyes  
And open up your mind  
Oh and baby you can have everything

Things seemed to be settling down for Ellie now she had moved in with Sean and started appointments with Sauve again, her mom had rung her apologising over and over but Ellie still refused to go home saying she needed the break and she'd think about it after her fathers funeral which her mom told her had been arranged for a fortnight away. She had stopped cutting but had slipped up a couple of times, Sauve told her to keep at it though so that was exactly what she was doing.

Ellie took a deep breath as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a simple black jacket over a simple black dress, a pretty normal combination without the accessories she was wearing which included black arm warmers, fishnet tights, a chocker necklace, a chain necklace and her chunky boots. She had her usual layers of black make up on and her hair hung loosely around her shoulders.

"El you ready?" Sean asked looking into the bathroom where Ellie was staring at the mirror.

"Oh yeah, yeah I am" Ellie said turning to face Sean who nodded and took her hand which he squeezed tightly.

They headed outside to where Dylan's car was waiting with Marco and Paige already inside, Both had decided to come support Ellie. Ellie and Sean climbed into the car and Dylan started the engine and began to drive them to the church. The journey was silent apart from the rhythmical snapping of Ellie's elastic band. She flicked it against her skin over and over until Sean stopped her and took her hand to save her already purple wrist getting anymore bruised, she lent against him inside and gripped his hand.

They arrived at the church which was already filling up, They all got out of the car and Dylan drove off to the Dot to wait for Paige to call him when they wanted a lift back. Ellie begun snapping her elastic band again as they headed up to the doors of the church and Sean put his arm round her protectively.

"Eleanor!" Ellie's mom greeted her tipsily as they entered the church "At last, how can you be this late for your own father's funeral"

"Sorry mom" Ellie muttered and Sean squeezed her shoulder tightly

"What on earth are you doing with that stupid elastic band, stop it immediately" She hissed noticing Ellie's constant snapping. Ellie let go of the elastic band and looked down at the floor.

"Ok Mom" Ellie replied dully still looking at the floor.

"Come on El lets get seats" Paige suggested and the four of them left Mrs Nash too it and headed to the front of the church. Ellie looked up at the casket holding her fathers body. The Canadian flag was draped across it and his old army hat was lying on top. Soon the ceremony began and Ellie felt Sean squeezing her hand as the vicar talked.

It was a simple service, Ellie's mom made a small speech about her dad before leaving the stand sobbing and her dad's sergeant had also spoken about how much he would be missed and how much he loved his family. At the end four of Ellie's dad's army friends carried his casket to the pre-prepared Grave site. Ellie felt Sean's grip on her hand tighten as she watched her father be lowered into the hole. Once the hole was filled all the people who had come to pay their respects to Ellie's dad including her mom and Ellie herself began to walk away from the grave, most chattering in hushed tones. Ellie found herself looking over her shoulder wanting to go back. She stopped, watched the other people leaving and then turned round.

"I just want to… say goodbye…" Ellie told the others over her shoulder before pulling her hand from Sean's and walking quickly over to the grave stone and the fresh mount of dirt where her father was buried.

"I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the truth, I'm sorry for making you go away, this is all my fault" she started before breaking down and collapsing to the floor sobbing "If I wasn't such a mistake no one of this would have happened." She sobbed.

Sean came over to her side and bent down next to her wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed. Paige and Marco watched helplessly as Ellie practically fell to pieces at her fathers grave.

"It's all my fault" she sobbed into Sean's shoulder as he held her "he joined the army to get away from me"

"El, its not your fault, your dad loved you." Sean comforted her "He joined the army to help his country and to do something he was good at"

"What do you know" Ellie snapped "why do you even want to be near me, I'm pathetic, attention seeking, worthless…" Sean kissed her on the lips.

"You are none of those things, I love you El that's why I want to be near you, you are a smart, pretty, funny, caring, wonderful person and your mom is just a liar" He told her wiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Come on let's go to the wake and then get home, it's been a long morning" Sean suggested and Ellie nodded. He helped her up and led her over to Marco and Paige, his arm firmly round her shoulder. Marco promptly hugged her as they reached the other two and Paige and Sean watched for a minute as he consoled her before they all headed to the community hall which was next door to the church for the wake.

---

Ellie sat quietly in the corner of the community hall, Sean had gone to find food and Paige and Marco we're talking in lowered voices. The whole mood off the wake was generally sad but occasionally some laughter could be heard as people relieved good times. Ellie sighed and fiddled with the elastic band on her wrist nervously, all she could think of was how she would never see her father again and how he had left her to deal with her mom alone, she couldn't help but feel some anger towards him. She mentally slapped herself knowing she shouldn't be thinking of him like that, but when she tried to work out how she should feel she couldn't. All her good memories of her dad were being mixed in with the memories of her mom telling her that her dad hated her and she couldn't workout what to think. She rested her elbows on her knees and rested her chin in her hands, She could almost feel Marco and Paige's worried looks as she sat there trying to put the pieces together of her confused relationship with her father and the thoughts her mother had implanted in her mind.

Giving up on thinking Ellie took her head off her hands and snapped the elastic band round her wrist, once, twice. Before standing up and heading towards the toilets. She wanted to cut, even though she knew she should talk to one of her friends, she just had to, so she slipped away into the corridor towards the community hall's washrooms. Paige and Marco exchanged worried looks as they noticed her slip away wondering if she just wanted some time alone or some time to cut. Sean came back a few minutes later only to find Ellie gone.

"Where did she go?" Sean asked Paige and Marco though a mouthful of food

"Towards the bathroom" Marco informed him

"Didn't either of you check where she was going?" Sean asked putting his plate down

"No…" Marco started

"No?" Sean half asked half shouted before lowering his voice "You both know about her cutting, this is exactly the sort of time she might cut"

"Sean we we're thinking of going but her dad just got buried, she might have just wanted some privacy…" Marco told him pointedly

"Well I'm going to go check she's ok" Sean shrugged "I'm not trying to annoy you both, it's just I'm worried about her." He added a little more calmly.

"We know" Paige nodded "and we are too." She added as Sean headed towards the washrooms.

Meanwhile, Ellie was just about to open the bathroom door when someone behind her grabbed her by her shoulder and threw her up against the wall, pinning her to it by her neck.

"Mom" She chocked out her eyes fearful

"So you happy yet?" her mom whispered angrily "Ruined my life enough?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean too" She whispered as tears started to roll down her face

"Let go of her!" Sean yelled as he turned down the corridor and spotted Ellie and her mom.

"This is none of your business!" Ellie's mom hissed angrily "Go away"

"If it involves Ellie then it is my business" Sean told her loudly as he walked up to her "Take your hands off her"

"Or what?" Ellie's mom hissed punching Ellie in the stomach causing even more tears to roll down her cheeks.

"Or else" Sean said taking a tight grip on the older woman's hand. She pulled away and glared at him angrily.

"You're a Disgrace, a Mistake and a stupid little brat" she shot at Ellie before storming back into the main hall as Ellie collapsed to the floor crying as pain shot through her chest.

Sean crouched down next to her totally speechless; he wrapped his arms around her and held her protectively while she cried into his shoulder. Neither of them spoke, he just held her tight until the tears slowed. They returned to the main hall, Sean still kept his arm round Ellie protectively and he shared a glare with her mother as they joined Marco and Paige again.

"You ok El?" Marco asked as they sat down

"Fine" Ellie shrugged as an older man approached them.

"Are you Miss Nash?" he asked Ellie

"Yeah" she nodded as he held out an envelope

"I'm your dads solicitor and he left this letter for you." The man said as she took the envelope "I'm sorry for your loss"

"Thanks" Ellie nodded politely fingering the edge of the envelope as he walked away. She looked at the envelope one last time before folding it up and putting it in her pocket.

---

Ellie hadn't spoken since they had arrived back from the wake instead she had sit curled up on the sofa looking at the television her eyes blank. Sean had ordered a pizza and Ellie's slice was still sitting on the plate in front of her, cold and untouched. Paige and Marco had gone back to Degrassi for the afternoon's lessons but Sauve had told Ellie to take the day off if she needed to, Sean had decided it was probably not the best idea to leave her alone so he hadn't returned to school either. The letter from her father remained folded in her pocket, unopened, She hadn't been able to bring herself to read it yet.

"El do you want a hot chocolate?" Sean asked standing up from his position on the sofa. Ellie didn't reply so Sean made her one anyway and placed it on the old coffee table in front of her. "El you have to talk sometime and you should eat something you're worrying me."

"Sorry" Ellie muttered and Sean pulled her into a hug. Her dad's death hadn't hit her until that moment at her dad's grave, It had made it so real and she was still in shock.

"Do you want the hot chocolate?" Sean asked picking up the cup and offering it to her

"No, Thanks. I think… I think I'll go to bed. I'm tired" she told him sitting up

"Ok" Sean said as she stood up and left the room.

Ellie entered the dimly lit bedroom and pulled out the letter from her pocket. She unfolded it and fingered the opening carefully, she was torn as to whether she should open it or not, wondering if it would only confirm every word her mother had told her, that he did hate her and he had left them to join the army because of her. Taking a deep breath she carefully ripped open the envelope and pulled out the piece of paper inside. She unfolded the letter and nervously began to read it.

_Ellie. _

_If you're reading this then it means I'm not with you anymore. I knew there was always a risk when I joined the army but it had been a dream of mine since I was a boy and life is there to be lived. The only part of joining the army I really regret is moments of your childhood that I missed, But the time apart made the time together all that more special. You have always been a smart strong willed little girl and you should know I'm and always have been so very proud of you, all those years when you were younger looking after your mother when she should have been looking after you, keeping all her secrets must have been so hard on you and I wish you had been able to tell me but you have always been a loyal child and if someone asked you to do something you would so I see why you didn't. I hope that you keep being that strong individual person who you have always been and I hope you grow up well and achieve everything you ever wanted to. Always remember I'm very proud of you and I love you so much more than you know. I'm leaving the house to your mother so you can keep on living there and I'm leaving half my money to you so you can enjoy it as you want, also so you can go to college and make me even prouder. You'll need to look after your mother for me and keep her on the right track because me not being there is probably going to be hard for her but I know you can stay strong and get yourself through it. _

_I love you lots Ellie, keep on smiling and making me proud. _

_Dad. _

Ellie found herself crying, her dad did love her, he must do and His letter confirmed that. Dropping the letter on the bed she stood up and began to dig through what was now her draw of the dresser. She pulled out her CD case and took out one of her razors before hiding the case away again. Sitting down on the bed she rolled up her sleeve.

"I'm sorry I'm not strong dad" she whispered as she pressed down dragged the blade across her arm.

"I'm sorry I can't be the perfect daughter" she whispered pressing down again and let the blade slice through her flesh deeper this time, a couple of drops of blood dripped onto her dad's letter.

"I'm sorry I believed that you didn't love me, I know in my heart you do but I couldn't see when she would lie to me. Everything's so confused" she sighed making a third and even deeper cut. She was about to go for a fourth when Sean came into the room.

"El, I just thought, School's not finished yet so if you want to go see sau…" Sean started before he spotted the bloodstained razorblade, the letter and the gashes in Ellie's arm.

"What on earth are you doing!" he jumped in and tore the blade from her hand. Ellie jumped up off the bed and backed up into the wall.

"S..sorry" she stuttered nervously as he approached her and pulled her into a hug ignoring the face she was now bleeding on his shirt. She stiffened at his touch at first, he had seemed so angry she though he might lash out at her but now she relaxed into his arms letting her blood and tears soak his shirt.

"It's ok" Sean said kissing the top of her head protectively "I should have known you'd slip and I should have stopped you. Did you read the letter?"

"Yeah" Ellie whispered "He said how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. I should never have believed her." She sighed leaning away from Sean's chest and looking him in the eyes "Look at me now, how can be proud of me when I do this?" she gestured towards he cuts "I'm not half as strong as he thinks and everything he knows about me is a lie, I couldn't even tell him the truth." Sean didn't really know what to say so he held her close to his chest again.

"He'd be proud of you trying to stop like you are and you are strong, look at everything you've been through. You had to be strong to get through it all." Sean pointed out "Look you get some sleep; I'll get rid of this." He told her softly. She nodded and laid down on the bed as he disappeared with her razorblade but a few seconds later she raised her head.

"Sean" she half whispered half shouted after he had left.

"What is it?" he asked returning immediately

"Lie with me" She said looking up into his eyes "please, I don't want to be alone"

"Don't worry I won't leave you" Sean said joining her on the bed and wrapping his arms round her tracing his fingers over the fresh cuts on her arm as she closed her eyes.

---

Ellie insisted on returning to school the day after her father's funeral. She reassured Sean she was feeling better, which she was and that she wasn't thinking straight the day before when she had cut, but she was now and she wasn't going to relapse again. After agreeing to go and see Sauve straight away when they arrived, Sean agreed to let her return to school. They entered the building together hand in hand and they immediately came face to face with Marco, Paige and Ashley. After Ellie had assured them all she was fine she let Sean led her down to Sauve's office.

"Morning Ellie" Sauve smiled as she opened her door "Do you want to come in and talk?" Ellie nodded and kissed Sean goodbye on the cheek before stepping into the councillor's office. "How did the funeral go?" Sauve asked as they took their usual seats. Ellie stalled for a moment trying to think of the right word.

"Good, I guess" she replied with a shrugged "It made It so much more real though, it hit me after we buried him that I am never going to see him again…" she sighed sadly "he left me a letter and when I read it I realised how many lies I told him, he said how proud he was of me and how strong I am but he shouldn't be proud of me and I'm not strong." She sighed "I cut again last night, Sean caught me and stopped me after three cuts but I still did it."

"It sounds like yesterday was a really hard day for you" Sauve commented "So it's understandable you slipped. Can I see your arms?"

Ellie unwillingly rolled her arm warmers down and removed the bandages Sean had put on her that morning so Sauve could see the damage.

"You may be stopping Ellie but these cuts are getting deeper" Sauve commented making a quick note in her book as Ellie looked at her feet.

"I'm trying to stop its just sometimes I just need it." Ellie sighed re applying the bandages and pulling her arm warmers back up.

"Next time you feel like you need it talk to Sean, tell him." Sauve told her "Don't just distract yourself by talking to him, tell him that you feel like you need to cut and that way he'll know what your feeling and you might find that since you shared the thought of needing to cut you don't actually feel like you need it that much anymore." She suggested and Ellie nodded as the bell rang "Come back on Friday at the usual time, or before if you need to." Ellie stood up and picked up her bag.

"See you on Friday" she nodded as she placed a hand on the door knob.

"See you then Ellie, You can do it." Sauve smiled at her and Ellie nodded leaving the room and heading towards homeroom.

---

That night Ellie did what Sauve had said when she needed to cut and told Sean. Sean looked half shocked at her sudden announcement but pulled her closer and ran a finger across her arm warmers promising he wouldn't let her. Ellie started finding the urge to cut lessen and soon enough it had been a whole month since she had last cut. She missed her dad but not too much because he had never really been around that much anyway, she hadn't seen her mom since the funeral, she was doing well in school and enjoying living with Sean.

Winter break was soon upon them and Ellie was looking forward to a much better Christmas than the year before. It was four days before Christmas and Ellie and Sean had just arrived at the mall with Paige, Marco, Dylan, Ashley and Alex where they had planned to go shopping for Christmas presents and decorations.

"I'm so glad term has finally finished" Marco commented as they walked through the mall admiring the decorations.

"Me too" Paige agreed "I'm finally having a break from Spinner glaring at me."

Paige and Spinner had split up a couple of weeks ago and Paige who was still working to buy the items Sean needed to fix spinner's car had been fired from the Dot but had gotten a job with Alex at the Cinema. Alex and Paige had put aside their differences and become, as Paige put it, acquaintances. Alex and Jay were going through a rough patch so she had started hanging out more with Ellie, Paige and Marco.

They headed into several shops collecting bags of presents, Christmas tree decorations and in Ellie and Sean's case a brand new fake tree. Ellie found a little mechanic kit for Sean that was perfect and she got Marco to distract him while she brought it, She got Paige a necklace which Ellie knew she'd love, she picked up a vintage Guns n Roses band t-shirt for Ashley, an Indian movie on DVD and a new t-shirt from Marco's favourite shop for him, then she got some new hoop earrings for Alex and she planned on getting Jay a bottle of whisky some how, probably by getting him to buy it but giving him the money she decided as she paid for Marco's t-shirt. Thinking of buying Whisky for Jay she suddenly remembered her mother, she wondered for a minute how she was doing alone, what she would be doing this Christmas and whether she should get her a Christmas present. She met the others outside the shop and Sighed as Sean put his free arm round her.

"What's up?" Sean asked

"I was thinking about mom" Ellie admitted "its Christmas and she's going to be alone, I haven't seen her in awhile, maybe I should go check in on her and take her a present."

"Ellie you can't seriously be thinking about going to see that woman" Sean said angrily "after everything she put you though and did to you" the rest of the group turned to see what they were arguing about.

"Sean, she's my mom" Ellie told him with a sigh Sean noticed the others were listening and pulled Ellie away.

"Ellie she was abusing you and you're worrying about her being alone?" Sean shook his head

"Please Sean, She is my mom, If you come with me she won't do anything anyway, I want to make sure she's ok." Ellie pleaded

"We'll go and see her tomorrow ok?" Sean sighed "I'm only agreeing because I won't let you go and see her alone."

"Thanks Sean, I know I should hate her but she is my mom and I want to make sure she's ok" Ellie told him kissing him on the cheek and leading the way back to the others.

"Trouble in paradise?" Marco asked them as they rejoined the group

"Everything's fine Marco" Ellie smiled taking Sean's hand "Just couple stuff ok?" he nodded and the group carried on towards the car park where Dylan had parked his and Paige's parent's mini van. They all climbed into the van and begun the short journey back.

---

Ellie took a deep breath as her and Sean reached her old house th next day. She gripped onto Sean's hand a bit tighter and he looked down at her.

"We don't have to do this you know" He commented

"I know but I think I need to" Ellie told him "I Know I'll be ok because you're here"

Sean kissed her on the cheek and they headed up the steps to her house. Ellie unlocked the door with her key and opened it nervously. The stench of stale cigarette smoke, whiskey and sick hit them as they entered the house and Ellie promptly shut the door behind them before leading Sean to the living room. As they passed the kitchen she glanced into it and noticed with a jolt the table was still broken from when her mother had thrown her into it and the smashed plate was still lying on the floor and the blood stained towel was exactly where she had left it.

"Mom?" Ellie asked cautiously opening the living room door where the television was playing quietly.

The living room was scattered with empty bottles and glasses, a couple of ashtrays were overflowing on the table and her mother was lying on the sofa drinking from a whisky bottle.

"Eleanor!" she said sitting up quickly as she spotted her daughter "Finally you've come to your senses and come home, get tidying, you left the place in a state"

"Mom I've just come to see you, I'm not here to stay and I'm not here to clean up after you, I wont, not anymore." Ellie shook her head sadly.

"Don't you dare argue with me!" her mom yelled standing up "get tidying"

"I shouldn't have come" Ellie muttered stepping back and bumping into Sean as her mother approached her angrily and drunkenly. Sean wrapped his arms around her protectively.

"You disobedient little…" Ellie's mom started before she spotted Sean. "Oh its you" She sneered

"Mrs Nash" Sean nodded

"Look mom we just came to see how you were and I think we've seen enough" Ellie told the older woman.

"Ellie, Please stay here." Her mom started her voice a bit softer, almost child-like and needy "Please, I miss you and I don't like living alone." Ellie shook her head

"No, you made a choice when you threw me into the kitchen table, unless you stop drinking and promise me, so I actually believe you, that you'll never hurt me again, I will never move back in." Ellie told her bravely

"I lost your dad, I don't want to lose you too." She pleaded

"You've already lost me" Ellie sighed

"Please Ellie, I'll stop drinking…" She protested

"Well call me when your actually sober and I'll think about it" Ellie told her moving out of Sean's arms and into the hallways "I'll come back and check up on you again sometime when I feel I'm ready." She added before leading Sean out of the house and breaking down into tears on the pavement.

"That was really brave El" Sean commented as he locked the door and joined her

"I feel awful, she needs me and I refused to go back" Ellie told him "I really am selfish"

"El you know as much as I know if you had said yes to moving back in she would have started to hurt you again and she would have kept drinking" Sean pointed out and Ellie sighed

"I wish things were different" She sighed sadly "If dad was here…"

"I know" Sean comforted her putting an arm around her shoulder "Come on lets get back to the apartment."

---

"How about here?" Sean suggested holding up a 'Happy Christmas' banner.

"How about not over the oven" Ellie suggested sensibly rolling her eyes "Put it over the hallway"

"Ok but it without it the kitchen doesn't look festive at all" Sean shrugged as Ellie put the last bauble on the tree.

"Perfect" she smiled as Sean attempted to look at her and topped off the chair he had just stood on to put the banner up.

"It's not funny!" Sean said angrily rubbing the back of his head as Ellie burst out in fits of laughter.

It was Christmas Eve and they had been spending the evening decorating the house with the decorations they had brought in the mall. The entire living room of the apartment had been well and truly decorated, there was tinsel everywhere, an electronic light up Santa next to the door and Ellie had just put up the tree in the corner of the living room next to the television.

Sean pulled himself up from the floor and put the banner down on the chair, he ran round the sofa and grabbed Ellie and started to tickle her.

"Don't laugh at me missy" he said in a playful fake stern voice as Ellie giggled.

"Hey!" Ellie protested as he tickled her and they fell onto the sofa laughing.

Ellie pulled Sean who was on top of her down and kissed him, he returned her kiss happily. She felt his hands exploring her body as they kissed as she played with the hem of his shirt. As his hand ran up her thigh and she ran her own up his body and used it to pull him closer and make the kiss deepen a little. She let her hands wander back down to the hem of his shirt and gently tugged it up and over his head. They pulled apart for a second and Sean looked into her eyes.

"El we can stop…" he started

"No, I want to carry on" she assured him trying to not let her nerves show in her voice.

"As long as you're sure." Sean nodded a small smile playing on his lips

"I'm sure" she nodded in agreement.

"I love you El" he whispered softly as he lent in and kissed her again.

"I love you too" Ellie replied with a small smile in between kisses.

---

Christmas morning arrived and Ellie woke up in Sean's arms on the familiar old sofa, she smiled to herself as she listened to his heavy breathing. She felt safe and happy and she already knew this Christmas was going to be so much better than the last.

A/n Thanks to all my reviewers! Well I'm sorry it wasn't as long as the last few but I'm sure I'll have some longer chapters coming soon :) apart from the funeral I wasn't sure what else to put in this chapter and I only had about a paragraph ready written where as some of the others I've already written ten pages.. But anyway I decided some Sellie fluff was needed :) The next chapter will be up as soon as it's finished I have written 4 pages so far but there's going to be a lot more in it probably, Plus I've been having some music video inspirations at the moment so I've been spending some time working on a few of them too :)


	16. Gotta Get Away

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or Gotta Get Away by Offspring 

Chapter 15: Gotta Get Away 

Sitting on the bed  
and I'm lying wide awake  
There's demons in my head  
And it's more than I can take  
I think I'm on a roll  
But I think it's kinda weak  
Saying all I know is  
I gotta get away from me

tell you something, just ain't right  
My head is on loose but my shoes are tight  
Avoiding my friends cause they all bug  
Life is like a riddle and I'm really stumped  
There's a reason, don't you know?  
Your own preoccupation is where you'll go  
I'm being followed, I look around  
It's only my shadow creepin' on the ground

Sitting on the bed  
and I'm lying wide awake  
There's demons in my head  
And it's more than I can take  
I think I'm on a roll  
But I think it's kinda weak  
Saying all I know is  
I gotta get away from me  
gotta get away from me  
gotta get away from me

whoa...whoa...  
whoa...whoa...

It was two weeks into the spring term and Degrassi had been chosen as the location for a schools quiz which was going to be broadcast on television. There was a buzz in the air as people speculated about the cameras, television crews and the still fresh topic of Rick, Terri's abusive ex-boyfriend returning to the school. Ellie made a point of steering well clear of him, simply because the thought of someone who hurt others like her Mom had hurt her in the school scared her a little. She was quite glad he had missed so much school he had been put down into Sean's grade so she didn't have to share classes with him. Apart from her nervousness about Rick things were going well for Ellie, she had been cut free for over two months and her relationship with Sean had never been stronger.

---

It was Friday afternoon and the Quiz had just finished Ellie, Ashley, Paige, Hazel, Alex and Marco were all sat in their usual seats in the English classroom waiting for English to start. They, like most of the rest of the school, were talking about the Prank played on Rick earlier on that day when a loud shot echoed through the school immediately silencing the room.

"Was that me or did that sound like a gunshot?" Paige asked the others worriedly

"Surely it couldn't have been" Ashley suggested sensibly "Degrassi is a school, why would someone be shooting in the school?"

"Perhaps someone exploded another test tube in chemistry" Hazel suggested

"Or one of the lockers finally gave way" Marco pointed out as Miss Kwan came back from the door way where she had been talking to Mr Radditch.

"Ok everybody, Mr Radditch has just informed me we have a situation going on outside and we have to stay put for awhile" Miss Kwan told the class interrupting their conversation.

"What kind of situation?" Paige asked her curiously.

"There's been two shootings." Miss Kwan informed them all pausing as they all reacted, some students gasped, others just exchanged worried looks. "That's all I can tell you at the moment." She added as they all burst out talking amongst themselves again.

"Wow, shootings at Degrassi…" Marco said worriedly "I wonder who got shot."

"Yeah I wonder who it was" Paige agreed

"I hope Sean's ok" Ellie sighed nervously snapping her elastic band against her wrist.

"Don't worry I'm sure he's fine" Paige told her placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Jimmy's not here" Hazel suddenly commented making the others all look up and over at his usual seat. "He said he was just getting something from his locker"

"Don't worry Haze I'm sure he's fine too" Paige told her comfortingly "He's probably just not allowed to come back to the classroom."

"I hope so" Hazel nodded nervously.

"Craig's not here either" Ashley pointed out noticing the second empty chair of the classroom as Miss Sauve came to the classroom door.

"Miss Kwan can please borrow Hazel for a minute?" She asked Miss Kwan who nodded, Hazel stood up and they all watched as she left the classroom.

The group fell silent guessing what Miss Sauve must have been telling hazel. She came back into the room a few minutes later tears running down her face. Paige immediately went over to her friend and pulled her into a hug.

"Jimmy's been shot" she sobbed "He's on his way to hospital"

"As soon as we can get out of here we'll grab Spin and go over there" Paige promised her as she cried.

Ellie was still sat flicking her elastic band nervously, there was still no word on Sean. The time slowly passed, half an hour later a police officer entered the room and after talking to Miss Kwan instructed the class to leave and not stop to pick anything up.

They did silently, Paige still had her arm round a sobbing Hazel, Ellie was still flicking her elastic band and Marco kept shooting her worried looks. Alex was acting nervously and Ashley was looking round to see if she could spot Craig. Ellie spotted Mr Simpson stood outside of the library as they passed and remember Sean was supposed to be in media immersions with him. She left the group and headed over to the teacher nervously.

"Mr Simpson do you happen know where Sean is?" She asked him nervously "he said he had media immersions with you after lunch"

"He's in the library" Mr Simpson nodded as Ellie breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't on his way to hospital like Jimmy. "He's been through quite an ordeal" Mr Simpson told her as she reached for the door handle of the library "He was involved in a fight with Rick for the gun which he was aiming at other students with but during the fight the gun went off and shot Rick, he died immediately."

"Oh god" Ellie said biting her lip looking up at him "is he alright?"

"Just about, just bear in mind what he's been through ok?" Mr Simpson told her and she nodded and opened the library door, slipping inside. She spotted Sean and immediately ran over to his side and pulled him into a hug which he didn't return.

"I was so worried about you" Ellie told him biting her lip "are you ok?" Sean shrugged and Ellie tried not to feel upset at his seeming lack of interest in her concerns. "Come on lets get you home" she suggested softly. Sean agreed with a small nod and stood up to follow her out of the building.

An awkward silence hung in the air between as they walked back to the empty apartment. Ellie just wanted Sean to open up to her, she wasn't used to being the strong one in their relationship. They entered the apartment in silence still. Sean flopped down on the sofa and Ellie put her bag on the table.

"Shall I order out?" She asked Sean who didn't reply sighing she picked up the phone and ordered their usual pizza anyway. It arrived shortly after and Ellie paid the pizza boy and put the pizza on the table in front of Sean. "here" she said offering him a slice, which he just pushed away. Instead she ate the slice herself before leaning against him and feeling him stiffen slightly. They sat for awhile before Ellie looked up at him.

"Sean are you ok?" she asked concerned, she had never seem him like this before and he was worrying her. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Ellie I shot someone." Sean told her standing up irritably "I fucking shot someone ok? so no I'm not ok. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to be alone." He snapped storming out of the living room into the bedroom Leaving Ellie behind on the sofa snapping the elastic band round her wrist, the urge to cut again growing stronger.

---

It was a long weekend for Ellie. Sean was barely talking to her all he did was sit in front of the television and stare blankly at it or lock himself away in their bedroom leaving Ellie to sleep on the sofa. Ellie knew he was upset but after all the talks he had had with her willing her to open up to him she couldn't help but feel annoyed that he couldn't do the same to her, whenever he did talk to her it was about what type of take out they should get or something equally as none shooting related. Somehow she managed the whole weekend without cutting but her wrist was extremely sore and bruised from all the elastic band snapping she had been doing.

The left the house at the regular time together on Monday morning, Ellie noticed Sean seemed to have cheered up a bit as they walked together in a more comfortable silence towards school only stopping at a paper shop on the corner where, after examining the piles of newspapers, Sean brought one and read it as they finished the walk.

"We're on the front page of some newspaper, look" he commented showing Ellie the paper which had a large front page article about the shooting with a picture of Sean they had acquired from god knows where in the corner. "Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah" Ellie replied watching his new cheerful front carefully "It's Monday and they're still talking about it…" she was about to add 'so why won't you talk to me about it properly Sean?' when a news reporter came hurrying across to them.

"Sean Cameron!" she said enthusiastically

"Come on" Ellie muttered talking Sean's hand and trying to drag him away from the woman.

"Your boyfriend is a Hero" the woman told Ellie "I just want to know how it feels."

"I guess I'm about to find out" Sean shrugged noticing some other students talking amongst themselves and pointing at him.

"Come on Sean lets get inside" Ellie said tugging on Sean's sleeve and he nodded to the news woman before following her in.

The whole school was still in chaos as the staff members were holding group counselling sessions instead of lessons. One of the receptionists directed Sean and Ellie to go and join Miss Sauve's group in the hall. Ellie was greeted by Marco who pulled her into a hug while Sean took a seat, several other students congratulating him on being brave, he nodded back at them smiling taking lapping up all the praise, Ellie noticed it was as if he was a completely different person to the one who had been moping around the house all weekend. What had happened was obviously playing on his mind and in Ellie's eyes it seemed he was dealing with it by first being defensive and then second just trying to think like it never happened and all he had done was 'save' everybody. Ellie exchanged a hug with Paige too before taking the empty seat to Sean's left as a couple of other students filled the final few seats and Sauve started talking.

"Mr Radditch has decided to respond to the events of Friday by giving you all the chance to participate in these group therapy sessions instead of normal lessons, this is so you can all share your thoughts and feelings rather than keeping them bottled up inside." She told them all, she looked around the circle and offered Ellie a small smile "If any of you want to come and talk to me privately afterwards that is fine, my office door is always open."

The session began with Sauve introducing a technique using a mask and getting everyone to take a turn and fill in the sentences Iam… I want… and I need… Marco had just had his turn when the mask got passed to Sean who raised an eyebrow and tried to refuse it but Miss Sauve passed it to him anyway and he rolled his eyes and took his turn.

"I am Sean Cameron, I want some chocolate milk and I need this stupidity to end" He said with a small laugh.

"Sean please, The point of this session is to open up about things connected to the shooting." Miss Sauve sighed "Even if you don't want to use the mask I would still like to hear from you"

"I was faced with a situation and I dealt with it, end of story." Sean rolled his eyes

"Sean its perfectly understandable for people who witness violence to have feelings of guilt…" Miss Sauve started

"Guilt? I stopped Rick from killing people…I sleep like a baby" Sean replied as Ellie sighed, she had heard him crying in his sleep, replaying the scene, he defiantly was not sleeping like a baby.

"But Sean some did die, Rick…" Miss Sauve reminded him

"Luck of the draw" Sean shrugged before standing up and quickly leaving the room as Ellie shook her head and snapped the elastic band round her wrist a couple of times. Miss Sauve turned back to the rest of the group and begun to carry on the session as if Sean had not just walked out.

Soon enough the bell for second lesson rang and Miss Sauve drew the session to a close. The students began to file out and Ellie hung behind.

"How are you doing Ellie?" Miss Sauve asked as Marco, who was the last to leave, promised to wait for her outside. "We missed our last session what with the shooting on Friday."

"I'm ok" she shrugged "it's been tough but I haven't slipped up yet" she told her

"That's great Ellie" Sauve nodded "How's Sean doing?"

"To be honest I don't really know." Ellie sighed sadly "I've tried to get him to open up to me but he just wont, he snaps and storms off. He's spent forever encouraging me to open up to him and he cant even open up to me in return."

"That's a shame" Sauve nodded "I think he's having a harder time dealing with what happened than he wants to let on, maybe he thinks opening up about it is going to make it more real."

"Probably" Ellie nodded

"Well you can't force him to open up but do what you can" Sauve told her "and if you can try and persuade him to come and talk to me sometime ok?"

"Ok" Ellie agreed "I better go see where he went" she added with a sigh

"Ok Ellie, I'll see you on Friday same time same place" Sauve agreed as Ellie left the room.

---

Ellie headed through the school searching for Sean, she eventually found him in the cafeteria surrounded by people who were obviously listening to his story of how he 'fought' off Rick.

"Hey El" he smiled as she approached and offered him a weak smile in return before he stood up. "I'll finish telling you all the story later." He promised the group before taking Ellie's hand and leading her into the hallway. "Mad isn't it?"

"Isn't what?" Ellie asked

"Everything" Sean shrugged as they headed outside "I'm a hero, everyone seems to know my name."

"I know you saved people Sean and you're being treated like a hero, which you are, but you have to face the fact that Ric…" Ellie started

"Sean!" The reporter from earlier came charging up to them

"Oh for god sake" Ellie muttered rolling her eyes "Look, we don't get cable ok, leave us alone" she added taking Sean's arm and beginning to lead him away.

"Sean's mom does though, I interviewed her yesterday, she had a lot to say." The news reported told them making Sean turn round looking nervous.

"You… you spoke to my mom?" Sean asked not quite believing what the woman was saying.

"Come see for yourself" she replied leading the way to a trailer. Sean immediately followed her and Ellie followed along behind nervously, she had barely heard anything about Sean's parents other than they were both alcoholics and lived in wasaga.

The news reporter led them into the trailer and after reading the labels on several tables she selected one which read 'degrassi shooting interviews tape 2' which she promptly slid into the tape player and after a little bit of fast forwarding through a video of Mr Radditch she stopped the tape as the image of a man and a woman sitting together flickered onto the screen.

"Well Sean's had his share of problems, but nothing compared with this kid." The woman who was obviously Sean's mom told the camera

"So did it come as a surprise to you when you heard Sean was a hero?" the new reporter asked her

"Well he always was a strong boy. He's got no fear. And that used to get him into trouble all the time, but it sounds like it saved him his life this time round." Sean's mom told the camera

"He saved a lot of lives." The news reported nodded in agreement

"Yeah." Sean's mom nodded, a few tears coming from her eyes as his dad sat keeping his mouth tightly shut behind her "I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking what if that kid had shot my Sean?! What if I never got to see my baby again?! Oh god. I miss him. I love him so much!!" She whimpered before turning and burying her head in Sean's dad's shoulder.

Ellie looked over at Sean as the tape flickered and the image of Sean's parents was replaced by black and white patterns. He looked like he was about to breath fire, he turned to the reporter.

"Can't you people every keep your noses out of other peoples business?" he burst out angrily standing up and grabbing the woman's computer screen. Ellie stood back and watched as he walked to the door of the trailer and threw it hard on the floor before storming off leaving the woman staring after him. Ellie quickly pushed back her own chair and followed him out ignoring the reporter and following Sean to where Jay and Emma were stood next to Jay's car.

"Sean they clearly love you!" The reporter yelled from the trailer

"Yeah and I'm full of love today!" Sean yelled back not bothering to turn round

"Woah buddy" Jay said rasing an eyebrown as Sean reached the car Ellie hurrying across behind him.

"Move." Sean told him sharply "Shut up" he added as Jay opened his mouth "I'm driving, get in"

"Sean calm down!" Ellie told him as she reached his side

"No. You wanted me to express myself. This is me expressing myself." Sean told her angrily before spotting Emma stood next to the car "Emma, you coming or what?"

Emma raised an eyebrow and then shrugged and climbed into the back seat, Ellie slipped into the back too as Jay and Sean climbed into the front. Sean slammed the door and started the car.

"Where we headed?" Jay asked turning on the CD player so that loud R'n'B music filled the car.

"Wasaga Beach" Sean told him as he put his foot down and drove promptly away from Degrassi.

---

The journey to wasaga was a tense one. Sean was obviously fuming about the news reporter interviewing his parents and none of the other three passengers seemed to think it was a good idea to bring up the subject while he was controlling the car so the only noise that could be heard was the loud thumping of Jay's music. It took two hours of travelling before they pulled up outside a set of slightly shabby cabin houses about half a mile from the beach.

Once they arrived Sean climbed out of the car and the others did too, jay breaking the silence that had settled between them all.

"Is it a House? Is it a Lunch box?" He smirked taking off his glasses and examining the closest cabin.

"It's where I was born" Sean told him bluntly slamming the car door

"Sean maybe you should cool off a bit first" Ellie suggested sensibly

"We've been driving for two hours, I'm cool" Sean told her storming away from the car

"Sean…!" Ellie started but Emma promptly interrupted her

"Don't" she told Ellie quickly "he should have done this years ago"

Ellie rolled her eyes and her fingers instinctively reached for her Elastic band which she begun to snap nervously against her wrist.

"Yo Red stop with the psycho act already" Jay told her leaning on the car roof, Ellie just glared at him as Emma picked at her nails.

They waited for about half an hour, Getting bored. Jay began to tap the rhythm of the song playing from his radio on the car room, Ellie was still nervously flicking at the elastic band, nervous for Sean and Emma was examining her finger nails closely but she kept stopping too look up and see if Sean was returning. Then suddenly Sean came storming back.

"Right! Lets go!" he told them angrily

"Since we're already skipping and the beach is like five minutes away how about we stop for a bit? At least for lunch, you might not be hungry but I sure am" Jay told Sean.

"Whatever as long as it's away from this house" Sean told him climbing into the passenger seat and letting Jay take back control of the car.

"Righty-o away from the lunchbox" Jay said turning on the engine as the girls climbed in "Ow!" he added as Sean punched him on the arm.

"I may hate this place but I was born here" Sean told him sharply as they started to move away.

They reached the beach in five minutes as Jay had predicted and stumbled back out of the car and down onto the sands where Jay and Sean (who had promptly gotten over his angry once he realised he was hungry) led the way to the nearest food stand and began to order food.

"Yo red you got any cash?" Jay asked suddenly turning round to the two girls who were following behind

"Please tell me you aren't expecting me to pay for this" Ellie rolled her eyes remembering back to the summer before when she had regularly had to pay for Jay to be fed.

"What did you expect?" Jay smirked and Ellie shook her head

"This is the last time" she told them "go on order what you all want, I'll pay." Ellie sighed taking out her purse. "You too Emma" she added to the blonde as Jay and Sean started ordering their food.

"Are you sure?" Emma asked nervously

"Yeah, I'm like their cash machine apparently" Ellie shrugged "I have enough don't worry"

"Ok" Emma replied with a small smile

Once they had all gotten their food and Ellie had paid up they headed down the sands, found a good spot and started to eat. It was a pretty cold day and Ellie soon found herself shivering as she ate.

"What a great Idea jay lets go down on the beach in the middle of winter" she said rolling her eyes as Jay shoved a handful of fries into his mouth

"I thought I'd be pleasing you Red" Jay smirked after he swallowed his mouthful "vampires don't like the sun do they" he laughed and Ellie rolled her eyes again.

"I though pigs preferred rolling in mud to rolling in sand" Ellie shot back as Jay piled another handful of fries into his mouth.

"And for that comment" Jay said swallowing the last fry "I vote we bury these two in the sand, what do you say Cameron?" Jay asked Sean who was concentrating more on his thoughts than what was going on

"Oh, what? Bury them? Ok then" He agreed a small smile returning to his lips

The two boys begun digging a large hole and after a brief fight put up by Ellie and Emma an hour later they found themselves buried so that only their heads were visible.

"Lets leave them here" Jay laughed knocking the sand off his hands as Sean stared into the distance Ellie looked up at Sean and then across to where some tall dark haired guy was pushing a jet ski towards the water. "Who you checking out?" Jay asked looking over at the guy too "I only see some guy"

"That's Tyler" Sean said adverting his eyes back to the buried girls

"The kid you deafened?" Emma asked looking across

"In one ear" Sean shrugged "Thought he was tough, I was tougher"

"He got deaf in one ear and you got sent to toronto?" Jay asked "I say this kid owes you"

"Sean don't" Ellie said as Sean stood up but he ignored her as she pulled herself out of the sand, Emma following.

"I say he does too" Sean agreed as The girl brushed themselves off.

Ellie, Jay and Emma followed Sean who had his eyes firmly fixed on the the boy who was heading back to a stand with jet ski's propped round out.

"Sean, your not thinking straight, please don't do something stupid" Ellie said hurrying up to his side.

"I'm not an idiot El, I'm not gonna do anything" Sean told her quickly but some how Ellie didn't believe him.

They approached the stand and Jay pushed passed Sean and approached Tyler, who was looking the other direction.

"So uh what's it gonna cost to rent one of these things?" Jay asked casually "You know" he added before covering one eyes and talking in a deaf persons voice "one of these things?!"

Tyler spun round and glared at Jay before he spotted Sean and he turned on him grabbing him by the collar and trying to hit him.

"Never thought you'd be stupid enough to come back here Cameron!" Tyler sneered aiming a punch directly at Sean's nose but Jay grabbed his arm and held it still.

"Stop it! Stop it already!" Ellie shouted grabbing Sean's arm only to be knocked back off him

"Papers think he's some kind of hero. Wrestling gunslingers" Tyler smirked with a small laugh

"Didn't know you could read." Sean spat angrily

"Saw your picture." Tyler laughed "Recognized the eyebrows." He laughed again "Pissed? Go on. Sucker punch me in the other ear and flee town. That's your move isn't it?"

"Let's go." Sean said shaking of Jay and glaring at Tyler

"Or do you kill and run these days? Cause the kid died this time. Didn't he… hero?" Tyler laughed again

Sean spun back round and aimed his fist directly at Tyler's face only to find Jay holding his arm back.

"Sixty bucks, sixty minutes." Tyler said as Sean dropped his arm and just returned to glaring at him "But free for you trailer park boy. Wouldn't want to take your lunch money…again!" he added with a final cruel laugh holding up a pair of keys which Sean snatched, ignoring Tyler who was still laughing he helped himself to a wetsuit and found the jet ski which the key worked before storming off to get changed. He returned minutes later and dragged the jet ski down to the water. Jay and Emma stayed up the top of the beach but Ellie followed him down.

"So that was fun." Ellie commented as she watch Sean pulling the jet ski into the water "Meeting Tyler."

"Good times." Sean replied bluntly not looking up at her

"He Got a lot off his chest." Ellie nodded "Sean…"

"What?" Sean snapped looking up at her

"Your stories don't really mesh…" She pointed out

"What so you believe him then?" Sean asked coming up the beach a bit

"I don't know what to believe ok?" Ellie sighed "Look Sean I am trying to understand what you're going through but you won't even talk to me!"

"You want me to talk?" Sean asked walking up til they were a few feet apart "Fine! I'll talk" He yelled "When the gun went off, my hand was covered in warm liquid. I thought I pissed myself, but then I realized that I was drenched with Rick's blood." He yelled angrily before taking a step back and looking at his feet "And then, and then when he fell… I…" he added a little softer, tears springing to his eyes.

"Sean… " Ellie said softly reaching out to him

"No!" he yelled pushing her hand away and backing down the beach

"Sean!" Ellie yelled after him

"You're not doing this to me!" He yelled back up the beach to her

"Doing what?" Ellie asked "Sean!"

Sean turned round and grabbed the jet ski, throwing a leg over her turned the key and sped off out to sea. Ellie stood nervously watching him as he circled a bit and then suddenly he turned too tightly and the jet ski flipped over and he disappeared from sight.

"Sean!" Ellie yelled as he disappeared her heart was pounding in her chest, she was about to jump in the water to go try and save him as Tyler suddenly came across the water on another jet ski.

Jay and Emma Joined Ellie's side and watched as Tyler pulled Sean out of the water and dragged him back across to the sure where Emma jumped on him and started pumping his chest before Ellie or jay even had chance to breathe.

"Sean? Wake up!" Emma said as she pumped, Ellie began flicking her wristband nervously but she promptly stopped and took a deep breath as Sean sat up and began coughing up water.

"What happened?" he asked slightly confused holding his head

"Sean, You nearly drowned. Tyler saved your life." Ellie told him gesturing towards the older boy was was lying on the beach further down catching his breath

Sean followed Ellie's eye-line and gave Tyler a small not before following back down and taking some deep breaths.

"Do you want a drink?" Ellie asked him as she sat up again

"Yeah please El" he replied offering her a small smile, she stood up and Jay followed her towards the snack stand leaving Sean and Emma behind.

"What do you want?" Ellie asked as Jay lent on the counter next to her

"I thought I'd help you with Cameron's drink" Jay shrugged

"And…" Ellie prompted knowing Jay wouldn't be there unless he had something to be there for

"Because I'm thirsty too" He laughed "You can read me like a book Nash"

Ellie ordered the two drinks and passed Jay his before turning round where they saw Emma and Sean deep in conversation. Ellie bit her lip nervously something which Jay noticed.

"Don't worry Cameron loves you like crazy, he hates Greenpeace, Even if she's trying her luck she's got no chance" Jay shook his head "I reckon she's just trying to be all grown up and bossy again, she's a complete control freak"

"Sounds like you don't like her" Ellie commented

"She's probably ok but she is annoying and when Sean was with her she control his every move" Jay shrugged "Anyway you can talk, you've been glaring at her all day" he added

"Well she's all over my boyfriend so I think I have a right to glare" Ellie rolled her eyes "come on before she persuades him to join one of her little clubs"

They headed back down the beach and Sean accepted the drink gladly and took a few swigs straight away. After while Sean headed off and got changed and they climbed back into Jay's car.

"Lets get home then" Jay said starting the engine

"Actually I think I'll go back and talk to my parents again if you guys don't mind" Sean asked and Ellie watched biting her lip as Emma smiled one of her sickly sweet smiles at him.

The three teens found themselves stood around Jay's car waiting for Sean for the second time that day. Ellie and Jay were arguing over the idea of holding a Party at Sean and Ellie's while Emma was reading a book she had produced from her bag as Sean re-appeared his face tear streaked and his hands in his pockets causing them both to promptly shut up as he approached nervously.

"I told them everything" Sean said as he reached Ellie, looking down at his feet as he spoke.

"Come on lets get you home" Ellie said softly.

"Ellie… I" Sean started nervously looking her in the eyes

"Your staying aren't you" Ellie sighed guessing why he was so nervous

"Yeah" he nodded

"But Sean… I Love you…" Ellie said tears brimming in her eyes

"I love you too…" Sean replied sadly "But I need to stay, too deal."

"But I Need you" She whispered softly

"You can do it Ellie" Sean said placing a hand on her shoulder "You don't need me, you'll be fine, you can stay at the apartment and get student welfare" Sean told her before pulling her close and adding in a whisper so Emma and Jay couldn't hear "if you can stop cutting you can do this too, I know you can."

"Get off me" Ellie yelled angrily "After everything, right now this is the last thing I need. I hate you Sean, if I never see you again it'll be too soon."

She pulled away and climbed into the passenger seat of Jay's car slamming the door loudly.

"Bye Man" Jay said pulled Sean into a 'manly' hug and clapping him on the back as Emma climbed into the back seat of the car. He climbed into the car too and started the engine the loud rap music echoing though the air again as they pulled away from Wasaga, away from Sean.

Ellie lend over irritably and turned Jay's music off, he turned to look at her and went to put it back on but she shot him a glare which made him put his hand back on the steering wheel. After Ellie turned off the rap music silence filled the car, the only thing breaking it was Emma's persistent sniffling that was drifting over from the back seat. Ellie couldn't understand why the girl had to sit there sobbing over a boy she had dumped well over a year ago, Ellie bit her lip fight back her own tears which she refused to let fall and clenching her fists digging her finger nails into her palms as Jay drove.

A/n I was going to perhaps add a bit more to this chapter but I figured it was long enough plus I haven't updated in while, mainly due to lack of inspiration but most of the next chapter is written I just have to do some changing round (because I wrote it along time ago and it includes Paige driving a car but she's banned…) and perhaps add a bit more because I have a feeling its not that long… most likely later in the week. fingers crossed

I just have to point out I love Sellie but I need Sean to still go away for a bit but be warned this isn't the last Ellie will see of him, It might be a little while but he will return ;)


	17. If You Live by the Sword

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or If You live by the Sword… You die by the Sword by And then I turned seven.

Chapter 16: If You Live by the Sword... You Die by the Sword. 

_I open my eyes, but still manage to dream._

_This cold bathroom floor just feels like home to me._

_I stumble to the mirror, and naturally start to clean. _

_But my bodys scorned with marks that say 'These aren't the last lines that i'l see'_

_So please cut this string, attached to my wrists. _

_And buried in my shaking palm, I hold this evil in my fist. _

_I relive my pain with every scar_

_It's a battlefield of memories, that just wont go away, for me..._

_This world has tied me down, and the knot keeps tightening _

_Cause i'm just a puppet dangling from this breaking string. _

_But mabye i'll turn this blade the other way _

_And roll up my sleeves to let the scars show my mistakes. _

_So please cut this string, attached to my wrists. _

_And buried in my shaking palm, I hold this evil in my fist. _

_I relive my pain with every scar_

_It's a battlefield of memories, that just wont go away, for me..._

_You couldn't make the cut, so now you'll make this cut _

_You couldn't make the cut, so now you'll make this cut _

_You couldn't make the cut, so now you'll make this cut _

_You couldn't make the cut, so now you'll make this cut _

_No I won't crawl back just to bleed _

_Forgive me, I promise i'll stay clean. _

Ellie slipped into the dimly lit apartment she had shared with Sean until two hours ago. The whole atmosphere of the place seemed to have changed from happy and homely to dark and quite scary. She put her bag down on the sofa, letting a few tears fall down her cheeks as she realised exactly how alone she was. She slipped into the bedroom and went over to the dresser and picked up a picture of Sean and herself which Alex had taken during the summer and given to her as a birthday present. She looked at their happy faces before turning and throwing the picture up against the wall above the bed. The glass Shattered and the picture itself landed on the pillow. Ellie sat down on the bed, the tears coming harder now as she pulled off her arm warmers and examined her healing arms. She looked from them to the shattered glass and paused for a second before grabbing the largest, sharpest shard and digging it across her arm with as much force as she could muster. The cut wasn't very deep, Ellie dropped the shard and watched as it slowly filled with blood.

Sean had left her with nothing apart from an empty flat and a drunken mother. Suddenly a thought flashed though her mind, who would even care if she took a razor and cut so deeply she bled to death? She sat staring at her arm for awhile thinking. If she did it then finally she would end the pain once and for all, no drunken or abusive mothers, no dead or absent fathers, no boyfriends who obviously didn't care about her, no school, no pressure, no nothing. Making up her mind she stood up, not caring that the blood welling up in the cut she had just made was now dripping down her arm onto the bed sheets. She slipped over to her draw and pulled out her beloved CD case. She took it with her into the bathroom and sat down on the floor next to the bath. Un-zipping the case she ran her fingers over the collection inside before picking out once of the sharpest razors she owned and putting the case down on the floor next to her. She pressed her chosen razor down on her arm and pressed harder than she ever had before, she winced a little at first but then made another cut, deeper yet a bit further down, carrying on the process until both her arms were covered in cuts ranging in depth. Pain shot through her arms as she let the razor slip from her hand as blood started flowing silently down her arms she lent backwards closing her eyes as her head became woozy and everything faded to black.

---

"Have you seen Ellie today?" Paige asked walking up beside Marco in the corridor after homeroom on Tuesday morning.

"No I haven't" Marco said shaking his head with a small sigh "But she wasn't around for most of yesterday either" he added thoughtfully "Maybe she's sick or something"

"I'm worried about her" Paige admitted pulling Marco aside into a quieter corridor where they had a little more privacy "I've just heard from Alex that Jay, Ellie, Emma and Sean went to Wasaga yesterday"

"Isn't that where Sean's parents live?" Marco asked Paige confused

"Yes, and According to Alex, Sean didn't come back he stayed with them" Paige told Marco "He split up with Ellie down there and left her to come back with Jay and Emma"

"What?" Marco said confused "I thought they were fine, their relationship was going fine she moved in with him what a couple of months ago…"

"The shooting must have played with Sean's head or something but I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about Ellie" Paige admitted "The fact she's not turned up for school is making me more concerned she's still recovering from her cutting again and I'm really worried she's done something stupid" a worried look crossed Marco's face too as Paige shared her fears "I was going to skip lunch and go see her, but I'm really worried about her and if she's done something stupid…" Paige told him.

"Lets go now." Marco said immediately, "I'll come with you, I can drive us in Dylan's car since your still banned and he lent it me for the day." Marco suggested and Paige nodded in agreement.

---

Both Paige and Marco were silent on the short drive to Sean and Ellie's apartment. Once they arrived Marco was the first to jump out of the car and Paige followed him cautiously to the door where he knocked loudly to no response.

"Ellie? Are you there?" Marco yelled before he knocked again. The apartment appeared empty.

"Can you hear anything?" Paige asked making Marco pause and listen carefully for a second before shaking his head

"No" He replied biting his lip

Marco started to hammer on the door again before he reached down and tried the doorknob which turned and opened. Blushing a little at his own stupidity for not checking if the door was locked earlier Marco led Paige into the darkened house.

"What if she's done something stupid and we're too late?" Marco asked voicing his worst fear in a whisper as Paige shut the door behind them.

"Don't think like that" Paige scolded him quietly "we have to think positively for Ellie's sake"

Marco led them round the apartment, the living area was quite messy two sets of breakfast remains were still on the table Ellie's coat was thrown on the sofa. Looking into the bedroom the un-made bed had the odd item of clothing scattered across it, a broken picture frame containing a picture of Sean and Ellie lay on one of the pillows, shards of glass covering the top half of the bed, Marco lent closer to the picture and realised with a jolt the bed also had the odd blood spot on the dull grey sheets. More worried than when he had first stepped foot in the house Marco headed to the last room, the bathroom. He pushed open the door and looked hesitantly inside un-sure of exactly what he might see. He uttered a small scream as he saw Ellie collapsed on the floor in a puddle of blood with a razor next to her hand.

"Paige! Call 911!" He yelled and Paige, who was still in their bedroom examining the picture came hurrying over to the door way.

"Oh god Ellie!" She said dropping the picture and pulling out her cell phone before quickly dialling 911.

Marco examined Ellie's tear stained face and the deep cuts on her arms he placed his fingers on her clammy skin but still slightly warm desperately trying to find a pulse.

"911? I we need an ambulance" Paige told the operator on the other end of the phone "We think our friend's tried to kill herself"

Marco realised there were tears falling down his cheeks as he carried on feeling for a pulse half listening to Paige's conversation with the operator, He suddenly felt it a light beating under his fingers and he looked up hopefully.

"She's alive!" he said loudly as he grabbed the two towels off the bath and wrapped one round each of Ellie's arms as he picked up her right arm the blade clattered to the floor into the puddle of blood. "Come on Ellie don't leave me" he whispered stroking her head gently with his hand.

"There sending an ambulance straight away" Paige told Marco as she hung up her face pale "Are you ok Marco?" Paige asked putting a supportive hand on his shoulder as he held Ellie's hand with one hand and stroked her head with the other.

"I will be, when she is" Marco said tears running down his cheeks.

There was a sudden knock on the open door and Alex and Jay Entered the apartment.

"Hey, we thought you might have come over so we just came to see how..." Alex started before she spotted the state Ellie was in "Oh God…" she muttered

"She's alive" Paige told them "Just, the ambulance is on its way" she added

"I'll go wait for it" Jay suggested uncomfortably and Paige nodded gratefully as he left the house.

"This is my fault, I should have told you guys last night" Alex spoke up her voice quiet with tears in her eyes.

"No its not Hun, you had no idea she would do this" Paige comforted Alex from her place next to Marco "if its anyone's fault it's Sean's he shouldn't have left her alone while she was still having such a hard time."

"Ambulance is here" Jay's voice yelled out from the living area as he led two paramedic's into the flat.

The Paramedics set to work on Ellie immediately, once they had bandaged her cuts tightly to help stem the blood flow they gave her a drip and carried her out into the ambulance. Bath Paige and Marco wanted to go with her but as there was only space for one of them Paige agreed to let Marco go with Ellie and She accepted the offer of a lift from Jay.

"Do you think I should call Sean?" Paige asked as she climbed into the back seat of Jay's car

"Not sure that would be a good idea Princess" Jay said climbing into the drivers seat "She was screaming at him about Hating him and not wanting to see him again before we left Wasaga.

"Oh" Paige said putting her cell phone away "I guess she won't be too amused if we call him then, I'll wait till she's awake and see if she wants to talk to him or see him and if she does I'll call him later for her."

---

Marco and Ellie arrived at the hospital a few minutes after they left the apartment. Ellie was immediately rushed into the resuscitation room and Marco was left at the door watching as the doctors treated her. He was joined ten minutes later by Paige, Alex and Jay. They hadn't been waiting long until a Nurse came out and approached them.

"Are you four with Miss Nash?" The nurse asked

"Yes we are" Paige nodded "How is she?"

"We've stabilised her and she's been given a blood transfusion to replace the blood some of the blood she has lost." The Nurse told them "Is there a way we can get hold of her parents?"

"Well you could get hold of her mom" Marco said quietly "But she's likely to be passed out or drunk and Her dad's dead"

"Ok, well could I have the details for her mom then and we'll try and get hold of her." The nurse nodded and Paige scribbled the number down on a piece of paper and handed it to the nurse.

They waited for a little longer before the resuscitation room doors opened and two nurses wheeled a bed with Ellie on it out. Marco immediately jumped to her side and Paige put a hand on his shoulder as the nurses stopped the bed and he kissed her on the forehead.

"Oh El" he whispered sadly. She was still extremely pale, her arms were bandaged and the blood transfusion was still entering her blood stream through a canula in her hand.

"We're moving her up to a private room, your more than welcome to come up with us" one of the nurses told them.

"Ok" Paige nodded as Marco took hold of Ellie's hand that didn't have the drip in it and he walked along side the bed as it moved, the other three followed behind too.

Once they reached the private room Alex and Jay left Paige and Marco with Ellie promising they would come back and visit once she was settled in. Half an hour after Ellie had been wheeled into the private room a Doctor came into the room.

"You're With Miss Nash?" He asked Paige who was stood by the door and Marco who was stroking Ellie's hair while leaning over the side of her bed.

"Yeah, we are" Paige nodded

"I'm Doctor Reeves I've been treating Ellie, you'll be pleased to know she's stable" he told them, "they've just finished stitching her up but I'd like to ask some questions about her if you wouldn't mind as we haven't been able to contact her mother yet"

"Sure." Paige agreed looking over at Marco who was concentrating on Ellie and talking to her softly.

"Ok First, For records, you are?" He asked

"I'm Paige Michalchuck" She replied

"Right" He nodded scribbling it down on his clipboard "is this the first time she's tried to Kill herself?" He asked

"Yes as far as I know" Paige nodded

"There are other scars on her arms too…" He pointed out

"She used to cut herself, but she had been trying to stop." Paige told him "She's been seeing Miss Sauve our school councillor for about a year and as far as I know the past couple of months she had been doing really well and hadn't cut at all."

"That makes sense the other scars are fairly old" Doctor Reeves replied taking notes "Also has she ever had any other mental health problems to you knowledge?" He asked

"No I don't think so" Paige replied shaking her head

"What about her home life?" Doctor Reeves asked

"Well her mother is an alcoholic…" Paige told him "Ellie's practically admitted she can get quite…" Paige paused to think of the right word "Aggressive sometimes when she's drunk…"

"Ok" Doctor Reeves nodded jotting this down "What about her father" he added.

"He was a solider, but he left to fight in Kabul but He died in action a few months ago." Paige told him. "She had moved out the day after her dad died and she's been living with her long term boyfriend but they broke up yesterday."

"Ok Thank you Miss Michalchuck that should do for now, she's currently still recovering, her body is in a severe state of shut down so were pumping fluids and blood into her at the moment but if you both want to stay with her still I'm sure that would be ok." Doctor Reeves told them "she'll have to have a psychiatric check over once she wakes up and the chances are she may have to be sectioned for awhile and put into a rehabilitation clinic where she will have to live for as long as it take for her to not be a threat to herself."

Paige nodded silently in response as a figure stumbled into the room.

"Can I help you?" Doctor Reeves asked turning to look at the dishevelled figure in front of him and the Nurse who had just entered the room behind it.

"This is Mrs Nash, Ellie's Mother" the nurse said making the introduction before Paige had chance, as soon as the Nurse had introduced Ellie's mom Marco looked over from Ellie's bedside at his friend's mom. It was easy to see she was drunk, he hair was messy and she looked unstable.

"Where's Ellie? What's going on?" She asked her words slightly slurred

"Your daughter is recovering from severe blood loss, she tried to kill herself" Doctor Reeves informed her

"What do you mean, kill herself?" Her mom asked a hint of confusion and annoyance in her voice.

"She was found with twenty deep gashes on her arms, which have now been sewn up. She nearly bled to death but she's stable now and we've given her a blood transfusion to replace the blood that was lost." Doctor Reeves told her

"You're lying, Ellie wouldn't do that." Her mom said with a sneer "this is all some sick joke, did that boyfriend of hers put you up to this?"

"No Mrs Nash this isn't a sick joke" Doctor Reeves told her

"I don't believe you" Mrs Nash replied

"See for yourself Mrs Nash." Doctor Reeves suggested gesturing towards Ellie lying in the hospital bed before turning to the nurse "Can you get her a coffee?" he added in a half whisper

The Nurse nodded and left the room, while Mrs Nash stepped towards her motionless daughter and Marco who was still standing next to the bed holding her hand.

"This is a sick joke" Ellie's mom said walking over to Ellie and beginning to shake her. "Get up Eleanor! Get up now this isn't funny!" as she went to slap Ellie the Nurse returned and handing the coffee to Doctor Reeves she restrained Ellie's mom just in time. The Nurse then escorted Mrs Nash from the room.

"Do you know if there's anyone Else we could contact for her, someone more responsible than her mother?" Doctor Reeves asked raising an eyebrow at Ellie's mom's behaviour as the nurse forcibly removed her from the room.

"I don't think so." Paige told him and Marco shook his head

"Ok well we'll talk to her mother later once she's sobered up a bit" Doctor reeves told them "Thanks for you help, I'll be back to check on Ellie soon" he added before he left the room.

Once Doctor Reeves had left Paige join Marco at Ellie's bedside and placed a hand on his shoulder as he sat down on the chair next to Ellie's bed.

"Maybe I should ring our Parents and get them to come and get us" Paige suggested

"You can but I'm not leaving Ellie." Marco told her

"Marco what are you going to do sleep here?" Paige asked him

"Yes" Marco replied "I don't want her to wake up alone"

"Ok" Paige sighed knowing Marco wasn't going to change his mind "How about I call Dylan to come and pick me up then I'll call round your parents and make sure they know where you are on the way back? Then I'll come back tomorrow morning and you can go home and get some sleep while I stay with her…"

"Ok" Marco agreed not taking his eyes off Ellie "As long as she's not alone."

"She won't be" Paige nodded "I'll go call Dylan now."

Paige left the room and Marco kiss Ellie on the forehead.

"Come on El you can get through this" he whispered softly squeezing her hand.

---

The Next morning Marco was woken by movement near his head he shot up and yawned tiredly his back was sore from the position he had been sleeping in and it took a few minutes for him to realise he was in a hospital room and Ellie was stirring on the bed in front of him.

"El?" Marco asked as she opened her eyes a little and took in her surroundings

"Marco? What's going on?" she asked confused

"Ellie, do you remember what happened?" He asked softly

She concentrated hard and shook her head as she looked round the small white unfamiliar room.

"Your in hospital, You collapsed" Marco told her "From blood loss"

Memories came flooding back to Ellie as Marco said blood loss. Sean leaving, The Empty apartment, the picture, the blade, blackness.

"Ellie did you try and kill yourself?" Marco asked sadly

Ellie bit her lip as tears slid down her face as the memories of Sean leaving her flooded back and she nodded a little.

"Oh El" he said sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling her into a hug. "Why?" he asked softly

"I don't know" she whispered "I guess I just couldn't take it anymore" she told him through the tears "I felt so alone"

"You'll never be alone El" Marco told her kissing her on the top of the head as she sobbed into his shoulder.

Marco held her for nearly an hour while she sobbed until Doctor Reeves came into the room making him looked up.

"Miss Nash?" He asked and Ellie nodded wiping her eyes with a bandaged arm as she pulled away from Marco who took her other hand and squeezed it a little. "I'm Doctor Reeves, I've been treating you." He told her. "Tomorrow morning you'll be removed from the hospital and transported to Forest View Rehabilitation centre for under 21's" Doctor Reeves explained and Ellie nodded "Your mother was in a rather drunk state when she arrived to see you and your other friend Miss Michalchuck informed us this was a usual occurrence." Ellie nodded a little, slightly wary of him "so last night while she recovered in a relatives room and you were unconscious we arranged for her to join a program to help her stop drinking so that hopefully she will be sober by the time you return from Forest View." Ellie highly doubted that would happen but nodded along anyway, maybe joining a proper rehab program in he hospital would help her mom finally kick the habit.

"How long will I be in the centre for?" Ellie asked nervously

"It depends on how fast you recover to be honest, you will however be there at least a month but after that it will depend." Doctor Reeves replied "Here's a small leaflet about Forest View to give you an idea of the place. Do you have any other questions?"

"Will I be able to finish my school year?" Ellie asked taking the leaflet

"I'm sure something could be arranged with your teachers perhaps via email as Forest View has some great computer facilities and I know other people have continued with school work that way, I shall contact your school and find out whether that would be ok." Doctor Reeves said standing up "anything else?"

"Will I be able to visit her?" Marco asked

"Yes you will be able to visit Ellie during visiting hours as long as you ring in advance to check your visits wont clash with appointments and sessions on Ellie's time table. You can also ring or email her there's a number on the leaflet just say your calling for her and they'll bring her to the phone." Doctor Reeves nodded "Is that all?"

They shook their heads as the door to the room opened.

"Mrs Nash would like to come see her daughter now" A Nurse said popping her head around the door

"Ok I've finished explaining to Ellie about what is going on so she can come in if that's ok with Ellie." Doctor Reeves said

"I…" Ellie started she was slightly nervous about seeing her mom, what if she hurt her again? Ellie sighed, surely she couldn't hurt her if they were in the hospital with all the nurses and doctors around anyway so maybe she should give her a chance. "Yeah… I suppose" Ellie nodded nervously

"Ok then I'll be back to check on you and supervise the changing of your bandages in about an hour" Doctor Reeves told Ellie before leaving as a Nurse accompanied Mrs Nash into the room.

"How could you do something so Selfish?" Her mom burst out immediately

"Mom…" Ellie started

"Be quiet Eleanor!" Her mother said angrily "First you move out with that boy, now your pulling this stunt!"

"Calm down Mrs Nash or I'll have to remove you from the room" the nurse told her

"I'll remove myself thank you very much" Mrs Nash said "Come on Eleanor were going, before you waste anymore of these peoples time"

Ellie and Marco exchanged glances as the nurse stepped up.

"Mrs Nash your daughter is recovering from attempting to kill herself, she's not about to go anywhere."

"No she's not, she's coming with me!" Mrs Nash said angrily grabbing Ellie's bandaged arm and trying to pull her off the bed "come on young lady"

Ellie's eyes brimmed with tears as her mother grabbed her arm.

"Mrs Nash your hurting her!" Marco said angrily pulling her off his friend, he stop protectively in front of Ellie and her mom rounded on him angrily.

"Why you little…" Mrs Nash started

"Right Mrs Nash if you don't come with me I will have to call security." The nurse said angrily "you need to discuss your rehabilitation program with Doctor Harley anyway."

Mrs Nash took a glance back at Ellie before the nurse led her forcefully from the room.

"I'll be back to check your arm in a minute" the Nurse nodded to Ellie before the door shut.

Marco turned back to her and saw blood had started to seep through her bandages.

Ellie sighed

"Looks like she re opened your cuts." Marco said sitting back down

Ellie nodded as the nurse came back in.

"Ok then" the Nurse Smiled "I've left your mother with Doctor Harley, lets have a look at your arm."

Marco moved a little out of the way and the nurse pulled on some plastic gloves and took Ellie's arm and unwrapped the bandages. Marco looked over and looked at the cuts on her arm, they all looked pretty sore and bruised. Three of them had been knocked back open and were bleeding.

"This one will need re-stitching" the nurse said examining her arm, the other two I'll sterri-strip once I've paged Doctor Reeves, we might as well re-do the lot now."

Ellie nodded as the Nurse paged the doctor and pulled out some sterri-strips.

Soon enough Ellie was re-bandaged and the doctor and Nurse left.

"you should go home Marco" Ellie told him

"I don't want to, I want to stay here." Marco said suppressing a yawn

"Honestly Marco I'll be fine.." Ellie protested

"I'm not leaving. That's that" Marco told her

Ellie sighed and Marco picked up the Forest View brochure.

"It looks nice…" Marco said looking up from it

"Yeah but what's everyone going to think at school?" Ellie said voicing her thoughts "they'll think I'm more of a nut job"

"if you don't want people to know where you are you don't have to tell them" Marco told them "let them believe what they want its no one their business anyway."

There was a small knock on the door and Ellie and Marco looked across the room to see Paige.

"How are you feeling?" Paige asked as she entered the room and came over to Ellie's side.

"I'm fine" Ellie shrugged Paige pulled her into a hug as she reached her bedside.

"You can't be fine if you tried to Kill yourself Hun" Paige replied sadly and Ellie avoided her eye and shrugged.

"They're sending her to a Rehabilitation centre" Marco told Paige handing her the brochure.

"Maybe I should just go home instead of wasting these peoples time." Ellie suggested

"El your not wasting anyone's time" Paige told her "Plus if the doctors say you need to go to a rehab centre then you need to go, we want you to get better Hun." Ellie sighed wondering how things were supposed to get better.

---

After an hour and a fair bit of persuasion from Paige, Marco finally left the room and Ellie's bedside as Paige insisted he go get a lift from Dylan, who was waiting in the café downstairs, and go have a shower and get changed. Marco returned two hours later with Dylan who brought Ellie a get well card before informing Paige they had to be home for tea. Half an hour after Paige had left there was another knock on the door and Alex entered the room.

"Hey Vampy" Alex said slightly warily as she entered the room

"Hey Bitch" Ellie retorted a small smile crossing her face.

"How are you feeling?" Alex asked as she joined Marco at her bedside.

"Fantastic" Ellie said rolling her eyes "what did you think?"

"Well I think you look white enough to be a real Vampire right about now, your not growing Fangs are you?" Alex asked

"No" Ellie chuckled a bit "Unfortunately not, but even if I was I wouldn't be around to bite you so don't worry, There sending me to a Rehabilitation centre" Ellie told Alex

"That sucks" Alex nodded "I'll miss seeing you around Vampy"

"I'll miss being around" Ellie sighed "Talking of not being around, I need to tell Mr Martin we don't need the apartment anymore" Ellie suddenly said sitting up.

"I'll do that for you, don't worry" Marco told her squeezing her hand

"And all my stuff… and…his stuff It needs to be taken out too" Ellie said avoiding saying Sean's Name.

"I'll do that too." Marco told her "How about I go and sort it all out now while Alex is here? I'll bring you anything you might want and the rest can stay at mine till you can sort it out ok?"

"Thanks Marco" Ellie sighed settling back into the bed "Oh wait the key…"

"I've got it, Paige locked up before she left after we found you" Marco reassured her.

"Hey Marco Why don't you get Jay to sort Sean's stuff?" Alex suggested "He knows the address, plus he can drive you there, he's down the café chatting up some waitress" she added rolling her eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if he remembers he has a girlfriend already…" she added shaking her head

"I Guess" Marco nodded "I'll be back soon" He told Ellie giving her a kiss on the head before leaving Ellie's room and heading downstairs to the café he had met Dylan in earlier. He spotted Jay sitting on one of the chairs by the counter talking to a blonde, Marco slowly approached the older boy who spotting him coming and bid the giggling waitress goodbye.

"'Sup Del Rossi?" Jay asked as Marco reached him

"Jay could you do me a favour?" Marco asked cautiously

"What is it?" Jay asked raising an eyebrow

"I'm going to go Sort Ellie's things out in the apartment so I was wondering if you could take me and sort out Sean's stuff and send them to him?" Marco asked

"And I should do that why?" Jay replied

"Because you were friends with him… and you also happen to know his address" Marco shrugged "It would help a lot if you could Especially since Ellie is in no fit state…"

"Ok Del Rossi, If it will get me out of this place, I hate hospitals but Alex dragged me along" Jay said standing up from the seat "Come on then Del Rossi lets get this over with" Jay said starting to walk.

---

Three hours of packing and sorting later Jay and Marco had dropped off all of Ellie's possessions which Marco didn't think she would need back at his house, boxed and sent all of Sean's possessions and were heading back towards the hospital.

Alex, Ellie and Paige (who had joined them again) had spent the evening watching some lame television programs and discussing anything and everything but skirting round the topic of Sean and the fact Ellie had tried to Kill herself two days before. Once the boys had returned they had ten minutes before visiting time was supposed to finish, which they spent talking before a nurse came and ushered Paige, Alex and Jay out. Marco however insisted on staying and after a great deal of persuasion the nurse agree so for the second night in a row Marco found himself asleep hunched up across the bed and the chair again.

Ellie however couldn't sleep. She was nervous about moving to the rehabilitation centre the next morning. Her hand was still in Marco's and she hadn't let go of it all night. She closed her eyes a few times and tried to sleep but eventually she gave up instead she turned on the television with her remote control and watched it quietly so not to wake Marco.

At nine o'clock Doctor Reeves entered Ellie's room and Ellie gently shook Marco awake as he entered.

"Good Morning Miss Nash, Mr Del Rossi" He smiled as he entered "Right then, This morning we'll change your bandages then an ambulance crew will come and pick you up as soon as they are free to take you to Forest View which as long as everything goes to plan should be around ten o'clock." Ellie nodded and Marco stepped out of the way as Doctor Reeves and a Nurse who had just arrived began to sort out Ellie's arms.

Once Doctor Reeves and the Nurse were finished and Ellie's arms were sorted out Ellie and Marco were left to wait for the paramedics. They didn't have to wait long, just after ten they arrived and Soon enough they were climbing into the back of the ambulance and loading up Ellie's bag. Then all too soon for Ellie's liking they were on their way to Forest View.

A/n Sorry its been a bit longer getting this up than I would have liked, I've had a lot on, My dad's been back in and out of hospital, I've been doing some re-decorating in my room and staying at my friends a lot as well as fitting in driving lessons and sorting my new laptop out (found out the old one was beyond repair :( ) Plus I was having a hard time getting this chapter out in the first place but I hope Its finally ok… I probably could have done better but yeah… Its just taken me half an hour to get this up because my new laptop has works not word and the file type was wrong so I had to do some copy and paste-ing and I had to write out the entire song because it was being stupid... Anyway I'll update again ASAP!


	18. Because I can

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Because I can by Katy Rose

Chapter 17: Because I Can

I keep on looking through the looking glass  
And I want to fall on through  
Out of the real world to a happy day  
Out of the wreckage that I do

I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close  
I keep on trippin because its free to a place I only know  
I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close  
I keep on slippin out of this life

Still my hand won't go to the other side  
My boney fingers stay locked here  
The glass is cold when I touch my face  
But I can taste my salty tears

I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close  
I keep on trippin because its free to a place I only know  
I keep on dreamin because I can even though my eyes don't close  
I keep on slippin out of this life waiting for the drapes to close

Mirror mirror won't you kiss my cheek  
And tell me I'll be ok  
And warm my spirit with your sugar lips  
And help me wait for another day

The journey to Forest View from the hospital took just under an hour. Once they arrived one of the paramedics stepped out first and unloaded Ellie's suitcase before leading Ellie and Marco towards the front doors. Marco took Ellie's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as they entered the big hallway of the building, Ellie shot him a small smile before taking in her surroundings. They had entered a large old fashioned entrance hall where a few chairs were lined up against one wall with the odd table and a few magazines.

"We've brought Miss Nash from Toronto central hospital." The paramedic told the lady behind the reception desk in the entrance hall.

"Ah we've been expecting her I'll just call someone down" the receptionist smiled before picking up a phone and pressing a large red button and holding a brief conversation with whoever was on the other end of the line before carrying on with the paperwork she had been doing before they arrived.

A Couple of minutes later a lady in her early thirties dressed in a nurses outfit appeared through a glass door to the left of the reception desk.

"You Must Be Eleanor" she smiled to Ellie as she spotted the group.

"It's Ellie" Ellie told her nervously.

"Ok then Ellie." The lady smiled "I'm Nurse Crawly" she added and Ellie nodded. "Right let's go get you settled in then." Nurse Crawly smiled "It's probably best if Ellie stays and settles in by herself" She informed Marco picking up a card from the table "Here, this will tell you the number you need to call to check if you can visit her."

"Ok thank you" Marco nodded taking the card from her and turning to Ellie and pulling her into a hug which she half heartedly returned before he kissed her on the cheek. "Take care El, I'll miss you" Marco told her brushing a strand of hair from her face "Get yourself better ok?" Ellie looked up at him and nodded biting her lip.

Once they had said their goodbyes Nurse Crawly led Ellie away from Marco towards the glass door she had just come through which she unlocked with a swipe card before she led her though.

"Your suitcase will be brought up to your room once it's been checked for items that you aren't allowed on the ward." Nurse Crawly told her "I'll give you a quick tour and hopefully it'll be in your room by the time you get there." Ellie nodded.

"Now It's not the biggest centre of its kind but it makes it all a bit more personal as you get to know everyone much more easily and it also means it's a little more homely" Nurse Crawly began as the went thought the door and she locked it again behind them. Ellie nodded taking everything in as Nurse Crawly led them up the stairs straight opposite; she opened the door at the top of the stairs with another key and led them inside. "Patients aren't permitted to leave the first floor unless accompanied by a member of staff so you wont leave the first floor unless you are accompanied to individual therapy sessions, if you need to be placed into a secure room, visit the hospital wing or if you are being accompanied into the grounds or the courtyard." She informed Ellie as the door clicked shut.

Once Nurse Crawly had finished giving Ellie a full tour of the first floor and had shown her the group therapy room, the TV room, the dining room and toilet she took her over to the corridor where the bedrooms were.

"You'll be sharing a double room." Nurse Crawly told her "will that be ok?" she checked and Ellie nodded. "Here you go then" she added opening the door to a room to her left.

Ellie stepped inside after Nurse Crawly. The room had white walls and a bed on either side with a side table next to each one. At the bottom of each bed was a desk facing the wall with small board above it to put pictures on and next to each desk was a wardrobe. Ellie saw her bag had been placed on the right hand bed. On the left hand bed a skinny girl with medium length Black hair had been lying reading a book until the door opened she was now looking over at them.

"This is Callie your new room mate, Callie this is Ellie" Nurse Crawly introduced them

"Hey" Callie smiled and Ellie nodded to her nervously.

"I'm going to leave Ellie in your hands now" Nurse Crawly told Callie before turning back to Ellie "I'll bring your timetable up later so you know when you'll have your sessions."

Nurse Crawly left the room and Callie sat up.

"What are you in for?" she asked bluntly

"What?" Ellie asked not expecting the question

"Why are you in here? You've got to be in for something" Callie smiled "I'm Anorexic" she added with a shrug.

"I…tried to kill myself" Ellie told her and Callie nodded sympathetically. "And I guess for cutting too." Callie nodded again.

"Did Crawly give you the tour?" She asked changing the subject as she put her book down.

"Yeah" Ellie nodded from the door way where she was still stood.

"This place isn't too bad really, You'll get used to it soon enough." Callie smiled

"How long have you been here?" Ellie asked curiously

"Five months last week." Callie sighed before looking up at the clock "Oh It's dinner time" she added "I better head down or they'll come chase me up, do you want to come too and I'll introduce you to some of the others?"

"Sure" Ellie agreed nervously and Callie led her out of the room and down towards the dining room.

A few other patients were in the dining room, Callie showed Ellie where they got the food from before leading her over to a table where three other girls and three boys were already sat.

"Hey Cal" One of the girls greeted Callie "Is this the new girl?"

"Yeah, Everyone this is Ellie." Callie told them all as she took a seat and Ellie slipped into the one next to her

"I'm Molly" The girl who had asked Callie if she was the new girl smiled.

"Hi" Ellie smiled back nervously as the others at the table began to introduce themselves too.

"I'm Izzy" A girl with brown hair said confidently offering Ellie her hand which Ellie shook taking in the scars littering the other girls arm.

"I'm Tyson, this is Jamie and Alex" a Boy with dark brown hair who was sat opposite her said introducing himself and the other boys all in one go. Ellie nodded in response.

"I'm Saph" The third girl introduced herself with a small nod.

Once the introductions were done Ellie started to pick at her food nervously while a couple of the others discussed something that had gone off in one of their group sessions earlier in the day.

"So Ellie where are you from?" Tyson asked her bringing her into the conversation

"Toronto" Ellie told him looking up from her food

"My cousin lives in Toronto" Alex chipped in "She goes to Bardell, which school do you go to?"

"Degrassi" Ellie replied

"I think I've heard of Degrassi, didn't Bardell play your school last year at football or something?" Alex said looking thoughtful

"I Think so, I'm not really one to follow the football and stuff though" Ellie shrugged as a small girl with dark brown curly hair appeared at the table.

"Who are you?" she asked Ellie rudely

"Go away Holly" Callie told the girl

"I was only asking who she is honestly" Holly said rolling her eyes

"I'm Ellie" Ellie told her coolly

"See that's all I wanted" Holly replied folding her arms over her chest "If you want to come sit with some more normal people, your welcome to come sit with Leo, Troy and Me"

"I'm fine here thanks" Ellie told her raising an eyebrow

"Fine stay with the freaks" Holly said wrinkling her nose "I think you put weight on" she added viciously to Callie before leaving. Callie swallowed the mouthful of food she had been chewing and pushed the tray away.

"Urgh, she's such a bitch" Izzy commented glaring at the girls back "Ignore her Cal you look fantastic"

"I Don't feel it" Callie sighed folding her arms over her chest "I'm not hungry anymore anyway"

Ellie couldn't help but feel sorry for her new roommate as she glared Holly's back.

"You should look out for her" Jamie commented to Ellie "she's a right piece of work." Ellie nodded watching Holly giving orders to the two boys she was sat with.

---

The next day was a Friday, Callie left early for a therapy session so Ellie was left alone. She decided to get up shortly after Callie left and get read for her first therapy session. Digging through her wardrobe Ellie pulled out an old pair of black trousers and black band hoody which she quickly threw on before applying a layer of her usual black eyeliner and eye shadow. She was tying her hair back when Nurse Crawly arrived at the door of the room to take her down to the her first private session. Nurse Crawly led Ellie downstairs through several locked doors and unfamiliar corridors to a solid wood door which she knocked on loudly before stepping back waiting for it to be opened. A Doctor in her forties appeared opening the door and looking out.

"Good Morning Sarah" She nodded "You must be Ellie" she added looking over at Ellie who nodded "I'm Doctor Rosewood, Come in"

Ellie entered the room and Doctor Rosewood locked the door behind her.

"So Ellie are you liking Forest View so far?" She asked gesturing for Ellie to take a seat which she did before shrugging. "How about your Roommate are you getting on ok?" Doctor Rosewood asked opening up a file. Ellie shrugged again. "Ellie talking is essential in these sessions for me to be able to help you"

"I don't need help." Ellie replied bluntly

"Ellie you tried to kill yourself, do need help." Doctor Rosewood told her "If you tried to kill yourself they has to be a reason, I'm here to help you work on what led you to attempt to kill yourself and to help you get better and stop hurting yourself."

Ellie rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest, if Doctor Rosewood thought she was going to blurt out all her secrets and problems she had another though coming. Doctor Rosewood turned her attention to the file on her desk and flicked through it, Ellie took the opportunity too look around the room she was in. The walls were made of a dark wood as were all the furnishings and fittings and the carpet beneath her feet was a darker shade of pink, Ellie wrinkled her nose in distaste at the pink colour choice for the room thinking that red would look much better, her attention turned to a few degrees on the wall obviously showing Doctor Rosewoods qualifications. Ellie was interrupted from her thoughts by Doctor Rosewood talking to her again.

"Do you have any hobbies or interests?" Doctor Rosewood asked in an obvious attempt at making the session a little bit more relaxed

"I like music" Ellie shrugged

"What sort of music?" Doctor Rosewood asked

"Rock mostly" Ellie replied

"Do you play an instruments?" Doctor Rosewood enquired

"I used to play the guitar a bit and the drums…" Ellie told her

"Well we do have a music room here and if you ever want to use the instruments you just need to ask one of the nurses to accompany you." Doctor Rosewood told her and Ellie nodded.

Doctor Rosewood continued to ask Ellie questions about her hobbies for another half an hour, Ellie told her briefly about her love of Indian movies and making movies before Doctor Rosewood looked at the clock.

"Well is there anything you'd like to talk about before our session finishes?" She asked Ellie who promptly shook her head "Well then I'll escort you back to your room" she told her standing up. Ellie nodded and stood up too and followed Doctor Rosewood back upstairs to her room.

As Doctor Rosewood left her side and headed over to talk to one of the nurses Ellie opened the door to her room and collapsed onto her bed making Callie look up from her book.

"Good session?" Callie asked and Ellie shrugged

"It was awkward" Ellie sighed "I don't feel like I can talk to her properly, I mean I've had sessions with the school councillor for a year and I still don't feel like I can tell her everything and now I'm expected to open up to another new person…"

"Doctor Rosewood is defiantly one of the best Doctors here" Callie told her "Talking of sessions I need to go I've got group in five, I'll see you later" she put her book away and headed out of the room Leaving Ellie lying on her bed thinking about the session she had just had.

Ellie was distracted from her thoughts as she released exactly how itchy her arms were. She rolled her sleeves up looking at the bandages covering her arms. She pulled at them irritably trying to itch the itch underneath, they started to become loose and eventually Ellie managed to pull them off completely revealing the rows of stitched up cuts. She ran her fingers over the cuts, wondering why couldn't she have just finished the job off properly the first time thinking how she would be free if she hadn't messed it up just like everything else she did. Irritably she tugged at one of the stitches and pulled it out, a little jolt of pain shot up her arm and she watched as a little bead of blood welled up. She smiled to herself before she started to rip stitch after stitch out before digging her fingernails in causing more jolts of pain to shoot up her arm. Her arm and the pale yellow bed covers were decorated in little blood splatters and she was just reaching to dig her fingernails in a little more as the door opened. Ellie's head shot up as Nurse Crawly entered.

"Just checking…" She started before she saw the blood on Ellie's arms "Ellie!" She said loudly running over and grabbing Ellie's wrists to prevent her being able to pull at the stitches anymore. Ellie shot her a glare as she yelled for another nurse to come and help her.

"Oh dear, what's going on here?" The other nurse said coming into the room she walked over to the bed and examined Ellie's arms "Ok I think a couple of these need to be stitched up again." She commented "Sarah if you take her down to the ward I'll be down in a second to sew her up again."

Nurse Crawly nodded and stood up still holding Ellie's wrists

"Do I need to keep restraining you or will you promise to leave them alone while we go downstairs?" she said to Ellie

"I'll leave them alone" Ellie muttered and Nurse Crawly let go of her arms cautiously

"Come on then" She said gesturing towards the door.

Ellie stood up and followed her out the door blushing a little as they passed Callie and a few others that must have been in her group session.

"You ok Ellie?" Callie asked concerned as they passed, Ellie nodded and kept following Nurse Crawly downstairs to the ward. Nurse crawly gestured towards a bed and Ellie sat down on it as the other nurse, Nurse Davies came into the room.

"Ok Miss Nash, I'm going to sew you up again and re-bandage your arms but if you re open them again you will have to have casts put on your arms until the stitches can come out ok?" She told Ellie who nodded in response.

Nurse Davies Cleaned off her wounds and after numbing the areas that needed re-stitching, sewed them up again. She re-bandaged Ellie's arms before Nurse Crawly escorted her back upstairs to her room.

"So what happened?" Callie asked as the door shut and Ellie laid down on her bed.

"I re-opened my cuts" Ellie sighed

"Did you get threatened with the casts?" Callie asked sympathetically Ellie nodded "Ouch"

"They will put casts on you if you repeatedly open wounds, and they suck big time, I've seen more than one person have to wear them and they've all hated them" Callie told her "Are you coming to lunch?" she added looking at the clock.

"I'm not hungry" Ellie replied "I think I might stay here today"

"Ok Ellie" Callie nodded "I'd love to stay and keep you company but I have to go or they'll start chasing me up, I'll see you in an hour or so"

Ellie nodded and sighed hugging her pillow close, she was starting to dislike the place, she missed her freedom already. Why she had to be so stupid as to try and kill herself She didn't know, she should have done the job properly, she was a complete failure, she couldn't keep Sean happy, she caused Pain to everyone around her, she couldn't keep her mother sober or her father around, She couldn't even kill herself. She felt tears sliding from her eyes as she thought about her father, she missed him, when he was around everything was ok. She had a sudden urge to hurt herself so badly she'd never recover from it again, but she knew it was literally impossible to do that in a place where anything and everything that could hurt her was kept locked away. She glanced at the metal grate across the window, she wanted out and she wanted out now.

Callie arrived back in their room and Ellie closed her eyes pretending to be asleep. She had didn't want to talk to anyone right now. She waited for Callie to leave again, which she did closing the door quietly behind her before she sat up and dug out her portable CD player and started listening to some music trying to take her mind of the thoughts running though her head.

Ellie looked up as Callie returned a second time later in the day, the room had become dark and Ellie hadn't bothered to get up to turn the lights on inside she just laid on her bed listening to her CD player.

"Ellie are you coming to lunch?" She asked noticing Ellie was awake "They'll chase you up if you don't…" She added

"I suppose I better then" Ellie sighed sitting up and putting her CD player away

"You ok?" Callie asked

"Yeah, just tired I guess" Ellie sighed

"Come on" Callie said leading her down to the dining room where she collected her food from the hatch and took a seat next to Callie again at the table where Izzy, Tyson and Alex were sat with a girl Ellie hadn't met yet.

"Hey Cal, Ellie" Izzy nodded "Ellie this is Suzi, Suzi this is Ellie." She added introducing Ellie to the girl on her left.

"Hey" Suzi smiled and Ellie nodded in return before picking at her meal half heartedly listening to the conversation and pushing away before everyone else had finished.

"I'm going to head back" she told them before picking up her tray and leaving.

"She doesn't seem as bright as yesterday" Izzy commented "Reckon being here is getting to her?"

"Probably, you know how it is" Callie nodded "I Think she's finding the whole idea of getting better hard"

"What's she in for anyway? Is she Anorexic too?" Tyson asked Callie

"I Don't think so, I know She's in because she tried to kill herself though" Callie told them "and because she cuts, she just had to get sewed up again earlier because she pulled some of her stitches out, she got threatened with casts"

"Ouch, the dreaded casts" Izzy shuddered "Lucky her"

Ellie left the dining room and decided to make a detour to the computer rooms to check her emails. She logged onto one of the computers using the password Nurse Crawly had given her and logged onto her DIM account and a notice flashed up.

You have 6 new D-mail's

She opened the inbox and looked down the list, Marco, Paige, Alex, Mr Simpson, Sauve and Ashley. Deciding she wanted to read Marco's first she opened it.

To: DarkStar

From: MarcoDR!

Subject: Missing you

Hey El,

How's everything going? God I'm Missing having around at school… you should hear some of the rumours about where you are! Someone's been putting it around that you are actually a vampire and got stuck in your bat form…

Ellie smiled at the bat form thing.

I'm going to ring and see if I can come and see you at the weekend so cross fingers I'll see you then. Write back missy.

Love Marco x

Ellie paused for a moment thinking of what to tell Marco before she typed out the Email.

To: MarcoDR!

From: DarkStar

Subject: Re:- Missing you

Hey,

Everything is going ok I guess, I miss you loads too, though there are quite a lot of cool people here. Can't believe some people at Degrassi think I'm a bat… honestly

Hope to see you soon

El x

Ellie sent the message and turned to the others She checked Mr Simpson's which was wishing her well and giving her the first assignment she had to do from English. Ashley and Paige had both sent similar greetings to Marco, saying they would come and visit soon and that they missed her, Ellie wrote them quick replies giving them a quick overview of the past two days. She clicked open Alex's saving Sauve's for last.

To: DarkStar

From: ThisBitchBites

Subject: Vampire Withdrawal Symptoms

Sup Vampy,

How's life in the crazy centre? I'm missing seeing you around Degrassi, missing your intelligent conversation; you've left me with Amy for god sake! I'll have to come see you sometime if Jay will drive me.

Bite me

Bitch

Ellie smiled at Alex's message and typed her reply

To: ThisBitchBites

From: DarkStar

Subject: Bitch Withdrawal Symptoms

Sup Bitch

Life here's ok I guess, glad to here I'm missed, if you ever make it over here I'll see you then, enjoy Amy's wonderful company

Bite you later

Vampy x

Pleased with her reply she sent it back and opened Sauve's Email.

To: DarkStar

From: MissSauve

Subject:

Ellie,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I hope that the centre is helping you, I know you'll probably find it hard to open up again to a new person and I really hope you try your hardest, you know you can do it if you try. I look forward to seeing you looking happy and well when you return. If you need anything don't hesitate to Email me.

Miss Sauve.

Ellie decided to leave that reply for another day if she every needed to ask the councillors advice. She logged off again and headed back to her room. Reading the emails had defiantly cheered her up a little and she opened the door to the bedroom with a small smile on her face and Callie looked up from her book.

"I wondered where you had gotten too" She commented "Where've you been?"

"Computer room checking my emails" Ellie shrugged

"Any good ones?" Callie asked curiously

"Well according to my friend there's a rumour going round school that I'm really a vampire and I got stuck in my bat form, hence my disappearance." Ellie smiled

"That's a good one" Callie laughed "not heard that before"

"I Think I'm going to turn in" Ellie told her "it's been a long day"

"Ok, Want me to go somewhere else to read so you can turn the light off?" Callie asked

"No its ok" Ellie shook her head and pulled out her Pyjamas. She changed quickly and buried herself deep under her covers. She turned to face the wall and closed her eyes waiting for sleep to come. 

a/n I'm sorry this has taken so long to update, I've not had much inspiration for this story recently and I've been busy at uni with work (and parties too lol) I promise the next chapter will be up soon (hopefully with a week) because I just need to adjust it a bit…


	19. Open Wounds

Chapter 18: Open Wounds

Disclaimer: I Don't own Degrassi or the song Open wounds by Skillet

_In the dark with the music on _

_Wishing I was somewhere else _

_Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help _

Monday morning dawned bright and cheery Ellie looked out though the barred, mesh covered windows across the grounds with a sigh, it had been a long weekend, she had gotten to know a few other the other a bit better especially Callie, Tyson, Izzy, Saph and Alex and she had started to get used to the place despite not liking it. Callie had gone to a private session half an hour ago leaving Ellie alone with her thoughts most of which we're centred around wishing she was anywhere but here. As it was a Monday morning it was supposed to be Ellie's first group session and she was admittedly nervous about it.

"Ellie are you coming to group?" Tyson asked sticking his head into Callie and Ellie's room distracting Ellie from staring out the window "Crawly said you were in our group" he explained

"Oh yeah, coming" Ellie said walking over to him

"Missing the outside world?" he asked

"Sort of" Ellie shrugged leaving the window and coming over to the door

"Everything gets easier the longer you stay" Tyson told her as the walked towards group together

"I wish it would get easier right now" Ellie said wishfully

"Your just getting used to this whole set up, give it time" he told her opening the door to group. "Ladies first" he offered and she slipped into the room, Izzy, Alex and Saph were already inside as was Holly and one of her friends, Ellie couldn't remember which he was. Ellie took the empty Seat next to Saph and Tyson took the one next to her. The group leader arrived next followed by a boy Ellie had yet to meet.

"Ok Today we have a new member of our group" The leader began "For anyone who hasn't met her yet this is Ellie" Ellie blushed a bit at being singled out in front of the whole group "Ellie, I'm Amy and I'm the group session leader here at Forest view." Amy introduced herself to Ellie "How about as an ice breaker we go round the circle and say your name and one fact about yourself Saph you start."

"I'm Saph and I'm a Chocoholic" Saph smiled and a few members of the group laughed

"I'm Izzy, I like Horror Movies and the Idea of torturing fluffy animals" Izzy told them all causing more laughter

"Ok be serious everyone" Amy said with a small smile

"I'm Alex and My Favourite sport is Hockey" Alex told them.

"Better Alex" Amy nodded "Dillian?"

"I'm Dillian" The boy Ellie hadn't met before introduced himself "I Play bass in my mates band but I also play guitar and like writing music"

"I'm Leo, I like going to raves" Leo told them all with a shrug making Amy shake her head

"I'm Holly, I Love shopping" Holly told the group

"I'm Amy" Amy said "I enjoy white water rafting in my spare time"

"I'm Tyson" Tyson told them "I hate sports but I love music"

"Ellie?" Amy asked Ellie bit her lip then spoke up

"I'm Ellie and I love Classic Indian movies and making my own movies" Ellie told them remembering back to the last movie Marathon she had watched with Marco.

"Wonderful" Amy smiled "Now we're all introduced how about we talk about what's been happening to us all since our last session? Who wants to start?"

"I will" Dillian raised his hand "we went to play at a concert on Saturday night, it was awesome and it was so nice to be away from here for the weekend its really made be determined to have myself sorted out and home again for Christmas"

"Fantastic Dillian, anyone else for anything they want to share?"

"My dad came to visit me" Holly blurted out "He brought me these amazing shoes" she said sticking out a foot so everyone could see the shoes she was wearing, and a brand new coat"

"That's good Holly" Amy nodded

They continued the discussion of what had been going on since the last session until everyone but Ellie had spoken.

"How about you Ellie?" Amy asked

"I… well I was in hospital and then I came here" Ellie shrugged

"So really it was quite eventful with moving here then I guess" Amy suggested

"I guess" Ellie nodded nervously

"How are you finding life here so far?" Amy asked

"Ok" Ellie shrugged

"Do you miss the outside world?" Amy questioned her

"Sort of" Ellie replied kicking at the floor.

"Ok everyone I think out hour's nearly up" Amy told them looking at her watch "Why Don't you head off to lunch early?"

They all stood up and Ellie left the room with Tyson and Izzy. Holly came up behind them.

"Hey Freaks" She said with a sneer "So what you in for Ellie? A hospital visit that must mean you have something wrong with you did they operate on your brain? Make you want to hang around with the freaky crew?"

"Go away Holly" Izzy said irritably

"Aww come on I wanna know" Holly protested "Why were you in hospital, did you go all crazy on them like Ty-Ty here?"

"Buzz off Holly" Tyson said angrily

"Yeah Holly, You were in hospital before you were moved here so what does it matter if Ellie was?" Izzy said defensively

"I wanna know though" Holly said pulling a face

"Its none of you business" Ellie told her angrily "Go away"

"Ooh getting all angry now are we?" Holly asked

"Holly get lost!" Tyson yelled at her

"Ooh touchy" Holly said poking him and he grabbed her wrist.

"We said leave us alone, so leave us alone" Tyson said angrily

"What's going on here?" Nurse Davies asked

"He was threatening me" Holly said fake tears welling up in her eyes

"Tyson!" Nurse Davies said angrily "I Hope you weren't"

"He was Patsy" Holly said in her childish voice

"She wouldn't leave us alone!" Tyson said in his defensive "We asked her nicely and wouldn't go!"

"Have you taken your Meds today Tyson?" Nurse Davies asked as Holly moved to stand at her side

"Of course I have" Tyson said angrily

"I don't think he has Patsy" Holly said with a small smirk "I heard him say so before!"

"Tyson come with me and we'll go see Doctor Walbridge" Nurse Davies told him, "the rest of you get to lunch"

"Manipulative bitch" Izzy muttered as Nurse Davies walked an angry Tyson away from the dinner hall and Holly disappeared inside.

"I Can't believe she got away with that!" Ellie said picking up a tray

"Who got away with what?" Callie asked coming up besides Ellie

"Holly, she just convinced Davies that Tyson is off his meds" Izzy told her rolling her eyes

"Honestly" Callie rolled her eyes picking out some food "So how was group?"

"Boring" Izzy muttered as they took a table

"Where did Ty go?" Alex asked as he joined them

"Davies took him, Holly convinced her he's off his meds" Izzy told him

"Ouch" Alex responded picking up his glass "I feel for him"

Ellie picked at her Veggie burger as the group discussed Holly's behaviour.

"She's got Troy and Leo wrapped round her little finger" Callie commented "Troy's been a complete ass in group since he got involved with her."

As Callie finished speaking Tyson stormed into the dinning hall distracting them all from their conversation.

"Ty?" Izzy asked warily as he slammed his tray down on the table

"You ok Ty?" Callie asked

"That little bitch" He said angrily "I just got my court yard privileges taken away!"

"She needs putting right" Alex said shaking his head "or we need the stupid nurses to start believing us"

"I Think I'm going to go back to our room" Ellie commented standing up "See you all later"

She deposited the nearly full Veggie burger in the bin and exited the hall. She flopped down tiredly on her bed, even though she hadn't done anything particularly strenuous she yawned, maybe the disturbed nights sleep from the night before was finally getting to her. She laid her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes opening them when she heard the click of the door.

"Alright?" Callie asked entering the room

"Yep" Ellie replied sitting up and looking over at the door then too the CD player "mind if I..?" She asked pointing towards it.

"Help yourself" Callie nodded

"Thanks" Ellie smiled searching though her CD's and pulling out her Lost Prophets CD and slipping it into the player.

Ellie tapped her foot nervously on the floor as she waited for one of the Nurses to come and escort her to her second Private session with Rosewood. She didn't have to wait long, the third nurse that worked in the centre, Nurse Farnborough opened the door and Ellie slid off the bed and followed her downstairs. After yet another session was spent listening to Doctor Rosewood typing on her keyboard while Ellie sat in silence she was escorted back upstairs.

Here she was wasting everyone's time. She was a complete waste of space. She sighed and looked at her bandaged arms she started to pick a the bandages pulling them off and she set to work on the stitches again yanking at them and tossing the ones she pulled out to one side. She scratched at the cuts she had opened drawing more blood, she was pulled yet another stitch out when the door opened and Callie entered the room.

"Oh God Ellie!" She said spotting Ellie's bleeding arms "I better go get someone"

"Please don't" Ellie pleaded looking up from the bloody mess "I'll just bandage them up again and no one will know!"

"Ellie I have to tell them you might get an infection or something" Callie said sadly "Sorry" Ellie hung her head as Callie left the room returning seconds later with Nurse Davies.

"Oh Ellie, that's the second time and I'm afraid we're going to have to put casts on you now" Nurse Davies sighed "Come on" Ellie followed her out of the room and down to the ward.

Nurse Davies cleaned her arms off for the second time and numbed the areas around the cuts which Ellie had removed the stitches from before sewing them. She then started to apply the casts. After half an hour Ellie's wrists were both covered in solid casts. She sighed as she slid off the bed and Nurse Davies walked her back to her room.

Ellie sighed throwing the fork she was trying to eat with down in frustration, the casts made Eating much more of a chore as she couldn't really do anything with her wrists.

"They're a complete Pain in the ass aren't they?" Izzy said sitting down next to her

"Yeah" Ellie sighed

"I had to have them too" Izzy told her "It's their favourite way of torturing us" Ellie smiled a little "So you cut?" Izzy added bluntly

"Used to" Ellie sighed "I'd practically stopped before… yeah… then I tried to kill myself…Those are the ones I keep re-opening."

"I didn't stop before I got forced in here" Izzy told her "They forced me in here because I wouldn't stop, my friend saw how deep I had cut and forced me to go to hospital where they sewed me up and stuck me in here. Two months later here I am… Never tried to kill myself though cutting was my way of living"

"It was mine too, then my boyfriend convinced me to stop, made me move in with him then ditched me with my stupid alcoholic mother, then I ended up in the bathroom with a razor and next thing I know I'm hospital." Ellie said a hint of anger in her voice especially when she talked about Sean.

"Ouch, I think its got to be a personal choice to stop though, I mean I've had people try and force me to stop before it does more damage than good" Izzy shrugged Ellie nodded.

"How long did you have the casts on for?" Ellie asked

"Three weeks" Izzy rolled her eyes "they let me have them off after a week but I kept picking at the scabs so they put them back on"

"I don't want these things on for that long" Ellie said rolling her eyes

"Well I hope for your sake you get them off soon" Izzy nodded "Who'd you have for Private session?"

"Rosewood" Ellie said picking up the fork and trying again with it

"I have her too, she's pretty cool" Izzy nodded "Not like the idiot I had the first month"

"I haven't managed to talk to her yet" Ellie sighed "I have this mental block thing sometimes when I'm talking about stuff and I just can't bring myself to do it especially with someone I don't know"

"I'm sure you'll be able to open up to her at some point, you were just talking about stuff with me" Izzy pointed out "and you were ok in group on Tuesday too"

"But it's different with people like you" Ellie sighed "and group is so much more relaxed"

"If you want to get out of here talking is the best way." Izzy commented finishing her food "Want to come watch some television until group?"

"Sure" Ellie nodded standing up and picking up her tray of half eaten food "I'm fighting a loosing battle here anyway"

Group seemed to last for Ever in Ellie's eyes, Holly kept staring at her arms and Ellie wasn't in the mood to share much with the group and found Amy trying to force out her opinion on Animal cruelty quite annoying. Holly Came up behind an already quite Irritated Ellie as the left the room.

"What did you do? Fall out of bed?" she asked

"No" Ellie replied sharply "Go away I'm not in the mood"

"You didn't answer my questions!" Holly said putting her hand on her hips

"If you don't leave me alone I'll…" Ellie started

"What tell one of the nurses?" Holly asked tossing her hair "They always believe my side of the story anyway" she walked away leaving Ellie glaring into her back

"Ignore her" Tyson said coming up next to her "How are the cast's treating you?"

"Annoyingly" Ellie sighed

"Coming too Dinner?" He asked

"I Think I'm going to check my emails, I can't eat anyway these things get in the way" She told him "I cant get my hand close enough to my mouth"

"Why don't you get one of the nurses to get you a long fork or something?" Tyson suggested

"Maybe tomorrow I'm not really hungry right now anyway" Ellie shrugged she parted from him as they reached the dining room and headed towards the computer labs. She noticed she had a D-mal from Marco which she flicked open straight away.

_To: DarkStar_

_From: MarcoDR!_

_Subject: Re:- Re:- Missing you _

_Hey Els,_

_I'm still Missing you loads! Its been what five days since I last saw you.. Things are pretty dull here… we have our recording session next week, you know the one when we beat you and the girls in the battle of the bands? Anyway I thought you'd like to know I'm coming to see you on Saturday! So be prepared! _

_Love Marco x_

She sighed thankful she could still type with the stupid casts on her arms and began her reply.

_To: MarcoDR!_

_From: DarkStar_

_Subject: Re:- Re:- Re:- Missing you _

_I miss you too, I can't wait to see you! I've got these horrid cast things on my arms though just to warn you, I tried to re-open my wounds and this is my punishment… well it feels like that… apparently they are only there to stop me doing it again. _

_Love Ellie x_

Ellie sent her replied before logging back off and going back to her room where she put on some music and started doing some colouring with crayons again.

Nurse Crawly led Ellie to the door of Doctor Rosewoods office for the third time. She opened the door and invited Ellie inside taking a look at her casts.

"Oh dear Ellie, It's a shame they had to put casts on you" Rosewood said locking the door "Would you like to tell me why you re-opened your cuts?" Ellie shrugged

"Still not feeling like talking?" She asked Ellie scratched her left cast unconsciously and shook her head. "Ok take a seat; I'm going to do some work again" Ellie took the seat and then sat in silence watching Rosewood typing. An hour passed and the silence was broken by Rosewood announcing it was time for Ellie to return upstairs.

Marco nervously entered the rehabilitation centre and headed over to the receptionist.

"Hi, I'm here to visit Ellie" He told her nervously "I rung on Wednesday to check she would be free."

"Ah yes, Marco is it?" Receptionist asked and he nodded "I'll get a nurse down here to escort you up to the ward."

The same nurse that had taken Ellie the week before suddenly appeared at the glass door and came over to him smiling.

"Marco is it?" She asked offering him her hand "I'm Nurse Crawly follow me"

She led him though the glass door which she locked behind her and then up a stair case. She unlocked yet another door and let him through locking it behind her. It was making Marco feel claustrophobic, he wondered what Ellie felt like living with it. Nurse Crawly led him to a door which she knocked on before opening.

"Ellie you have a visitor" She said looking into the room, Ellie who had been lying down jumped up as Marco entered a smile covering her face.

"Marco!" She said getting up as Crawly left the room, Marco took in the large casts on her arms as she came over to him. He wrapped his arms round her and pulled her into a big hug which she returned as best she could.

"So are you going to introduce us?" The girl who was lying on the other bed with a book asked

"Oh yeah" Ellie nodded "Callie, this is Marco, Marco this is Callie."

"Nice to meet you Marco" Callie nodded getting up "I'll let you two have some privacy." She added before leaving the room.

"How are you?" Ellie asked as she sat back down on her bed and Marco sat down nervously next to her

"I should be asking you that" Marco told her "It's you who's locked away in this place, so how are you?"

"Ok I guess" Ellie said looking at her casts

"So why did you re-open your cuts?" Marco asked "What made you do it?"

"I Dunno" Ellie shrugged looking down still "they were just itching and I wanted to make them stop." She told him before looking up again as she had an idea to distract him from questioning her "I know why don't I show you around?"

"Ok" Marco agreed as she stood up and led him out of the room. She gave him a quick tour before they stopped in the main hang out area and Ellie offered him a seat next to her on the sofa where Tyson, Izzy, Callie and Alex were already sitting.

"Marco, This is Tyson, Izzy and Alex" Ellie told him introducing him to each person "Everyone this is Marco"

"Hey" Tyson nodded and the others followed suit.

"So what's going on at Degrassi?" Ellie asked as they continued their conversation.

"Well, Craig's let Ashley Join the Squatch" Marco told her "Rumours are flying about your disappearance and that's about it, its been a quiet week." Marco told her "Jimmy's doing well though" He added as an after thought

"That's good to hear" Ellie nodded "Will you give him my best next time you see him?"

"Of course" Marco agreed "Paige and Alex both want to come see you too, I think they might come in a couple of weeks once you're settled.

"That's cool" Ellie nodded

"And of course Ash wants to come and see you too but she hates hospitals so I think she's just willing up the courage, I suspect she might come with Paige" Ellie nodded acknowledging him as Holly suddenly lend down over the back of the sofa between them.

"Who are you?" Holly interrupted their conversation rudely. Marco raised an eyebrow as Ellie turned round to face the small teen.

"He's my friend now go away" She said angrily

"Sorry!" Holly said rolling her eyes "what crawled up your ass?"

"Holly…" Alex warned

"Going… going!" Holly said standing up and leaving

"Who was that?" Marco asked as she left

"The Centres official pest" Tyson rolled his eyes "commonly known as Holly"

"Ah" Marco nodded as Ellie lent back into the worn sofa closing her eyes "Tired?" he asked her observing her worn out look.

"Just a little, these things don't make for a comfortable nights sleep" Ellie sighed Marco put his arm round her and held her close as she placed his her head on his chest as they watched the lame game show on the television.

An hour passed and soon Marco had to leave he kissed Ellie on the cheek and removed himself from underneath her promising to come and visit her again soon. Nurse crawly escorted him back out of the building as Ellie rubbed her face where he'd kissed her wishing he could have stayed a little longer as he had distracted her from the ward like surroundings.

Marco breathed in the fresh air as he walked down the drive of Forest View towards the bus stop. He thought back over the past few hours, Ellie had looked thoroughly unhappy and exhausted, it was obvious the place was taking quite bit out of her. He wished he could be there for her more but with the centre being an hours journey from home he couldn't. He just hoped that Ellie would settle into the centre properly soon and get better, he wanted the Ellie who he had met back in grade 9 back.

Ellie returned to her room after dinner and after putting some music on she sat down to try and do some drawing with the crayons provided. After five minutes of completely un-productive scribbles she slammed the crayon down on the table the cast hitting it too making it crumble a little near her hand. She ran a finger over the crumbling before starting to hit her other cast against the desk over and over alternating between arms until the door opened and Nurse Davies came in.

"Ellie what are you doing?" she asked as Ellie looked up

"I Can't do anything with them on. "Ellie said frustrated going to hit the desk again

"But if I taken them off now you'll pull your stitched out again wont you?" Nurse Davies asked her, Ellie hung her head and Nurse Davies took it for a yes. She examined the crumbling casts "I would re-do them but for now I won't, unless you start trying to remove them again and they end up in a worse state" She commented "Why don't you come watch television with the others?"

"I Don't feel like it" Ellie replied standing up and sitting down on her bed

"Would you like me to open the music room for you instead then?" she offered

"I'd rather go to bed" Ellie told her

"Ok but I'll be checking every few minutes and I don't want to see anymore damage to those casts ok?" Nurse Davies asked and Ellie shrugged and placed her head on her pillow. The door shut and Ellie sighed tiredly feeling vaguely trapped and rather irritated.

Ellie, Alex and Saph were watching television in the main hang out area when Nurse Davies interrupted them.

"Ellie it's time to see if you can have the casts off for not" She announced Ellie nodded and stood up quickly pleased at the idea of having her casts on anymore. She willingly followed Nurse Davies to the ward.

Nurse Davies cut the casts off revealing Ellie's, healing cuts. She examined them closely.

"Ok, I'm going to put some numbing gel on and remove the stitches now, having the casts on has given the cuts a time to heal closed without you opening them again" She commented and Ellie nodded "Then I'm going to sterri-strip the cuts and bandage you up, but if I see any sign or you picking at them or anything you'll have the casts on again until they are fully healed, I may also have to put you in a secure room for twenty four hours"

"What?" Ellie said nervously

"You'll be locked in a secure room you injury yourself again" She told her matter of factly "You are here to get better and if you keep finding ways to hurt yourself your not getting better." Ellie kicked at the bed irritably with the heel of her boot as Nurse Davies began applying the gel.

Once Ellie was bandaged up again it was nearly dinner time so Davies accompanied her back to Dining room instead of her room. She picked up a tray and Cheese salad from the hatch before spotting Tyson, Alex and Izzy sitting at a table by the window.

"Hey, You got them off!" Izzy smiled as she sat down next to her

"Yup" Ellie replied stabbing a piece of lettuce with her fork "But if I take these off I get them back and I get locked in a secure room"

"Nice" Tyson nodded "If I was you I'd keep my hands tied behind me back because those secure rooms aren't fun"

"Yeah, Don't get put in one" Alex agreed "I spend a week in there when they found the blades I smuggled in, worst week of my life, I Thought I was going crazy"

"You already are crazy" Izzy laughed and he punched her playfully "But Secure rooms do suck" Izzy added

Ellie nodded and took a sip of her drink wondering how long she'd be able to hold out before she ripped the bandaged off this time, she could already feel her arms starting to itch and she unconsciously rubbed at the bandages a little.

The weekend had been a long one for Ellie, she spent the usual hour in silence in Rosewoods office on Friday, Saturday's highlight had been when Nurse Hopkins had forced her, Callie, Dillian, Tyson, Saph and Molly into the Music room for some 'music therapy' as much as Ellie hated to admit it she had enjoyed taking her anger out on the drum kit, Ellie had been embarrassed when Dillian had complemented her on her drumming and gotten her to keep the rhythm for him while he played though one of his bands songs on guitar for everyone to here. Sunday was the longest day of the weekend, Ellie had been woken by Nurse crawly and informed that they were all to head down to the hall where some woman had come to try and make them do some type of exercise therapy thing, Ellie irritably joined in half heartedly watching the clock waiting for the session to be over. Monday Morning had started as usual with yet another Rosewood session in which Rosewood unsuccessfully tried to talk Ellie into talking again. The urge to rip of the bandages was becoming pretty un-controllable; Ellie had to keep reminding herself what would happen if she did she shuddered at the thought of being locked away.

Ellie took a seat next to Tyson in group on Tuesday morning and he offered her a small smiled which she returned as Izzy took the seat the other side of her.

"So far so good?" Izzy nodded towards her bandages which were still in place.

"Just about" Ellie replied

"You're doing well" Izzy told her as Amy came into to the room, Ellie smiled a little as the room fell quiet.

"Hey everyone" Amy smiled as she shut the door behind her "How were you weekends?"

"My Daddy came to visit me and brought me a new skirt and some more new shoes!" Holly said standing up and doing a twirl in her skirt.

"That's lovely Holly" Amy nodded as she returned to her seat to before looking round the circle "Ellie?"

"I didn't do much" Ellie told her "but some of us went to the music room on Saturday which was pretty cool" she added as Dillian winked at her from across the room.

Once everyone had told the group briefly about their weekend they moved onto the discussion topic for the day which was Gambling. The session finished early and they started towards the door in a group.

"My Daddy's going to take me out next weekend" Holly announced proudly to Leo

"You know Holly, Nobody really cares…" Tyson rolled his eyes

"You never get taken anywhere, your jealous" Holly smirked

"I don't particularly care if I do or if I don't go anywhere" Tyson shrugged

"Well at least my Daddy Visits me" she said in her most annoying voice "Where are your parents Ellie?" she asked turning her attention to the red head

"That's none of your business" Ellie said defensively blushing a little as she thought back to her mother passed out on the couch at home and her dead father.

"Aww poor ickle Ellie, No one loves her." Holly said in a babyish voice "Even your little boyfriend didn't come to see you, has he fallen out with you? Did he dump you? I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner personally…" Holly teased Ellie referring to Marco Ellie glared at her and then changed direction and headed to her room instead of the dining hall.

"Nice one Holly" Izzy said rolling her eyes and Tyson paused before following the direction Ellie had headed off in.

Ellie slumped down on her bed, Holly was right, no one loved her, if he mom loved her why did she still drink and why did she hurt her? If her father loved her why did he go on those stupid missions? If Marco loved her why did he have to cancel his visit? Semi-consciously she ripped at the bandages pulling them free of her arm and started to scratch the skin she had exposed.

Tyson knocked on the door of Ellie's room slightly nervously before pushing it open. Ellie's head flung up and she looked like a deer caught in the headlights a sudden realisation dawned on her as she looked from Tyson's shocked face to the blood she had managed to draw with her nails. She stood up and tried to force him out of the room by pushing the door. Tyson, not expecting her to suddenly start trying to shut the door was knocked off balance and the door slammed shut. Ellie slid down behind it and began sobbing.

"Ellie?" Tyson asked concerned "Please open up."

"What's going on here?" Nurse Davies voice asked

"Ellie…" Tyson started not wanting to tell Nurse Davies what he'd just seen

"Ellie open this door now!" Nurse Davies said loudly Ellie looked up at the bandages and made a dash for them attempting to re-roll them round her arms fumbling with them still as Nurse Davies opened the door.

"Not again," She sighed spotting Ellie's arms "I'm sorry Ellie but I warned you"

"No, please" Ellie protested her face white.

"This is for your own good" Nurse Davies said leading her out of the room.

A/N I'm so sorry I havent updated in so long! I still haven't had much inspiration recently as well as being busy with uni and uni partys/getting drunk down the bar. I've been having a bit of a stressful time atm and I havent had a day off uni/work/work experience/duties in about 5 weeks.. and tbh this chapter wouldn't even be going up if I hadn't practically finished it a long time ago… I cant promise the next chapter will be up soon but I'll see what I can do. Also I couldn't decide which song to use so I might change it if I can think of a more relevant one…


	20. Cant Take it

Chapter 19: Can't Take It

_You speak to me_

_I know this will be temporary_

_You ask to leave,_

_but I can tell you that I've had enough_

_I can't take it_

_This welcome is gone and_

_I've waited long enough to make it_

_and if you're so strong_

_you might as well just do it alone_

_And I'll watch you go_

_Step up to me_

_I know that you've got something buried_

_I'll set you free_

_You set conditions, but I've had enough_

_I can't take it_

_This welcome is gone and_

_I've waited long enough to make it_

_and if you're so strong_

_you might as well just do it alone_

_And I'll watch you go_

_Come back home, won't you come back home?_

_You step in line, you got a lot to prove_

_It comes and goes_

_Yeah, it comes and goes_

_A step in time, yeah it's a lot to move_

_I know this will be temporary_

_I know this will be temporary_

_know this will be, but I've had enough_

_I can't take it_

_This welcome is gone and_

_I've waited long enough to make it_

_and if you're so strong_

_you might as well just do it alone_

_And I'll watch you go_

White. Everything was white. Ellie hated white, it was her least favourite colour. Even the stupid gown they had made her wear was white, she guessed it had something to do with it making it easier to see if she happened to manage to hurt herself. She uncomfortably rolled over the casts on her arms getting in her way as she tried to find a more comfortable position to lie in. she gave up after a few minutes and sat up instead resting her arms on her knees as she lent on one of the padded walls. She sighed tiredly; she was tired of being here, she had reached the point where she was even tired of fighting to live.

What was she supposed to do, smile and fake being happy, when inside she could barely bring herself to get out of bed in the mornings? She knew she had to do something about it, she couldn't live like this anymore, she leant back on the padded wall, as she did she heard jingling and door locked on the door clicked open.

"Your lunch" Nurse crawly nodded offering her a white round sheet of plastic with some sandwiches on it.

Ellie wrinkled her nose as she accepted the food and picked up the first sandwich taking a small bite chewing thoughtfully. An Idea struck her as she brought the sandwich took her mouth for the third time. If she kept feeding her body, she'd keep living. But then if she didn't maybe then she'd just fade away. It wasn't like they kept an eye on whether she was eating or her weight like they did with Callie, it would be easy and although it might be slow it wouldn't be obvious and she'd end up in the same place. She forced herself to eat the rest of the sandwich promising herself that the minute she was out of the secure room and away from the constant watch of the nurses she would be able to do it. More thoughts accumulated in her mind about exactly how she could get away with her idea as the day passed and she occupied herself planning how to do it without anyone noticing.

By the time Nurse Davies let her out of the secure room a few hours later, a new determination had entered Ellie's mind as she left the white secure room, she was determined to make everything seem ok, look ok. She was determined to show everyone around her she was fine. It was all part of her plan, all she had to do was convince everyone she was ok and Make sure no one realised her plan so she could fade away slowly without them realising.

She sat down and started at the plate of food in front of her, when Nurse Crawly's back was turned she grabbed a handful of her chips and stuffed them into the large front pocket on her hoody. Step one complete, she moved her food around her plate glancing up every now and again.

"So you're out of the secure room" Izzy commented as she sat down opposite Ellie.

"Yeah and Your looking a bit brighter today" Alex added sitting down next to Izzy

"I did some thinking" Ellie shrugged "I mean what else was there to do in there"

"Stare at the walls?" Izzy suggested

"Apart from that" Ellie let a mall smile cross her face "Anyway I Can't keep going on like this"

"Step one in recovery, realisation." Alex nodded

"Good for you Ellie" Izzy nodded

"Thanks" Ellie smiled "I Think I'm going to go check my emails"

"Ok Ellie see you later" Izzy smiled as Ellie stood up and put her tray away.

She stepped into the corridor feeling slightly light headed but a small smile covering her face. She headed into the bathroom and emptied her pocket into one of toilets which she promptly flushed and watched as the food disappeared. No one would ever know.

The next few days passed, Ellie started to talk in her sessions with Rosewood, who seemed to think of it as some huge break though; little did she know Ellie had lied her way through most of the sessions. Group sessions continued on as normal, Ellie started sprouting some lies about how much better she felt she was doing for good measure. Everyone was convinced Ellie was starting her road to recovery, no one noticed at meal times when she hid what ever food she could in her pocket. She always went to the bathroom straight after and flushed it all away, she soon learn what she couldn't flush away easily. In Ellie's opinion everything was going just as she had planned.

Sunday arrived and Nurse Crawly brought Paige, Ashley, Alex, Marco and Jay up to Ellie and Callie's room where Ellie was reading a book borrowed from Callie.

"Visitors for you Ellie!" Nurse Crawly smiled

"Hey El" Paige smiled as she led the group into the room.

"Woah aren't you the lucky one" Callie commented with a laugh "five visitors" Ellie smiled a thought crossed her mind, this may be the last time she saw them all, she shook the thought off and jumped up.

"Callie, This is Paige, Alex, Ashley and Jay, you met Marco last time, everyone this is Callie." Ellie introduced them all "I wasn't expecting so many of you" she added as Marco pulled her into a hug.

"Well hun, Alex and I were originally going to come with Marco but Ashley wanted to come too and Alex forced Jay to drive us." Paige told her "anyway how are you?"

"Good" Ellie nodded "everything's going really well"

"That's fantastic hun" Paige said pulling her into a hug which she returned half heartedly

"It's getting kind of boring with out you round Degrassi Vampy" Alex told her with a smile "it's just not the same without having to worry whether you might come bite me in my sleep"

"I missed you too Bitch" Ellie replied

Callie observed the exchange raising an eyebrow.

"Thanks for driving everyone up Jay" Ellie added turning to the tall boy

"No problem Red, Lexi forced me anyway" he rolled his eyes "she knows my buttons"

"Threaten him with lack of sex and he'll do anything, hormonal twit" Alex whispered in Ellie's ear.

"Its much less hospitally that I thought it would be" Ashley commented "so you like it here?"

"Yeah" Ellie nodded "I think this really helping me" she added for effect.

"So do we get the guided tour or what?" Paige asked looking around curiously

"Sure" Ellie nodded "See you in a bit Callie" she added before leading the group out.

Ellie gave them a quick tour of the ward before leading them over to the sofa area where she slumped down tiredly forcing a smile onto her face. Marco noticed for the first time Ellie's smile seemed completely fake and looked over at her slightly concerned. They talked about what was going on back at Degrassi for awhile and Ellie told them a little more about her 'progress'. Marco started to realise that Ellie was defiantly faking it, she reminded him of when she first started cutting and she was always plastering those same smiles on her face. At four jay announced if they weren't ready to leave in five minutes he wouldn't be giving them lifts. Everyone hugged Ellie and bid her goodbye and Marco waited until the end and pulled her aside away from where the others could hear.

"You're not ok are you?" Marco asked her straight away

"Of course I am" Ellie said faltering a little as he saw through her front he raised and eyebrow and she sighed "Well I'm not 100 yet ok, its hard, but I'll get through it"

"I Know you will" Marco hugged her close and they rejoined the group. Ellie watched as they all left chatting happily and waving to her.

Monday morning came and Ellie dragged herself out of bed and enjoyed an extremely 'productive' morning with Rosewood as she fought off dizziness that threatened her. She returned to her room where she lay down on the bed, physically and mentally exhausted from the effort of the morning.

"You ok?" Callie asked coming into the room and spotting Ellie crashed out on her bed

"Yep, just had a very deep session with Rosewood" Ellie sighed not bothering to sit up.

"ah" Callie nodded picking up her book "so you really feel your getting somewhere?"

"Defiantly, somewhere" Ellie nodded as she thought about the lightness in her head.

"That's good" Callie nodded

"Mmhmm" Ellie agreed closing her eyes.

Callie glanced over at her, either it was her imagination or Ellie had lost a fair bit of weight since she returned from the secure room, not that she had been particularly big in the first place, Callie noticed she was wearing a couple of hoodies rather than just one. Little things about Ellie were suddenly starting to remind her of when she was not eating; she decided to keep a closer eye on the other girl just in case, if she started to see more signs she would go to Doctor Rosewood and tell her of her suspicions.

Ellie left the dining hall with Tyson and Dillian as Callie entered at breakfast the next day. Callie cursed a little as she want watch Ellie eat for signs because that would be the best way to get proof.

"I'm just going to nip to the loo before group" Ellie told Tyson and Dillian and popping into the cubicle depositing the broken up slice of toast into the toilet and flushing it away before heading towards group. She took her usual seat and hummed to herself as Amy went round the circle asking about their weekends.

"Ellie, Ellie?" Amy asked loudly as Tyson lent over and poked her she snapped out of her thoughts and forced a smiled

"Oh sorry, I had a good weekend my friends from school came to see me" Ellie told her as Amy gave her a concerned look

"Is that all?" Amy asked Ellie tried to think of what else she had done that weekend but her mind drew a blank

"Just the usual stuff" She shrugged "My friends visit was defiantly the highlight though" Amy nodded a little more satisfied with her answer before moving on.

"Are you ok Ellie?" Izzy asked as they left group "You completely zoned out there for awhile"

"I'm fine" Ellie told her as they walked her head felt extremely light and she was finding every step harder than the last.

"I Wonder what's for dinner, I'm starving" Tyson added as they walked

Izzy and Tyson were talking about the session, Ellie distinctly heard Holly's name but she wasn't completely listening, it was getting hard to breathe, her head was spinning.

"Woah Ellie" Tyson said grabbing her and holding her steady as she swayed "are you ok?" he asked letting go of her shoulders

"Of course I…" Ellie started before she collapsed sideways, falling to the floor knocking her head on one of the corridors chairs as she fell.

"Quick, get one of the nurses!" Tyson told Izzy who immediately headed down the corridor to the dining hall.

"Nurse Davies!" Izzy said bursting into the dining hall making all the others that were eating stop to look at her. "Ellie's collapsed"

"Ok Izzy, Sarah get someone got bring a stretcher and we'll take her down to the ward" Nurse Davies said hurrying over and following Izzy back to the corridor where Tyson was leaning over Ellie.

"What happened?" Nurse Davies asked checking Ellie's pulse and putting her in the recovery position

"She swayed a little and I helped steady her up then she just fell down, she hit her head on the chair" Tyson added pointing the fact Ellie's head was bleeding.

"Ok" Nurse Davies nodded we'll get her downstairs and get her checked over by Doctor Reyes, if it had been any other day she'd have had to go to hospital."

The stretcher arrived and two technicians carried Ellie downstairs towards the ward, Tyson, Izzy and Callie (who had joined them) followed them down wanting to know what had happened to their friend. They were sent to sit with Nurse Crawly in one of the offices while they waited. Nurse Davies came in about half an hour later.

"She's stable, we stitched up her head, and put her on a drip it appears she hasn't eaten in at least a week, did any of you notice anything?" Nurse Davies asked, Tyson and Izzy both shook their heads and Callie looked down at her hands.

"Yesterday she reminded me a bit of when I wasn't eating" Callie commented "I feel so stupid for not coming to one of you straight away."

"You weren't to know" Nurse Davies said placing a hand on Callie's shoulder. "Sarah why don't you escort these two back to the main area and Callie you can come have a half hour session with Doctor Rosewood." Callie nodded and they three of them were split up.

The light coming through Ellie's eyelids was hurting her eye's maybe the sun was shining though her window again, it always did that. Ellie's eyes flickered open, the light around her hurting her eyes sending a sharp pain through the front of her brain she went to reach up automatically to hold her head but something was in her hand. Panicking she tugged at the tube that was sticking out of her hand, She felt hands restraining her and realised there was blood running down her hand.

"She's awake" a semi familiar voice said from somewhere on her right "We need to re do the drip she's pulled it out"

"Ok, just a second" a second voice replied

"Ellie, calm down" The voice of the person who was holding her down said softly as she squirmed trying to pull away wondering where she was.

Ellie let out a muffled yell as she felt someone push something sharp into her hand.

"What's going on" she managed to get out her voice was hoarse and barely come out as a whisper but the person holding her down obviously heard her.

"You collapsed, you're in the ward at Forest View" The person told her.

Forest view, where did Ellie recognise that from? Her mind was working over time until the events of the past month clicked, Sean leaving, trying to kill herself, getting moved to Forest view, the white room, stopping eating…

"It didn't work" she said quietly a few tears springing form her eyes "It didn't fucking work"

"What didn't work?" The person holding her down asked, Ellie suddenly recognised her as Nurse Davies.

"The happy front, the food… I was supposed to fade away, disappear, I would be happy then, I could hurt anyone anymore" she said the tears now running freely down her cheeks

"It's ok Ellie" Nurse Davies told her softly

"It's not ok" Ellie yelled as loudly as her unused voice would let her "I Want to die, let me die!" she screamed wriggling and squirming under Nurse Davies "Why won't you let me!"

"Because you have a lot to live for Ellie" Nurse Davies told her "I think we need to sedate her, she's getting hysterical" she added in a low whisper to Doctor Reyes who nodded and brought a needle over.

"Please…" Ellie said as her eyes slipped shut.

"I Think her not eating was another suicide attempt" Nurse Davies commented as she used some padded wrist, stomach and ankle cuffs to hold Ellie down.

"I think Jane should be informed of all the things Ellie's said, it seems like she's been hiding a lot." Doctor Reyes told Nurse Davies "Maybe she hasn't made as much progress as we thought it seems as though this 'recovery' she had over the past two weeks was a cover up"

"Yeah it's a shame, she was really starting to look like she'd had a break through but obviously not." Nurse Davies nodded looking down at the pale girl in the bed.

A/n Sorry its taken so long to update, Its been a busy year at Uni and I've not really had much inspiration for this story but I'll update again next time I get a chapter finished which might be sooner since I've been a bit more inspired recently..


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